It’s been more than a month since he left. I still don’t really know why. He hasn’t told me. I kinda expected him to call or something…send an email, maybe, but no, there’s been no sign of him. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. Hell, I feel like my heart’s been ripped in two! But I don’t cry in front of the members. I’m one of the eldest. I can’t cry. He was really the only one I could cry in front of; cry with. I never thought he’d be the reason of my tears. 

Teukie’s been crying a lot lately as well. It’s heart-breaking to watch. I don’t really talk much anymore. I’ve become a lot like Kibum…it’s as if I’ve replaced him, but no, no one could ever really do that. But I’ve become merely a shell of who I was before. I sit and watch silently from a corner, not shedding tears but watching everyone else pour their hearts out. Usually after a few hours or so I’ll return to my room and cry by myself in a corner. He was usually here to comfort me…but not anymore. 

He’s gone now. 

 Manager hyung managed to cancel most of our schedules for the last month, begging the company to give us time to recover. They gave us a month, but poor Teukie and Hyukjae still have to go out to do their radio show. Its hard hearing their forced laughs on the radio, knowing they’d rather just curl up into balls and sleep than be talking for two hours straight. They’ve been playing many more songs than usual on the show. It cuts down the talking time.

 I’m grateful to hyung, and sorry to the members, and most of all my heart aches for him to come back, but I don’t show it. I don’t really show anything at all. I haven’t spoken in days and I feel like I’ve been drained of all my energy. Its tiring not sleeping at night and crying silently instead, trying to hold in the screams that are waiting to explode from within me. It really is tiring. I didn’t think he could have that big of an effect on me. But look at me now. I’m lifeless; practically dead. I hate myself for letting that happen.

 I hate it.

  It’s a cold Saturday and I hear my phone beeping form the table in the middle of the room. One half, mine, is still untouched; lying as it was the day he left. The other side, his, is empty, void of any of his possessions, simply covered with a layer of dust.

 I look over and see the backlight of my phone die out, plunging the room into its usual darkness. That phone…it was a birthday present…from him.

 Of course it was.

 Getting up slowly, I head over to the small table and pick up the phone. It senses my touch and lights up again.

 ‘HANGENG’S BIRTHDAY, YOU BETTER HAVE BOUGHT HIM SOMETHING!!’ flashes up on the screen and I try not to scream out in frustration. Stupid phone, I think and toss it against the wall with shaking hands. I think the screen breaks but I’m paying too much attention on stopping the tears that are flooding my eyes to care.

 Blindly reaching out to find some sort of cloth that I can wrap around myself, I rush out of my room, out of the dorm, and into the elevator heading toward the roof. I hear a vague ‘hyung’ from a worried Hyukjae but I can’t afford to let them see me cry and ignore it. As soon as I step into the elevator and the doors clang shut, however, I let myself wail and pull at my hair; my eyes and nose becoming endless rivers within seconds.

 In the light I notice I’ve pulled an old hoodie along with me and silently thank not-god for it as I step into the frosty air of the night. It’s a bit big when I pull it over my head and I realise with a fresh bout of tears that it’s his; the only one thing that he didn’t take with him. The red hoodie that I loved the most…the red hoodie we joked matched my hair… How is it that everything leads back to him? How is that even fair?

 I sigh an exasperated sigh as I wind my arms tighter around me and supress a shiver. Not because of the cold, but because of how easy it seems it was for him to leave us. Because really, it wasn’t me he left, but us. He left us all. And I swear to not-god that if I see that again I will -slap him so hard…

 Another shiver wracks through my body and I decide I should go back inside. The one month is up. Work starts again tomorrow and I’m starting with a new mindset. I’ve had enough of moping around and being an emotional wreck and I want to get back out there and be the fiery Heechul I really am once again; to prove to him and myself that I’m stronger than I ever was before. They say that separation makes you stronger…Hell yeah, I say.

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i probably shouldn't enjoy writing hanchul angst as much as i do...but there you go~ :)