“I can’t believe this is what I’m doing on my day off.” You groaned as you walk up the stairs, a box of Christmas ornaments on your arms.

A few steps above you, your longest friend Yugyeom has a box of decorations in his arms too—ignoring your rants for the tenth time today since you arrived at his apartment building.

You heard Yugyeom knocking at your door early this morning, scolding you for not answering his texts. Apparently, he texted you last night asking if you could help him set up this place for his and his friends Christmas party tonight. But of course, you didn’t read it because you slumped yourself in your bed as soon as you got home.

You would have declined to help him but he promised to buy you this pair of sneaks you have been eyeing for the longest time if you’ll help him so you ended up getting his car, driving from your childhood neighborhood back to the city streets you just wanted to be away from this holidays.

“You could just have said no.” He grunted as he opens the door to the roof deck.

Cold holiday wind brushed your cheek as soon as the doors swing open.

“Whoa.” You breathed. “This place is great.” You said looking around at the empty deck with the sight of the whole city. Up there, the busy city seems so calm; away from the stress and bull of reality. This is why you have always loved rooftops. It’s always so promising yet so real.

Yugyeom was already far in the middle of the deck when you got back to your senses.

Yugyeom left your small childhood neighborhood when you got into college and has been living in this place since but this is actually the first time you’ve been here. Little did you know that your first trip to his place is at his roof deck instead of his actual unit. But it’s not like you two are in the kind of relationship where you hangout at each other’s place randomly. Not when he live with six other guys.

You and Yugyeom have known each other for the longest time. Being neighbors and classmates on classes from preschool to high school, it’s really hard not to be friends—even he has always been a huge pain in the . Or at least that’s how you see him.

Sure, you are friends but you’re not friends friends. It wasn’t a complicated relationship. In fact, it is the simplest way a friendship can be but you didn’t seem to be like other close friendship. You can’t really point out why or what it was. But your biggest inkling is it all started when you had a little crush on him back in high school when he started to be this cool kid who dances well and gets all the girls’ attention.

“You actually agreed to help me so I’m expecting for some.” Yugyeom pulled you out from your thoughts. He has already taken out the big cut out letters from his box and re-arranging it to create a “Merry Christmas” banner.

You sighed and walked near him. You place the box beside him and went through the stuff inside too.

“Don’t you have any friends?” You asked taking out a tangled bunch of Christmas lights.

Yugyeom didn’t answer.

“I mean did you really have to drive all the way down home just to ask for help? My help?” You added, untangling the Christmas lights.

Yugyeom sighed. “I do have a lot of friends who just happened to be busy today.”

“Yeah!” You said as if having a eureka moment. “‘Cause it’s freaking Christmas Eve, Yugyeom.”

He rolled his eyes. “Just help me, okay? I’ll drive you back when we’re done.”

You stopped being a and actually start doing something. You took another bunch of Christmas lights and untangle it. Yugyeom is still trying to figure out how to put up the letters.

“Where’d you want me to put this?” You asked but Yugyeom was too focused on the letters.

You shake your head and walked near him. “You have a string or something?” You asked taking some of the letters.

“I think I have some here.” Yugyeom said digging to the other box.

“Here!” He announced holding a ball of yarn.

You smiled shaking your head. “That’s a yarn but that’ll work.”

You and Yugyeom went on to do the decorations. You finished stitching the letters through the yarn while Yugyeom was the one to put up the Christmas lights around the roof deck’s metal ledges.

Yugyeom is on the last meter of the Christmas light when finished putting up the letters.

“What else?” You asked.

“You’re done already?” Yugyeom asked looking up from the tangled lights on his hands.

“Yup!” You answered nodding too cutely. You regretted it in an instant.

Yugyeom made a disgusted face and you answered with rolling your eyes.

Yugyeom chuckled shaking his head. “Hm. Let’s see.” He said leaving the lights for a while then he fished at the box looking for something.

He took out a pair of pliers and a roll of thin metal wire.

“The theme is rustic Christmas, so can you cut and shape this into bells or something—anything Christmas-y?” Yugyeom asked.

You are kind of surprised at how detailed this party is. You know that Yugyeom and his friends have been having this yearly party for years now and they were never really into planning and decorations. You haven’t actually been in one party but as you’ve been seeing in Yugyeom’s Instagram, it has always been a laidback kind of party; like some warm house party.

“Be careful, okay?” Yugyeom reminded you as you take the wire and pliers from him.

“You’re taking this a bit seriously this year, aren’t you?” You asked, ignoring the fact that he sounded like he was giving instructions to an eight-year-old child.

Yugyeom’s eyes light up. “Yeah, this year’s gonna be extra special.”

You started cutting and bending the wires which is actually easy. Aside from the wire being a bit tough to cut, bending it is a lot easier. You were able to make two bells in an instant, you didn’t really mind to make it perfect. The less stiffness, the better.

You are doing your third bell when you had trouble cutting the wire. You put in more force making the pliers twist in your hand, violently hitting you other palm.

“Ow!” You screamed, releasing the pliers and wire with the shock as your sweat make contact with the wound.

Yugyeom dropped the lights on his hands, sprinting towards you in a flash.

“What happened?” He asked, panicking. “Are you alright?” Before you knew it, he has your hand on his, examining the wound. “You said you know how to do it! Look at what happened! What were you doing? I told you to be careful!”

Suddenly, you don’t feel the sting in the wound anymore and felt more irritated by Yugyeom reacting dramatically over a minor scratch.

“It’s barely a scatch, Yugyeom.” You groaned. “Calm down.”

Yugyeom shook his head. “How are you gonna bake now?”

You’re kind of caught off guard at that. It hasn’t been long since you formally learned baking and you’ve been really enjoying it. Your heart warms a bit knowing that someone knows about your little likes. You felt warm, happy.

Yugyeom has his eyes fixed on your hand. You felt yourself smiling—almost blushing at him knowing your hobby.

“I can still use my hand, dumb .” You said taking away your hand from him then tapping him lightly on a cheek. “This is nothing. You’re overreacting.”

For some reasons you can’t understand, Yugyeom flinched at the touch of your hand in his skin. Or maybe you know why.

You know exactly why, you both do.

 

 

It was a chilly night back in college. It was the last day of classes before the holiday break. You were supposed to go back home in your town earlier that day but you got caught up in your thesis. You didn't even notice that you’ve been in the library for almost five hours, by the time you decided to go home, it’s already dark.

You went back to the dorm and found a note from your roommates saying they’ve already gone home without waiting for you. You can’t blame them, it’s almost six and no one in their right mind would love to battle holiday rush hour traffic.

You thought about just going home the next day instead, but you already promised your mom that you’ll be home tonight for dinner. It’s almost dinner and there you are, slumped in your bed, your things half packed.

You immediately called your mom telling her you might not make it home tonight. Sure enough, she scolded you about working yourself too much at school and that she already cooked for dinner. She even roasted pork belly because it’s your favorite. Your mom is sure a nagger but underneath all, she’s a sweet and caring mom.

You told her you’ll most likely get home late granted the traffic in the city and you’ll have a hard time commuting but as they say, mothers know best. Turns out, Yugyeom is on his way home too and your mom told you to just hitch a ride with him.

Yugyeom was staying in a dorm a few blocks away. You thought it was ridiculous how you still end up being neighbors in college. You can literally walk to his place and knock on his door to ask for a ride but his dorm is full of guys who’ll probably just tease any girl who visit any boy in there.

So you called him instead. Luckily, he’s just on his way out and agreed to give you a ride.

A few minutes later, Yugyeom arrived at your dorm while you’re waiting in your doorstep with your bags.

“Why didn't you ask you boyfriend for a ride? He has car, right?” Yugyeom asked, eyes fixed on the road.

“It’s an Everest, okay. Ford.” You said rolling your eyes. Yugyeom always hated your boyfriend or any of your past boyfriends in that matter. “And his hometown is a bit far, he already went home yesterday.”

Yugyeom didn't say anything anymore. You didn't know why he always had bad blood to your boyfriends. You figured he just hated that you’re being happy which is absurd and immature.

“Why do you always hate it when I date someone?” You asked, out of the blue.

Yugyeom looked at you, sort of looking if you’re serious and you are. He can see it in your eyes and the way your arms were crossed in your chest.

You moved your head waiting for his answer.

Yugyeom shaked his head and turned back to the road. “You always date dickheads.”

“What?” You asked, offended.

He didn't answer for a while until you got into a stop and he has no choice but face your question or your rage will take over and you just know what you can do. Your ears are hot and red in anger.

“It’s true.” He insisted and it just made you angrier. “Your first boyfriend was that basketball captain who’s up to no good and just dated you so he could get free tutoring lessons from you, but guess what, he still failed.

“Then there’s that dude you met in freshman orientation who’s just a boy through and through. I kind of thought you’re just desperate to date in college.”

Your fists clenched in your lap. You felt like your whole head is about to explode in anger. This is too much accusation. How can he say this? Who is he to say this to you?

“Then you’re boyfriend now is a cheater, okay?” Yugyeom continued. “How can you not see it? He’s an expert cheater. I bet he’s lying about going home and just out there flirting at some bar or something. Break up with him before he breaks your heart.”

The light turned green and Yugyeom stepped on the gas a bit too aggressive making a sudden movement in the car. That’s when you breakdown crying. Your chest is tight in anger but at the same time with fear. You know Yugyeom is right with your past boyfriends. Your first boyfriend is a user who just copied your notes and homework. Your second boyfriend is just straight up . You regretted dating him right on your second date.

You can’t tell about your boyfriend at that time but it has been bothering you for a while now. There were signs, a bunch of them, but you’ve been ignoring them. And when someone else speaks about the truth you’ve been running from, it just breaks you even more.

Yugyeom wondered why you weren’t answering. When he glanced at you and saw you sobbing, he pulled over and violently stepped on the break in reflex, making you hit your head in the seat.

“Sorry!” Yugyeom said, immediately reaching for your head. “Does it hurt?”

You wanted to slap him right then. Did it hurt? Of course, it ing hurt. You thought to yourself, but it isn’t your head that is hurting. It is your pride and your heart that he just damaged by spitting uncalled for opinions. Or facts.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, a bit softer now like he’s apologizing for the actual thing he did wrong.

You didn't answer, didn't said a word. You’re still in rage and you’re afraid you’ll end up saying things you will eventually regret if you let your emotions take over.

But it’s too much for you, you needed to let it out.

“Who are you to tell me that?” You said, your voice almost cracking. “Who are you to judge my past relationships? Who are you to dictate what I should do?”

There was so much anger in your voice that Yugyeom couldn't even look at you. He knows he said some harsh words but he had no intention of taking it back. What he said was true and he believed you needed someone to shake you up. It has to be him.

There was nothing but silence as you stay in the emergency lane of the highway.

It was quiet except for your sobs and you and Yugyeom’s breathing when the phone resting in your lap rang. It was your mom. It has been almost two hours when you texted her you’re on your way home.

You didn't want to answer it or else she’ll find out your crying. That will just make her worry more. You stared at your phone, didn't know what to do. You thought you’ll just left it unanswered and tell her you were sleeping when you get home.

Yugyeom took the phone and answer it for you. You looked at him with wide eyes trying to ask what he’s doing.

“Hi.” He said. “Yes, it’s me Yugyeom. We got caught in traffic and she fell asleep.”

“No, no. I wasn't driving right now. I stopped in a gas station to buy something.”

Yugyeom was just nodding taking in what your mom is saying. The nodding stopped and a hint of smile flashed in Yugyeom’s face, you wondered what your mom said. “I will. I will soon. Okay. Bye.”

The he hang up and gave you back your phone.

“What did she say?” You asked.

“Nothing.” Yugyeom answered as he turned to the steering wheel to continue your trip home.

That night, Yugyeom helped you bring you bags at home. Your mom invited him for late dinner but he politely declined. He whispered one more sorry before walking home.

Three weeks after that Christmas, you and your boyfriend broke up when you saw him in a café near your school, having a date with a freshman girl from your program. You’re glad it didn't hurt much.

 

 

You’re halfway done with the decorations when you decided to take a break. You and Yugyeom went down to buy food and some other stuff you needed.

You went to a nearby fastfood to eat something.

“This is on me.” Yugyeom said when you both are in queue to order.

“Then I should get something expensive.” You said.

Yugyeom smiled shaking his head. “Okay but remember I just got demoted.”

Your eyes widened in horror. “What? You did?” You asked griping his arm.

Yugyeom burst into laughter. “I’m kidding. Wow, you’re so gullible.”

Your grip in his arm turn into a slap.

You were next in line when you heard someone call you.

When you turned around, you saw your old coworker from your old job. You both threw yourselves into a hug afterwards and exchanged small talk.

"I heard you're having a really good time at your new work." Your ex-coworker said.

"Well, you could say that. I really like what I'm doing." You answered.

"That's great!" She said. "By the way, how is Jaehyun? I haven't heard from him since you two left the company." She sighed. "We missed our power couple."

Your heart froze at the sound of your ex-boyfriend's name.

"Uh, yeah, I hope he's good." You stuttered.

She looked at you with questioning eyes which you just answered with a shy smile but eventually quit it, realizing she has to know the company’s power couple has long broken up.

You opened your mouth to say something but her phone rang. She took it out of her bag and was alarmed when she saw the caller ID.

“Oh, it’s my husband.” She said throwing her arms back at you. “I need to go. It was really nice bumping into you, let’s catch up again next time. Merry Christmas!”

And in a dash, she was out, when you turned back at Yugyeom, he was already paying.

“Chicken and waffles, right? No butter.” Yugyeom asked but it sounded more like an FYI.

You nodded slowly, a bit surprised that he knows your order. “Yeah. No butter.”

You got your waiting numbers and went to look for a seat. You went for the corner of the diner, in the couch seats.

“What was that?” Yugyeom asked. You’re leaning back in the cushioned seat, playing with the condiments while he has his elbows resting at the table, his fingers tapping on the wooden table.

“What was what?” You asked, eyes still on the condiments.

“When that girl asked about your boyfriend...” Yugyeom trailed off as if he’s not wanting to continue but went on anyway. “You didn’t answer directly.”

Your hands suddenly stopped playing with the pepper shaker.

“We broke up.” You said, a hint of bitterness in your voice.

“What?” Yugyeom sounds surprised but you’re more surprised that he’s surprised. He had a record of hating your past boyfriends but he’s actually a bit okay with your boyfriend—ex-boyfriend. He said that finally, you’re not dating a douche. “Since when?”

“About six months ago?” You answered lazily, you just didn’t want to talk about it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” He said sounding apologetic and you hated it.

You rolled your eyes. “We practically live next to each other, how could you not know?”

“You didn’t tell me!” He defended.

“You didn’t ask me!”

“How could I ask you?”

You scoffed. “Yeah. How could you? You never know anything about me, anyway.”

“I know everything about you.” Yugyeom insisted.

You snorted. “Yeah, except my unfortunate love life.”

“I know your favorite color, favorite food, book. I know how you like your steak. I even know how you got that scar behind your ear. So yeah, I know everything about you except your love life.” He blurted out.

You felt your cheeks burn and was caught off guard. “Why are so pressed? And stop shouting at me!”

“‘Cause I hate how you always think that way!”

“Like what?”

“Like I don’t care about you when I do. I care so much about you than you think.”

Your whole body froze, eyes widened, palms turned cold. What was that supposed to mean?

And just to make things awkward, the waitress arrived with your food, probably hearing at least half of their conversation.

The waitress carefully put down your plates before vanishing quickly into thin air.

You ate your food in silence but your head is in chaos, in a crisis. What did he say? That he cares for you more than you think? Why would he? How much was much more than you think is? Is he trying to tell you he cares too much because he likes you?

Come to think of it, Yugyeom has always been giving you mixed signals. One moment he’s thoughtful, the next he’s being so grumpy. First he’ll be nice then one moment later he’ll annoy the hell out of you. One moment you’re having fun talking about something, the next moment, you’re in an endless banter.

And just like now, he’s looking like he’s about to say something close to liking you but then he’s going for the silent treatment, leaving you hanging.

Yugyeom put down his fork a bit violently. The clattering sound of the metal hitting the plate makes you jump in your seat, eyes darting at him.

“Aren’t you gonna say something?” He asked.

Your eyes widened. Really? He’s the one going to throw tantrums now?

“Seriously?” You asked. “I’m not the one spitting nonsense. I kind of the one who needs some explanation right here.”

Yugyeom sighed and it irritated you.

“Explanation?” He asked. “Do you want an explanation?”

“Y-yeah.” You mumbled, suddenly unsure if you really want some explanation. “Yes.” You repeated a bit more stern.

Yugyeom took a deep breath.

“I like you.”

His eyes are staring right at you, past your soul. Like he was talking not just with his mouth but also with his eyes, with his heart even

You felt your heart racing faster in your chest. Did he just say he likes you? You thought. You clasped your hands together trying to find something to grasp at.

He likes you.

He does. His clear eyes are telling it.

But do you like him too?

It’s not hard to like Yugyeom. He’s intelligent, kind, and a real gentleman. Spending almost half of your life with Yugyeom made you realize—a lot of times in the past—that it’s harder not to fall for him. It’s difficult not to fall for his big smile, for his passion for doing what he likes. You have long figured out it’s hard not to fall in love with him.

But he’s Yugyeom. He’s your neighbor who lends you toys. He’s your middle school classmate who knows nothing but to tease you. He’s your high school schoolmate that all your friends used to have a crush on. He’s that college friend who gives you a ride home. He’s someone you always fight with but is also your best comrade.

So you tried to forget about your feelings for him. You dated guys thinking they could be better, or maybe just at least close to him, but always end up with douchebags breaking your heart. It’s just so difficult to find someone like him because he’s Yugyeom.

He’s Yugyeom and he just told you he likes you.

“Now,” Yugyeom mumbled. “I think you should say something.”

You looked at him. He was expecting something. A confirmation, reply—anything. But you don’t know what to say. What should you say? That you like him too? Do you like him too?

Yes. A lot, in fact. You had longest crush on him but are you ready for this? Do you even like him that much?

You opened your mouth to say something—anything but you couldn’t come up with anything.

Yugyeom sighed. “I’m sorry I said that. Please forget about it.”

“No—I—it’s just awkward.” You stuttered not knowing exactly what to say. “I mean—“

You took a deep breath gathering your thoughts. Yes, you do like him. Do you like him that much? You didn't know. But you’ve always wondered about it. About dating Yugyeom. You never wanted to admit it but you always had your moments when you wonder what if. What if you and Yugyeom get together? You know Yugyeom is such a good guy who’s got a lot of love in him. You wondered what it feels likes to be loved by someone like him, to be taken care of someone like him.

Hell, no. You wanted to know what it feels like to be liked by him, by Yugyeom. You wanted to know how to be loved by him.

Because you have always did. Between your bantering and sassy comebacks, lies the fact that, no matter how much awful relationship you get yourself into, there’ll always be a part of your heart saved for Yugyeom. There’s always that part of your heart waiting to be filled with Yugyeom’s love.

So this isn’t about wondering if you like him too because you know you do. You both do and it’s just a matter of taking the risk of crossing the line.

And if Yugyeom has decided to cross that line, shouldn’t you take a step forward with him too?

Yugyeom pulled you out of your thoughts when he took out an envelope from his pocket and put it down on the table.

“Merry Christmas.” He mumbled.

“Huh?” You’re just too confused about what’s happening. One thing is happening over another. “What’s this?” You asked reaching over the envelope.

You opened it and saw two tickets for the musical you’ve been dying to see.

You looked up from the tickets to him. He turned away, looking embarrassed.

“I thought you and your boyfriend could go watch it together but I guess you could just go with a friend or something.” He explained looking away.

You couldn’t help but break into a smile before laughing.

“What?” He asked looking back at you.

“You always act tough and all, but you don’t know a thing about dating. That’s cute.” You said shaking our head.

You saw him blush but he quickly cleared his throat. “As opposed to you who had a lot.”

Your eyes widened in shock. “Excuse me? That’s totally uncalled for.”

You sounded too offended that Yugyeom broke into laughter, his nose and eyes crunching as he do.

You stared at him while he laugh and wondered why you had to go play around when he’s right in front you. He has always been.

You opened the envelope again, took one of the tickets and pushed it to him.

“Yugyeom,” you mumbled to get his attention.

He turned to you, his laughter fading. His eyes darted to the ticket in front of him then back to you. He’s looking puzzled but really just in surprise.

“Can you go with the musical with me?” You asked, hand still on the ticket.

Instead of answering, Yugyeom just stared at you. His eyes clear with sincerity. You answered him with a shy smile.

You and pursed your lips. He has been staring for so long and it’s making you blush.

You swallowed and lean back to your seat. His eyes are still on you but a smile is forming in his face too.

“Say something!” You blurted out, flustered.

Yugyeom broke into laughter. “You really had more experience in this.” He said reaching for the ticket, but his fingers reached farther, touching your hand.