“Sungmin-ah, come with me! I want to show you something!”

 And from then on it began; our weekly routine of watching the stars. Hankyung hyung would teach me the constellations and tell me crazy stories about them. And we would joke and laugh about the stupidest things that usually would make no sense to any sane person. Be we were insane, at least for those few hours. It was our alone time and a well-needed break from our busy life-styles. Occasionally, I’d teach hyung how to say certain things, and how to woo his fans while he was on stage, but usually we talked about us and how we’d never leave each other and how strong our bond was; the fifteen of us, of course. Some days we didn’t say a word, only revelled in the comfort of each other after a long day. But every week, we’d meet, somewhere, to look up at the sky and ponder all of the what-ifs that could come to mind.

 I remember lying next to him on the soft grass at the park one spring night. We didn’t talk much. A few words here and there. We hadn’t met for a few weeks and suddenly it was as if we were strangers. I had nothing to say, neither did he, and the stress from work had been building up. He’d gone to hospital a lot those few weeks and I was starting to believe there was something seriously wrong. He’d always pass it off as going to get an IV drip to help his exhaustion and wake him up, but it didn’t seem true. Especially the way his eyes would darken as he lied, and how his smiles that were supposed to say ‘I’m alright guys’ screamed ‘I need help.’

The silence was infuriating that night. It wasn’t hot or cold but a few stray shivers ran throughout my body as I over thought the possibilities. I wanted someone to say something but couldn’t bring myself to be the first one to break the still air. It was oddly cold and eerie despite a soft warm wind that floated by and the flowers that surrounded us in a random arrangement. I distinctly remember the smell of the freshly cut grass and the feel of the air brushing lightly against my cheeks as it flew past.

 I had turned my head slightly to face him slightly irritated by the grass that decided to tickle right under my nose. I’d sneezed and caught a small smile on Hankyung hyung’s face, but it had disappeared as soon as it came. I had frowned, frustrated with our lack of communication. Some days we didn’t speak much, but it was always comfortable. That day just seemed so awkward and distant that I really couldn’t take it.

 I had sat up.

  “What’s wrong?” asked a soft voice, Hankyung hyung’s.

 I had turned and given him a hard stare as he came to sit up next to me. “You tell me, hyung. I’m not blind, nor am I an ignorant fool. What’s wrong?” I had backfired.

 He’d smiled a tired smile and it had made a shiver run through me. This wasn’t the Hankyung I knew. The one I knew was happy and smiley and always encouraging. This one looked as if he was about to pass out. It scared me just a little.

 “I’m leaving.” He had said quietly. “I’m leaving to China and I doubt I’m coming back. I’m so sorry.” He had me embraced in a tight hug before I’d had the chance to see his tears, but the slowly spreading wetness on my shoulder revealed everything.

 ~

 As I stand here now on the roof of our dorm building I remember how I felt the next day when he told the rest of us. We all cried, especially Heechul hyung who stood attached to Hankyung hyung’s arm, sobbing into his shoulder. It was a morning of tears and hugs and more tears, yet throughout it all I stood to the side, holding in my tears. I saw Hankyung hyung glance at me a few times over the members’ heads as they hugged him, but I looked away each time, feeling betrayed.

 The next few days were worse. Heechul hyung stayed locked up in his room and the other members mourned the loss of Hankyung hyung. Every time I needed to cry, I’d come here, to the roof. The fans found out and all the ‘Hanchul shipper’s’ were devastated yet no one understood the pain I felt. We were close off stage not on and so no one really knew that my heart was getting crushed by every moment that went by.  Usually, if something was affecting me, I’d go to Leeteuk hyung, but i didn’t want to burden him. I knew that he’d probably be blaming himself.

 So I came to the roof.

 As the years passed, we got over it. The fans did too. And although everyone still misses him dearly, we’ve accepted the fact that he’s not coming back. But today, 4 years after the night that he told me, I find myself back on the roof. Its not our dorm roof, it’s the roof of the MBC studio, but it’s the same view. I stare up into the vast sky and wonder if he sees the same things as me. I try and name the stars and constellation like he had taught me and wonder if he’s looking up at the sky too, teaching someone else right from wrong.

 I name all the stars right tonight, but it doesn’t matter, because he’s not here. But I’m still waiting for the day when I see him again so I can show him, and make him proud, maybe standing on the roof of another building somewhere in Korea; or maybe in the roof of a building somewhere in China…

 I look forward to that day… 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Coughs-