A/N: Another update in just five days? More likely than you think. Okay. I'm kidding. But perhaps the gloomy weather over here has given me an extra strong push to write so let's start! We're going to the dramatic parts and the darker side of Nayoung now. I've used a lot of reference for this one so lemme just lay down the foundation. Themes from this update were derived from an old English folk song called "Scarborough Fair". Click the link to listen to it, it's kind of important. The song's of way, way back and tbh, I'm only familiar with Simon and Garfunkel's version and the one on the link but I did some research. The lyrics of the song suggest a story line between two people (let's say, A and B) and a mediator. A asks the mediator if they're going to Scarborough Fair and tells them to relay a message to B who lives there. The next versse go on with an exchange of messages between A and B, still relayed through the mediator, asking for tasks that are pretty much impossible to do but if done, A would become B's lover. I guess I was just very fascinated with the tune and the hidden meanings of parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (which you'll know once you read through the chapter). Well, that's pretty much it.    

Word count: 3,341 words

TRIGGER WARNING: There are strong implications of over-the-counter drug abuse. Also, there's a bit of heat in the moment violence towards the end, just some pushing and light hitting but still, you've been warned. (I didn't change the font color of the notes because it's important that y'all read it!) 

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The sun shines brightly outside the window and it seeps through the thin curtains of Nayoung’s bedroom. If she were to forecast the weather, she would go with sunny, low percent chances of rain, maybe just slightly cloudy and low relative humidity? It could be the perfect weather. Birds perched on the balcony sing in agreement with Nayoung’s thought but why does it feel like she’s about to be sentenced to death? Suffice to say, the morning after brings a different sort of calm for Nayoung. A calm that brings with it anxiety and not peace. It’s the calm before the storm.

Jieqiong lies on her side so she’s facing her. She sleeps peacefully, like nothing could go wrong for her and Nayoung finds herself sighing. She hates that she’s going to be responsible for tears that will be shed by those eyes, for frowns that will graze those lips. If only she could make Jieqiong understand without having to tell her. If only they could avoid it. If only they could spare themselves both from the pain of what’s to happen.

Jieqiong’s eyes flutter open and it takes her only a second to flash the world’s most beautiful smile at her. Nayoung’s heart breaks at the thought that this would be one of the last times she’d get to see it.

“Good morning.” Jieqiong greets her.

“Good morning.” Nayoung’s not sure if she really said those words because she’s starting to feel like she’s not really there. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. “How are you feeling? Nervous?”

“Mhmm. A little. But I’ll have you with me later so I’ll be fine.” Jieqiong says, confident.

Nayoung smiles then clears before she could get lost in thought. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“Do you even have to ask? I want pancakes!” She exclaims, fists raised in the air.

“Again?” Nayoung chuckles and Jieqiong nods eagerly.

She makes to get up and go to the kitchen but Jieqiong catches her by the wrist, pulls her down just a little bit and reaches up to her to give her a kiss on the cheek. The warmth her lips leave lingers and Nayoung just savors it for a good moment before she asks.

“What’s that for?”

“Good luck for later.” She says, all smiles as she jumps off the bed.

Nayoung takes another moment to just watch Jieqiong bustle around the room, pulling out clothes from her closet and holding it against herself as she stands in front of the mirror. Time is running out for them. She has to tell her soon and she knows it’s sooner than she wants it to be.

“Nayoungie?” She snaps out of her reverie to find Jieqiong looking at her expectantly.

“What?”

“I asked what you think of this outfit?” Jieqiong gestures to the silky black Cheongsam she’s holding.

“Beautiful. It’ll look great on you.” Nayoung says, truly meaning it.

“You think so?” Jieqiong asks, tentatively.

“I know so.” Nayoung smiles and Jieqiong smiles back at her.

&&

Even with Jieqiong’s performance later, it’s still one of those Saturdays when Nayoung has to go to work. Minkyung switched shifts with one of the newbies so she won’t be around today. Nayoung’s not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Yes, she’d rather not be around her teasing but she kind of needs the emotional support right now. Not that she’d fess up to the younger girl about her situation (because that totally blew up in her face with Chungha and now, her best friend doesn’t even want to talk to her) but it would be nice to have a friend around.

A sigh escapes without her even knowing and Seungcheol’s head appears at the top of her cubicle wall.

“Are you okay? You keep on sighing.” He looks at her with a worried look. They’ve always been kind of friendly and he probably feels grateful about the whole wingwoman thing.

Nayoung’s hand automatically comes up to massage her temples. “I just didn’t get enough sleep last night. That’s all.”

“Have you not been getting enough sleep for weeks now? Because it kinda looks like that.” Seungcheol leans closer to the wall.

Nayoung pauses from reading through her emails to shoot him a glare.

“Hey, I’m just saying.” He puts his hands up in surrender. “And really, bud, I’m concerned.”

Seungcheol points a finger at the Excedrin bottle on top of Nayoung’s desk before continuing.

“That stuff has caffeine and could be one of the reasons why you’re not sleeping well. You’ve been chucking it like candy, too so if it’s not working on your migraines anymore, you should see your doctor and get a new prescription.” He sounds genuinely concerned so Nayoung purses her lips, not really having any reason to argue.

Jonghyun suddenly pops up from the cubicle on the other side. “What are you guys talking about?”

“Nothing.” Nayoung slides the medicine bottle off the desk and into her open drawer, shutting it quickly.

“Im’s having trouble sleeping and I think it’s because of the meds she takes.” Seungcheol replies and Nayoung wants to strangle him.

“Meds? What meds?” Jonghyun presses on.

“Excedrin for migraine.” Defeated, Nayoung just deadpans.

“Oh, that’s acetaminophen with aspirin and caffeine, right?” Jonghyun mutters. “Hey, did you know? I was reading this article last night about painkillers with acetaminophen working on emotional stress.”

Nayoung becomes quiet, starts clicking her mouse aggressively but neither of her two co-workers notice.

“Yeah?” Seungcheol says in a mild tone of intrigue.

“Yeah. Apparently, researchers found out that emotional pain and physical pain are somewhat intertwined. Like when you’re stressing about a job interview and your stomach hurts.” Jonghyun says.

“But how do the painkillers get rid of the emotional stress?”

“More research is required for it to be explained but they found out through their experiments that people who took acetaminophen exhibited less brain activities in regions associated with emotional feelings. It’s great news, I guess, but in the end drug abuse is still drug abuse.” He shrugs his shoulders.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right but that really is interesting, huh?” Seungcheol mutters. “Well, it’s not like Nayoung would relate to that! She has such an amazing girlfriend who won’t put her through emotional stress. Right, Nayoung?”

Nayoung gives Seungcheol a stiff nod and a small smile just in time.

Jonghyun nods in agreement too. “Yeah, lucky for Nayoung. I just thought it’s a cool trivia to share. Anyway, I’m off to demo duty.” He picks up a box of demo materials from his table and shoots them both a smile.

“Actually, I gotta get me some coffee. Let’s head down together.” Seungcheol rummages around for his wallet and then looks to Nayoung again. “Aren’t you going to check on your kids? You know, Siyeon’s been getting a little curious about something lately.”

“Yeah, I was just about to. Don’t worry. I’ll talk to her” Nayoung gets to her feet and walks off, doesn’t bother waiting for Seungcheol or Jonghyun. When they call for her, she pretends not to hear them.

&&

Nayoung had not realized that Jieqiong’s invitation was exclusive to her until they get to the venue. It probably was a good idea not to invite their friends because they can be a handful at times but she still thought that Yebin and Minkyung, at the very least, would be with them. Then again, Yebin is prone to making a fuss and getting all stage mother-ish to Jieqiong so that’s probably why.

Expensively dressed people walk on the marble flooring, flashing tickets and invites to the ushers and talking loudly of stock and property values. Nayoung sees gold and diamonds sparkling every way she turns and realizes that she’s getting a glimpse of Jieqiong’s world.

It doesn’t take long before Jieqiong is herded off by the staff to the waiting rooms and Nayoung is led to a VIP seat close to the stage. She’s grateful that the seats next to her are unoccupied. She’s not really in the mood for any socializing. The same calm from this morning brews in the air, stirring a feeling of dread in her stomach. Something’s going to happen tonight. She can feel it in her bones.

The lights turn off and the curtains pull back dramatically. The show starts with an opening act of a couple of songs from another one of Jieqiong’s teacher’s former student. Nayoung has a copy of the lineup and she knows Jieqiong will be up next so she patiently sits through the performance, claps politely along with the audience when it ends.

The lights turn off again. This time, Nayoung closes her eyes and counts to ten before she opens her eyes, to allow herself to adjust to the darkness. Not long after, however, the spotlight shines on the next performer. Elegant, stunning, and just beautiful, Zhou Jieqiong. All eyes are on her and the room waits in bated breath at the ethereal beauty in front of them, cradling her pipa in her lap, its neck over her shoulder, her fingers poised above the strings.

With the sad notes the emanates from the plucking of her strings, the audience is pulled deeper into her trance. She plays through the first song perfectly (it’s a traditional Chinese song) and then transitions smoothly to the next one (a composition of Jieqiong’s which was inspired by an old English folk song) .

Nayoung watches closely, her ears attentive. The lyrics of the song where Jieqiong drew inspiration from come to her mind. As the familiar, yet also new, whimsical melody resonates all over the theater,it reverberates deeply through Nayoung’s heart, through her very bones. She has heard Jieqiong practice this song a hundred times over the past week but she is blown away still.

Maybe it’s the song or it’s seeing Jieqiong with her eyes closed, playing her heart out that gets to Nayoung. Her heart stops beating in her chest in a moment of epiphany and she finally comes to terms with everything. The reason why she wants Jieqiong to be happy is no longer because she feels for her. It’s a question she had been asking herself since the beginning and she tried to convince herself that it was because of sympathy, because she knows how it feels and she doesn’t want JIeqiong, or anyone else, to feel that way. No, it isn’t that. She wants her to be happy because... she’s madly, deeply in love with her.

The air gets out of her lungs and she’s left almost gasping in her seat at the cruel reality that remains. No matter which way she looks at it, she can’t ever have her. For the sake of Jieqiong’s well-being, it’s better that they part.

It’s better that we part. It’s better that we part. It’s better that we part. She repeats in her head, hoping that it’ll help (it doesn’t).

When the song ends, she gets to her feet mindlessly, along with the audience. She claps her hands together as loud as she can, if only to let Jieqiong know how proud she is of her, how well she performed.  

Jieqiong catches her eye from the stage, gives her the brightest smile which soon turns to a worried look.

That right there, is why.

Something wet falls on Nayoung’s arm and she realizes that she’s crying. She quickly ducks her head to avoid Jieqiong’s stare. The lights turn off again and when they turn back on, Jieqiong has found her way to the seat next to her.

Nayoung doesn’t say anything throughout the rest of the concert. Even with Jieqiong’s scrutinizing gaze.

&&

Later that night, when they’ve both had eaten and changed into comfortable clothing, they spread out the blanket on the rooftop again and lie down side by side, looking up at the sky.

“Why were you crying earlier?” Jieqiong jumps the gun immediately.

Nayoung was hoping that they would at least get a bit more out this moment. Things are about to change and this may very well be the last.

“The song was really sad.” She says after much contemplation.

“I wouldn’t exactly say that it’s sad. You know I got the inspiration from Scarborough Fair, right? It’s supposed to be a love song.” Jieqiong clears and sings the repeating lines. “Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme,”

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme.

Nayoung wonders if Jieqiong has any idea what they mean. Parsley is comfort. Sage is strength. Rosemary is love. And thyme is courage. Nayoung’s always thought that whoever wrote the song wasn’t asking their lover to perform such impossible tasks but was only asking for these four simple things - comfort, strength, love, and courage. And sadly, Nayoung thinks they never got it because maybe they were looking at the wrong person.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t find it sad.” She finally says, looks at Jieqiong. She notes of the angle of her nose, the thick of her eyelashes, the curves of her lips.

Jieqiong looks back up at the sky and they lapse into silence. Nayoung starts to bargain for more time. The night is still young. There’s plenty of time for heartbreak later. Can she just have the next ten minutes to just draw Jieqiong like this in her mind, to engrave her in her memories where no one, not even Nayoung, can hurt her? Can she just bask in the moment where Jieqiong is happy, where she’s happy, where Jieqiong is here, right next to her?

“Is it really about the song though?” Jieqiong suddenly asks.

“What else could it be about?” Nayoung keeps her eyes on Jieqiong, paying no mind to what she’s saying.

“I don’t know, Nayoung. It could be about anything.” Jieqiong whispers. “Maybe the thing you were apologizing for last night?”

Nayoung blinks. It’s cruel, really. Was ten minutes too much to ask for?

Jieqiong pulls her in for a chaste kiss which lasted too quickly.

“I still stand by what I said. I’m here for you, Nayoungie. I’m here to listen. Just… let me in.” Jieqiong says in the space between.

It was all downhill from there. Nayoung strips herself down, builds her walls back up, and knocks them all again at the look in Jieqiong’s eyes. She sits up and takes her head in her hands at the weight of the guilt. Jieqiong sits up too, looks at her attentively.

“I think I’m in love with you, Jieqiong.” Nayoung starts. “No, I don’t think… I do. I’m… I’m in love with you.”

Jieqiong’s eyes widen and a smile grazes her lips but a frown is visible on her forehead.

“Nayoungie, I’m in love with you too. But what’s wrong?”

“I’m in love with you but  I-I don’t know what to do because in less than month you’ll be going back to China and I’ll be… here.” Nayoung finally says.

Jieqiong blinks at her. “Why does that worry you? That shouldn’t stop us, right?”

“You don’t understand. Jieqiong, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I’m so scared.” Nayoung takes in a shaky breath. “I’m scared of not seeing your smile, of not hearing your laugh, of not feeling your arms around me. I’m scared that soon I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and you’re not next to me. I’m scared that soon I’ll come home and you’re not there waiting for me. I’m scared, Jieqiong! I’m scared that our time together, however, happy I am right now, however, alive I feel right now, when you go, it will all just be a memory. You’ll be just a memory.”

She deflates after, out of breath and out of strength. Jieqiong looks at her softly then takes her hand.

“But that’s the thing, Nayoung. I’m not going to be just a memory. I... I don’t want to be just a memory. I don’t want to be just a fling you had one summer that you tell your friends about. I don’t want to be just stuck in your past. I want to be in your present. I want to be your future, Nayoung.”

Nayoung knows she needs to be more precise but she can’t and Jieqiong’s not making things any easier for her either. “I-I can’t.”

“You can’t? What do you me-” Jieqiong’s still confused.

Nayoung can no longer bear to look her in the eye so she stands and turns to face the sky with the energy she doesn’t have. “I’ll break your heart one way or another and you don’t deserve that, Jieqiong. You deserve to be happy and you’re not gonna get that with me.”

“Nayoung, don’t say that. I… I love you. You make me happy, don’t you see? Please don’t say that.” Jieqiong follows her. Her voice starts to shake and Nayoung hates herself even more with each passing second.

“I’ve known from the start that things weren’t going to work for us but I couldn’t help falling for you, Jieqiong. I want you to know that you’re special and-”

All of a sudden, Jieqiong starts laughing and Nayoung has to stop. She looks at the girl closely and sees that tears are streaming down her face. But she laughs still.

“You’ve known from the start? So you’ve already decided that you were going to string me along, make me fall for you and then break up with me at the end of the summer?” She asks, hands gripping the hem of Nayoung’s shirt.

“It’s for the best, Jieqiong. It’s to save you from pain.” Nayoung shakes as she puts her own hands over Jieqiong’s fists, trying to let her know that she’s doing this for her.

“And did it ever cross your mind that I could’ve decided that for myself if I wanted to feel pain or not? How could you do this? How could you just think of us as something so easily thrown away and forgotten?”

Jieqiong shoves her back with each question she throws at her but Nayoung holds her ground. She stands still and takes all of the anger that pours out of Jieqiong. She doesn’t do anything because she knows it’s what she deserves.

The blank look on Nayoung’s face tells Jieqiong that she’s not getting through to her so she resorts to hitting her on the chest, just below the shoulders, over and over again as tears continue to fall and as screams of betrayal come out .

Jieqiong tires not long after and falls into Nayoung’s arms. It’s silent for a while. Only sniffles and heavy breaths could be heard.

“I’m sorry.” Nayoung whispers, breaking the silence.

“No.” Jieqiong says. “You’re not.” She slowly pushes herself off Nayoung.

“You know, you really had me thinking that I finally have someone who loves me and cares about me. But it turns out, you had other plans.”  She takes a step back then without a warning slaps Nayoung across the face. She turns on her heel and walks off to the stairs.

Nayoung stays rooted to her spot for what feels like an hour. When she finds enough strength to move, she drags herself to her apartment, barely even making it past the door before the tears she held back start to fall.

A whimsical melody sings to the night from deep within her and she falls on her knees as she truly gasps for air this time. It’s done. She did it and it feels as if her heart’s just been ripped out of her chest. She tries to sit up and ends up leaning against the back of the door. She sees the emptiness of her home and it screams at her as the melody grows louder in her ears.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme

Remember me to one who lives there

She once was a true love of mine

But who was she kidding? From here on, there will only be silence.

For she once was a true love of mine.

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A/N: I was really hesistant to put that bit about painkillers in because not a lot of people are aware of it. It's not to encourage anyone to start downing painkillers when they're feeling down. I repeat, it's not to encourage anyone to start downing painkillers when they're feeling down. Why? Because painkillers take a toll on one's liver and some other internal organs, like some are not to be taken on an empty stomach. And overdosing can actually lead to death. I value all life very much. Please only take it when you really need to. And if you would remember from chapter 7, I mentioned that Nayoung takes note of the time she takes them so that she isn't abusing it. Please understand that I am in no way promoting drug abuse. So now, I'm actually anxious about this. Please let me know what your thoughts are and please don't hate me for the dark turn of things. I've been hinting at darker undertones since the beginning anyway. So, yeah. Thanks for reading like always.