Word Count: 8429

Being woken could almost have been normal. Sehun’s sleep addled mind told him to get up when Luhan came to get him. He missed the red puffiness of Luhan’s eyes and got dressed without saying a word. It wasn’t until they were walking to a pool of water that Sehun woke up enough to remember. The collar was still around his neck and things still held an eerie silence. He couldn't take it. All through morning prayer, the silence distracted him. He couldn't get himself to recite a proper prayer because his mind was still racing. But because it was all silent anyway, Luhan would never know.

They hadn't spoken a word though Sehun could feel Luhan's desperation to speak. And every time Luhan made a move to do so, Sehun pulled away. Whatever he had to say, Sehun didn't want to hear it. Sehun would only comply with all of this to keep from getting extra days added to his punishment.

"Good morning," a familiar voice hummed as they returned to camp after prayer. It was Minseok. He had set up his tent next to theirs last night after Sehun had gone to bed. "I've been told you are designated cook."

Sehun grimaced. "That would be me," he said, ignoring Luhan's stunned expression. Minseok hadn't been the one to take his gift from him, though. He wasn't happy with the man for bringing him back here, but that anger was far less volatile. Luhan could be upset for all he cared. He could still breathe easier than Sehun could right now.

He set about making breakfast over the fire Chanyeol had set and got out the plates. He made a little extra so that Minseok could eat and Sehun would still get some when they finished. Everyone trickled out of their tents and didn't say anything about the tense quiet. They all ate and Sehun packed up the things while he waited for his turn to eat. But even when he was finally allowed to eat, he didn't feel all that hungry.

He was shaky all day, either from the stress or lack of food or maybe it was some form of magical withdrawal. Was there even such a thing? He scratched at the collar on his neck without thinking about it. The skin around it glowed red from apparent picking and attempted prying. He must have done that in his sleep because Sehun was trying to be good about not touching it.

When they got moving, Sehun didn't feel like himself at all. He felt trapped in a body that wasn't his. A body with no magic. When he shot arrows, he couldn't correct the shot without his wind to guide it. They caught less game and it was always getting harder to find. It came straight out of Sehun's mouth. Everyone ate first before him, so they had the fullest bowls, but Sehun got the scraps.

Sehun dreaded the stop at midday, but what surprised him was an offered waterskin. It came from a stern looking Chanyeol. Sehun took it without drinking from it, muttered thanks passing his lips. Then he went back to staring at the ground. He tried to think about flowers and their meanings to drown out the constant silence. It didn't work so well.

"Remember your stretches and meditation today," Chanyeol reminded him. Then he left Sehun to himself. He would keep his word that today was his day of rest. But Sehun didn't know why Chanyeol still wanted him to meditate. He couldn't feel anything inside of him. His powers were in hiding or gone or not where they should be. He couldn't learn anything from them if he didn't know where they were.

Stretching was a decent distraction, however. He took his time going over every muscle he could think of. He worked them taught and waited for them to relax into whatever position he was putting them. Because he felt as if he had all the time in the world, he continued until his muscles screamed at him. But even this methodical torture wasn't enough to take away the constant noise of silence. He spent the last fifteen minutes of their rest in quiet tears, curling himself up at the base of a rock. He was only disturbed when they needed to move. Otherwise, no one bothered him.

Sehun continued on, but at some point on the first day, something in him snapped. He couldn't do this. He didn't want to do this. It hurt worse than any pain he had ever felt before. The pain of losing Taeyeon had been the closest, but this was still worse by far. He had always had that one thing from his mother and he had believed nothing but death could take it away. Now he wanted to be dead. He wanted nothing more than to slip away and forget this ever happened. But he was still painfully alive.

"We need to stop," he heard Minseok say. Then there were hands on his arms and a pair of eyes searching him as the group came to a halt ahead of them. Sehun looked back into those eyes without seeing and broke down. It started slow, a single tear first before more and then a scrunching face, trying to hold it all back. Next was the first quiet sobs and then full on heart wrenching screams of all the emotion that bubbled up in him.

He didn't say what he was thinking, but in this moment, he hated all of them and he didn't want to live. That much was clear to all but Minseok who held Sehun in a tight grip. No one else got that privilege. Only Minseok had spoken to Sehun today beyond a few words. Only Minseok had been able to take his hand and move him along. So Minseok was the one to sit him down and his hair while Sehun's tough exterior melted to that of a child.

"Sehun, listen to me," Minseok hushed. He was firm though not unkind. "Please, try."

Sehun couldn't quiet his sobs long enough to respond, but he did try to hold them down at least a little bit. He looked at Minseok, the tears still in his eyes and the cries still leaving his lips, but he tried.

"By the time we reach Aspal, you will have your powers back," he said. "I am here to promise you that. So do not worry. You can hold on for a few days, right?" Sehun didn't know if he could or not. He felt like he couldn't right now, but he supposed another four days of this couldn't be any worse than it was now. Despite the urge to shake his head, Sehun ended up nodding. Minseok smiled at him and Sehun let more tears fall. "That's a good boy," Minseok purred as he pulled Sehun into a comforting hug. Sehun didn't stop crying, but he quieted to something less broken.

The relief that the others felt was almost visible, but at the same time, they had nothing to say. It did not settle well with them that a near stranger appeared closer to Sehun than them.

That night, there was loud talk outside of the tent Sehun had laid down in. He had made dinner, but then he went to bed instead of eating. He was stuck in a loop of depression, and everyone knew it. Earlier in the day, he swore his dagger had winked at him in the light of the sun. He didn't make a habit of sleeping with weapons, but tonight he made a conscious decision to leave it outside.

"Maybe we should end this," Luhan whispered from outside.

"If we end it, he'll walk away with no concept of consequences," Chanyeol told Luhan.

"Don't you see this is killing him?" Luhan questioned. "It's only been a day and he looks terrible. He's going to die at the rate he's going."

"He will not," Chanyeol insisted. "He will pull through like he always has and he'll be a better, stronger person for it."

"He doesn't speak to anyone. He isn't eating. He's heartbroken, Chanyeol."

"He knows this is his fault," Baekhyun interjected. "He knows deep down that he deserves this and he'll be okay. I promise, Luhan. We won't let his dark thoughts take him from you. From us."

"How can you promise that?"

"Because the one blessing we have in this case is another mouth to feed," Baekhyun snorted. It was a clear attempt at trying to lighten the mood.

"I heard that!" Minseok's voice came from somewhere beyond their conversation. "You love me!"

Everyone laughed, the solemnness of the moment broken. They all knew Sehun was safe in his tent and couldn't be doing anything to himself in there. Sehun sighed to himself and fell into sleep before they could tell him to do anything else.

-----

Nightmares plagued his sleep all night. In one, he was back in Falita on the day of his arrest. The feeling of powerlessness surrounded him as the two men and the maid attacked him. Only, in this alternate version of reality, they got what they wanted. His powers never came to him.

In another, Sir Choi beat him to a bloody pulp before throwing him to a room of wolves. Again, Sehun's powers didn't come to him and he was too weak to save himself.

In the last nightmare, he was bound to a wooden post and people tossed wood into a large pile at his feet. They littered the wood with kindling and dry leaves before bringing a torch forward. Sehun screamed as the wood caught and escalated to a blaze.

The fear did not choke his screams, and his powers never came.

He woke in a cold sweat at some point in the night. Yixing looked down at Sehun with startled eyes as he shook Sehun's shoulders to wake him.

"Sehun, wake up!" he hissed. Sehun's eyes widened with the urgency of Yixing's tone and he sat up.

"What's wrong?" he asked, rubbing his eyes. Then someone pulled their tent flap back and Sehun could see everyone out of their tents. They wore similar expressions of shock as they stood in front of their tent entrance. "Why are you all up?"

"Sehun, you were screaming in your sleep," Yixing informed him.

Sehun collapsed back against his bedroll and turned over, trying not to look at any of them. "Sorry," he muttered. Not like he could help it. He hadn't felt safe since they took his power yesterday. And his dreams held too much darkness. All he wanted was to sleep.

"Sehun, get up."

That was Luhan's voice. Sehun sighed, not wanting to get into any deeper trouble. He opened his eyes and stood, stepping out of the tent at Luhan's asking.

"Come with me," Luhan ordered. Then he walked away from camp with a stride that brokered no argument. Sehun followed, feeling the rest of them staring after him as he went.

They walked for what felt like a long time and Sehun wondered where the hell they were going. But he refused to be the first one to speak. He didn't want to break in front of Luhan like he had earlier in front of everyone. But finally, Luhan brought him to a large clearing. It was a place where he could see the sky and all the winter stars that were above them. It was cold, but Sehun almost didn't notice it when Luhan stopped in front of him and waited.

"This is why no one wanted to do this to you," Luhan said, voice broken with tears still not shed. "Chanyeol said it would be hard for you, but not like this. He said it would be like a constant grating. Something annoying and unsettling and eventually you might have a meltdown. But this is so much worse than we imagined. Any of us. This is-"

"Torture," Sehun finished for him. "Yes. This is torture, but torture with only the purpose of getting me to obey."

"We haven't laid a hand on you," Luhan said, the first tears falling down his pale cheeks. "But you act as if we have stabbed you in many places and still kept you alive. Which makes me believe we've missed something. Why do you react so strongly to this? We have taken your powers before. Is this not similar to the bracelet? You handle that well."

"Why do you care?" Sehun questioned, feeling a sudden flash of anger. "Why do you care the extent of the effect it has on me? Why should it matter as long as it works and gets me to comply? Because I can promise that I won't rebel like that ever again if this is what waits for me."

Despite the rise in his volume and the obvious anger, Luhan's answer was too quiet.

"I care because I love you, Sehun," Luhan whispered. The stunned silence between them was enough for Luhan to know he now had Sehun's attention. He gave Sehun a sad smile and continued. "I've loved you for quite a while now. Even before you bathed me. Even before I told you that you would be king. Just like I picked you to be king, I picked you as the person I wanted to remain beside forever."

“Then you have made a poor choice,” Sehun muttered. He ignored the part of his heart that was elated to hear Luhan’s confession. He ignored the happy butterflies that sprang into his stomach. In fact, he stamped them out before he could change his mind. Because Sehun was about to lie through his teeth and it was going to destroy him. “I don’t love you back and I will not be your king. I’m going to the sky kingdom to find Taeyeon’s brother and fulfill my promise. That’s the only reason I’m still here. And when I’m done and my contract with all of you is served, I’ll disappear into the hills and never think of any of you again!”

Luhan slapped him, but it was not out of anger like the last one had been. It was out of hurt. Sehun resisted the urge to rub away the pain, because he had deserved that for the lie. But when Sehun looked into those eyes, he saw something he hadn’t seen in quite a while. That fire. The smile Luhan gave him was bitter and sad, but the fire did not go out and Sehun knew Luhan hadn’t bought a word he said.

“I’ll give you until we go to the lifts to take that all back,” Luhan said. He seemed surprised by how stable his voice was. “Because the lie you just told me is unconvincing. However, I can’t be expected to stick around for you without getting anything in return. I’m here on a mission, but if my mission proves too difficult for me, someone else will do it and I can’t let that happen.”

Sehun didn’t understand, but he wasn’t about to ask. He was still too angry. “Fine, but when we go to the lifts and I still haven’t changed my mind, don’t come crying to me.”

“Fine.” But then Luhan pulled on Sehun’s hand, yanking him down onto the grass with a heavy thud and an “oof” as he hit the ground. Then Luhan was down beside him. Sehun made to get up, but Luhan pulled him back down. “You’re not going to get any sleep in a tent,” he said to Sehun as if it were an excuse to stay there.

“And you think I’ll get any rest out here?” Sehun questioned. “It’s freezing.”

“That’s why I’m here.” Then Luhan pulled himself on top of Sehun and fixed him with a stare. Sehun couldn’t help but stare back at him, confused. He had been so angry only seconds ago, and now he stared at Luhan and wondered when. When exactly had been his moment to fall in love? Because right now, he couldn’t lie to himself. He was in love and angry and sad and hurt and he still wanted nothing more than to kiss Luhan and apologize.

“Get off me,” Sehun grumbled instead.

“No.” Luhan responded. Sehun sighed and dropped his head to the grass, looking up at the stars. Luhan clung a little closer, dropping his head to Sehun’s chest. “You never told me why this hurts you so much.”

Sehun didn’t speak right away, but he gave in and wrapped a hand around Luhan’s back. His hand slipped casually under the hem of Luhan’s shirt. “You took away my mother’s only gift to me,” he finally answered. Luhan froze over him, finally understanding. Sehun continued. “And it feels different from the bracelet. It feels like her gift is never going to come back. I’ve never felt so alone before.”

“But you’re not alone,” Luhan said, squeezing Sehun in his tight grip. “You have us. You have me.”

“When you took it away, it didn’t feel like it anymore.”

“Sehun, we didn’t want to do this to you.”

“Then why did you?”

“Because you asked us to give you what you deserve. As sorry as I am, this is what you asked of me.”

“Taking away my only connection to my mother?” Sehun questioned in disbelief.

“Your inaction took away Baekhyun’s mother, did it not?” Luhan reminded Sehun. That was worse than a slap in the face. “That’s why you wanted to atone in the first place, yes?”

Sehun hadn’t thought of that, but Luhan was right. This was exactly what Sehun had asked for. Now this particular punishment for not following instructions was a little too perfect. Sehun felt ashamed of himself for not seeing it sooner. Maybe it had been an accident, but Chanyeol had picked the right punishment. It had gotten a response from Sehun and he wouldn’t be challenging anyone else after this.

Sehun felt like crying and he stared up at the sky while he remained silent. Luhan didn’t continue and instead ran soothing hands through Sehun’s hair.

“No one has told you, have they?” Luhan asked, finally coming to some realization.

“Told me what?” Sehun asked, relaxing into those hands despite what he wanted to do. “I haven’t exactly been speaking to anyone since you guys slapped this on me.”

“That’s right,” Luhan hummed, brushing the hair back from Sehun’s forehead. “Well, let’s say that I’m seeing starlight in more places than the sky. Does that make this a little easier?”

Sehun reached up to finger his own hair, his fingers meeting Luhan's. It didn’t feel any different than usual and he couldn’t see it like Luhan could. However, the knowledge that something of his mother was still there made him feel a tiny bit better.

“A little,” he answered, taking a breath. But his breath caught in his throat and he wanted to cry all over again. He swallowed and the tears left him for now.

“Will you try to not be mad at everyone now?” Luhan questioned. “They’re worried about you.”

Sehun didn’t answer, but he pushed Luhan off of him finally and got up. He could have walked away. He could have gone back to camp or gone for a walk, but he reached for Luhan’s hand and pulled him up.

"I'm not ready to talk to them yet," Sehun said as he stood with Luhan. "I'm still plenty upset, but you're right. I asked for this and this punishment is appropriate. But I'm having a hard time taking it."

"We knew that would happen," Luhan said. "Anyone born with a gift like yours misses it when it disappears. There are plants that eliminate its presence for a few days as well. Sometimes they get ingested by mistake, but it always comes back. We have not destroyed your gift. We have only hidden it from you. Remember that."

Sehun nodded. "I'll try to," he said. "But I cannot promise more panic attacks won't happen again."

"I know," Luhan said with a nod. "But will you let me comfort you next time?"

"We will see," Sehun muttered. "Minseok was the first to notice last time. I don't know what he saw, but he saw it before I even started to panic."

"Minseok knows many things it seems," Luhan said with a sigh. "He might know a few things more that we are not sure of yet."

"What has he told you?" Sehun asked, heading back to the camp; his steps slow. He wondered if everyone was still up or if they had gone back to bed knowing that Luhan would take care of him. They had to go in the morning and everyone needed their rest.

"A few things," was Luhan's vague answer. "He knows someone like you." Luhan didn't elaborate on that no matter how much Sehun asked. It was as if there was some secret that Luhan was not telling him. "Anyway, we will reach Aspal in a few days and your punishment shall be over. Can y