When Baekhyun got back his shared apartment he was met with an empty, loneliness.

He toed off his shoes and unceremoniously removed his jacket and threw it onto the dining room table, placing his keys on top.

He padded with bare feet, he forgot to wash his socks, to the kitchen and grabbed a glass from the cabinet above him. He filled the glass halfway with water and quickly gulped it down in attempts to get rid of the incessant pounding in his head.

His phone buzzed in the pocket of his dark wash jeans.

From: Jongdae >.<

Okay... Did something happen?

Baekhyun rolled his eyes before replying,

To: Jongdae >.<

No, I’m fine.

He set his phone on the kitchen counter before going into the living room and plopping onto the couch. 

He sat staring blankly at the TV, allowing his mind to drift off. 

These were the scariest times. When Baekhyun was left alone with his own thoughts. These were the times Jongdae would find him curled in his bed crying hysterically about god knows what. 

He was fine though.

Yeah, he was fine.

-

“” a loud thud of the front door slamming into the wall as it opened was enough to have Baekhyun jolting awake from his slumber, “I think my roommates asleep”

Not anymore, Baekhyun thought to himself.

“It’s fine” another male voice replied, “we’ll be quiet.”

Baekhyun slumped farther into the couch not daring to make a sound and risk being caught. The coffee table wobbled as he kicks his legs to catch himself from slipping off the couch.

“Ouch” Baekhyun hissed, quickly retracting his leg back.

“Baekhyun?” Jongdae called, “Did I wake you again?” 

“No”

“Sorry Baekhyunnie, I️ know you don’t get a lot of sleep” Jongdae sympathized before turning to whisper to the man he was with.

“I’ll leave, if you guys want uh-“ Baekhyun muttered “you know privacy.”

“No, Baek-“ Jongdae started but Baekhyun had already started to put on his coat and grab his car keys.

“It’s fine Jongdae. Have fun you two. Use protection” Baekhyun winked before putting on his shoes and slamming the door shut.

Now outside, Baekhyun had realised that he really had no place to go. He realised that his only friend was Jongdae. Maybe Sehun on a good day.

He got into his car, luckily he kept a blanket in the backseat just in case, and he curled up letting his drowsiness take over.

-

“Baekhyun I’m sorry you had to sleep in your car last night” Jongdae apologized the next morning.

“It’s fine” Baekhyun plastered a smile onto his face, “least you got some right?” He ended with a somewhat bitter sounding laugh.

“Yeah” Jongdae chuckled, his hand unconsciously rubbing at the side of his neck.

“You think we could go to the open mic night at the coffee shop in downtown tonight?” Baekhyun asked through a mouthful of cereal. 

It’s not that he was was performing or anything, he just enjoyed seeing others strive for their dream. Almost a bitter stab at his crushed dream of becoming a performer. But he enjoyed it nonetheless.

Jongdae looked up from where his eyes had been glued to his phone, “I kind of have plans for tonight”

“Oh”

“B-but I can cancel if you really wanna go” Jongdae quickly added. 

“No it’s fine” Baekhyun’s voice was laced with a subtle sadness, although by now he knew how to hide his disappointment.

Baekhyun knew he wasn’t Jongdae’s only friend. That unlike himself, Jongdae was very social and outgoing, always partying and making friends. He had a large friend group and Baekhyun was honestly surprised Jongdae had stuck around him for so long.

Despite them being polar opposites; in where Baekhyun is winter, Jongdae is summer, Baekhyun is dark, Jongdae is light, they still managed to create a solid friendship back when they met in their freshman year of college.

Baekhyun felt as if he was tying Jongdae down with his constant mental breakdowns. Jongdae always worried about himself despite Baekhyun’s best efforts to convince Jongdae that he was alright. He wanted Jongdae to go out and do better things without the heavy weight of Baekhyun holding him back.

“If you say so Baekkie” Jongdae sang, “I’m gonna go get dressed, okay? I’m leaving in 15 minutes.”

And so it starts Baekhyun thought. He’s starting to get annoyed with me. He didn’t even ask me if I really wanted to go alone. He didn’t even ask me if I was gonna be okay. 

Baekhyun stared down into his less than half eaten bowl of cereal. He pushed the small doughnut-shaped cereals around with his spoon, crushing the soggy bits onto the side of the bowl. He’d lost his appetite.

He dumped the remainder of his cereal into the sink and ran water into the bowl before placing down, making a mental note to clean it later. 

“See ya later Baekhyun!” Jongdae called before the slamming and locking of the door was heard throughout the apartment.

Had it been 15 minutes already?

And yet again Baekhyun is left in silence with only his own thoughts to entertain himself. 

Baekhyun pondered the thought of texting a friend, only to remember that his only friend, Jongdae, was currently out with who knows who doing who knows what. 

He sighed, unlike usual it was not a sad sigh, it was more a bored sigh. Although Baekhyun, who was a week behind on his assignments for Business Law, had no right to be bored when he had a paper due the next morning. Which of course, he had no energy to finish, or even start for that matter.

Ultimately he decided to go back into his room and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling thinking about the “what if’s.”

What if he had never listened to his mother and perused his dream of becoming a musician?

What if he had never became a business major?

What if he had never met Jongdae?

What if he had never been born?

He shuddered at the last one, he didn’t want to think about that one for long. 

But he wondered how different life would be if he was doing something that made him happy.

Something worth living for.