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▶ Neng2ovid says…“this sounds funny can’t wait for the update.”

Yoochun beams and winks in an exaggerated way that makes Changmin gag. “Why thank you, sweetheart. Hopefully we lived up to your expectations.”

▶ katsumi_io says…“Hahaha this sounds crazy as hell i love it. Subscribed.”

Changmin shoves Yoochun out of sight so he can reply, smiling in a much more innocent (much less greasy) way. “We appreciate it,” he says with a hand to his heart. “Thank you for sticking around!”

▶ Zenril says…“I'm loving the craziness that's going to happen. Can't wait!! Happy New Year~”

Out of nowhere, Jaejoong bursts onto the scene and hip-bumps both Changmin and Yoochun aside so he can be the main focus (as he’s always meant to be). He puckers his lips into a kissy-face. “Happy New Year to you too, my lovely fan! I love you!”

Yoochun re-appears to jab Jaejoong in the side. “They’re not just your fan, you know,” he grumbles. “Besides, the new year was five months ago. So get out.”

▶ yunjaemrcnn says…“I guess so many crazy stuff is about to come! Looking forward.”

Jaejoong punches Yoochun’s shoulder (to which the human yelps because he might’ve just dislocated his collarbone) but keeps his too bright smile firmly in place. “Nope, nothing crazy going on here! Just normal slice-of-life stuff.”

▶ yunhoyah says…“This sounds funny! Junsu, for some reason, looks creepy in that pic LOL”

“You know, Junsu read your comment and cried,” Jaejoong reveals, but he’s laughing hysterically while doing so. Slapping his knee, he goes on to assure, “but I don’t blame you! Junsu is just a really creepy guy, so –”

Suddenly, Yoochun has Jaejoong in a flimsy headlock. “Take that back, you jealous ! Don’t defame my Junsu!”

Behind them, Changmin is holding up a camera, whooping for the two of them to finally duke it out like we’ve all be waiting for. “Make sure to hit below the belt!” he hollers.

And that's when Yunho appears and screams for the chapter to go to intermission until he gets everything under control.

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Kim Jaejoong is an enigma in every sense of the word.

Or, at least he likes to think he is. Surely it’s a biological given considering he’s literally the most enigmatic species ever to exist: a pure-blooded vampire. And, on top of that, he’s one of the last remaining members of the distinguished Kim clan alive at the moment – the oldest, most revered family in the entire undead stratosphere. The whole “mysterious, hidden in the shadows, walking conundrum” package is supposed to be rooted in every chain of his DNA.

So yeah, Jaejoong is, has been, and will always be a certified emolord. Don’t @ him, it’s a fact.

From the very day he was brought into the world (crying at the top of his lungs because how dare a meager midwife lay hand upon the treasured flesh of a Kim offspring), Jaejoong has always been told that there are five fundamental principles in which all vampires ought to adhere to:

One, vampires can only wear black. All day, every day. No questions asked.

“But why?” a three-hundred and seven year old (or five, for all of the idiot humans out there) Jaejoong asks with a tilt of his head, fingers absentmindedly toying with the bright yellow gown he's wearing (stolen straight from the wardrobe of some poor girl who Jaejoong deemed much too hideous to wear such a gorgeous article of clothing). He eyes his parents with obvious confusion, cerulean eyes wide and innocent and oh so naïve.

His mother glowers down at him in response, her lips – soiled with the blood of her latest victim – pulled back into a sneer. Tossing the nameless body into the waiting arms of her handmaiden, she gazes at her only son with a cold, disapproving stare.

“Jaejoong,” she hisses lowly, “I just said no questions asked.”

Two, vampires only roam the night. The sun is their enemy and will only cause them harm.

“So stay indoors once it rises,” his father has to remind him nearly every time the dark evening skies begin to glow in a burst of red and orange hues. “You’ll burn that pretty face of yours off if you don’t.”

Jaejoong pouts at his father’s warning – something he’s heard for as long as can remember. He’s already over nine hundred years old, but his parents still feel the need to remind him that Mister Sun is lethally dangerous while Lady Moon is every vampire’s best friend. But Jaejoong isn’t stupid. He knows the sun will turn him into a grilled sausage if he were to ever venture outside during the day.

But he’s still curious. He’s always been curious. And for once, as he stares at the horizon through the protective glass panes of his home within the large castle, Jaejoong finds himself longing to know how it feels to have the warmth of the sun caress his pale, icy skin.

Three, vampires – especially those as esteemed as the Kim’s – only drink the blood of worthy humans. Kings and presidents and sovereigns and aristocrats and the like. To drink beneath them is to belittle the entire family.

“It’s a precedence thing, don’t think about it too much.” Jiwon is one of the nicer servants, and he’s much kinder than Jaejoong’s parents when it comes down to answering his “silly” questions.

Fingers twisting around the joystick of his Atari system, Jaejoong spares Jiwon a brief, irritated glance. “But that’s stupid,” he retorts bitterly. “If I want to eat a dude, I’m gonna eat him. Blood is blood.”

“But tradition is tradition,” Jiwon says with only the slightest hint of finality. “So it would be best if you just followed it, Master Jaejoong.”

Jaejoong lets the conversation end there and spitefully annihilates Jiwon’s avatar with a combo move that should certainly not be allowed. Ignoring his servant’s squawk of indignation, Jaejoong wonders why being a vampire has to be so unbearably boring.

Four, vampires can only mate with other vampires. Obviously.

Or not, because Jaejoong doesn’t seem to get the memo.

“I really want to you,” are the first words an incredibly drunk Jaejoong says to a flabbergasted Yunho. Apparently, it takes approximately forty-seven hours, eighteen minutes, and fifty-two seconds of consistent (depression-induced) chugs of soju for a vampire to become inebriated by human alcohol and Jaejoong is pretty sure he can taste sounds right now.

Yunho is smart. He recognizes Jaejoong for what he is almost instantly. “I think you mean my blood?” he attempts to correct. So he’s smart and cordial. Jaejoong likes him instantly. It also helps that’s he sort of mind-blowingly attractive, even if he has two – no three – no wait, it’s just one head. Good.

There’s a beat of silence between them, only the faint sounds of a nearby street fight serving as their romantic background music, and Jaejoong has to take a good minute to properly find his bearings before he tries speaking again.

“N-no,” he hiccups, “I mean, like... you. Like with my mouth. My whole mouth. Like my whole mouth on your di—”

“You do realize that I’m a werewolf, right?”

Jaejoong blinks for a long while, hard and one eyelid at a time, as he gives Yunho a closer inspection. He’s tall and muscular and tan and despite having really ugly spiked silver hair, he’s too good-looking for Jaejoong to just not try to hit on.

Shrugging, he tries to look like the temptress he knows he is. “So?” he slurs seductively and takes one risky step closer. But then his ankles are stumbling into one another, his knees buckle, and he goes wobbling into Yunho’s (manly, ooh la la) chest – face-first and arms flopping everywhere.

He takes one inconspicuous but really loud so not that inconspicuous sniff of the man's collar and yeah, Yunho’s right. He is a werewolf. A surprisingly nice smelling werewolf. Which is strange because, before he moved out (much to their anger), Jaejoong’s parents constantly told him that werewolves smell like hot dirt. But Jaejoong’s pretty sure Yunho smells like cinnamon. Or maybe that’s just the gum he’s chewing? Who knows, who cares. Jaejoong definitely doesn’t. Haha—

“Glergf!”

Jaejoong learns quickly that Jung Yunho is much too nice for his own good. When he comes to the next day, he’s in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room surrounded by the familiar heat of the stranger he’d (quite literally) bumped into the night before. He cracks his eyes open, peering up at the smiling man lying beside him who’s just as awake as he is.

“You threw up on my favorite shirt,” he greets in a friendly tone.

Unperturbed, Jaejoong wiggles his eyebrows. “I’ll gladly compensate with my body.”

And Yunho releases a laugh that makes Jaejoong swear that this is what the sun must feel like. “You’re one strange vampire, pretty man. A deviant, if I do say so myself.”

A deviant, huh?

Jaejoong kind of likes the sound of that.

Five, full-blooded vampires only sire more full-blooded vampires. The genealogy shall never be tainted. No matter the circumstances.

Except ones like these, Jaejoong decides.

“Oh my god, we just stole a child.”

Yunho is damn near tears as he and Jaejoong continue sneaking through the heavily-guarded halls of the Magus Factory, the birthplace of millions of wizards and witches – or “the free baby store,” as Jaejoong called it when he first came up with this insane plan.

Ducking inside a random closet filled with potions and brooms and surplus wands, the two of them pant heavily as a line of oblivious security agents wander past them.

Jaejoong gives Yunho a determined look. “They won’t miss him, trust me. He’s just one kid out of, what – a bajillion?”

“Yeah, but he’s theirs. We’re going to get caught.”

“Not even,” Jaejoong snorts haughtily. “I always get what I want. Always.”

Nineteen years later and Jaejoong is silently hating his past-self for being impulsive and wanting the most stupidest things. Back then, he wanted to have a kid with his longtime boyfriend. And since he was very much a male and very much incapable of giving birth himself, he decided to skip all of the formalities and just straight-up kidnapped a baby from its home.

Though, truthfully, it wasn’t really a home. Magus Factory is just a giant building that manufactures future wizards through machines and codes and tangible elements and a bit of magic. Therefore, the child they stole wasn’t really a baby either.

All wizards start out as eggs, funnily enough. So Shim Changmin – his name lazily derived from an online name generator – belonged to no one but whoever said owned him. And Jaejoong was the person who called first dibs.

Now, however, he kind of regrets it. Just a little.

“Hurry the up, you slow -for-brains! I’m going to be late for school.”

Or a lot.

Yeah, a lot. A lot sounds about right.

“Who the flying hell did you learn that kind of language from, you animal?” Jaejoong hollers from the kitchen, Yunho watching him warily from the island. Bustling around, he grumbles a few insults under his breath, running his fingers through his hair and rolling his eyes in exasperation as Changmin continues to complain from the living room.

“You look so lovely right now,” Yunho is smitten enough to bravely comment (he usually knows better than to interrupt Jaejoong when he’s in one of his moods). Practically swooning, he adds, “you make such a great mother.”

And absolutely appalled, Jaejoong half-glares at the werewolf. “I am not Changmin’s mother,” he growls as he adds a Star Wars-themed pack of gummies to Changmin’s lunch box. “But I appreciate the compliment.”

"Oh, my strange little vampire." Sighing, Yunho stands to give Jaejoong a brief kiss on his forehead. “Don't deny it. You know you love the kid.” He's smirking down at him now with a raised eyebrow, as if he knows Jaejoong like the back of his hand – which, to be fair, he probably does – and has so much love in his hazel eyes that not even Changmin’s faraway ranting is enough to stop Jaejoong from beaming at Yunho in return.

"Okay, fine..." he grumbles after a while. "Maybe I do. Both of you."

And honestly, even his emo heart wouldn’t have his life be any other way.

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Yunho clears his throat awkwardly. “Sorry about before, everyone. We're back now and hopefully things won’t turn to chaos like they did earlier.”

Somewhere in the distance, the sound of shattering glass is heard and then Yoochun’s voice is threatening Jaejoong that he’ll do it, he’ll stab him with this bottle if he has to.

Next to Yunho, Changmin shakes his head and mutters, “you spoke too soon.”

▶ StarrySeraphim21 says…“I never laughed so hard thanks to a fic XDXDXDXDXD”

Yunho patiently ignores the battle cries coming from the other room. “I’m happy you’re enjoying this so far!” But then his smile twitches when he hears Jaejoong yell something along the lines of ripping Yoochun’s face off and wearing it as a mask for Halloween. Still, Yunho tries to remain unbothered. “We try our best to keep everyone entertained so –”

“Yunhoooo!” Yoochun runs into the room, shrieking in a comically high-pitched voice, before coming to hide behind the taller man. “Help me! Help me, oh my god! Contain your crazy boyfriend!”

▶ jjliss says…“omg!! it was really funny reading this!! can’t wait for more”

Changmin decides to take over when he realizes everyone else is too busy to stop him. “I like to think most of the humor comes from me,” he says proudly. “So if you think this story is funny, then it’s probably all because of me, right? Yes. I know. No need to say anything, I understand.”

In the background, Yoochun and Jaejoong are quite literally running circles around Yunho. It’s like a game of Tom and Jerry except it’s not a game, neither of them are cartoon characters with seemingly infinite lives, and they're both really set on possibly murdering one another.

Yunho can only stand there and sigh.

▶ Neng2ovid says…“Hahahaha. Jae knocked himself out with a trash can. Clumsy.”

Jaejoong freezes just as he has his hand wrapped around Yoochun’s collar. “Excuse me? I am not clumsy.” He looks at everyone in the room then, face determined. “I’m not clumsy, right? I mean, sure – I may have a stronger connection to gravity than most, but...I’m not…”

Silence.

“Oh, you guys,” Jaejoong hisses.

▶ baby_jj59 says…“This chapter is so funny”

Jaejoong is sulking in a corner. Yunho is trying to comfort him. And Changmin is having the time of his life teasing him ("aha, everyone's calling you out for your two left feet, you klutzoid!").

So Yoochun takes over again, greasy-mode on the highest setting as he makes "y" poses and bites his lip. “Thanks, babe. Unlike Changmin, I’m not some disillusioned brat. So I'm glad you and everyone else knows the humor comes from me and me alone.”

▶ Zenril says…“LOL I just cant deal with Jaejoong in this story bahaha oh god that was just too entertaining x'D”

And now Jaejoong is up on his feet and grinning like a mad man. He shoves Yoochun’s face to the side and straight-up cackles. “On the contrary, it seems I’m the one everyone thinks is most funny!” Confidence at an all-time high, he bats his eyelashes and winks (though it looks more like a forced blink because Jaejoong has weird, dysfunctional eyelids). “Another I love you to another one of my lovely fans. Mwah!”

▶ yunhoyah says…“This is epic! I love this story already. Jae is such a diva hahahahahaha”

When Yoochun and Changmin try to speak up in protest, Jaejoong shushes them and says in a snooty tone, “the comments don’t lie, losers! That’s two for the best character in this story, ha!”

▶ huomionhakuinen says…“this fanfic is the best thing to ever happen to me i love this so much”

Yunho says brightly, “I live for comments like this. Thank you very much, really," while Jaejoong occupies himself by bragging to anyone within the vicinity with at least one ear that haha, he’s gotten two whole mentions already and everyone else can bow before him and his mighty big toe.

And then Changmin and Yoochun – who seem to have come to some uns