A/N: Thanks to the help of friends, it didn't take me another month to update. Yay! Shout out to Arakano for helping me figure things out plotwise and to sinniesaka for spamming me with links of sad songs to listen to while I write. Everyone say thank you friends. :D 

Word count: 4,071 words

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Nayoung has no idea how long she slept, which is unexpected considering that she hasn’t been able to sleep in a while. She just knew she was out for a long time because she came home at around 6:30PM last night and now, the sun is shining well up outside her window. It’s a Thursday too, which means she’s most likely late for work. But she finds that she does not care because she’s more concerned with the empty space next to her than the fact that she could get yelled at by her boss.

She wonders if Jieqiong coming back to her was just a dream. Perhaps exhaustion and withdrawal (Minkyung and Kyungwon made damn sure that she would have no access those painkillers) finally caused her heart to hijack her poor brain and created delusions out of sheer desperation for some sort of relief. She wasn’t sure if that was vaguely possible but honestly, she thinks it would be better if that were the case. Not that she’s denying that it wouldn’t hurt her to find out that it was.

Nayoung sits up in bed, runs a hand through her hair as she looks around for her clothes. She finds her underwear and slips it on. The scene somehow feels awfully familiar and nostalgia threatens to sweep her up in a wave but she doesn’t let it. She can’t let it. Things are different now and not the good kind of different.

The bathroom door opens and Jieqiong steps out from there, confirming that everything that happened last night really did happen.

“Hey...”

Her greeting is awkward and quiet as she’s halfway through pulling a sweater over her head. Still, Jieqiong just gives her that same smile and walks towards her. The younger girl lets her finish pulling on her sweater before she tackles her to lie back on the bed.

Nayoung breathes, inhales the familiar scent of lavender, jasmine, and a scent that’s strictly Jieqiong’s. She lets her arms wrap around her shoulders as Jieqiong rests lays her head over her chest.

“Minkyung unnie called while you were sleeping. She said not to worry about work because she has you covered.” Jieqiong says in a quiet voice that almost gets drowned out by the loud thumping in Nayoung’s chest.

She nods gently and closes her eyes, breathes.

“Will you let me stay with you the whole day today?” There’s a hopeful tone in Jieqiong’s voice. “We don’t have to do anything.”

Nayoung opens her eyes to look into Jieqiong’s expectant ones. She’s in no position to make her leave after all the she’s already put her through and she knows that but at same time a thought nags and bites at her. The guilt claws at her sides and pools at her stomach, corrosive and heavy.

The more time she spends with me, the more time she’s going to need to heal when this ends.

“Stop that.” Jieqiong’s voice goes from soft to stern. There’s a visible frown on her face.

“Stop what?” Nayoung asks, eyebrows meeting.

“You’re making that guilty face again.” Jieqiong’s frown deepens.

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it.” Nayoung mumbles but Jieqiong shakes her head at her, firmly.

There’s hard look of determination in her eyes and Nayoung finds herself unable to look away as she prepares herself to listen.

“Don’t apologize! Here’s the thing, Nayoung. You don’t have to feel guilty about... anything.” Jieqiong pauses, clears . “You gave me a chance to get away but I chose to come back. Whatever happens now is on me. You don’t have to feel guilty.”

She cups her cheek affectionately in an attempt to assure her but Nayoung wants to argue so she pulls away and sits up.

“Jieqiong, I-”

“I mean it. That’s final.” Jieqiong abruptly cuts her off. The tone of her voice contrasts the way she holds tightly to her hand and begs with her eyes to just let it go, to just let it be.

Nayoung holds her gaze, desperately wishing to know what Jieqiong’s thinking. Not that knowing would help when it already feels like this whole thing is tearing her into two.

“You know what? Let’s make a deal too.” Jieqiong speaks again, not allowing the silence to prolong between them.

“From now on, we can’t talk about this. I won’t ask you questions on why you won’t keep me and you won’t tell me to leave you again. At least until the day of my departure. Are we good?”

Nayoung wonders if she can put up some sort of fight, if she could somehow bargain, but Jieqiong’s eyes start to well up with tears and she decides that she’s already made her cry enough. She pulls her in for a hug.

“Okay, okay. It’s a deal. I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”

Jieqiong clears and wipes her eyes with her hands. When she’s done, she smiles at Nayoung like the past few minutes didn’t happen, like they didn’t just have that conversation.

“In that case, you should finish getting dressed so we can get some breakfast.” She gives her a peck on the cheek and heads out of the bedroom.

&&

Nayoung has not heard from Chungha in a while so when the girl texts her to let her know she’ll be in Seoul a week earlier than what was originally planned, she feels conflicted. Yes, she missed her best friend and she wants to see her very much, but she isn’t prepared for what else Chungha’s return would bring to her. Probably a trip down memory lane. Definitely one or two harsh shoves towards the direction of her happiness, towards Jieqiong.

That could very well be one of the reasons why Jieqiong seems so excited about seeing Chungha, other than it being the first time that they’ll see each other apart from a computer screen. It isn’t hard to tell that Jieqiong and Chungha consider each other as advocates for their cause that is namely her, Nayoung. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, Nayoung thinks. She hopes that when all of this is over, the two of them can still be friends.

Jieqiong squeezes into her side more, breaking her train of thoughts. The younger girl momentarily looks up at her before dropping her gaze back to the laptop that’s playing a shady cartoon series about bears.

“Nayoungie… do you think animals have soulmates too?” She asks.

“What?” Nayoung lets out, surprised at the random question. She wasn’t exactly paying attention to what Jieqiong was watching but she knows it’s not related to it.

“Do you think animals have soulmates too?” Jieqiong repeats, wraps her arms tighter around her and snuggles deeper under her arm.

“Jieqiong, even for humans, there is no scientific basis for soulm-” She gives her a piercing gaze and Nayoung clears .

“Okay. For the sake of this conversation, let’s pretend there is. But I don’t know? Some animals are monogamous. I guess that could count for something.” She shrugs her shoulders.

“Monogamous? Like they only have one mate for the rest of their lives?” Jieqiong presses.

Nayoung finds herself blinking over the way she looks very intently at her but recovers quickly enough to start explaining.

“Yes. But only a few. Some mammals like otters, beavers, and white wolves. Most birds, but notably, black vultures, swans, and penguins.” Nayoung pauses, then perks after remembering something. “Oh, the prairie voles too. Those are studied a lot for genetic monogamy.”

Jieqiong looks at her curiously and she elaborates further.

“Like they have these genes for particular hormone receptors that regulate social behavior which allow them to kinda get attached to their partners ‘emotionally’. Scientists have been using the voles as models to try to explain that monogamy is genetic.”

“I’m sorry, what? Hormones?” Jieqiong wonders.

“Oxytocin and vasopressin. Basically, those are the hormones in the brain that are responsible for the sense of well-being one feels with love, companionship... and… and all that.”

An awkward silence drags on as the younger girl’s eyes bore into hers, searching and daring. Nayoung realizes that she’s had this conversation before, with different people in a different context. But either way, she knows exactly where this is going so she tries to revert to somewhere safer.

“Anyway, even if those animals are considered monogamous, they’d still, to put it simply, cheat. They’d around with other animals and even ‘divorce’ their mates on some occasions.” She trains her eyes at the laptop screen to be given an excuse to not look at Jieqiong but she still feels her hold her even tighter.

“That’s ed up.” Jieqiong mutters.

“That’s why they’re called animals.” Nayoung agrees.

They become silent again and Jieqiong goes back to watching her show.

“But humans are animals too.” She says after much consideration.

“That’s true, we are but of the highest form. Highly intelligent and complex.” Nayoung offers her a small smile.

But she just looks at her blankly before replying. “Yeah. I guess. But apart from trying to make sense of things, I don’t think we’re all that different from them. We’re born into the world. We fall in love. We fall apart. And then we die.”

The cynicism caughts her off guard and Nayoung has to look at her long and hard. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t noticed that Jieqiong’s been saying a lot of things lately that makes her want to know what could possibly be going on in her head. However, she does not allows herself to get past that part because she knows that questions would only bring more questions instead of answers that satisfy. And so, she settles for always wondering and never asking.

Nayoung knows that Jieqiong shares the same sentiment somehow but she’s young and naive and desperate.

“Do you really not believe in fate and soulmates?” She finally asks.

Nayoung closes her eyes in defeat at that question that she had seen coming a mile away. Even with the deal they made, Jieqiong never stopped wanting to know her reasons.

But to answer that particular question, maybe Nayoung did once upon a time. She wonders briefly if it would be safe to say that. But she doesn’t want to give Jieqiong false hopes of any kind so she goes with her cowardice yet again.

“No. Like I said, there are no scientific bases for that.”

Jieqiong nods and looks away. Nayoung watches her closely even more, sees the deep frown on her face again and the way her eyes seemed to want to shoot laser beams at the laptop screen.

“When’s Chungha unnie coming?” Jieqiong asks to change the subject.

"In two days.” Nayoung replies. “She’s gonna be crashing here for the first three nights because she wants to check in at the hotel together with Sejeong when she arrives.”

“Yeah. You told me before.”

Jieqiong doesn’t say anything more and neither does Nayoung so they lapse into silence while the questions they’d rather not ask hang over them like death sentences.

&&

The next few days aren’t any different. Jieqiong clings to her every chance she gets, asks her questions about seemingly random things that Nayoung knows are never just random. Perhaps it’s a consequence of what she did to her. But it’s also a strong reminder of why they shouldn’t be thinking about their futures together. It’s inevitable. She really does wreck everything she touches so Jieqiong’s better off far away from her reach.

Nayoung’s phone pings with the timely reminder. Chungha’s plane should’ve landed by now. She checks the time on her watch for confirmation and counts down the minutes until she expects to see her walking out the gates.

Despite all her reservations with the deal she’s made with Jieqiong (she still thinks it would be better if they stop seeing each other as early as now), she allows herself to think that it’s a pity that she isn’t here to pick Chungha up with her. She did promise to make it back in time for dinner with the two of them so it’s all good. Frankly, she thinks Chungha’s one of the best things Jieqiong will get out of this whole mess.

Chungha finally makes an appearance and she sees her immediately. Her best friend doesn’t waste time and basically runs to her, leaving her trolley of baggages behind. She jumps to a stop in front of Nayoung who smiles widely in greeting until she’s given her a fairly strong punch on the gut.

Nayoung has to bend down due to the pain which allows Chungha to easily throw her arms over her shoulder in a hug.

“That was for being an and this… this is for me missing you a lot.” She whispers in her ear.

Nayoung laughs despite the pain because it’s such a best friend thing to do and she also totally deserved that.

“I missed you too, Chungha.” She pats her on the back firmly, savors the moment of finally being able to do this in years.

When they pull away from each other, Nayoung grabs Chungha’s bags for her while Chungha looks around the general area, as if looking for something that might be hiding in plain sight.

“Where’s Kyulkyung?” She finally asks, gives Nayoung a suspicious look.

Nayoung chuckles before she explains. “Her friends wanted to see her. She said she’ll be home in time for dinner.”

Chungha purses her lips but doesn’t drop the raised eyebrow.

“Can you save that for later?” She asks a little weakly.

“I guess I could.” Chungha mutters, links her arms with Nayoung as she lets her push the trolley towards the exit.

Nayoung busies herself with booking a ride, but still keeps an eye on Chungha who settles for looking around some more (even though all there is to see is the airport) while breathing in the air of home she had missed.

“Ahh! We’re gonna have so much fun!” She exclaims, jumps up and down a little as she catches Nayoung’s eye.

Nayoung chuckles lightly. “Yeah, we will. You will. By the way, Heehyun said to call her and meet up.”

“Ooh. I’ll definitely do that.” Chungha replies in a sing song voice. Her eyes sparkle with excitement as she continues talking. “I’ll be seeing my parents tomorrow morning. I’m still fairly free in the afternoon so I’ll drop by the museum to say hi to Minkyung.”

“Yeah, that’s great. I’m sure Minkyung would love to see you, Chungha.” Nayoung smiles.

“Uhuh. It sure is great to be back! I’m glad I’m home.”

“I’m glad you’re home too. Are you going to be fine sleeping on the couch though? You know that I can give up my bed for you if you ask, right?.”

“The couch is fine, Nayoungie. Don’t worry. I’ll be out for the whole day and probably only come back real late anyway.”

Their ride arrives and they get on it without much hassle. Nayoung does not forget to text Jieqiong to let her know that she and Chungha are on their way back. She doesn’t get a reply but she dismisses it, knows that the younger girl would still be occupied with her friends.

The air is light but Nayoung’s had enough experience with this kind of atmosphere to know that it’s the pretentious sort of peace. As much as she hates to admit, she knows she’s going through the calm before the storm again. It hasn’t even been that long since the last one but if her life has already been thrown into chaos following that night on the rooftop with Jieqiong, then it’s about to get thrown into a full-blown hurricane with Chungha’s arrival. The past and the present are really about to meet.

Nayoung listens to Chungha talk about the pleasant weather, her flight, and her plans for the duration of her stay. She remains attentive, looking for the opening to bring up something that has been bothering her.

But it’s not until they get to the apartment and pass by the hallways leading to her unit, when she finally gets to ask.

“Is Sejeong alright with this though?”

Chungha chuckles at the worried look on her face.

“You know she’s actually coming in two days, right? And she’s meeting her Nayoung first so we can’t check in to the hotel until the third day.”

“Her Nayoung? Kim Nayoung?” Nayoung asks incredulous and Chungha nods with a laugh. “Her ex Kim Nayoung? That’s fine with you?”

“Nayoungie, we trust and love each other a lot. Of course, it’s fine with me. Besides, aren’t I with my ex right now, too?”

Nayoung gives her a deadpan look. “More than that, we’re best friends.”

“See? That isn’t any different from Sejeongie and the other Nayoung so stop worrying.” Chungha squeezes her hand. “C’mon, open the door. I’m ready to see Kyulkyung.”

The door swings open before Nayoung could even fit her key in the lock. Jieqiong bursts through it, greets them with the biggest smile, and heads straight to Chungha’s arms. With the look on their faces, Nayoung actually feels like she’s intruding something so she takes Chungha’s bags into the living room to give the two some space.

“Nayoungie said you were out with your friends!” Chungha exclaims as she and Jieqiong step through the door, still wrapped in each other’s arms.

“I was! I just got back too!” Jieqiong replies. “Ooh! And I already got food for. I just hope you like pig trotters.”

“Like pig trotters? I love them!” Chungha says making Jieqiong smile even more widely.

She starts pulling at Chungha’s hand to lead her to the kitchen but the older girl stops in her tracks.

“Why don’t you go on ahead, Kyulkyung? I’ll catch up with you. I just…” She gestures to her feet, still in her shoes.

“Oh,” Jieqiong mumbles. “Sorry. Okay. I’ll finish setting the table. Nayoungie, you hurry up too.” She says to her as she passes her on the hall.

Chungha purposely delays taking off her shoes and lingers by the threshold. Her eyes survey the wall of framed photos for a good minute before she turns to Nayoung. She raises an eyebrow at her and points at a particular photo.

Nayoung can already tell which photo it is so she avoids her eye as walks to her in quick strides. She reaches for that photo, ready to take off the wall but Chungha catches her by the wrist.

“Nayoung, don’t.” She pleads in a whisper. “This isn’t right. Dayoung misses you. She deserves better and you know it.”

She pauses, looks to the corner where Jieqiong has disappeared to. “She does too. You do too.”

Nayoung weakly drops her hand to her side. Whatever argument she has or does not have dies in as Jieqiong rounds the corner.

“Unnies?” She calls with a look of innocence on her face. “It’s time to eat.”

&&

Surprisingly, after Dayoung was brought up that one time, Nayoung hears no other mention of her for the rest of Chungha’s stay with them. Because, save for the dinner on the first night and the time Chungha came by the museum, they hardly see each other anymore with Nayoung working during the day and Chungha coming back half-late into the night and half-early in the morning.

It’s the third day of Chungha’s stay with them and with how things are, Nayoung thinks that maybe thinks survived this one or, at the very least, hopes that she’s given a bit more time before her best friend attempts another talk. But she wakes up in the middle of the night and hears voices drifting in through the crack in bedroom door that makes her realize that she hoped too soon.

She sits up, takes note of the missing pillows and the Squirtle doll that now lies in Jieqiong’s place on the bed.

“... I respect that. I know that are things she can’t tell me but I can’t stop myself from wanting to know, unnie. I just want to understand why.”

Those words bring a jolt to her, chasing the sleep off her body. She gets up, walks to the door and slides against the adjacent wall so she can sit on the floor.

“I don’t want to speak for her but… I guess I can tell you some of what I know.”

Nayoung listens intently. Her mind screams at her to get up and walk out to the living room to stop Chungha from saying anything more but her heart keeps her rooted to the carpet. If she can’t let Jieqiong know on her own, why should she stop Chungha?

“I’ve known her since we were in middle school and she wasn’t always like... this. She used to smiled a lot. She was honest and open. She was… happy even with what was going on with her family.” Chungha starts.

“What was going on with her family?” Jieqiong asks.

“Her parents were kind of cruel to her. They favored her little sister a lot more than they did her and they didn’t have trouble showing her that.” Chungha replies.

Nayoung clutches a hand to her chest as everything comes to her like a flood. The Sunday family dinners after going to church. The occasional family dates consisting of watching movies at the theater and eating out at their favorite restaurant. The monthly visits to their grandparents house that included Chungha every now and then.

“They didn’t hurt her physically but… emotionally, they did.” Chungha continues. “Like, it was clear that Nayoung wanted to dance but they made her take taekwondo while her sister was allowed, supported even, when she took up ballet. Do you get my point? There’s more but I don’t want to get to the details.”

Jieqiong doesn’t answer. Or at least Nayoung doesn’t hear her.

“Despite all that… Nayoung loved Dayoung with all her heart. She was the best sister she could be for her.”

Nayoung’s neck-deep in the memories now. She remembers weekends they spent baking pastries together. She thinks of all the lazy afternoons when she lied on her stomach, on the floor as she sketched while Dayoung lied opposite of her, watching her.

“What happened to her… to Dayoung? Nayoung told me she didn’t have any siblings.” Jieqiong says.

The silence drags on as Chungha hesitates to answer. And Nayoung can’t blame her.

Her voice shakes when she speaks again.

“That’s because Nayoung blames herself for what happened to her.”

“I don’t understand, unnie.” Jieqiong sounds confused with the vague reply.

Chungha takes some more time to reply again and when she finally does, Nayoung begins to feel as if she’s drowning.

“She got into an accident that almost killed her.”

Nayoung can’t breathe. When she tries to take in air, a sharp pain comes up at her sides. She covers with her hand as she becomes aware of the gasping sounds she’s making.

“It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but Nayoung is yet to forgive herself for it.” Chungha pauses as she, too, breathes heavily. “She put herself on exile. She hasn’t seen or talked to Dayoung and the rest of her family in years.”

Because it’s better that way. They’re all safer without her. Dayoung is safer without her. And it’s the same thing for Jieqiong.

“Nayoung thinks she should be punished for what happened but that’s not true. She deserves to be free. She deserves to have you.”

Maybe Nayoung should put an end to this now. Chungha has said enough. And she would if only she could bring herself to move. But since she can’t, she has to listen to the rest of their conversation helplessly.

“I’m only telling you this because I don’t think it’s fair for you to be kept in the dark, Kyulkyung. Believe me when I say that you make Nayoung happy. I know she’s hurt you but… I’m asking you to give her one more chance and to not give up on her. Can you please do that?”

As if Nayoung wasn’t already being torn apart by her reality, Jieqiong still has to be herself and answer with all finality.

“From the very start I’ve known that we are meant to be so I’ve already decided that I won’t give up on her. There’s no need for you to ask, Chungha unnie.”