Life is something hard. I never expected to go through all these hardships in life. I had just found out that I was adopted. I wasn’t one of those ungrateful kids that would reject the people that had taken care of me all those years and start searching for my real parents, the one that have abandoned me. I’m the opposite, but I was feeling bad because my biological parents had decided to throw me away. I was just wondering why, what have I done to deserve this from them. 

As I was having these kinds of thoughts again while walking down the corridor of the college, I bumped into someone. I immediately bowed and apologized. And then, then I looked at who I bumped into, my heart stopped beating. It was the guy I have been looking at for the past one month in the cafeteria. He was so beautiful and handsome and gracious, just like a roman god.  I hardly remember what I did back then because my mind went blank.

During the lecture, all I could think about was the way our eyes met for a split second. I was so happy to have finally heard his voice. It was music for my ears. He finally knows that I exist, I wonder…will we greet from now on when we meet somewhere?  Oh, I’m so stupid, we just bumped into each other, of course we won’t greet it’s not like we know each other.

And ever since this happened, I never stopped drawing him. No matter what the theme was, I was always drawing him. And then, one day a miracle happened- while I was in the park of the university and was drawing something random for a start, he came and talked to me. And I thought I’d die from happiness. His name was Kim Jong In. What a beautiful name, just like his owner.

Soon after we became friends and we were hanging out together. It was so fun when I was with him. And he was such an amazing dancer. So gracious yet sharp when needed. How could there be such a perfect person in this planet, moreover how come I know such a perfect person. Whenever I was with him I was so happy that my worries were vanishing every single time I look at his face and see his smile.

We were getting really close and… I was having my hopes up. He even wanted to meet me with his best friend, which meant that he trusted me and that he wanted to introduce me to someone as important as his best friend. I was so nervous. It was like meeting his other family. When we entered the café, I saw Lee Taemin!! I couldn’t believe that!! And he was the friend I was supposed to meet!!! Oh, the pressure was now bigger. We greeted each other, introduced ourselves and shook hands. Ad first I was really shy to talk freely but Taemin was so open and cheerful that not long after I gave in and we were chatting like we knew each other for years. It was so fun. I never knew we had so much on common.

After that we exchanged numbers and started meeting very often. It was really funny being around Taemin. I wanted Jong In to be with us too, but Taemin was always saying that he was busy because he was preparing for their debut. I didn’t want to be a bother so I never insisted.

One time when we were going to a new amusement park Jong In came with us too. I was so happy that he came. I wanted to go on all the rides with him and show him how cool and funny they are. But in the end me and Taemin ended up sitting next to each other as we were too enthusiastic about the rides. Jong In was just standing behind us. He looked really uninterested and tired. I was worried about him but he said that he was fine, so I didn’t ask anymore as he didn’t seem to want to talk about it.

Not long after Taemin asked me to be his girlfriend. Oh he was so cute then he was confessing. I melted. But, there was something bothering me. My heart wasn’t beating for him, but for someone else. I gave it a though. Jong In and Taemin are best friends and they are sharing with each other everything. So if Taemin is asking me to be his girlfriend, then Jong in knows about Taemin’s feelings and is ok with it, which means he likes me only as a friend and nothing more.

Considering this fact, I agreed and Taemin’s face was shining like the sun. it’s not like I can be for a long time with a celebrity. I’m sure that we won’t last more than 6 months. But I’ll still give it a try.

I was kind of shocked to understand that Jong In didn’t had an idea about Taemin’s feelings for me. So…once again I made the wrong decision… but he was happy for us and congratulated us.

Time passed so fast. Me and Taemin were still dating. One day he proposed me. I was so shocked. I wasn’t expecting this. But…there wasn’t a reason for me to say “no”…if I said “no” then I had to tell the reason…and the reason was that I wasn’t in love with Taemin…but then…if I didn’t love him then why have I been with him for all those years? It was only logical to say “yes” and by hearing this short word he was so happy. I just can’t explain it with words.

We told Jong In about the good news and once again he congratulated us. I was disappointed that not even once he showed interest in me. Actually I was hoping for him to say not to marry Taemin and to be with him instead of Taemin but this didn’t happen.

The day of the wedding came and Jong In was even the best man and as the pries asked if there was anyone against this marriage to speak now, I was hoping that Jong In will say that he loves me, but he never did. And this was the day I had to forget my feelings for him and learn how to love Taemin as he is a person that deserves a loving wife.

Not long after I got pregnant and was waiting for Taemin’s child. He asked me whether I agree to name the baby Jong In if it was a boy. I was happy to hear this coming from Taemin. Of course I wanted. I hope it is a boy. And that it will became just like the person that is named after.

Even thought I am living a life that many would be envious, I wasn’t that happy, because I wasn’t with the one I love. There is one thing I regret the most – not telling Jong In about my feelings. Up till now I am still wondering if I was going to live a different life if I had confessed my feelings to him.

Taemin-ah, I’m sorry for being with you when I don’t share the same feelings as you. I am sorry for lying to you. Jong In-ssi, I am sorry for not telling you how I feel. I am sorry for not showing my love to you. My future child, I am sorry that you have a mother like me. I am sorry that you will grow up in a family without love…