Jinyoung has one arm on the steering wheel, the other one holding your hand as it rests on his thigh, his thumb massaging your hand. Jinyoung has always been the clingy type. He loves casually holding hands, back hugs and cuddles. He’s a gentleman, picks you up at work to grab dinner and drives you home just in time so your sister won’t worry. You felt like you’re the luckiest girl in the world because he’s treating you so special. He’s everything you’ll ever want in a boyfriend. Oh, how you wish he is your boyfriend.

But he isn’t.

You and Jinyoung met almost four years ago when you still work together. He was a bit distant, like he’s closing his doors and hiding himself behind high walls. You always thought it’s weird, mysterious. He always has this warm smile but his eyes are always in sorrow.

You eventually got the chance to get to know him more when you got paired in one project. That’s when you found out his story.

He’s not the type to share his personal stories to others, it’s quite obvious to everyone actually. But working and spending late nights and early mornings at work together, finding out you have so much in common, made you both realize that you got this undeniable yet unexplainable connection.

As much as you have been dying to know what’s up with him, why he’s always closing himself at world, you didn’t want to push him too hard. First, you’re not really the type to that and second, you know how hard it is to open up to others so you knew that if he’s ready—and if he wants to—he’ll break down his walls on his own.

It happened one night after work. You just finished the year-end report for your project. Feeling exhausted, you decided to stay in the office and just order delivery for dinner. It was spontaneous.

You can still remember how you were talking about dreams and goals when he brought it up. He asked you what your greatest dream was. You were a lot less smart and wise back then, in your defense, you were an ambitious newly grad so you said your greatest dream is to buy your parents their own house. It wasn’t really bad. But then you asked him what’s his and that’s when the walls around him collapsed. Bit by bit, like he was taking the bricks off by himself.

His greatest dream was to marry his first love.

Simple, you thought. It wasn’t as ambitious as yours but it was very touching, sincere.

But he opened up a little more and you discovered where the sorrow is coming from.

They just got off college, on their fourth year anniversary and he was planning to propose to her. Yes. It was absurd for twenty-two year-olds. He knows that but it was sort of a promise, a commitment. They didn’t have to get married that year, next year or in the following five years or so. It was just a promise that she’s the one he wants to marry. He was that sure.

But she has been battling her own battles for years and that night, she lost.

That night, he lost her.

Jinyoung was devastated. He wished he could turn back time so he could hold her hand tighter than he did so she won’t go away. He shouldn't have let her go. Everyday, he wished to wake up and find out that everything is just a dream. A very bad dream.

He cried for days and nights until his eyes run out of tears to cry. He cried until his whole body went numb.

It took the best of him. The tragedy is slowly taking him away too and he’s not doing anything about it. Until he realized he’s hurting his family too. It wasn’t good anymore. If she was still alive, she will get angry at him for sure. So he got himself together and continued with his life.

That is how the walls around him was built. Everyday that he spent without her, he added a brick in the wall making it high until no one can climb it anymore.

You threw your arms around Jinyoung when you first heard about. You felt bad hearing about all those things he had gone through resulting to the cold façade he’s showing everyone. All you wanted is to comfort him. People judge him for being cold and nobody knows the real reason why he’s like that. You just admired him even more and for a second, thought about how would it feel to fix him, to help him get through the pain he has been feeling for so long.

And that’s exactly why you are here, sitting in his Mercedes’s passenger seat. On your way to his hometown to have Christmas Eve lunch with his family—all of his family together with his aunts, uncles, cousins—everyone in the family.

Your plan for today is to drive home for lunch then he’ll drive you to your home, probably have dinner with your family before he go to this annual Christmas party he have with his friends.

“Are you nervous?” Jinyoung asked as he makes a turn in the busy highway.

You just sighed in reply.

Jinyoung turned to you, giving you his wrinkly smile. “What’s even making you so nervous? They’re my family.”

You rolled your eyes. “Exactly. They’re your family, like everyone in your family is gonna be there and I haven’t met anyone in your family. This is going to be the first time and I bet to all the gods that they’re gonna ask who I am.” You trailed off, not noticing you are speaking too fast and out of hand. You took your hand from his and crossed your arms. You look outside the window. “I don’t even know who I am.”

That’s the thing. For almost three years now, you and Jinyoung has been going out or dating or whatever it is that you’re doing but with no labels.

It has been driving you crazy. You tried so many times to talk about it but Jinyoung still has his walls. Sure, he has open up for you but still, he’s not letting you in. For three years, it was as if you are walking on egg shells afraid to do stuff that will push him away. That’s how broken Jinyoung is. It is not even a matter of falling in love or moving on anymore because you know and you can feel that he likes you, loves you even.

But he’s scared. He’s scared to risk of being in a relationship and lose someone he loves again. It was draining and exhausting but when you feel his arms around you; when he says your name all lovingly; when he looks at you like his whole world depend on you, you know that all you have to do is to wait.

No matter how long it takes, you will be right beside him and wait.

“They know you.” Jinyoung mumbled.

You turned to him from the window and saw his nervous look in the road.

You wanted to ask him more. What did he say? What are you really? How did his family reacted?

But he has that look in his eyes. That look that he didn’t want to talk about it. So you stay mummed, floating in the clouds as you finally seen some light.

After less than an hour, you arrived at their home and you were stunned. Their house is big, massive. There is a big garden just outside the house where tables and chairs are set up. In the middle of the garden, there is a gazebo looking magical with the vines and Christmas lights hanging around it. Near the house’s porch, there are tiny Santa Clauses doing different poses. You see little kids run around and play with it.

You took a deep breath before stepping in, a bit too loud that it took Jinyoung’s attention.

He turned to you flashing a big wrinkly smile before taking your hand, squeezing it tight.

“Don’t worry. They’re gonna love you.” He leaned down and planted a kiss in your hand.

The kiss didn’t really took the nervousness away but it’s just enough to make you a little bit better.

“Please don’t let go of my hand.” You pleaded in a whisper.

Jinyoung put your hands down between you two, preparing to get inside. “I won’t.”

As soon as you enter their house, the panic flowed all over your body. Jinyoung was sort of the prodigal son or something, everyone was anticipating him and as soon as his shadow entered the house, everyone came to him. First was his mother who gladly called his father. Then his sisters came running after, practically throwing themselves at their youngest sibling. Came after them are his aunts and cousins. There were kisses, hugs and how are you’s. Jinyoung kept his promise to not let go of your hand. It was comforting, you felt protected of some sorts.

But it is when people asked him who you are that you felt like wanting the ground to eat you up. He will tell them your name and when asked who you are, he’ll simply say a friend. All your hopes vanished once again. You’ll you give them a warm smile and a gentle handshake, for others—like his sisters—it was a warm hug. But after doing so, you’ll feel their judging stares lingering as you and Jinyoung swim through the crowd.

You wanted to go home and curl yourself in bed. You felt small, like you almost didn’t matter. You’re just a friend Jinyoung brought home so that his nosy aunts won’t have to ask him about having a girlfriend anymore. You’re an accessory he’s keeping for years. That’s how these strangers make you feel.

But Jinyoung’s grip on your hand tells you otherwise. There was comfort, care in his touch. It was as if he’s saying he’s feeling bad about it too. You held back his hand, just as tight, telling him it’s alright. You wished he could say it in words too, though.

The promise of not letting you go was broken not short after. One of his uncles called him to have some drink while you were left in the living room, sitting with a group of middle aged ladies, mostly his aunts.

“So,” one of them started. “Where did you and Jinyoung met?”

“We met at work about four years ago.” You politely answered with a smile.

“Oh, in the pharmaceutical company he’s working at now?” Another lady asked.

“Uhm, no. It was the one before that.” You answered.

“The small company of—what was that?” She turned to the other aunt for help.

“The printing company?” The aunt answered.

You flashed a polite smile. “The publishing company. Yes.”

“And you still work there?” Aunt two asked.

Your smile turned wider, trying to hide your growing annoyance over nosy aunts. You looked around, looking for Jinyoung and hoping he can just rescue you from this.

“Yes.” You answered.

“It’s so nice to see Jinyoung happy.” Third aunt said joining the conversation. “You’re the first girl he brought here, did you know that?”

You didn’t. But you knew you weren’t the first one.

Second aunt was mummed while a smile flashed across first aunt’s face.

“Mihyun was first one, old lady.” First aunt said, tapping Third aunt’s hand.

Third aunt pursed her lips and covered with her hands.

“Remember the girl who died? She was so young.” First aunt continued. “Jinyoung loved her so much. It’s so heartbreaking. She was so beautiful and kind. If she’s still here, she’s probably—“

Second aunt stopped First aunt by grabbing her arm. “It’s all in the past now. I’m glad Jinyoung is happy now.” She said looking at you with a bittersweet smile.

You felt like your body is just waiting for the ground to eat you up. Your greatest fear is happening. You became that girl. Just that girl. No matter how much you feel that Jinyoung loves you, you’re still just that girl. That girl that will never be her.

You wanted get out of here then you felt two hands in your shoulders.

You turned around and found Jinyoung’s sister behind you. You just can’t thank her enough.

“Hi.” She greeted with a smile before turning to her aunts. “Can you excuse us first? I need some help with the cheesecake.”

The aunts looked at each other before nodding. Jinyoung’s sister took your arm and helped you get up. She ushered you to the kitchen and closed the door behind you a bit, making sure she can still see what’s going on outside.

“I’m sorry about them.” She said as soon as you’re both inside. You looked around and saw that the cheesecake is done. Perfectly sliced into small equal sizes for everyone to eat.

She turned around and opened the cabinet above the stove. She took some plates before turning back to you. “Can you help me get some forks?”

“Of course.” You answered walking over the counter and reached to the cabinet.

“It’s over there.” She pointed at the drawer in front of you.

You opened it and took the forks.

“I hope you don’t mind them much. They’re just old maid and divorced ladies who doesn’t have any other thing to do but gossip around.” She started explaining. “What’s the fun with Christmas without aunts like them, right?”

You felt your chest go lighter. Sure, it doesn’t justify how they offended you but she’s right. You have dealt with the same kind of aunts at home and they’re really just the same.

“It’s fine.” You said and you mean it.

“So, you’re the girl, huh?” She mumbled.

Your heart felt tight. Just when you thought you had enough judgement today.

You looked at her and there was a sincere smile on her face.

“Oh no.” She said when she saw your cold expression you didn’t mean to show either. “I didn’t say that to offend you.”

You waited for her to continue.

“It’s just that Jinyoung has been so sad for so long, you know?” She continued. “Then one day, his eyes just started to glow again. The sorrow was gone and he started smiling again.”

You exhaled. You didn’t even realized you have been holding your breath.

“I missed my brother.” She continued. “And I’m glad he’s back.”

She’s done with the plates and turned to you. She reached for your hand. “Thank you for bringing him home.” She squeezed your hand and gave you warm smile.

You smiled back. Finally, someone understands.

She let go of your hand but her eyes still fixed on yours making you feel a bit uncomfortable.

“But don’t you think he’s being unfair?” She mumbled.

Your heart skipped a bit again.

“I know Jinyoung.” She added. “I know he hasn’t opened up completely. I—“

“I’m sorry,” You said, gathering all politeness you can get. “But I think what’s unfair is to talk behind Jinyoung’s back like this.”

You put the last couple of forks in the plate and turned to the door. “Excuse me.” You said before completely leaving.

You felt bad for her, Mihyun. She doesn’t deserve to be talked about by old ladies this way. She doesn’t deserve to be like a trivial story in family reunions.

You felt bad for Jinyoung. He was working hard in the city and loved by everyone in the family but he doesn’t deserve this too. He doesn’t deserve to be talked about like this behind his back. He doesn’t deserve to be looked at pitifully when he’s trying his best to move on and go on his life.

But you don’t deserve this too. You don’t deserve to be ridiculed by these strangers. You don’t deserve to be labeled as the girl Jinyoung brought to replace his ex-girlfriend. You don’t deserve to be the girl who will never be like her. You don’t deserve to be just that girl—the girl who’s here because she’s not.

None of you deserve this. This is unfair for all of you.

So you need to stop. You have to stop before it gets worse. You have to end it before it takes everything from you.

You looked around looking for Jinyoung but couldn’t find him. Your knees are growing weak. You’re feeling dizzy, nauseous. You want to go home. You need to go home.

You felt two hands on your arms as Jinyoung whispered you name. You once again felt safe and protected with arms around you.

It’s unfair how he’s the main reason you are feeling this way yet he’s also the one—the only one— who can make you feel better.

“Jinyoung,” You said. “I want to go home. I’ll just take a cab or something. I need to go home.”

He held you closer. You felt so small in his arms. “Why? What happened?” He asked, worried.

Her sister came running behind you, calling your name and abruptly stopped when Jinyoung looked from you up to her. He looked like he was about to say something when someone shouted.

“Granny’s here!”

Jinyoung turned behind him then back to you. He held your hands. “Okay.” He said softly. “I’ll bring you home. Let’s just say hi to my grandma and then I’ll bring you home.”

He wrapped his arms around you. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.

You walked and swim through the crowd to where his grandmother is. She just seated and kids are around her, kissing and hugging her. She looks beautiful. Someone who has aged gracefully.

All family members lined up to her. When it was your turn, you are sure it’s going to be the usual. He’s going to say your name, you’ll reach for the other person’s hand and shake it with a gentle smile.

So when he told his grandma your name, you gave her a warm smile and politely reached for her hand.

“Who is she?” Jinyoung’s grandma asked looking at you then to Jinyoung.

You know what’s happening and you just prepared yourself for another drive of awkwardness and pain.

Jinyoung wrapped his arm around your middle and pulled you closer to him. The sudden closeness making you jump a little bit.

His grandma looked at both of you anticipating an answer.

Jinyoung flashed his wrinkly smile. “She’s my girlfriend, Granny.”

You turned to him in an instant, your stunned eyes wide open.

You felt all the eyes dart to Jinyoung, then to you, then finally to the two of you. Everyone is just as shocked as you.

What did he say? Did he just? Did he really? Girlfriend? Did he just introduced you to his grandmother—aka the most senior person in their family, one’s opinion who matters the most—as his girlfriend? Did he suddenly got pressured with his sisters and aunts that he put a label for you two?

Your stormy thoughts calmed down when Jinyoung planted a kiss on your temple. He really did say that. If he means it, you have yet to figure out.

His grandmother smiled and pulled you to sit down beside her. Jinyoung’s arm lingering before you’re completely seated.

Your conversation with his grandma didn’t last long after Jinyoung excused you, ushering you to the stairs. You mentally thanked him because you’re feeling bad talking to his grandma when your mind is wandering elsewhere. You’re still astounded by what Jinyoung—subtly—announced to the world, or rather his family.

Your thoughts are so preoccupied that you didn’t even notice you two are inside a room, alone. Finally, you thought. You can talk to him about all these without his family’s scrutinizing stares.

“Jinyoung,” you said as soon as he closed the door behind you. “You didn’t have to do that. I know your family has been pressuring and all but you shouldn’t have said something you don’t mean—“

You were interrupted by his soft lips crashing into yours.

Jinyoung is kissing you. Hard and intense. He pushed you, slamming your back in the wall beside the door, pushing your bodies when you thought it’s impossible to get even closer.

You don’t understand what’s going on but you kissed him back. Replying with the same aggressiveness and passion.

His hands are trailing in your down your sides as the kiss goes deeper, making you breathless.

You have to stop. You need to stop. This scares you. The deepness of the kiss, the tension on his lips—it scares you that you might end with something you’re not ready for.

So you pulled away, full of regrets. His intoxicating kisses lingering in your lips.

“Jinyoung,” you gasped resting your hands in his chest to maintain the tiny distance between the two of you.

Jinyoung breathed heavily, panting. He looks in your eyes. He understood.

He put your face between his palms and leaned in closer to kiss you again, soft and chaste this time.

“I mean it.” He whispered.

He was looking straight into your eyes.

You stared back in his eyes, your eyes are already glistening in tears but you tried hard to fight back.

You failed though when you smiled and your eyes tear up a bit. Jinyoung smiled back at you and slide his hands down, taking your hand.

He walked you further inside the room and it was only then you realized that this is probably his room. It’s obviously his room. There’s a big book shelf in the far end of the room filled with different books written by different authors. There was a study desk beside it, perfectly organized. His bed is nicely done like no one slept there for months. There was a small closet and a shoe rack beside it. The walls are painted clean in white and the room smells like wood. Everything about this room screams Jinyoung.

“Welcome to my world.” He said plopping on his bed.

You walk around instead of sitting beside him. You walked to his study and your eyes landed to picture on his wall. You didn’t know if it’s an accident or if you’re really unconsciously looking for any signs of her in his room.

Then you saw her. She has long wavy hair. Her face is a bit round as well as her eyes. The smile she had on the picture making her look younger than what you think she is.

“She’s beautiful.” You mumbled.

When Jinyoung heard you and found what you’re looking at, he sprints to his study to take the photo away and put it down.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

“No, no. Please, Jinyoung. No.” You said putting up the picture. You ran your fingers in the picture. It was graduation. She was holding a bouquet of roses in one hand, a diploma in another. “I met and fell in love with you when you’re still in love with her. She’s already part of your life. She owns a piece of you and that’s okay.”

Jinyoung took your hand from the picture and turned you to him. He moves his hands up and down you arms as if to comfort you.

“But every piece of me belongs to you now. All of me—it’s yours.” He said.

That’s when tears escape your eyes. Your heart is overwhelmed by all of the things he said and is saying.

“Yes, she is my first love...” Jinyoung trailed off, not wanting to be reminded of the tragic past. “But life isn’t always good.”

He took your hand and let you sit in study chair.

“And then you came,” he continued. “You came like the sun finally showing up in my clouded life. You taught me how to enjoy life again. You thought me how to love again.”

Jinyoung kneeled down the floor so your eyes are meeting on the same level. He took your hand, kissed it and clasped your fingers together.

He looked at you in the eye, his eyes conveying a thousand words his lips fail to say. His eyes are clear and sincere. All your worries are washed away. The burden in your chest vanished.

Finally, you can say he’s yours.

“I love you.”

You smiled through the tears. “I love you too.”