The sky was still dark and the street lights were still on when I drove across Seoul’s national highway, Lifehouse’s You and Me faintly playing on the radio. It was just two in the morning and I barely had sleep since yesterday, but I have never felt so awake in my life. I chanced a glance at the passenger seat where Jung Sooyeon—or Jessica as she was fondly called by people—was currently seated, her head leaned against the car window, and gaze locked somewhere, seemingly in a daze.

I let out a low sigh as I turned my gaze back at the road; an accident is the last thing on my list right now. I don’t exactly know what I was doing, but I know for sure that when I saw Jessica crying on the street earlier, I had to take her away from there. And so here we are, inside my father’s old car, enveloped in silence.

Jessica's no stranger to me since we came from the same neighbourhood and even attended the same high school until two years ago, when we graduated. I have always known Jessica to be bubbly and cheerful; she had many friends in high school and a lot more suitors. She was one of the it girls in high school, the ones that the boys chased and the girls envied. I, on the other hand, hung out with the not-so-popular-kids at school. We weren't the nerd ones, nor the ones who always got bullied, but we were part of the crowd that the rest of the school doesn't really notice, or chose not to notice.

Jessica has yet to utter a word since she climbed in the car with her tear-stained cheeks, her mascara running down as if she’s been crying for days. I wonder how long she has been on that sidewalk, though, it was dimly lit and a pretty dangerous side of the street. She doesn’t seem drunk, but she seems…. distressed. Well, obviously she was, but the question that bothers me is why. I just couldn’t bring myself to ask, I feel like I’m not allowed to know, I feel like I’m still just a spectator of her life - like I have always felt in high school.

It wasn’t a secret that everyone liked Jessica in high school, everyone including me. I can’t remember when I started staring whenever she tucks a hair behind her ear, or when I started distinguishing the sound of her laughter amidst the noisy kids in the cafeteria or in the hallway or in any other place I chanced upon her and her friends - or when I started noticing how she actually slightly cowers away whenever the basketball team shares table with her and her friends, or when I started noticing how she spaces out when someone she’s not interested in talks to her, or when I started noticing how she always gets watermelon shake instead of mango. Those were just a few of it, though, Jessica still has a lot of habits that her friends don’t really notice. Or maybe I was just looking so hard I think I could pass as a stalker. Or maybe it’s just the fact that we have been the closest of friends in elementary school, when we both still want to sit in front of the class.

She doesn’t look like the chubby-cheeked Jessica I’ve always made fun of in elementary school anymore, but she definitely became more attractive - despite the mess her tears made in her face. My best friends always told me that I easily get attracted to glittery things, maybe that’s why I can’t keep myself from glancing, because she looks magnificent under the yellowish street lights, almost glowing. All that was missing is a halo and wings.

I can’t help my mouth from stretching into a small smile when I took a peek at her hands that are tightly clutching my white handkerchief, as if she’s too afraid to let go of it. If only she remembered how that handkerchief ended up being mine, maybe she’ll laugh a little at the memory of a clumsy Taeyeon she had so patiently tried to stop from crying when I fell on my knees. I didn’t have a big wound back then, it was just a little scratch, but Jessica insisted she should tie a handkerchief around my knee. “It’s like what they do in films,” she had said proudly. She was such a cutie, everyone loved her since she was little. And, of course, that includes me, again.

“Thank you,” I heard her say in a small voice I am not used to. She had always talked in a loud voice, especially when she was with her friends. This, though, sounds just like the timid Jessica in elementary school. She would always whisper her answers that our teacher needed to ask her to say it again.

“It’s nothing,” I tried answering coolly, nodding my head at the handkerchief briefly. It was really nothing, it was the least I could do.

“Don’t turn,” she said abruptly when I signaled to turn to the corner of our neighbourhood, her voice sounding like she’s in panic. I put the car on stop to look at her, but she refused to look at me.

“Is everything alright?” I asked, hoping my voice didn’t give away my curiosity.

“I—“ Jessica wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell me, I could tell by the way her eyebrows were pulled together to the center. I was hurt, to say the least, because I thought that maybe she still considered me as her friend.

I was about to put the car on drive again, deciding that it was better if she rest in their house instead of just being outside, when she started talking again. “I don’t want to go home,” she told me through her silent sobs.

“Shh,” I told her while lightly touching her head - like the way she did on mine when I fell on my knees. “It’s okay,” I told her again, but I don’t really know what was going to be okay, only that she might need those comforting words. “It’s going to be okay.”

She shakes her head and I immediately took my hand off, afraid that she doesn’t like anyone touching her. “Can you,” she hesitated for bit, then looks up to meet my eyes. “Can you take me away, please?”

That rendered me speechless for a fraction of a second. “What?”

She turned away from me, but I was sure I saw the sadness in those beautiful eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said, hand taking hold of the door handle. “I shouldn’t have asked. Thank you for the ride.”

Panic settled in, thinking that I disappointed her, so I put the car on drive even before Jessica could push the door open, not really knowing where to go. “I don’t know where you want to go,” I told her as I continued driving out of the place. “But I’ll take you away from here.”

Jessica didn’t answer, but I can sense that she was a little relaxed now. She had her head on the head rest this time, body turned slightly towards my direction. I was feeling a little self-conscious, but I couldn’t tell her not to look either.

“What have you been up to, Taengoo?”

I was surprised at how smooth my old nickname rolled out of her tongue, as if she had practiced this perfectly for the past years. I have always imagined it to be awkward - her calling me by the nickname she made up for me when we were young. She was Jeccica and I was Taengoo, and together we fought the imaginary villains that had occupied the playground. It was the best of times.

I didn’t notice I was smiling until Jessica chuckles on her seat, waiting for my answer. “University,” I said coolly, or at least tried to.

“University,” Jessica said in a voice I would categorize as dreamy. I couldn’t understand it at first. “Is it fun?”

My face instantly scrunched up out of habit as I exhaled loudly through my nose. Sunny and Tiffany would always laugh at my reaction whenever I was asked if uni is fun. Nope. Nuh-uh. “Not what I’ve expected,” I told her honestly. Because it wasn’t really what I expected. I expected to have more sleeping time in college, but turned out I have had more rests in high school. “But I’d be lying if I’ll say I don’t like being in University.” And I did lie because college felt so monotonous to me, especially because there’s no Jung Sooyeon there to grace the hallways with her bubbly self everyday. But I can’t deny the advantage of not having a Jung Sooyeon at school: being able to concentrate on my courses. I now realized how stupidly in love I was with her in high school.

A cafe came into view then, standing proudly among closed stores with a signage that says they are open 24 hours a day. “I bet you’re hungry,” I told Jessica, slowing down to park in front of the small cafe. She turned towards the direction of the cafe and cracked her lips into a little smile as I turned the engine off.

“Not really,” she said. “But I could use some—“ I excitedly cut her off by saying “Watermelon shake” and I’ve never been so embarrassed in front of Jessica until now. What was I even thinking? But then she smiled wider at me - her perfect whites showing, eyes disappearing in her now fresh face—thanks to the wet tissues I have always kept in the dashboard compartment.

“How did you know?” she said curiously. I’m just thankful she didn’t find that creepy at all.

“Just guessing.” And the lies just continued flowing that I feel kind of sick about myself. Small lies, big lies, still lies. And I hate lying.

“I was going to say pancakes, but watermelon shake sounds nice, too.”

I wanted nothing but to disappear in that moment. I was trying to act cool and I even got that wrong. She was not talking about watermelon shake or any other juice. If Sunny and Tiffany were here, they would have probably died laughing. But then Jessica looks at me with gentle eyes, as if she knew the inner battle I was having with myself, and I can’t help but stare. “Taeng-Gu,” she said teasingly, knowing full well how much I hated that nickname in elementary school. “You’re doing it again.”

I wanted to ask her what she was talking about, but I didn’t even had the chance to utter a single word as she reached for my face to caress my eyebrows as if she’s trying to straighten a crumpled paper. My eyes followed the movement of her hand as I sat in the car, heart pounding so loud I feel like she could actually hear it.

“There,” she said with a proud smile, the one I would always see in elementary school whenever she made me stop from crying, or whenever she gets three stars for her artwork. The Jessica I am face to face with right now looks very different from the Jessica I picked up from the sidewalk just hours ago. Her eyes were still sad, but she was smiling a lot, or at least trying to.

“You’re weird,” is all that came out from my mouth. Jessica laughed at it—at me—like I just told her the funniest joke nobody has ever made.

“Why do you keep calling me weird?” she said as she came down from her laughing fit.

“Because you are,” I told her with a shrug of my shoulders. “Just now, you laughed like I was telling you a joke.”

Jessica shook her head. “I laughed because I remembered in first grade,” Jessica said, grinning now. “You would always tell me I’m weird even when I didn’t do anything but sit beside you.”

I couldn’t remember that part, but was pretty sure Jessica was right about me telling her she’s weird when we were kids.

“Also,” she added, raising her index finger as if she was trying to stop me from talking. I wasn’t even going to talk. “Remember that time you told me I make you feel weird? Like, what was that all about?”

Yeah, what was that about? I can’t even remember. How come she remember all those things? I always thought Jessica had forgotten being close to me.

Jessica curved her lips into a frown at me, as if I hurt her feelings. “You don’t remember anymore,” she said in a convincingly sad tone. “Taengoo has forgotten about the golden days.”

I stared at her, fighting the urge to laugh out loud and tell her she’s acting weird again. Jessica talked to me like I’ve never been (practically) invisible to her for the past years. Like we’ve only just been away from each other for the summer and were now reuniting. It’s weird, but good weird, I would tell you.

“We should really get you your pancakes now,” I told her teasingly, implying that she’s just hungry that’s why she’s spouting all these nonsense.

“That’s the best thing I have heard from you,” she said before hopping out of the car. The smile on my face stretched wide as I got out of the car, too, training my eyes on Jessica’s back as she happily skipped to the door of the cafe. I can’t explain the happiness I was feeling, but I was sure Jessica’s somehow happy disposition at that moment had a lot to do with it. I couldn’t bear looking at her earlier, not because she looked like a mess, but because it broke my heart that someone as precious as her had to shed tears for something or someone who probably isn’t even worth it.

“Taengoo,” Jessica yelled as she stopped just outside the door. “Let’s go.” I nod my head at her before following. The sky was still a little dark, but there was already a sign of daybreak from afar. It will be a long day, I suppose.

I saw Jessica sitting on the table against the glass wall as I entered the cafe so I walked up to the counter to order. The lady behind the counter smiled at me before taking my order, looking at me with wide eyes as I ordered two sets of coffee, pancakes, bacon and omelette.

“What happened to the watermelon shake?” Jessica, eyeing the coffee cups, asked as I sat down across her.

I shrugged at her, placing her cup on her side of the table. "I figured that it's going to be a long day, better get some energy booster."

Jessica drew out a long sigh as she slumped on her seat, facing the glass window, as if she had been so tired. I stared at her secretly, hiding the smile on my face with the cup. She looked so… serene in that moment and I sketched her in my memory, afraid that this might be the only time I’ll be able to be this close to her again.

I can’t deny I miss looking at Jessica like that, it had just been two years since I last saw her, but it feels like a lifetime have passed. I wanted to know what she had been up to since graduating from high school, who she had been hanging out with, where she studies, and a lot more.

“Look,” she said gently, her voice as tired as her eyes. She pointed somewhere over the roof of some building, but I wasn’t able to see what she wanted me to see, because I didn’t want to take my eyes off of her. “The sky is turning gray. I think the sun is coming out soon,” she said.

Our sets of pancake, bacon, and omelette arrived just shortly after that, and Jessica looked like she could use some sleep as she gingerly cut her food. There were bags under her eyes that I noticed  just now, and again I couldn’t stop staring.

Jessica cleared . “It’s kind of creepy, you know, when you get stared at while cutting your pancake,” she said without looking up.

I apologized immediately, tilting my head downwards to focus on the food on my plate, the butter melting now. I didn’t say another word.

“I know you’re curious,” she said again, but neither of us looked up from our plate. “And maybe surprised. But I just want you to know how grateful I am that it was you who saw me there.”

I hummed and nodded my head, not really sure if Jessica saw that, but whatever. I was too embarrassed to look. We ate the rest of our food in silence until it was time to go again.

I wasn’t familiar with the place we were in, so when I pulled the car out of the parking space, I took the road that looked promising - towards where the first sign of day showed.

Katy Perry’s Thinking of You came on the radio and Jessica asked if we could turn the volume up. I did, and saw her mouthing the lyrics to it. Maybe that was her favorite song. Goes to show how little I know of Jessica, really.

“Sorry,” she said when the song was over. “About what happened in the cafe earlier.”

“I don’t mind,” I told her honestly. “It’s fine, really.”

“I didn’t mean to sound y or anything.”

I laughed at that. She was nowhere close at sounding y earlier, instead she sounded like a scared kid in the playground while a stranger looks at her. “You didn’t,” I told her. “And it’s okay, really.”

Jessica smiled, and from the corner of my eyes I could see her shifting on the passenger seat as she turned her body slightly towards me. “I was actually surprised this car still runs,” she said, touching the dashboard with her fingers.

I grinned proudly. My father had always been good at taking care of things, especially the special ones. And when he gave me the car, I have sworn with my life to take care of it as much as he did. “Some parts of it were replaced, like the aircon, car stereo, seat covers. But the engine is still the old one.”

I could tell Jessica was surprised by the way her body leaned a little closer towards me. “How long has it been?” she asked. “Fifteen years?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow,” she said, sounding amazed.

Then the conversation died at that, Jessica now scooting back to her seat while I focused on driving. Stephen Speaks' Passenger Seat played next and I can't help but steal glances at my passenger.

The sky was already a shade of pink when we reached a small village somewhere on the outskirts of Seoul. I didn’t know the place because I’ve never been there before, but I realized I wasn’t scared of getting lost.

Jessica was awake the whole ride, but her eyes were drooping, practically begging to get some rest. I stopped at a small park, deciding that we should both get some rest first. Jessica turned to look at me questioningly and I smiled at her before answering, “You look tired, you should get some rest first.”

Her gaze lingered at me for a moment, eyes bare of any emotion, before turning her head towards the direction of the park. “Here?” she said.

“Here,” I answered, pertaining to the car. “It’s not the most comfortable place right now but it’s better than the benches on that park, I guess.”

She turned back at me. “Oh,” she said. “I thought you meant the park.”

I looked at the park. It was clean, but I wasn’t sure if it was safe. I wouldn’t risk it so I shook my head.

“On the grass,” Jessica said with pleading eyes. “Under that big tree, please?”

I looked at her incredulously. Was she being serious?

“Come on Taeyeon, just like when we were kids,” she said with a smile. “We used to take a nap on your backyard remember?”

“But that was our backyard,” I told her. “It was safe and we were sure we’d wake up in one piece.”

Jessica shook her head at me, her expression challenging. “It shouldn’t be that bad,” she said, looking around. “It looks like it’s a decent village.”

I shook my head harder, unbuckling my seatbelt as I reclined my seat. “All the villains live in a decent looking village, you of all people should know that.”

Jessica unbuckled her seatbelt, too, and I expected her to recline her seat, but all I heard was the gentle slamming of her door and I jolted up to see her sprinting under the pinkish sky towards the park. I heaved a sigh as I followed her, locking the car behind me, but not forgetting to get the small blanket I have always kept in the backseat.

Jessica smiled at me widely when I approached her, her eyes going down to the blanket on my hand. “You don’t seem prepared,” she said teasingly.

I laid the blanket on the clean grass under the shade of a tree. “I used to go camping with Sunny and Tiffany so I always had this in the car.”

Jessica sat down on the caramel colored blanket and I followed suit. She looked at me with round excited eyes again. “You have tent in the trunk?” she asked, voice a little chipper as if she drank a ton of coffee.

I hate to disappoint her, but I shook my head. “No,” I told her. “Only this blanket. Sorry.”

“Oh,” she said, her gaze falling down to the blanket. “It’s not that bad, this blanket looks comfortable.”

I watched as Jessica lay on the blanket, her hair messy on her face before she swept them to the side. She closed her tired eyes and covered them with her forearm. I watched as her chest rise and fall in a gentle rhythm until I felt my own eyes closing. I lay beside Jessica, maintaining a decent space between us as much as my small blanket allowed. She shifted uncomfortably on her spot, her head probably finding a comfortable position. Without thinking, I put my arm under her head, which surprised Jessica and myself. I expected her to tell me to get my arm away, but instead she moved closer to me, her head using my upper arm as a pillow, her back pushed towards my chest. We were so close that it kept me awake for a good five minutes until I slowly drifted into sleep.

I woke up to the sound of the birds chirping and a mope of dark hair tickling my chin. I didn’t move, not wanting to wake Jessica who was now hiding in my chest like a little child. I needed to calm my racing heart when I realized that, because I was sure Jessica could feel it against her forehead. Jesus, what have I gotten myself into? I thought I had made so much progress at getting over Jung Sooyeon over the course of two years, but my fast beating heart said otherwise. Just like that, I was drawn towards Jessica again.

I some loose strands of hair on her face, sweeping them backwards so I could get a better look at the beauty that was clinging onto me. I had to stop myself from kissing her forehead. I breathed her in—strawberry shampoo mixed with her sweet cologne—and forgot the world for a while. I wonder how long it was going to last.

I wonder how long I will be able to be in her presence.