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Blind Spot

Because the worst monster always lays unseen

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Ever since she was a child, what scared Jessica the most was not the monster under the table, nor was it the ghost hiding on the corner.

 

“Thought you’d seen the last of me, Jessica?”

 

No. What scared her was always something closer, something that latched onto her, her shadow, the reflection behind the mirror.

 

“What’s with the face? Shouldn’t you be happy to see me?”

 

It was almost like a reunion –one that she was forced to have. Staying in this asylum for the past seven years was supposed to help her get rid of him. Jessica traded the days under the sunshine with the cold walls of the asylum; preferred being studied by the apologetic doctors than being treated as a stranger by her family. Her decision to enter the asylum had been voluntarily. This asylum was not the best home; people here never truly looked at her properly; the food had always been bland, but most importantly, it had been safe; it had protected her from him.

 

But it no longer did.

 

The syringe that no longer had any effect, the therapy that was rendered useless with one glance, her strong will of getting cured, of running away from him, turned out to be futile. 

 

Angry, desperate tears silently flowed from her dark brown eyes. The years, her efforts, her sacrifice… he should have disappeared, and she should have been freed…

 

“Ch, still as ugly as I remember.”

 

On the other side of the mirror was not a reflection of a young, brown-haired girl with deep, penetrating gaze. On the other side of the mirror was him –an existence, a reflection that should not have been there, smirking mockingly at her direction from within his glass cage.

 

“W-why…” she weakly muttered at the figure on the other side of the mirror. Her knees went weak, but as he stood tall, so would she. “Heechul,” she hissed the cursed name, her very own ghost whose existence she loathed the most in the world. “H-how dare you appear again. I-I’ve gotten rid of you y-years ago! W-why?”

 

“Why? Because I am you and you are me,” the boy in the mirror responded with the utmost satisfied grin on his face. If Jessica cried due to dread, Heechul felt like he could cry of ecstasy –of relief. She thought she was almost cured. He thought she was too full of herself. “Finally, you acknowledge my existence again. Finally, .”

 

Jessica clutched her hair, and Heechul mimicked her –only that, in exchange of a hysterical scream from her lips, he laughed mirthfully (–this is freedom).

 

 

***

 

Jessica thought she deserved peoples’ mercy –mostly she deserved Heechul’s mercy. She was a girl who genuinely thought being trapped in the asylum for seven years was better than the life out there –surely, it was pitiful enough. Surely, she had sacrificed a lot, too many –surely, she deserved to at least have peace within these walls.

 

Surely, Heechul should have pitied her exhausted soul and not come back again.

 

“Oh, you are pitiful, indeed,” Heechul agreed with a laugh. “And yes, my dear, I will always be able to hear your thoughts –your deepest one foremost.”

 

“This is rare,” a feminine voice resonated in Jessica’s private room as the owner walked herself closer. “Why are you covering all the mirrors in the room?” Nana, one of the nurses specifically assigned for Jessica, said as she placed the tray of food on the table. The blonde-haired girl walked towards one (of at least three) mirror in Jessica’s room. Nana had just taken a three-day leave the week before and the first thing she heard once she got back to the office again was that patient in Room No. 304 was throwing actual tantrum for the first time in seven years. “You’ve always had your ways of getting more mirrors in your room, so why are you covering them all now?” Nana asked as she grabbed the white cloth and tried to yank it open.

 

“Don’t pull it!” Jessica screamed from her bed; Nana let go of her grip over the cover immediately, and Heechul’s laughed echoed in the room (no, echoed within her mind –only her mind). Clutching her head vigorously, Jessica sobbed on her bed and begged to Nana. “Don’t pull it. He’ll come out...He’ll come out if you do…”

 

Nana approached the bed and sat beside the mentally-shaken patient. For the past three years being assigned to this room, Nana had thought this was a rather harmless job –as harmless as it could be in an asylum anyway. Patient No. 304 had never showed any real menace, and if anything, it was as if staying in the asylum kept the looney rather calm. Well the requests from this patient had been pretty absurd, but at least Nana knew she would not have to encounter problems like a suicidal or homicidal patient –the worst kind really. But Nana thought that if the job was getting more difficult from now on, she should have gotten a salary raise this year.

 

But capitalistic thought aside, Nana put on a rather commercial smile and calmed her patient. “Who’ll come out?”

 

Jessica stuttered and was about to scream that dreadful devil’s name but –

 

“Yes, Jessica. Say my name. Acknowledge my existence again,” Heechul whispered from behind the covered mirrors.

 

Jessica gulped and forced herself to stay calm. She would not be defeated. She had fought Heechul’s existence for all these years, and she would not let him appear again.

 

You do not exist. I will never let you ruin me, Jessica promised to herself and with that she took a few calming breaths. Nana’s hand on her shoulder helped her relax, and Jessica tried harder. Good, Heechul’s voice was thinning. She could not be defeated.

 

Jessica knew that the reason she had been enrolled into this asylum was due to what she had learned to acknowledge as a dissociative personality disorder. Heechul had been that shadow that latched to her –an existence that should not have existed. Her recovery here had been slow, but she had been calmer here than out there. The doctors were still trying to save the sanity she thought she would permanently have. Various methods, hypnotherapy, chemical medicine… Jessica had tried them all. But at the end of the day, Jessica knew that what could make her recover from this illness, that could get rid of her unwanted alter ego…was herself, her own determination.

 

“Heechul, you do not exist,” Jessica whispered slowly to herself as she closed her eyes.

 

Nana could not hear, but Jessica knew Heechul could. And Heechul was still laughing, but Jessica knew that she was still stronger than Heechul –Jessica promised to be stronger than the monster that tried to take her life away.

 

“I will never leave you, Jessica,” Heechul promised –sweetly, venomously, like a devil who tried to lure her into inferno. “Isn’t that romantic, ?”

 

“Heechul, you do not exist,” Jessica focused her mind and repeated her own encouraging words. She would fight this. If it was not her, who else could fight for her?

 

Heechul still laughed, but his laughter was getting softer, duller. Jessica gritted her teeth and sweats started to form on her temples –but she had to do it. She had to concentrate and finally Heechul’s voice disappeared.

 

Temporarily, –his ghost promised.

 

Opening her eyes again, only then that Jessica realized Nana was looking down at her with a slight panic on her eyes.  Ah, how rare. Usually, Nana was the most opportunistic nurse around here (but at least, there was only Nana. No Heechul). Jessica always thought that Nana’s personality never fitted to be a nurse, and objectively speaking, Nana’s motive was the least genuine one around. Jessica knew the pretty nurse was only there to chase the good-looking doctors, but if there was anything Jessica liked about Nana more than the other stricter nurses was that Nana was always lax on her.

 

“Good timing, Nana,” Jessica said as she wiped the beads of sweat on her forehead. Forcing a weak smile on her face, Jessica extended her hands to Nana. This was her routine, she needed the distraction. Things to keep her happy, to keep her from wallowing in despair. “It’s time for my weekly manicure isn’t it? I want ruby nail polish this week.”

 

***

 

“Did you bring it?” Jessica asked when Nana entered her room again later that week.

 

Begrudgingly, Nana approached Jessica and placed a paper bag on Jessica’s bed. Jessica eagerly fished inside the bag and pulled out a pretty, black cocktail dress and she spread it open for her view. Jessica smiled to herself. Nana might have been a pathetic excuse of a nurse, but at least she had a good fashion sense.

 

“I was supposed to wear it for my date with Jaejoong tonight,” Nana groaned in irritation.

 

Jessica jumped off her bed and rolled her eyes to Nana. “What date? Jaejoong never wanted to have a date with you. You’re just his obsessive stalker. I bet it’s just one of the doctors’ function meeting, and yet you claim it to be a date.”

 

Jessica could hear Nana cursed under her breath, but she knew that there was truth in the words. It was a good thing that Jessica had caught Nana and her rather obsessive adoration to one of the doctors there, Jaejoong, two years prior. Jessica had caught Nana sniffing on Jaejoong’s doctor coat (and who should be the crazy one, hmm?) and ever since, Jessica had given soft threats for Nana to break some of the hospital’s rules for her.

 

Standing on both of her feet, Jessica ed the clip of her hospital gown and let the fabric fell to her feet. Nana groaned at this but she had been Jessica’s ‘bullying victim’ for a while to know what she was expected to do. Still with curses under her breath, Nana picked her own dress and helped Jessica wear it. The little black dress fitted her, although she couldn’t zip it fully.

 

Realizing this, Jessica dreaded. “Z-zip it.”

 

Looking pleased, Nana smiled. “I can’t. It’s stuck. Finally. You’re getting fatter.”

 

The insult, especially coming from Nana, horrified Jessica. Shoving Nana’s hand aside, Jessica hissed, “I’m not! I’m still skinnier than you, !” she insisted as she maneuvered her own arm to her back and tried to zip it up –ignoring Nana’s cry of ‘you’re going to ruin my dress!’. Jessica finally managed to zip it up, with rather difficulty. Nana was probably right, Jessica actually felt she was getting slightly heavier these past few weeks, but Nana did not need to hear that confession from her.

 

“I look better in this dress than you do, anyway,” Jessica reasoned as she felt Nana’s hateful glare on her back

 

Nana chuckled darkly. “No, you don’t. I’m still prettier than you.”

 

Jessica gazed at Nana dangerously. “I know you’re envious of my beauty, but regardless of how you try to make me look uglier, I’m still prettier than you, Plastic Girl,” Jessica triumphantly announced as she brushed her long, brown hair with her other hand. Her hair felt rougher as the days passed. Jessica knew that Nana was jealous of her. Plastic-surgery girl like Nana could never surpass a natural beauty like her. Nana might have deliberately given Jessica detergent-like shampoo that always made her hair had split-ends and forced her to wear oversized hospital gown to unflatter her look, but Jessica knew she was a pretty girl. Prettier than Nana, than anyone, really.

 

“Until when are you going to be satisfied with this?” Nana asked with a rather tired tone to Jessica.

 

With irritation, Jessica challenged Nana back. “Until you realize that whatever you do, I’ll still be prettier than you. Oh, and if you trade my shampoo with that detergent again, I’m going to let Dr. Jaejoong know that you put a tracking device on his phone.”

 

Narrowing her eyes in the utmost irritation, Nana was not to back up without a fight. “If you do that, I’m going to assure the doctors to have your hair cut properly. It’s grown too long, and it’s dull, and ugly anyway,” Nana smirked as she intentionally ran her thin fingers around her pretty, blonde-dyed locks.

 

Jessica’s glare deepened, but she decided to let it pass this time.

 

***

 

Throughout more than seven years of battling with Heechul, Jessica knew that she was not always successful. Generally speaking, the treatment in the asylum had made Jessica stronger and while Heechul’s clear appearance behind the mirror a couple of weeks prior had been for the first time since she remembered, Jessica knew that she was not always able to run away from Heechul.

 

Doctors tried different methods on her –sometimes one method contrasted the other, and Jessica did not always know which method was the right one. Sometimes, Jessica thought that patients here were merely experimental mice –maybe the doctors did not really understand how to cure the patients, and patients were just excuse for a prolonged experiments and research –and that meant more money for the hospital.

 

But Jessica had thought about it for the past few days. If she had (considerably) been successful to win over Heechul these past years, it must have been due to her own effort, due to her own determination.

 

It was scary to face your biggest nightmare, but Jessica knew she could not always run.

 

After wearing Nana’s dress and forcing the blonde-haired nurse to apply some make up on her, Jessica felt like she was getting the courage she needed. Nana had long left her room and the room was dark and silent in the middle of the night. Ghosts came in the darkest corners, but she feared not ghost –she feared Heechul.

 

But I am not weak, Jessica promised herself as she grabbed the white cloth hung over the mirror in the bathroom. Jessica was forbidden to have mirrors in her room (the doctors eventually found out she had sneaked mirrors to her room, and the only mirror she could have now was the one in the bathroom).

 

It was dark, but he was there. Always there.

 

Inside the mirror, Heechul was looking back at her and Jessica nearly trembled in fear. She hated him, she was afraid of him. She was afraid of him her soul, but she had to face this.

 

“Isn’t this a pleasant surprise?” Heechul greeted. “You deliberately confronted me yourself. What’s the matter, Dear? Tired already? Want to give that body to me?”

 

Jessica’s grip on the sink tightened and she felt her shoulders trembled. This was not fair. If Heechul was her alter ego, her reflection, than he should have cowered in fear as much as she did, should have trembled as great as she did.

 

It was getting hot and humid in the bathroom, and Jessica brushed her long, brown hair in frustration. Heechul –the mocking existence that never left her– copied her action, and inside the mirror, Jessica could see that Heechul was brushing his own long hair.

 

“You realize it, don’t you?” Heechul smirked as he grabbed his own hair and caressed it fondly. “No matter how much you try to pamper yourself up, I am still prettier than you,” Heechul smiled. “You blackmail that stupid nurse and always try to show your superiority to me, try to prove that you are more beautiful, that you are strong, but you are not –“

 

“I-I am strong,” Jessica whispered –hating the fact that her tone and volume defied the content of her words.

 

Heechul laughed, but instead of feeling discouraged, his mocking strengthened Jessica’s determination. Closing her eyes momentarily, Jessica took a few calming dress. She had to fight this. She had to show Heechul that she was…

 

“I am strong,” Jessica declared once she opened her eyes again. “Stronger than you. Always stronger than you. I’ve fought for this, Heechul, and you have no right to steal my life.”

 

Anger flicked on Heechul’s eyes –momentarily. The boy gritted his teeth and he closed his eyes again. It was the battle of will. Heechul was strengthening his resolve, and Jessica realized that if Heechul had successfully strengthened himself, he would win. And if he won, he would devour her, her existence, and –

 

The hand behind the mirror reached out to the edge –the firstly clenched knuckles opened and Heechul spoke,  “–and, poof, you’ll be gone,” Heechul finished the feared thoughts in Jessica’s mind. “And I know you can feel it, Jessica. I know you can feel that I’m getting stronger. And when that happens, I’m going to eat you alive, no, I’m going to eat you until you shrink, until you die, until nobody remembers you and your existence will be vain and –“

 

Jessica screamed and swung her arm to the mirror and punched it. Her knuckles bled instantly, and the fractures of the mirror cast an even worse image of Heechul.

 

“That’s not going to make me leave, Jessica.”

 

“H-how could you do this to me?!” Jessica screamed, tears started to dwell on her eyes. This was bad. Nana’s eyeliners were the cheap one and they left ugly smudge on her face. “How dare you steal my existence, how dare you exist?!”

 

“How?” Heechul –seven pieces of Heechul from the broken fractures, they haunted her forever– echoed. With a smile that was almost amiable, almost apologetic, Heechul cooed, “Because you’re blind, Jessica.”

 

She glared at him in ire. Her eyes were wide open and Heechul laughed some more.

 

“I might have been only one of your blind spot,” Heechul continued casually. “You were strong, I gave you that. But soon, I’ll be stronger. You did not want to see me, you refused to acknowledge me. But you’re weakening now, as you should. You’re getting blind now. And my time will come,” Heechul promised.

 

Jessica sobbed. This was not going according to her plan. Was Heechul right? Was she getting weaker? Would all her fights these years be in vain? She thought she was ready to face Heechul, confront her, and declare this war against him. But at the end, he was the one holding the rein.

 

“Ooh, don’t cry, my Dear,” Heechul maniacally chanted as he extended his hand to the other side of his mirror –stopped by the physical piece that always prevented him to fully devour Jessica alive. “At least if no one remembers you anymore, I will always do.”

 

***

 

Her parents were probably too embarrassed to have a mentally-ill child like she was, but at least they were wealthy and they could always afford her the best room here in the asylum. The bathroom was actually usually locked for mentally-ill patients –she was actually not allowed to bathe alone as there might have been damage caused. But Nana was as easy to blackmail as always, and Jessica eventually had the privilege of bathing in the spacious bathroom alone that night.  Jessica submerged herself in the bathtub that night.

 

The bathroom was only lit with two candles and there were rather disturbing shadows reflected on the tiles.

 

But Jessica was never afraid of monsters under the bed, or ghosts around the corner. The water clouded her vision (maybe Heechul was right? She was getting blind?) but she opened them under the water and looked up. It was silent, it was peaceful. She held her breath calmly and enjoyed the feeling, savoring the floating feeling, the stress was pulled off, she was feeling lighter. She nearly felt sleepy, so Jessica closed her eyes.

 

Perhaps if I die, I would be at peace at last?

 

“Then maybe, you should die.”

 

(Rough, manly arms pushed deep into the water –defying the law of science –he, who should not have existed, existed)

 

Jessica frantically opened her eyes and she could see that she was still submerged underwater, and above her…

 

…Heechul –smiling, strong, sadistic Heechul – was hovering above her on the other side of the water –on the upper side of the water. And his arms were choking her –breaking the barrier that should have been there, he should not have been.

 

Oxygen was released forcefully from Jessica’s throat as Heechul’s grip around her neck tightened. She clawed on his arms –it felt real, no –

 

It was real.

 

“You should die,” Heechul chanted from the above of the surface of the water as he gazed down at Jessica. His knees were on the other side of hers on the cold tiles of the bathtub, and he was breathing oxygen, while she could not, and he was alive when she could not –

 

No!

 

Jessica, you are stronger than this!  

 

With a muted scream, Jessica forced herself to get up and broke the surface of the water again. She had to focus, Hechul did not exist –never exist. Strengthening the muscles of her stomach, she pulled herself up –a greedy inhale of oxygen followed afterwards. She coughed fervently, she realized that she was still holding her own neck. Realization struck her.

 

She was the one choking herself.

 

With a crazed laugh she cried. Right, right. Heechul did not exist. Heechul was only part of her imagination, and he was no more than a reflection, a shadow, never a tangible existence. Jessica had to fight harder. Heechul would not exist if she disallowed it. So she had to be stronger, because he was not real –

 

“But I am real,” a masculine voice said in front of her.

 

 Her arms laid limp back to the water with a soft splash, and Jessica stared straight ahead –where there was a pretty, long-haired man whom Jessica would recognize anywhere.

 

“H-Heechul,” she whispered the name with her trembling lips. Jessica gulped and closed her eyes. She opened them.

 

Heechul was not there.

 

She closed her eyes again and opened them for the second time.

 

Now Heechul was back there again.

 

Jessica gritted her teeth as Heechul clapped his hands in mirth. Heechul was playing with her mind; Heechul was joking with her.

 

And it was not funny.

 

At all.

 

“What an ugly face,” he said playfully as he splattered some bath water to her face. “But don’t worry, Jessica. I’ll still play with you until you’re sick of me.”

 

***

 

“…You have more appetite lately,” Nana remarked finally as she walked into Jessica’s room and saw the empty plates.

 

As if she had just realized what she had been doing, Jessica widened her eyes. She should not have eaten more than this –she would be fat, she would be ugly, she would be defeated by Heechul –

 

“H-hey, don’t do that!” Nana yelped as she pulled Jessica’s finger before Jessica could choke herself and vomit what she had eaten. Nana was with two male nurses that day, and the three of them quickly yanked Jessica’s arm away from herself.

 

Jessica cried. This morning she realized that there were more hairs falling off when she was washing it. The stress of confronting Heechul might have affected something within her –not only mentally, but also physically. She was tired. Heechul kept his promise of playing with her. His existence was getting stronger –most of the time, he was no more than a faint existence behind the mirror, but over the past few weeks, when she was weak and he was strong, he would materialize in front of her, and never left her. Mocked her. Drove her crazy.

 

It was his way of killing her.

 

Heechul never left her, what if she was truly eaten by Heechul? What if her alter ego won and Heechul would fully erase her existence, what would be of her?

 

No longer resisting, Jessica only bury her face on her palms and cried. She was getting insane. She was already insane, but Heechul was worsening her condition. She wanted to live, but she did not know how and if Heechul was lurking at the corner of her minds –always, waiting for the right opportunity – and if he was successful, she would die and she would perish, and…what would be left of her?

 

“W-what should I do?” Jessica broke. “He’s getting stronger. W-what should I do?”

 

Nana usually did not really pay heed to Jessica’s wellbeing, and perhaps Nana was not really qualified to say an advice to a mentally-ill patient –wrong words would be fatal, but Nana was careless anyway.

 

“Make peace with your other self,” Nana told her casually –she earned herself immediate glare from the other two male nurses (but both of them were her junior, and dared not to defy her). “No, make peace with yourself. That’s the only way you could be free.”

 

***

 

For the past six months of Heechul haunting her, Jessica had learned some things: Heechul would not leave if she screamed; Heechul would not leave is she cried; Heechul would not leave if she broke the mirror; Heechul would not leave if she challenged him; Heechul would not leave if she was angry…

 

Taking Nana’s advice could be fatal, but Jessica was a the point of near utmost defeat, and she thought she had no ammunition left anyway.

 

Would Heechul leave if she gave up?

 

“You should cut your hair,” Heechul said as he brushed Jessica’s hair. “Look, they are damaged and you are ugly as ,” Heechul mocked as per usual.

 

Jessica closed her eyes and opened them blankly to stare at the mirror –there was her face now in the mirror, but behind her, was Heechul too –and it was reflected in the mirror as well. This was crazy. Her alter ego was materializing more and more, but it had never been sane in the first place anyway. Jessica knew that technically speaking, Heechul materialized because she unintentionally let him affect her. He was demanding her to acknowledge his existence with all these pestering and hauntings.

 

She weakly pulled strands of her hair from Heechul’s grasp and examined the worsening split ends. “I look best in long hair, but maybe you’re right.” she replied –and she swore she nearly saw Heechul flinch at how casual she spoke. She would not think of defying Heechul, she was only trying to go with the flow. “I do need a haircut, but if I let Nana do it, she’d ruin it for sure. That girl wants to make me look ugly.”

 

Heechul’s hand stopped brushing Jessica’s hair and there was a look of discomfort on his face.

 

Jessica noticed this, and she looked up to Heechul who was standing behind her. He had not said a word, and Jessica tried to push her strategy more.

 

She sighed and leaned back to Heechul.

 

The look on Heechul’s face had been rather priceless when Jessica leaned to him.

 

“Aren’t you tired of this, Heechul?” Jessica asked.

 

“…What?” he replied slowly –a hit of smugness still existed, but Jessica knew that her actions confused him.

 

And the more he did not expect it, the better it would be for her.

 

“These fights,” Jessica said slowly. “Aren’t you tired?”

 

His jaw clenched, and Jessica thought that there was almost a betrayed expression on his face. “I will continue to fight this until you die, Jessica,” he hissed. “I will not let you win and I will not –“

 

“Can’t we just co-exist?” Jessica asked.

 

Heechul’s stare hardened, and his hands almost felt as real as ever when he was trying to choke her again. He was mad at her –even madder than usual. Her neck hurt, and Heechul’s grip on her neck really felt real (perhaps it was real? No, no, don’t get swayed, Jessica). Strengthening her resolve, Jessica braced herself and placed her hands over Heechul’s hands.

 

But instead of clawing them like usual, she gently held them.

 

“Let’s co-exist together, Heechul.”

 

At those words, Heechul immediately released his grip around Jessica’s neck. He stared at the mirror and he realized that Jessica was staring at it as well. And there was the image of them: her sitting, and him standing behind her. They did not have to fight for place, they could share, they could exist together –

 

–like hell they could.

 

Heechul’s eyes coldened. Gone was his playful mockery, what was there was only ire, anger that never died down, hatred that ran deep, so deep.

 

With gritted teeth, he hissed. “We can’t co-exist together, Jessica. You know we can’t and that’s not the way it works. There’s only going to be one survivor between us. If it’s not you, it’s me. If it’s not me, it’s you and –“

 

“But you told me,” Jessica interrupted softly. “You told me that you are me, and I am you.”

 

Heechul laughed, but it was not his usual mad, maniacal laugh. Jessica could almost hear him sob in between his laughter. It was pathetic, Heechul was pathetic, and Jessica knew it was ironic that she knew she was pathetic as well and they were both pathetic together. She was still keen on winning against Heechul –even when using dirty trick like this on him. But for the briefest moment, she thought that she could genuinely sympathize with Heechul and actually felt that maybe it was the same: he was as tired as she was, he was as crazy as she was, he was as dead as she was, and he was as alive as she was.

 

They had coexisted together all these time after all.

 

But existence remained one, and Heechul was right –there was only going to be one victor.

 

Regardless of her earlier motive, for the briefest moment, just for the briefest moment, Jessica genuinely wondered why there could only be one victor.

 

***

 

“You no longer need to paint my nails again,” Jessica told Nana when the latter was opening the nail polish cap.

 

Nana widened her eyes, as if she could hardly believe what she just heard. For the past years, Jessica had been insistent in forcing Nana do all these stuffs for her. “Whoa. What happened?”

 

Jessica shrugged. “I’m just following your advice.”

 

Nana frowned. “My advice?”

 

“I try to make peace with him, with myself,” Jessica said slowly. “Tolerance,” she concluded after a long while. “I think that’s the key.”

 

Nana took a step back. “Er… I didn’t even remember what I was saying, actually. Perhaps you really shouldn’t follow my advice, I was never qualified to give you any suggestion, a-and…” Nana declared. “I-I’ll go get the doctor.” Nana stammered as she ran towards the door. It had been a rather thoughtless blurb –whatever was it that the patient said Nana said. She was probably saying whatever it was without thinking about it much, and as irresponsible as Nana was as a nurse, she still realized the dire consequence of giving a rather ambiguous advice to a mentally-ill patient –it could backstab, it could ruin the mental therapy progress, and it would be fatal any other day to do that.

 

Jessica could care less. Perhaps following Nana’s thoughtless advice would ruin her more –but then again, what was the worst mental damage that could be done to an already mentally-damaged person anyway?

 

***

 

“Would you miss me if, say, if, you win, and I disappear?” Jessica whispered when she laid on her bed.

 

She opened her eyes and saw that Heechul was becoming more and more of human than ever –and to her, him materializing into a more tangible existence was like his existence as her ghost becoming more ascertained. Heechul had been silent, but he had been there, always. He was sitting by the window, gazing at the starless sky.

 

Jessica realized that he had been rather quiet lately. His hostility ceased a great deal, but the fact that he appeared more often and realer each and every time, actually was the worst kind of hostility he could inflict on her.

 

When she thought he would not reply to her question, Heechul proved her otherwise. Without averting his gaze from the view outside, he replied, “Of course not. I will be happy if you disappear. I will probably even hold a celebratory party for that.”

 

“You have no friends to celebrate with,” Jessica pointed out.

 

“That doesn’t matter,” Hechul replied. “You’d be gone, and that’s a celebration on its own.” He quieted down again after that, and Jessica was almost fluttering her eyes close again (it was rather peaceful these days, really) when Heechul spoke.

 

“What about you?” he asked. “If, say, you win and I disappear, would you miss me?”

 

Jessica chuckled. “Are you even that selfish to think that I’d miss you if you don’t miss me?”

 

Heechul shrugged, with a barest hint of smile that Jessica could never catch. “Selfishness is the core of our fight, anyway, Jessica. We both are fighting for ourselves, of course, we are both selfish.”

 

“I don’t think I’m selfish,” she replied.

 

“How arrogant. Of course you’re selfish as well.”

 

“I think…” Jessica pondered. “If we both are selfish, then the other will not exist in the first place. The fact that we both exist at this moment, it’s a proof that we are actually not selfish. We give chance for each other to exist.”

 

Jessica did not hear Heechul’s comment after that. When she opened her eyes again, the window was vacant again.

 

***

 

It was not that Jessica was particularly giving up. Her fights with Heechul continued, but they were subtle –and sometimes they extended nothing more than verbal banters about the most insignificant things. No material stuffs about existence and whatsnot. No longer was there any hard question or soul-shattering query. Sometimes she and Heechul would just argue of what hairstyle would suit Jessica (him, he insisted) best, but most of the times, she realized that other than questions on existence, there was not much to battle about because Heechul and her shared a lot of same viewpoints.

 

They both thought that Nana was the most obnoxious person in the hospital, but could be rather cute at times. They both agreed that the hospital food was bland but the menu on Wednesday and Friday were always the best. Sometimes Jessica was starting to think like Heechul, and Heechul was starting to think like her.

 

She thought it funny how this progress. Patients with dissociative personality disorder was not even supposed to be aware of the other personality’s existence. Maybe the doctors gave them a wrong diagnostic –maybe they were crazy, but a different kind of crazy.

 

“Perhaps I was right,” Jessica told him one day. “Perhaps we’re starting to…you know, assimilate or some sort. Perhaps, we can actually co-exist together.”

 

Heechul shook his head. “Conceptually, that’s impossible. If we co-exist, then both of our existence will actually disappear. There will be a completely different personality, and I do not want that. You alone is more than handful, Jessica.”

 

She actually had the audacity to laugh at that –but it was no longer a cynical laughter.

 

Heechul stared at her and said, so softly, almost to himself. “You alone is enough, Jessica.”

 

He might have whispered it, but their minds were connected in an inexplicable manner, and she heard him –always heard him.

 

“I actually agree, Heechul,” Jessica said, “Two of us like this is enough.”

 

***

 

It was not always smooth –the connection she had with Heechul, and Heechul had with her. Despite the mutual yet silent agreement to tolerate each other, sometimes ego still existed –sometimes, when one was unstable, she or he would try to take back what they thought belonged to them. Sometimes Heechul was stronger than Jessica, sometimes Jessica was stronger than Heechul. Sometimes she still tried to kill his existence, sometimes he still tried to kill her existence.

 

But they always stopped before it could happen. There was this understanding, always, had always been there. Nobody could kill the other. Not only that it was physically impossible (they only had one vessel –both realized that harming the physical body would not do them a complete victory, if there was a victory to begin with), but it started to feel like killing the other would be suicidal.

 

Jessica had been the stronger one that night –she was strangling him on the bed, her hands were clasped around his neck but Heechul only stared at her, silently and that night they realized it.

 

“We could never kill each other, Jessica.”

 

Her smile was thin, bare, but accepting.

 

“I know.”

 

“Technically there would always still be a dominant one,” Heechul told her. “But it’s impossible to get rid of you, ,” he said –almost fondly, as he reached out to touch her cheek.

 

The gesture that had been morbid for her a year ago started to be acceptable. She actually leaned her cheek onto his palm. “You do not exist,” she still whispered.

 

“If I do not exist, then you do not exist as well, Stupid.”

 

“You’re the stupid one,” she said with a laugh, as she dropped herself to the bed, beside him, and closed her eyes. “But if I win, I think I’m going to miss you.”

 

***

 

That day had been ordinary. Jessica woke up earlier –but she would always wake up early, because Nana was lazy and she would not have appeared even when it was nine in the morning, while the nurse was supposed to check her patient at seven in the morning.

 

The windows were closed and the curtains still disallowed the lights to enter the room. It had been a rather dark, foggy morning after all. The tiles were cold and Jessica walked to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror again. Heechul was not with there, and the one that greeted her reflection was not Heechul’s face.

 

Jessica opened the mirror cabinet and pulled out an object that had been sealed there since forever.

 

A scissor.

 

She stared at her own reflection –a pretty girl with long, brown hair (damaged due to Nana’s shampoo still) and pretty feature. Her hair was long and both Heechul and Nana were right –it had been kind of hideous on her.

 

“Well, this is for you, Bastard,” Jessica told her own reflection and cut her own hair short.   

 

That morning, that ordinary morning, Jessica decided that she did not want to win.

 

And that morning, that ordinary morning, Heechul looked up to his reflection on the mirror and saw his own reflection smiling back at him. The smirk widened.

 

You fool.

 

***

 

They officially released him from the asylum one year later, with conditions that he was to still be supervised for the next one month, that he needed to have a consultation with the psychiatrist at least once a month, and that he had to take medicines on a daily basis. The precaution taken had been rather mild –considering that Kim Heechul had been a chronic patient for more than eight years. When one day he declared that he had won the battle against himself (against his monster), none believed him (they all couldn’t help but to be at the very least surprised at the sight of his short, manly-cut hair though).

 

Procedures were procedures. Asylum was used of mentally-ill patient declaring their sanity. But after another year examining him, they found no wrong brain signals, no alarming behavior, and eventually, they had no other choice but to release Patient No. 304, Kim Heechul, who had suffered for the past eight years for the creation of an alter ego named Jessica Jung.

 

The speculations behind the creation of a female alter ego within a healthy male body were plenty –but in his hospital record, Kim Heechul had been recorded to have shown early signs of DID ever since he was a child.  The early diagnosis had been gender dysphoria, as a young Kim Heechul –born and physically was a male– often became too feminine, often chose dresses over male clothing. At his late teenage years, a year before he was admitted to the asylum, the diagnosis showed that rather than a gender dysphoria, it was a personality named Jessica Jung which was believed to exist within him. And for the past eight years in the asylum, Jessica Jung’s ego had been the more dominant one –Kim Heechul’s ego had only been awakened at the later years. The last year in the asylum had been the most critical one for Jessica Jung’s personality ego, and the one where Kim Heechul’s ego showed the greatest development to be reawakened –to fully claim his body back.

 

And that was all to it.

 

Heechul lifted his shoulder bag and hovered it over his shoulder (easy and light –his muscles were that of a man, and he was one). He, himself, had never had many personal belongings. The girl dresses and makeups his other self, Jessica Jung, secretly ordered online had been left in the asylum.

 

And he left the rest behind.

 

“I’m going to miss you.”

 

Heechul stopped walking through the corridor and looked behind slightly, where his personal nurse for the past few years, stood. The wording was similar, almost familiar –but he knew that the one whom he had heard it from no longer (never) existed.

 

“Nana,” Heechul said with a snicker. “Isn’t that Jaejoong’s room? What are you doing in his absence?” he pointed out at the fact that the irresponsible nurse was probably trying to steal some of her crush’s belonging again.

 

Laughing lightly, Nana walked towards the man who had blackmailed her to polish his nails and get some girly dresses for him. “That’s none of your business, Patient No. 304.”

 

“I’m no longer a patient,” Heechul pointed out with a shrug. “I’ve won my battle, Nana.”

 

Nana smiled. “You’re happy?”

 

“Of course,” Heechul sighed. It had been hard in the early months of adjustment of the reawakening of his actual self, but now he thought he had gained full control over himself.

 

He existed. Kim Heechul existed.

 

(Even when he had to betray and kill another existence?)

 

(No, Jessica chose to die for me. I did not kill Jessica myself. Don’t take me for a murderer)

 

“Well, 304, visit me for tea sometimes. I could –“

 

“I have a name,” Heechul said as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and waited for Nana –who only chuckled and shrugged.

 

“Last time I called your real name, you splashed a full glass of water onto my face. Oh, the drama with her back then,” Nana, insensitive and inappropriate, and always so, recalled.

 

“Call my name now, Nana,” Heechul repeated.

 

Nana stared at the man, now with short hair and normal male clothing, speaking no longer in pitched voice, though his voice remained airy still.

 

“Kim Heechul,” Nana said. “You are Kim Heechul.”

 

Sometimes it baffled him that it was not the doctors whom he felt the most grateful for. Sometimes, he had the gratitude foremost to one irresponsible, pretentious nurse who probably did not care about her patients as much as she cared about her stilettos.

 

“Thank you, Nana,” Heechul genuinely expressed. “You may be the worst nurse ever, but I’m going to miss you. All of ‘Jessica’s dresses are yours, by the way.”

 

“I plan to have them even without your approval,” laughed Nana as she grabbed Heechul’s hand and gave him a nail polish. “I’m not supposed to give a recovered patient this item, but I trust you are fine now. And I really will miss polishing your nails. So…” she shrugged.

 

Heechul glanced at the nail polish –dark maroon, like blood, a classy color that Jessica would have loved. Keeping an item that reminded him of her might endanger his mind a while ago, but now that she was gone, that did not really matter.

 

He had promised to remember her once in a while, after all.

 

Looking at Nana again, a soft smile widened on his lips.

 

“Thank you.”

 

***

 

The last time he visited his own room was probably nearly nine years ago –so he had expected a lot of changes. And there had been. No longer was it a girl-themed bedroom with feminine-chic furniture –what was there was only a plain and soulless bed room.

 

“Y-you don’t like it?” Heechul could hear his mother squeaked behind him. “W-we throw your, ah, her, belongings a year after we sent you to the asylum.”

 

The mother that was foreign, the room that was foreign, but this was part of recovery, part of adjustment. He just had to get used to all these.

 

“Well, I’ll need some furniture, but there’s a bed, and that’s the basic necessity anyway.”

 

“I-I see,” his mother fidgeted and still clenched both her hands and kept them close to her chest.

 

Those arms which never truly embraced her son.

 

Heechul pitied his mother and wanted to save her from the awkwardness of having to deal with a son she had not seen for nearly nine years. Ha, he did not know that he was actually quite considerate. “I’m kind of tired, Mother. Mind if I sleep alone?”

 

“Ah, no! Sure! Sure!” the mother exclaimed, a little too relieved, a little too happy –Heechul had enough of lies and masks and reflections that did not show what was the actual self, but at such times, even he hoped her mother would feign her fear of him more.

 

He closed the door soon after and dropped his bag to the floor. The bed looked inviting, but Heechul knew he still had one thing to make sure of.

 

Taking a deep breath, Heechul walked towards a simple mirror placed in his room.

 

Whose reflection would you see this time, boy?

 

He felt foolish having to close his eyes. Ever since that morning, that ordinary morning a year prior, Jessica never appeared again. Jessica had died and no matter how many times he gawked at the mirror, the reflection remained him. But that was in the asylum, would it be that way in his home too?

 

He opened one eye, slowly, narrowly –he could not see, he forgot his left eye was kind of near-sighted. So he opened his both of his eyes.

 

An image of a young boy in his late twenties, rather feminine, but a boy still.

 

Kim Heechul still.

 

He bit his lips, stifling a laughter.

 

He won! He actually won. He felt slightly bad that Jessica had to sacrifice herself for him, but hey, she had taken over his body for the past eight years. He was not in the position to pity her. It was not a betrayal, he reminded the smallest part of his heart –the guilt was out of place, and must be crushed. If Jessica softened up towards him, that was her own foolishness.

 

Heechul sat down on the chair in front of the mirror. Something was poking his hip rather uncomfortably, and he dug his jeans’ pocket trying to take out whatever was it that he kept there.

 

A nail polish –Nana’s farewell gift.

 

He looked at the maroon nail polish and glanced back at the mirror again. It was a funny image to see a boy holding a nail polish that way, but if he could pity Jessica slightly, then maybe he would allow this thing to stay as a commemoration of Jessica –after all, she died for him, as much as Heechul hated her, he was not that heartless.

 

He placed the nail polish on the table.

 

One second.

 

He grabbed the nail polish back.

 

Two second.

 

He applied it on his pinky finger –out of joke, men could wear nail polish and still sane, and besides, it did look good on him.

 

He lifted his colored pinky finger and showed it to the reflection.

 

To her reflection.

 

On the other side of the mirror, was not a reflection of a young, short-haired man with pale feature. On the other side of the mirror was her–an existence, a reflection that should not have been there, smirking mockingly at his direction from within her glass cage.

 

“Thought you’d seen the last of me, Heechul?”

 

Heechul laughed at the reflection (your ghost is your blind spot. You could not see her at first, but soon she would blind you), and it was probably blurry –maybe Jessica was ugly, maybe he was crying. Ah no, men did not cry. Heechul did not cry. So was he? Angry tears, desperate tears silently flowed from his dark brown eyes. The years, his efforts, his sacrifice… she should have disappeared, and he should have been freed…

 

“Tsk, tsk. Still as ugly as I remember. That nail polish looks better on me.”

 

“W-why…” Heechul weakly muttered at the figure on the other side of the mirror. “Jessica, why?” he hissed the cursed name, his very own ghost.

 

“Why? Because I am you and you are me,” the girl in the mirror responded, with the utmost satisfied grin on her face.

 

Heechul cried, but he smiled. But he cried, but he probably did not cry (he couldn’t even see his own reflection, so how could he be so sure that he was crying?).

 

Jessica smirked as she laid her chin on her palm and reminded him. “Isn’t the two of us enough? Like you promised?”

 

Heechul brushed his hand over his hair –his short hair, which he knew he would have to grow long again now, because Jessica loved long hair. He inhaled a deep breath and forced a smile on his face. Because this was the cycle that neither could break, and it would always be that way, until the end of time.

 

“Of course, ,” he muttered and the tears hid his blind spot again.

 

---

Together, Heechul?

 

Forever, Jessica.

---

 

The End

 

 

It’s weird and my writing has deteriorated, . Still need to get this one out though, before I'm back to my hibernating mode again (because Heesica goddamnit i love you guys so much still).