Chapter Two: Caught Up

Yoongi’s POV

Everything is chaotic here. Not that chaotic bad, but it’s a chaotic scene in a good way.

I can see Namjoon conversing among Hoseok and Jimin. They seem to be a good mood, I wonder why, could’ve been because of something else. I didn’t know I was guarded around my surroundings trying to figure out what is laid out in front of me. Not seconds later before I blurt out the obvious question Seokjin made an entrance on my right, he was holding something I couldn’t, of course, figure out. Taehyung swung an arm around me, I felt the weight of my shoulders not that he was really heavy it was something else of a weight I’m feeling in my chest, could’ve been the soju, could’ve been because I passed out drunk. I couldn’t control my tolerance whenever we plan something ahead of time. The scenario is always me drunk, the rest taking me home.

But I was curious, confused and albeit dizzy I was for sure I am giddy all of a sudden.

Ah, giddiness, this damn giddiness I feel even yesterday, the past few weeks, more than a month. Couldn’t get it off my chest even further when Taehyung mouth something to me, all I understand was a gurgle, like he was underwater but I’m the one drowning: suffocating and vulnerable.

The weight that took of off my shoulders relaxed just a for a little bit until I saw Jungkook, weird I can still remember it’s him despite me seeing white dots blurred around his features he turns over to me to say something but magically his voice sounded weird, distorted even

“Hyung….noo…na…”

I was convinced I’m starting to get crazy or so I thought, couldn’t blame myself since last night was a whirlwind through my head. All I remember is I’m at the studio, 4 o’clock making beats probably drinking a bit to gulp the stress away, trying to cope to something about the unknown song, a petite girl, the beep on my phone-

“Yoongi, hey..are you okay?”

I could be okay if only I know what your face is, the person held my hand, it was soft and delicate like I’m touching a soft blanket, it was welcoming and warm. I was probably too deep in my thoughts when I start to blink my drowsiness away. My head is bobbing ever so slightly to get a look of the person’s face, her face is small, and a female I noticed. First off her face is blurry but she was holding my hand, gripping my small finger that made my heart jump, triggers something in my head and slightly curled my lips upwards.

I was going insane, I said to myself but everyone just keeps on continuing to chit chat here and there meanwhile the unknown female kept to be by my side, she was my head few times and it works wonders. I feel light headed and it’s making me sleepy to the core. She was saying something, something about those songs, and something about those enticing eyes. I felt the world was against me, time itself, I was underwater again –I couldn’t breathe— like the life was out of me, I could be exaggerating at times but I’m serious to the surroundings. She was still my hair, the strands of hair on my skin stood up. I could only see a fragment of her smile, and it was captivating to the point where I didn’t know I was already choking, tilting my head back until all I see are my member’s faces rushing towards me. Seokjin is already pale when I was slowly falling down, my eyes was rolling backwards, heart rushing through my throat and somehow I caught a glimpse of her…she was there.

 

I up a full breathe of air as if I was drowned underwater, sitting up straight faster that I never knew I could and slowly stared at my monitor to check the time.

‘7 o’clock’ the time says, it beams into my eyes as I groan in annoyance, another weird dream and its taking a toll on me. My chest is still filling up the air I needed after that dream, it was different than those other ones and it definitely scares me. I should try listening to Seokjin for once and stop locking myself up in this room, but I couldn’t even too. I am scared, I always expect things and constantly fear of messing things up for the sole purpose of my head playing tricks on me…it always does.

It took me off guard when I’m suddenly alive everything on that dream felt real…it was so damn real. I took a quick glance on my mirror to see in horror my dead face, it was pale, considering I’m almost on the pale side of my skin still I took notice of that. My eyes are heavier than before but the good thing is I can cover it with something else so that the members won’t bombard me with undying questions I have yet to answer. The studio felt like it is though; cold but warm meanwhile I’m sweaty and sticky.

I shift on my position when I sat right and mess my hair a bit. If it wasn’t messy enough is sure as hell it will be right now. I drag my body upwards to stand up. I got an incoming message from my manager. I stood back an urge to not even read it, cause at this time, when my mind is all messed up and my voice can’t even find my way to speak, I don’t think I’m ready to see the sun. I’m not ready to go outside and interact with a lot of people today.

I neglected it nonetheless, cause no matter how my head blows right now I have to answer it, it’ll end up for them to be worrying too much and I don’t want to cause a scene, not like this, not like now. I’ll be fine once I cover it with something until I’m all ready.

“Yoongi we got a meeting today, let’s meet up at the dorms.”

His voice sounds worried but low. He was on the fence since last night because of my attitude at the awards and I couldn’t blame him. I was probably staring off the distance and acting weird a lot of these days. I couldn’t even care to hide it anymore, but it doesn’t mean I have the courage to say it to him. I ended the messages before I could feel a massive headache, I let out an exhale to let out the tension on my stiff shoulders, it was weird as if someone leaned on it, that dream didn’t really felt like it was a dream, it was haunting in a way it came true. I should really stop reading Namjoon’s beloved novels, it keeps bumping in my head that those were the type of fictional stories Namjoon would read, I  knew cause he secretly reads them, it was fascinating what type of genres Namjoon was in but it didn’t really stick to me on why Namjoon choose to be reader type of guy. I click my tongue in amusement, turning to the door outside; grab my keys and coat, sluggishly putting on my cap in my disheveled hair. My chest still recovers from that unusual dream I had. The image of the female I saw keeps engraving on my head, it just won’t go away. Maybe a good sleep would do well on me, but I’m afraid those dreams will cycle its way through my head again. Just gotta keep on hoping it would stop.

“Namjoon, you guys have an official date to your album release?”

“Not yet, we still haven’t polished our songs-“

I awkwardly make an entrance inside the dining area where all my members are located. Jungkook has his eyes wide open as if seeing me was the most rewarding thing he ever done. Namjoon was in the process of eating his food, the spoon almost at his mouth, knowing Seokjin he just keeps on ravishing his meal, and Taehyung and the rest of the two grinned at me, they were like puppies waiting for their owner.

I fidget onto my position trying to think of an excuse, everyone is expecting me to sleep at the dorms but I was confined in the comforts of my own home. Manager-nim was frozen on the spot, his hand was holding his phone, he was reciting the schedules we would have, and he has this aggravating gaze at me. He’s really trying to not choke up the atmosphere with his lectures but I swallow it hard enough for them not to notice. I was stiff on my walk alone when I pulled my chair backwards. Namjoon was staring at me, trying to squeeze for an explanation. I don’t know…I don’t have any sort of explanation Namjoon.

Namjoon was a persistent person, I, on the other hand, is impatient. So I never try to argue with him anymore I glance over at our manager and he has this look in the eyes that tells me…

 

“Why didn’t you come back here at the dorms Yoongi?”

 

Surprised, my ears perked up at his gentle tone. He was…concerned, unexpectedly. I stuttered for something to say, my jaw is locked to say something, my heart is still beating twice may I remind you and I still couldn’t get over that dream. I was hesitant until I gather up courage to reason out to him. “I couldn’t finish my last song, I fell asleep and crash there.” I finished before I look away, he might look for a reason again once he sees my heavy eyes.

He wasn’t convinced I can tell but he shrugs it off, didn’t mean I got to be relaxed now his presence was still there after all. I took a peek at Namjoon’s eyes and this tells me this is not over, not like it was over, this always happens  for a few weeks and it just ticks Namjoon off to all the wrong reasons sometimes, he thinks I don’t focus enough and I lazy around.

Not like I can know what happen, too bad I can’t eat today too. I snickered at myself at the reflection of the plate, I do look like compared last night. I’m still having a little bit of roughness on my skin. I couldn’t even take care of myself. I wanted to laugh at how dumb I look, but it’s a dream I couldn’t care less even though I could care, but I didn’t, it was like an effort of me to take the dream off but it just keeps coming back.

“Yoongi wouldn’t know, he isn’t here last night.” Before I could even look up to see who that is Manager-nim track me down with a look I never knew he had. I was on my defense mode when he suddenly shake his head as if he’s about to say something. He knew something of course, I wasn’t on my best manner to act, and even to my members it’s going to affect the working ethics we have on this team.

“Well, we’ll talk it out for sure, hyung. I’m sure he’s just tired.” Namjoon elevated manager a bit with his words and I awkwardly position myself away from them, rolling my food unto my fork stabbing it quite slowly. The dream I had find its way to my head, my breathiness took a toll on me when I hid my face but none of the members like to address this now.

Manager-nim didn’t say anything at all after that, but it was evident he still has his eyes on me. Everyone is quiet except for the clatter of the utensils and the hum of the heater going off at the background. The room was tense yet still. He then did a one glance at us and just nodded courtly after that.

Manager-nim left without a word when he covers all of our schedules. It nerves me to the bones how he tried to let me blurt out something last night, I wasn’t the lying type to him but it came in handy when I’m hiding something. I fixed my messy hair into the course of me feeling frustrated, to my left Namjoon is talking about me not being here at the dorms. It was scary to think and to see how Namjoon is mad at me, maybe pissed but every action of his goes a long way for him to be ticked like that. I never bothered, that’s what they always tell me. I don’t care or even bother to retaliate anything as I said.

They were wrong though. All I have is a secret I couldn’t tell, if I tell my throat will be stuffy and airy, I wouldn’t be able to breathe and everything around me is going to spin, like a record broken over and over again. It’s exhausting to the point I’m on the edge of a high cliff ready to fall at any moment. It was once in a lifetime mistake that would probably ruin me in the future.

But Namjoon eyed me curiously; he did do well on communicating on me when he just looks at me. He already has his hair fixed:  Slicked, and tuckered, his glasses was too large for his haughty eyes, well sometimes to me it seems like he has those eyes. “Yoongi hyung, tell me really is there anything wrong?” he was soft spoken now; it was something he always do when he’s worried for all of us.

My eyes cascade down my lap and felt my fingers are starting to be a little stiff. Namjoon was there and all of the members too. Jimin was feeling a bit awkward ever since Manager-nim got out of the place. In fact ever since I step a foot on this dorm everyone was observing me. Hoseok came to view behind Namjoon when he starts to stare at me, looking suspiciously in my eyes. “I’m going to tell it right away that Yoongi doesn’t want to stay with us anymore.” Hoseok was joking of course, he doesn’t want anything to be heavy at this moment, so I’m glad he actually made this statement.

“Aye, c’mon don’t do that now... I’m actually going to be scared if that happens.” Taehyung was too, he was hiding behind Jimin and even though they were all joking I felt the sudden urge to confirm that I was fine, always fine.

“I’m not going to go away, you guys are so silly. I’m fine.” I confirmed, relaxed my back unto this chair, though it didn’t do me any good. Namjoon didn’t falter at my words, it just aggravates everything.

 “I just want to apologize; you guys know how hectic it is… I’m fine though...” my voice was low but I heard the atmosphere was enough for me to divert the attention away, gulping down the lump that was in my throat all this time. I had to make sure I don’t look obvious and for the fact that I knew Namjoon would approve of just a sec. and indeed it works, Namjoon shook his head before he stood up and was gone off to the kitchen. The ones left are the ones who didn’t say anything at all. Hoseok cast me a reassuring glance before he even went upstairs, Jimin and Taehyung bid goodbye and got ready for the day ahead. It didn’t occur to me that Seokjin and Jungkook was there. Seokjin was hesitant but he wasn’t shy either. He could tell already by the way I looked. I definitely got worse than last night.

I gather up the courage to look at Seokjin even with the younger one there. “You said you’re okay, but you can’t cover your eyes…really.” He didn’t tell me this when everyone was here, I’m thankful for that, Seokjin understands at least. He took the remaining plates and balanced it on his arms, he gave an inviting smile at me, and he was friendly and most of all comfortable to look at least. He and Namjoon are totally contrasted to one another.

On the other hand, Jungkook didn’t say any single thing but just look at me, his head was slightly tilted to the side and he was cautious not to ask me anymore questions. The kid knew too, especially since he’s been with me yesterday I wouldn’t be half surprised at this. Jungkook is such an observant kid, I had to know that when I first knew him. He’s added to the team, a small kid with big ambitions, he was away from home just like me….He is still figuring out everything too…enthusiastically just like me.

I shook my head and leaned closer to him, his eyes are a bit sad, maybe from the things happening. He was just younger, I’m older and he looks up to us. I couldn’t bear for him to admire me too. Kid, I’m just as confuse as you are, everything around me is changing and that change is so drastic it’s hard for me to keep up.

I pat jungkook’s head to give him a sneer. I wouldn’t want him to feel out of place, but I’m glad that I can bring him out of his place. Jungkook breathes out a sigh of relief before nodding on my way and goes ahead of me. I watched him as he stride upstairs to get ready for our schedule and I look back a bit at the scene, it was silent….it rings in my ear.

The only thing I can hear is how fast my heart can race inside of my chest.

 

“Oh we got a lot of things to do!”

“Jiminieee, Jiminiee is gonna dye his hair orange!” Namjoon is proud and more relaxed than he is earlier. We’re at the van headed to the company building and everyone is doing their own things.

“Aish, Don’t flatter me that much.” Jimin cowered a bit on his seat as he let out his toothy grin. Taehyung peeks through his seat as he plays with Jimin’s hair and teases it to the rest of the members.

“I’m going to have highlights so I’m going to look like a seaweed underwater,” Taehyung countered, he was frowning the whole time whilst holding his phone, his eyes seems to light up whenever he faces that phone, I wonder who’s on the other side to make him smile like that. “Be thankful you’ll only look like an orange-“  Taehyung peers on his seat and leans to his seatmate, pinches Jimin’s cheeks making him squirm out of his place.

“Our fans will like it though no matter what…” Jungkook’s eyes were wide, an innocent kind of wide while playing games on his mobile phone. He laughs loudly enough, seeing his buck teeth in front making him look more innocent as he is. “I think they will still love it...”

“Who knows right? I mean Kookie has a lot of fans nowadays~” Jimin howls to tease Jungkook and Jungkook shyly covers his face under the blanket I gave him earlier. He was at his phone too but didn’t fail to tease everyone out.

“Taehyung is one of the most popular too..” Jungkook reasoned out, that made me smile for a bit. This kid doesn’t want to take all the credit I see. “No! Jimin hyung is!” Taehyung makes an excuse again as they tease each other, all of them are holding their phone but Jungkook is the target now as the two partnered up to tickle Jungkook.

I’m watching this unfold on the corner of my seat, Namjoon and Hoseok seems to be discussing something, probably about the album details. I watch as my eyes get a bit blurry, looking closer to the road, I have vivid flashes of the dream that I had still. It just looks…surreal. Like you were there up close and front...The girl...Who is she… how come she comes back every time I have the same reoccurring dream but the thing I’m afraid the most is getting worse, every single day.

If being on different places was the pinnacle of me having lost it in my head, the dreams that occurred to me these past weeks is getting out of hand. The dreams occur on different places, all in which the same results happens at the end…which terrifies me even more…how I don’t know what kind of logical explanation this is…but in all those dreams someone appears…that girl…that I don’t know tha-

“Hey Yoongi did you saw my pillow neck?” Seokjin snaps me out of my thoughts as I looked at him at the back of the van, his things were scattered  on one place and I had to double check if my vision is getting dizzy or not. “Yoongi,” Seokjin’s voice was full of concern all at once; his eyebrows are knitting together in confusion at the same time.

“Yeah it’s here,” I pointed at the corner of his seat and Seokjin stares back at me as if he knows what’s happening, everyone around me is doing their own thing but for Seokjin he has his eyes on me. I let out a crack of smile on my lips; Seokjin didn’t seem to notice so he just returns it with a hum and a low ‘thanks’.

 

I have this fear on me that everyone is just on my feet. I’ve been acting defensive, and it can actually spark a fight between me and Namjoon, or either one of the members. I had to let it go, whatever was on my mind it needs to go. I glanced at Namjoon on the reflection of the mirror he was reading that book again, Hoseok looks at his notes and studies them diligently. The youngest members are stuck in their phone, Jimin and Taehyung enjoys whatever they are doing, Taehyung smiling from time to time, meanwhile Jimin must have been talking to someone, I couldn’t seem to find it out but they are always on their phone not that it concerns me. Jungkook playing games as per usual, I saw one of his thumbs covered with a band aid for trying to cook something with Seokjin a few weeks ago, how I wondered if it heals now.

Somehow using my eyes to notice little things is what I’m good at whenever I’m dozing off. I shake off the thought as if it’s gonna get me to sleep and it usually works but now it didn’t. I sigh out of defeat and just brought out my phone, the screen reads the time and the black monotonous wallpaper stares back at me; I look outside my window to see the glimmering sun outside of Seoul. It looks so bright out today; I just wish I could enjoy more without the dream going back and forth to my head once in awhile…it’s been chaotic in a way that I was always left confused, like I have to go back to something…to someone. 

Laying back down to my seat I scroll through my phone, for the first time I felt my back relaxed on my seat and often I don’t get relaxed with these past few days but it’s a nice change, going back to my phone I scroll past some songs to play while I close my eyes, trying to relax a bit before we head out through the day. Laying down my head on the side of the window I breathe in the constricted air I still left through this day, closed my eyes and just let the music play. Suddenly what it got me to open my eyes is an abrupt change on my playlist, little did I know that something plays unknowingly to me..It was the song.

I tried to close or pause even stop the song as much as possible to my will but it just leaves me frustrated over all. I forgot last night when some unknown song makes it way to my files, it could’ve been anyone else, my members or some of the producers who goes through this stuff, but it couldn’t be. I always secure and check every file I have on that computer. This makes me drive on edge again, this isn’t just my day isn’t?

I mumbled irritably under my breathe as the song keeps playing, it feels like one of those dreams I have again and I don’t want to go back through that again, it feels like death, it really does.

Before I can even break my phone I clicked the exit button on my player, pull out my earphones and grit my teeth out of frustration, wouldn’t call this the most spectacular day at all but I hope I manage to survive. I look outside the window to try and just make this an alternative to pass time. I see the streets passing by quickly, people crossing on the pedestal lane as they head to any endeavors they had.

 

Bleep

A ring suddenly caught me off guard and I saw many notifications popping here and then. I’m the type of person who isn’t into communicating through text, in face I’m a slow person so seeing these messages popping on my notification bar had me questioning everything. I look around my surroundings first to see everyone is knocked off asleep for awhile, Hoseok and Namjoon on a conversation that still looks like a blur to me, Jimin and Taehyung is texting away whilst them being all enthusiastic about something. Jungkook, well playing games on his phone, Seokjin is listening at Jungkook’s game.

Everyone seems to be…doing their own thing when I left them.

I look down at my phone to check what the ruckus was about; I knit my eyebrow in confusion as I unlocked my phone. It seems to be notifications about a group chat?

Opening it I realize it wasn’t just about the group chat, it wasn’t just about something else important.

Beaming through the screen the name ‘REDBANGTAN’ was all capitalized. The chat was blazing with messages as my chest a little bit tight. Opening the group chat I ignored a lot of messages it contains, saw the members inside... what I saw took a punch of air out of me.

 

We were seated on the conference room inside of Big Hit’s building premises. I was still static and frozen when I saw her name. wow, I was never once was like this to a female, maybe a budding romance with them could never get me out of it, but somehow her petite frame and small smile caught my eye off guard. Good thing I had my mask on today, I don’t want anyone questioning me furthermore with these mood swings I’m having.

The reason we’re here today though is to discuss our album, we decided to come back after a year** songs and whatnot is being done, and when you’re a composer to be honest the weight of releasing more songs is heavier than everyone think it is. I’ve always had so many songs that I wanted to put, Namjoon and Hoseok has too, the other members are so eager to help whenever comeback season arrives everyone is up to their feet, we can’t wait to actually see our fans.

 

Namjoon walked in clad in his long coat he always wear, he has stack of papers that are too heavy for me to even lift, it has a lot and Namjoon always took time to examine everything on its release, every song, every concept we laid out so far has been a success.

We discuss everything according to plan, we have some disagreements but we make it work somehow. Everyone has been planning this since day one, we work ahead like that and I’m glad everything is going well and fine. I haven’t told them about everything yet but it’s good though that we are actually occupied. I don’t want them to know at least not now. I’m too defenseless to my surroundings to even know what’s going to happen next, well it will be unexpected that’s what scares me the most.

“So, you know if you guys needed some help we can always talk, we always do that.” Namjoon was directly hinting at me with this when I start to pay attention for awhile. Hoseok was at the front so I couldn’t really see his face, but it was unsettling to think how my breathe starts to fasten. Seokjin cuts us off however and I felt like I needed to thank him all the time whenever he saves my frail self.

“Yes we will,” Seokjin looks over at me and then quickly to the other’s member’s faces, and let out a quirky smile after, it made the situation light and fun, meanwhile I’m still staggered at what is happening around me. “And you know I’ve always trust my producers! Ah, you guys we got this you know!” Seokjin enthusiastically cheers on us, and everyone is already teasing the elder. I smiled for the brief amount of time I can relax; it’s not so bad at all if you think about it. I was in distraught even back in the morning.

“Of course you are hyung, we all are. Let’s do our best okay?” Hoseok cheered on and everyone in the room burst into laughter with a light atmosphere. I, too, couldn’t help but to join them. Hoseok suddenly lounging his self unto mine and hugging my arm, I’ve always treated the members more than co-workers. Everyone has their smile lay upon me. I just couldn’t help but to reply back, everything is fine, I assure myself, ‘everything is going to go the way it is supposed to be’, I said to myself.

 

And besides, I don’t lie to myself and never will I ever, lie.

Initially I was about to go out of the building to meet up with Namjoon and Hoseok, around with our producer to record some songs we need to fix. I still felt a little bit light headed but I manage to get the hang of it, i drank some medicine that will knock me out of it. It still hasn’t processed onto my head on what just my phone was trying to do, unknown songs that can be played automatically and eventually some notifications that I was added onto this group chat. I later on found out it was Red Velvet, knowing how much I locked myself I don’t actually know what group they are, you can’t blame me if I only know one person there –which is Wendy— and that name brought a lot of heat on my face.

Trying to face the fact that I’m either hypnotized or I’m just awkward around girls. I’m just not the type of guy who can get a lady over, too bad Hoseok tells me I should get a girlfriend if I don’t stop frowning too much or wrinkles will actually appear. He’s joking of course, Hoseok is that type of guy and even though I love him he sometimes get what’s coming to him whenever I don’t feel like it. I…I’m not that really good at talking to girls, but he insists on me going on these dates, even asking me on some idols I saw but to me really, I don’t feel like I needed one…maybe because no matter how cheesy this sounds like I felt like something or someone is already there- weird my phone is suddenly vibrating at an abnormal rate.

I halt to my casual stroll around the building when I felt my phone vibrates, it’s going to be either Hoseok or Namjoon, maybe our producer as well but it was unusual for me because I just saw them awhile ago, having a good conversation either way I don’t want any of them having some suspicious movements to me so I opened my phone.

“What…” I mumbled shakily, you know how your breath relaxes for a few minutes and before you know it, it just comes back at you like a gigantic wave ready to swallow you beneath the ocean. The series of text messages had me pale and almost choking out air, my hands were sweaty and I can’t hold on much to my phone.

 

Hello, I guess you’re wondering why I know your number...
you’ve told me a lot about the upcoming comeback and I hope it will come to a success…I’m sure of that Yoongi,
I miss you…I miss you everyday..
You’ve been busy a lot these days, maybe I should visit you for awhile.

 

My hands are getting out of control as I widen my eyes even more with these messages that keep on popping up at me. Who is this? Should I… report this to authorities, everything is so dizzy, everything is so confusing. Different places… different end results…

Before I completely passed out in the middle of the hallway I staggered on my feet to the nearest restroom, I almost bumped into someone but I couldn’t say or even utter an apology to them. Everything is a blur to me, and it’s happening again. Almost dropping my phone, I placed it down beside the sink and open the faucet to let the water flow out. I stared at it for the longest time before I breathe out heavily. I gripped on the sides of the sink, I was afraid I’m gonna see those messages again.

Count to three…and everything is going to be gone. I’m good at realizations like these. I’m good at reminding myself that everything is okay, everything is gonna go away. I’m good at hiding and good at every suppressed feeling that I have.

I tend to hide, almost failing to do so when someone looks at me in the eyes. Cause the eyes can tell more than what my mouth does and it’s scaring me. I slow my breathing and closes my eyes slowly, trying to get back those air I needed. They run away from me. My shoulders shook, my eyes are heavy despite having it already washed…I look at the water running through the faucet and before I knew it I got to my phone to swipe the messages and in the blink of an eye, it was gone.

Think about it Yoongi, think about how you wanted to grip unto something, make everything seem to be normal but really it isn’t. How many mantras will I chant before all of this goes away? I need something, I need someone. Inner peace they said, they always say to try and find my inner peace.

It goes back to the moment where I was performing on stage. The petite blue dressed girl enters, I was ecstatic to see someone, like her, to know my name without me even uttering a single thing. Her name, her name was Wendy isn’t? Wendy, she knew my name. ‘Suga-siie’ she said, how it rolls off her tongue effortlessly I didn’t know. It was just like an unusual meeting at the same time it happened and I was there.

Going back to the van I had to cover myself with a mask. The members went back in for a short break; we’ve been working for hours so Jimin and Taehyung asked to go to the nearest coffee shop to buy the infamous drink they all want.

Ever since the incident happened earlier, I was practically on the low of someone watching me, of course I couldn’t bear to say it to anyone other than me but it was good this way. The ride to the coffee shop was practically the same but I couldn’t help but clutch my head a bit out of their sight so they won’t suspect a thing from me. The car passing by is like a fast scene I have to take in but I’m glad none of them know yet, not now at least. Taehyung and Jimin we’re chatting away and as much as I want to say something about the group chat too it’s going to be really obvious how distraught I looked so I pulled back.

Jin was at the back with his earphones on and suddenly I try to turn away from his gaze but it was too late when he called my name. I looked at him though and he has his eyes settled on me before he brushes off my shoulder saying I have something on my eye.

I blink as he instructed me to do and Seokjin keenly move over to my side as the van keeps on moving, he leans in a bit closer to my ear before he whispers, “Yoongi, you okay? You look paler than before...”

Of course I’m not but I try to wheel myself out of that situation of interrogating so without any much action I shrugged my shoulders a bit. My whole body is still tensed to what happened and no amount of asking if I’m okay is going to make this better.

Seokjin looks at me disappointed. Probably, he thought I could open up quickly as I could during those days. I remembered the way he looked at me, yesterday at awards night. The way he said that he likes to meet Red Velvet and saying something about Wendy intrigued me but specks of dust only came inside my head because it’s my first time I actually meet any of the girls and Wendy.

“Just tell me anything. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Seokjin observes very well, I’ll take note of that. All I did is just nod meekly at him before turning my head and stare outside of the van, biting my thumb’s nail as I anxiously try to calm down. The sun, the trees, the people all of them starts to have a different meaning when those text emerges.

How could they know everything about something ahead?

Before I could even dive deeper onto the topic alone I felt the van skid to a stop and I jerk a bit forward. My neck hurts, I hissed at that stop but everyone seems like they don’t mind it.

“I’m going to buy some drinks inside, anyone wanna go outside though?” Taehyung announced, rummaging inside his duffel bag for his wallet. I shift my gaze through the driver’s seat to see Namjoon preparing himself to go outside, he has his sunglasses on and was looking at me (at least I think he was) before going out without a word.

“I’ll go!” Jimin hopped off from his seat and tries to not bother Jungkook before he slides the van’s door and fixes his hair on the van’s reflection. The sun was hitting them directly but they manage to look good under those.

I glanced outside. Hoseok was tapping me on the arm before I look at him. I was a bit jumpy today but Hoseok doesn’t seem to notice it, which I’m heavenly relieved.

“You wanna come? Before we head inside?” Hoseok was beside me and Jungkook shifts his position so that Hoseok would face me properly.

I’m still close at the window of the van as I was trying to make it look like nothing’s wrong, really because nothing’s wrong right? Everything is just an imagination nothing is going to come-

“Hey, hyung.” Hoseok is furrowing his eyebrows out of confusion, and my heart starts to pick up quite fast.

“I’ll have coffee.” Just a regular one to ease myself please…

Hoseok doesn’t question further but it was evident he was picking up something strange from me today. Hoseok bid his farewell before going outside and I saw Seokjin surprisingly outside as well. Jungkook was beside me all the time and is still listening to music. I wonder how much this kid heard.

“Hyung,” Jungkook said in a hushed voice. I hummed as a reply as I keep looking outside, the members already entered and looking around it seems like this café is peaceful and more relaxing than I thought.

“How was your song doing?” Jungkook questions before he yawns a bit. I was feeling anxious to talk to him but I gather up the courage to answer him properly, “It’s doing good… I guess...”

“Well I hope you can find your vocals for the female hyung, anyone that has been on your mind lately?”

I froze at his question and curled my lips a bit upwards. Yeah, I haven’t to be honest at this point. Whether or not I’ll finish the song, I don’t think I’m going to be able to find someone who will be my female vocal, and besides it’s still undecided. Jungkook was so sleepy but he knew how to shoot back a question. Quite nice actually, it didn’t really made my anxiousness go away but it was enough for me to just calm down a bit.

“You know hyung, you can ask me for help too…” Jungkook frowns a bit, “You’ve been in under many stressful things not to ask for any help.”

How Jungkook observes me I will never know, but I do know what he said is true to the eyes of everyone around me. I don’t accept any help…I’d rather help someone in change of that. I’m shy and most importantly I say dumb things that will probably end up wrong. Jungkook laughs when he stretches his arms and legs, I should too but I’m too anxious to even be moving at all.

“You know one day I’m going to release that song, is that why you’re asking me this though?” I said in a playful tone. Jungkook shook his head and grins happily, an innocent kid who just got his first toy. “No, I just want hyung happy.” He replied to me, he’s sincere and quirky at the same time. I had to laugh at it.

I’m happy though, I’m always happy, I have Bangtan. I have my life pieced back together…and…and-

“Hyung there they are now-“ before I could even continue what I have to say, I saw Jimin and Taehyung with some huge grin plastered on their faces. Hoseok, Namjoon and Seokjin followed suit and I just couldn’t help but to feel nervous all of a sudden.

The door of the van opens widely and here comes happy Bangtan. Jimin was blabbering before I could even comprehend what he was saying and then Taehyung came in with my regular coffee. Jungkook converses with them and then I saw Namjoon taking the front seat again and the driver going back to his seat.

Hoseok smile reaches from ear to ear and Seokjin is talking to them animatedly. I tried to drink my coffee in silence but they were so ecstatic to the brim.

“I met Red Velvet!”

Before I can even drink my coffee fully I gulped a lump in my throat. Red Velvet wait…you mean-

“It was Irene and Seulgi though, but still they came by us and said hi!” Hoseok is the one who is continuing the story now meanwhile I slurp and act my best to just listen. Jimin peers over and looks at his phone and smiled with affection. “They said they knew about our songs and we were cool on stage!” Jimin was laughing a bit as he looks over at Taehyung and talked about how they almost thought it was another set of fans following them.

Wendy...is in Red Velvet… Wendy…Wendy…

“Oh, I saw Wendy.” Jin said behind me.

 

My heart did a double flip before I actually cough for a bit. My anxiousness got washed by how dumb I look.

Bangtan look over me and just blink before hoarding questions of ‘are you okay?’ ‘hyung did you swallowed the cup?’ and etc. came into my face. I look at them and brush them off to say I’m fine. Whatever it is that Seokjin is saying it just comes with a blur because all I hear is Wendy’s name.

“She’s really a fan of us though.” Jin slurped on his drink meanwhile wiping myself with a tissue and Namjoon already asked the driver to take us back to the building.

“Yeah she is, she might be the one who influenced her members.” Hoseok snorted as he ate his bread and delightfully offered Taehyung some. Taehyung rejected and looks at me before putting down his sunglasses. “I think she was most fond of you.”

I blushed. Not in the lifetime you’ll see me blushing like this but thank the heavens for the invention of mask. “Huh, me? Well that’s fine…” I swirled my cup and even though the heat from my coffee is long gone I keep on blowing it as if it’s still hot.

Yep, it’s still hot.

“Eh, hyung you could have gone too-“

“I was dizzy earlier I’m trying to just rest,” I reasoned out calmly before Namjoon looks up at me through the rearview mirror. Taehyung shrugged it off and goes to his phone again, it must have been the group chat again Jimin was so eagerly looking at too earlier.

I look away from them and look outside now, the day hasn’t even finished yet here I am thinking about things on top of things. Especially the messages,…the dream.

Looking outside for the umpteenth time this day, the sun rose down, it dims the place a little bit, makes my heart slowly beat in every inch of my senses. I lie down and try not to think of anything ahead.

Hopefully,

Days have passed to recording our album it went on a long process. We finally finalized our songs into order and did a lot of practice for the choreography. Through the highs and lows of everyone to this process, I came to know that it’s always been tough trying to focus whenever we have a comeback season especially through these days and weeks of preparing.  Jimin and Jungkook is practicing their vocals every night, we went home and everyone just start filling out of their room quickly before I even bat my eye.

Seokjin tries to vocalize every day in his room while I finish some songs. I asked him some things and gave him feedback about the other tracks we’ve been working on. We are used to teamwork like this, each of the members are doing their own specific things to do when days like these are coming closer. Fans are really excited, everyone is. Seokjin kept saying that each of the members is going to shine, not a trace of doubt in his eyes.

He was happy. I am too but not that really vocal on that part. One of these days, I’m always allowing myself to just not go and be recognized on how I look or feel so I tend to smile a lot, hide beneath the papers and mask or whatever I can grab at hand. I don’t want anyone knowing I’m still at loss to events happened to me, especially if it’s left unexplained. The whirlwind of events still got into my mind and I need to just let them go and not focus anything at this moment.

We started to get the looks we have for this comeback. Hoseok was eager to go orange but Jimin teased that he was the one who thought of it. Of course we were all kidding after all we’ve been comfortable enough to tease each other. Jimin had orange hair and while everything is settled with the concepts and stuff I have a hard time choosing what hair I should pick or what direction I would go for this concept.

Namjoon helped me a lot through sleepless days and busy nights we worked on. Members come and go to my studio every now and then, to record, eat and just discuss stuff. I was used to this. This was my forte after all and although time is ticking so fast at the speed of light when people surrounds me it’s just then when time ticks whenever I’m alone it suddenly slows down.

Whenever it’s in the middle of the night I go through that same folder where the same file has been sitting for at least weeks now. I looked through my calendar and count the days before the comeback. I check the time it’s midnight, I should have known. My eyes are tired and my hair is disheveled to various ways I can’t imagine. The screen on my desktop beams at me, almost as if nagging me to sleep because the huge time stamp is there and I almost snickered at how silly I must have been thinking.

“It’s almost two..” which it is as I mumble to myself. I want to get one melody done before I head off. I need something to feed my appetite and I’m starting to get cranky again. Caressing my piano gently I started to close my eyes and felt the keyboard to the tips of my fingers. My fingers glided perfectly without falter because by memory every note I press is just like a piece of a puzzle to me.

“This needs to…” whispering to myself in a low tone I press unto the note of my piano. I keep on taking notes every now and then, looking back and forth to sort things out and although my hair is kind of in the way on my eyes. Then, I noticed something glint to the corner of my studio. My phone is vibrating crazily on the duvet couch as I took an exhausted sigh before rolling my chair to the center table.

Unlocking my phone I brave myself for those texts that may come again. (Namjoon once said I needed to relax and maybe it got send to a wrong number but he has his doubts too. I would never tell him the contents of the messages though.) Opening it up I saw a familiar looking name.

I waited until my eyes got blurry, leaning too much to the screen and waiting for her to reply. My heart is just so fast it runs a mile ahead, that’s odd this got me excited all of a sudden without any reason at all...

I almost fell out of my chair.

First of all it’s 2 am in the morning, knowing she’s awake makes me all wonder why, and second of all why me?

It was just surprising –really, really, surprising—event that I never thought of happening. The fact she messaged me straight away too is an eye opener to me, she really is going to do this in the middle of the night asking for help. I’m really not that kind of person who will reject a request right away, but I worry at the same time.

I try to calm my vision, my chest, the way sit and just lay down on my chair a bit too much. I started to think of ways to even reply back,

‘Hey…good evening Ms.-‘

An idiot would reply like that Yoongi, can you at least try harder.

‘Oh, you’re Wendy right?’

Erase that part you’re going to look like you forgot her name already.

Another ping of notifications sent me in distress as I try to breathe in and out slowly. Namjoon suggest that to me whenever I’m stressed and, for the first time forever, it didn’t work. I closed my eyes and chant so many encouraging cheers for myself. I wanted to laugh at how silly I look; even in my own alone time I manage to get sillier.

 

I jumped out of my seat to notice Wendy probably thinks I’m choking out of air, so I remain to compose myself and just let myself cut some slack, Wendy is a friend, relax Yoongi…relax.

 

Already?.. Yoongi Min, are you even serious…

 

 

I’ve always take risks in my life, almost every day I get to be living dangerously with all of my choices and decisions. But this one is the most of them all that I have encountered. I don’t know what to say and do. Staring at the screen, I gulped hard and pursed my lips in. I was a nervous wreck and was out of breath. And even though I had doubts Wendy looks like she just really wanted help, besides we’re artists and friends, I would like to actually know her more on the friends field.

I stare too long at the screen, trying to think of places to even go, because at this time we don’t need to attract any attention, we really shouldn’t. So without any further, I try to reply back with my hands typing on the phone, hitching my breathe I hope for the best to come. I smiled a bit at the message I sent though throughout these events, it makes me calm somehow that a new person is suddenly asking for something.

 

I look around under my hoodie in search for Wendy’s petite frame. Leaning my back against a wall I started to get nervous around the place. I told her that we’re going to meet at a book café near Myeongdeong, besides I haven’t really visited that place that much since last summer. That was actually my go-to place to relax, back then members don’t know anything about me being into books it just comes to me often now because of Namjoon’s interesting yet deep novels he would read once in awhile whenever we have time to relax. I roam my eyes around and keep checking my wristwatch.

I hope no one’s gonna jump on me anytime, my members doesn’t know I’m here and knowing my manager he’s probably gonna put me on ban on escaping, yet again, but this risk is something new to me so I’d like to just relax just little bit more before reality hits me in the face.

Time check it’s actually 2:15 in the morning already, good thing I wore this long coat to just hide myself even though it’s dark at such an hour I was still on alert with everyone following us. Wendy never said on any detail pertaining to what she wears, she just says she’s gonna meet me at the front door of the book café, and to be honest it’s making me a nervous wreck. I check my hair of a mess head, my shoes and my face if it’s actually decent enough to be seen by a girl whom I just met.

Trying to look myself at the mirror on the car that is parked in front of me I try to make different greetings in my head. Would she be weird out? Is my hair okay? How awkward am I really? I should really snap out of it. Closing my eyes, I try to count something in my head but it doesn’t help either.

The sound of the silent, deafening atmosphere around me isn’t helping either I was on the loose. And before I could even check my watch again for the umpteenth time that day I saw someone. Her height was probably around my shoulder. Her hair was in a high ponytail although I couldn’t see her quite clearly so I squint a little bit more. She was starting to look around and probably searching for someone that was finally my signal to know that was Wendy.

Before I could even get the suspicious looks from other people I suddenly lowered my head down, tucking my hands inside of coat’s pocket and saw her brown locks from up close, she didn’t dye her hair the last time I saw her but I can see some bits of highlights around the color of her hair. My heart skips a beat ridiculously. Yoongi is actually blushing and being shy around girls, I have established that ever since but this one is surprisingly different.

I blushed profusely at that thought, almost tripping a bit before I approach her and get ready for my awkward smile that’s going to end this friendship too quickly. Opening my mouth to say something, I suddenly got surprised she turns around and saw her eyes….

How many beats does it take for my heart to calm down?

She has her mask on too, she knows how risky it is gladly enough, she has a maroon blouse over a black cardigan and a simple jeans. I stuttered before she smiles lightly at me, I can see it through her eyes. She was extending her hand out; whispering something to me.

“Should we go inside?”

Uh…yes... I mean...

I leaned in trying to hear her question, nodding a bit and suddenly realizing how close I was.

“Yes!” my high pitch voice suddenly got some attention and I get embarrassed more and more, trying to hide my face. She calmly nods back at me and shakes her head, maybe for my idiocy, and gets inside, me behind her as I watch her side profile.

She has her makeup off, it was bare I noticed, she doesn’t look any different the last time I saw her and although half of her face is hidden I can actually see a tint of blush on her cheeks, she has long pretty eyelashes, whenever she closes her eyes every so softly it feels like a graceful wings flapping.

Before I could catch my breath, Wendy glances at me with a slight tilt of her head, “Hey, lead the way Suga-shiie..”  The way my name roll off her tongue effortlessly is making me shyer. I hugged my coat to myself and close my eyes tight to know this isn’t a dream thank you very much.

Stuttering, I nod my head at her unsure of what to do, “Y-yeah…here...” I opened the door for her and she was cute surprised and look back at me as I entered as well.

I hear Wendy swoon in amazement as she enters the café. I guess it didn’t occur to me how it’s her first time that night. I remember she’s from one of the most established companies here in Korea so the limited time they get to go out is really depressing. I was proud of myself, that moment though when I saw how much spark she has in her eyes, it speaks to me on a different feeling: it was inviting and calming.

“This…is a nice place…” Wendy has a soft voice, perfect for how she looks. I tried to divert myself into looking around as well I can sense she was looking at me so I tried playing it cool, ‘try to be cool’ Taehyung said to me, looking down a bit at the brown wooden kind of floors that is designed in this place.

“Yeah it is,” I walked around along with her, roaming around the café as we awkwardly stood beside each other. The book café isn’t really that large, isn’t really small either, it’s just a fair amount of an area around here in Seoul. It consists of tables placed in a stylish matter, the shelves behind the second room is where all the books are located, comfortable couch are placed at the corners of the place, perfect for readers to just relax and chill for awhile.

Not my heart though, it was never near that state.

Wendy offered that she should get some drinks on our first meeting, I insisted a lot on this since I don’t want to bother her and besides I was the one who asked to meet here, but her eyes are so truthfully enticing that sometimes I have to look away and blurt random things to her.

“I’m sorry I was so late… I had to…”

Escape?

“Go out of the dorms, it was late at night too.” I and Wendy are located at the back of the book café to draw out attention from any suspicious eyes that will probably lead us to something even more scandalous. I glanced at her and sip on my coffee that she offered. (She smiles the whole time at me when she took off her mask, I was stunned to see her like this up close and personal on a level I have to double check if I’m becoming too red on my face.) I looked at the paintings that are displayed at the walls. I was good at pretending I’m cool.

“Hey, about the song,” I started to get the conversation coming, although I can feel the incoming blush on my cheeks, “How come you message me right through?”

Wendy stopped slurping at the middle of the conversation and laughs shyly, “I was just…wondering, because I’m actually interested in composing and producing these days.” She looks sad for a small amount of time until her eyes lit up and suddenly looks into mine, now she seems hopeful, “And I knew you produce songs...”

“Ah, I’m honored Wendy-shii-“

“Seungwan…”

I peered at her and knot my eyebrows together.

“Just call me Seungwan…” She chuckles lightly at me before returning to her drink, she glances at me though before I can say something, “I think we don’t need to be that formal to each other...” she continued and I unknowingly chuckled along.

“Yeah, well you should at least call me Yoongi then.” I replied with a low hum and a playful tone, she laughs at the statement I made and suddenly felt lightheaded, I was never into really cheeky conversations like this but somehow it works with her. Wen- Seungwan was easily to talk to, it was really going good even though I’m awkward at stuffs like these.

“Well, Yoongi,” she emphasizes my name and I like it just effortlessly rolls of her tongue even more when she says my name, “Thank you for taking your time to actually accept my request… I never thought you would answer…” she sips on her drink a little bit silent this time.

At this I stared at her, it’s like I’ve been hit with a rock in my chest to know that. The atmosphere around the café is making it more enlightened; the songs that were playing on a radio didn’t go left unnoticed on my behalf.

“I’m actually thankful you sent me a message…” I stared at her, she looks back at me, and it came off naturally, “You know I’ve been going crazy to the studio lately.”

“Oh really, you;ve been working on something?” her eyes was lighting up, interested I faced her fully and rub my nape out of embarrassment.

“Yeah.. . I do actually…” I replied with a hushed tone and she listened to me and I finally dare enough to face her. “But luckily you pulled me out with it, and here we are.” We both laugh at the same time. I noticed how she bites the end of the straw too much, noticed a lot of things too, like how her cheeks would lift up in excitement by me talking about various things. Seungwan always have said she wants to work with a producer and extends her knowledge and it isn’t such a bad thing to actually learn with her.

Seungwan stared at me before she took a sip and rest her chin unto her palms, “I mean, it’s really fascinating to know your songs..”

“You’ve been a fan huh?” I was ecstatic and curious.

“Yeah, I’ve been actually..” swirling her straw into her half empty cup she slightly cast a light hearted smile at me. I felt my world starts to get slower every time the clock ticks.

“Well, again, I’m honored.” I awkwardly chuckle because I don’t really know what to do, mom always said that girls are flowers that are needed to be taken care of, they needed reassurance and something light to accompany them, Mom can you help your son out?

“It’s kind of like I’m really shy, about meeting you and stuff like that.” Seungwan grins at me a bit, “But I’m glad we get on a good page. This place though it’s amazing. You’ve been here before.”

“every summer actually, just a hang out place whenever I’m stressed.” My heart was beating too fast as I replied and Seungwan is interested more. “Oh, that’s really nice to actually come here.” She looks around, curious and then looks at me with softness gleaming around her eyes. I almost melted immediately and if it already existed in real life I’ll be actually melting.

“I just read whats best to read when I’m bored…” I try to shrug my awkwardness away although I can tell Seungwan can see right to my foolery.

She chuckles, might be thinking I’m actually so weird when she laughs suddenly and shakes her head, “I don’t think that’s lame,” she continued as she hum at me, “I think it’s really cool. I always wanted to read books with some coffee, just a regular one really.”

At this I perked my ears up, my eyes were wide. “I…I like the same coffee actually...” way to go to ruin this already cool conversation.

“I like them too, really, you know nothing too fancy.” Seungwan has this look in the eyes that are so alluring and to me it’s kind of welcoming to me, I’m glad my heart can be at ease at the same it’s starting to quiver at every look she gives.

“Really…do you like to you know for fun, maybe meet up again… we don’t know yet...”

“I would love that to be honest, I don’t get to go out of the house a lot.” She was swaying and I smiled at her actions, “I rarely go out and meet anyone cause I’m a homebody...”

“Homebody?” I questioned rather interestingly, and sip my empty cup trying to act cool, remember we must act cool right?

“Yes, and Yoongi you’re cup is empty by the way…” she quickly dismissed and I immediately froze in my seat.

This is the time where she would laugh and say I’ll cancel everything.

“It’s okay, I try to act cool too.” She claps at me playfully on how silly I look and I peek at her shyly, and you know what it actually do wonders when I’m being caught in the act, I go along with her comfortably and I was surprised as how we go well together.

“Yoongi tour me around the place.” She suddenly said to me while I stood up taking my coat, the fact we’re talking about a song here suddenly got forgotten and I couldn’t help but smile so wide in front of her. She was taking her cardigan too, hanging it on her arms as she goes beside me, looking up at me with such gentleness.

 

I started to navigate her throughout the place and suddenly got a lot of interest in books, I first let her check out everything as we stayed on the shelves, taking one book I started to flip the pages but slowly shifted my gaze to her side profile.

“You know we should read together here, maybe It’ll spark some book ideas…” Seungwan was talking about songs we could create and I can’t help but to smile slowly at the thought. I hummed at every reply I give to her but I still look at her, holding a book I don’t even read and just stare at her.

Something inside my chest swells up, not for the fact that this space is so close, not for the fact I’m here with her, it’s because of something else I can’t explain. Seungwan’s voice was so easy to listen to. I can actually close my eyes and just listen every day. I nodded at her as she talks enthusiastically.

“I never get to do this a lot, thank you Yoongi...”

Then my name was called, my name that was so foreign to some on first meetings starts to get easy for her to say. I hum again and out of nowhere I actually soften at her. “No problem…Seungwan…” it was weird yet at the same time a satisfying to feel when saying her name. It’s almost familiar, feels like home.

And before I could even talk furthermore Seungwan laughed at me, and I start to get confused, “Why?”

“Your book is upside down Yoongi...”

Back to being not a cool, Yoongi.

 I shake my head because of my silliness and shrug it off as Seungwan asks some question. I answer them a lot because talking to her is actually so light and so familiar it almost feel like we’ve known each other for years.

“Someone recommended me this book actually,” Seungwan lend out a book about Time, and I took it out of her grasp, “It was an interesting read... “

“Did you finished it?” I skimmed through the pages as I heard Seungwan responded,

“Sadly, I didn’t.” she caresses her fingers unto the books. I smiled suddenly out of nowhere. “I got busy for most of the time…”

“I can lend you this…” I suddenly got closer to her and my air just cut short out of nowhere. She was even more breathtaking I have to admit.

“Really? Well.. If it isn’t really bothersome…and the songs… I could really use some inspirations...” she stuttered for the most part of the sentence but I assure her quickly.

“It’s really okay, we will definitely meet up again…”I got wishful eyes as I tuck my hands onto my pocket. She was looking at me so fondly and strangely enough her eyes got glossy, “yes we will, silly… I actually like this place you know. Thank you for that..”

Seungwan keeps on skimming through the books while I watched her, it makes me comfortable and at ease as I saw her back. I secretly purchased the book she was referring and even though I was embarrassed to do a lot of stupid things (I almost tripped when I was showing off to reach a book from the highest shelve, please don’t laugh) I still feel like Seungwan is a long lost person I knew from the start.

“I’ll bring you to a lot place..” I actually got into my feelings that I said it out loud. Seungwan arched her eyebrows and grins softly at me. “Well, we can but first the songs, you know I like to hear your works…”

I was smiling too excitingly when we talked about the beat through another round of books and foods we started to order. Seungwan likes mellow and beats that is in my forte as well and I’m glad she loves the same thing that I like, it makes everything easier.

“I know you don’t like to actually being asked all of a sudden,” Seungwan took a bite of her bread, which I found adorable and stared at me as she smiles, “Do you like, like to sometimes teach me how to make beats too?”

I shook my head as I dipped my bread into the sauce, trying to brush off my stupid grin. “Yeah, you know we’re here for beats after all, and songs…” I know Seungwan’s voice is versatile in a way she can fit into any songs and that makes me really glad I had this talk with her.

“That’s really good, we can work together you know...” she suddenly looks excited but suddenly looks down at her plate. “-but in secret of course..”

How unfortunate we can’t actually announce all of this, but I cheered her on, who knows it might actually happen. “I think that can be arranged…” before I can even say something Seungwan was beaming at me. She has this smile that so affectionate I, unknowingly, smile too.

“You have really cool songs, and hey I’m glad to just like be with you talking like this…”

I’m happier Seungwan…

“Of course… hey, you can have the book I was talking about.”

Seungwan gasped a bit before I bring her the book she was talking about, she was grateful and it shows in her eyes, I nodded and handed her the book and our fingers brushed, like a rush of electricity onto my skin, my hair stood up, it was an unexplainable but Seungwan retracted back her hands as she bows her head several times.

“Thank you so much! You know I’m always gonna be grateful right?”

I smiled softly and sighs out of breathe, I have the feeling we’ll be meeting more than once in my entire lifetime, and it’s amazing.

Strolling through the sidewalk along with Seungwan is the most comfortable thing I have ever done. She’s lively, keeps on talking about the songs that I gladly replied. The trip to the book café was the best night I have ever had. I’m really glad those risks took off into a good start.

It was cold in the misty air of November. I looked over at Seungwan to and stare at her for the longest time, halting to a stop right at the corner seeing her hugging her book closer to her chest.

“Thank you again, I really had fun...” she bows a bit with her head and I stop her before she can even do a full bow.

“Look, we’re friends now really, and it’s definitely okay,” I assured her and look around the cold atmosphere, Seungwan was shivering and I glanced at her quickly, “It’s getting late do you want me to go with you-“

“No, it’s okay,” Seungwan cuts me off, waves her hands in front of me as I insisted,

“It’s really late,” I keep on insisting, worried I try to offer my hand to her. She’s shivering but she kindly rejected the offer, she instead smiled at me in return, even softly hums through the windy breeze.

“We might get seen, so it’s okay really…. I’ll see you then...” it was a goodbye I don’t want to end.

Before I even argue with her she has a good point of us being seen. I just hesitantly let out a shaky breathe and worriedly glance at her before she departs. “Sure, just…message me once you’re safe.”

Seungwan’s blush intensified as she shyly chuckles. I, too blush at the thought of me saying that. Seungwan wave her small hand to a goodbye and I was upset that I couldn’t take her home. I wanted to ever since it’s shivering and it’s dangerously late at this hour.

Time check, it’s almost 4 in the morning.

Time went passing by talking to someone comfortably that I didn’t know were possible. I looked at Seungwan and safely followed her a bit as she bid her way goodbye, I lifted my hands a bit and with a low soft hum I bid the same way she did, only becoming more gloomy to see her figure fading into the distance.

“Bye…”

Going back to the studios I rubbed my hand to ease the cold weather outside, and even though it’s almost chilly outside I can’t help but to smile at the sudden rosy cheeks and bright smile that I got reminded of.

“Hyung…”

I look up still smiling but as soon as I saw the person my smile fades almost quickly as possible. Namjoon is standing at my door, leaning his back, he was carrying a plastic bag and he was looking down a bit at me.

“Can we talk?”

I don’t want to hear anything at this point I want to just ignore Namjoon. I went to go and get my keys from my pocket as I walk past him and suddenly he grabbed me by the arm.

“I know you went out…”

I quickly divert my gaze at Namjoon. My eyebrows knot together closely as I start to brush him off gently. “How did you know?” I asked trying to cover up myself even more.

“I saw you walk out of your studio, I’m going to give this to you,” Namjoon showed me the plastic bag. He was tired too I can tell, “Figured out you’re hungry and all that.”

I gaped my mouth a bit widely at Namjoon and shake it off, trying to unlock the door Namjoon leans on my side a bit and sighs heavily.

“Is that Wendy?” Namjoon asked and examined my face, it’s one thing I hate about Namjoon that he can actually tell what I feel, he can read me easily like a book and I somehow forget that. “Hyung, it’s dangerous nowadays, knowing you, you might get caught.”

I glowered at him and snickered a bit, I was pissed off. I know what to do and not to do at this point, I can cover up anything.

“Namjoon, I know what I’m doing I’m trying to help he-“

“No, you’re trying to get her involved-“ Namjoon raised his voice higher for a bit, and I shivered not because of the atmosphere because everything seems heavy around this place.

I contemplate whether to fight with him or not but I remember that it’s already late. I’m too exhausted to fight with him or have this conversation at hand. Namjoon gave me the plastic bag before I can even say something. He exhaustingly runs his hand on his face and I scowl a bit at the action. Everyone is tired and I am too, this night is too perfect to be ruined.

“All I’m saying is hyung, try to be a little bit low on these…” Namjoon informed me before scoffing a bit, “-trying to date someone from the Big 3 is gonna back track on us...”

“I’d rather back track everything I do than to be confined on anything, I can do this Namjoon. And I’m just trying to help…” I was losing my voice in the middle of the conversation but everything seems to be a blur when I open the door, taking a one last look at Namjoon. His eyes are sad at the same time worried. This isn’t the first time we got into an argument. I slammed the door a bit too loud at his face and to be honest I’m too tired to deal with this.

Staring at the door, I breathe out the air I was keeping inside my chest. I knew I had to be careful but everyone seem to be constricting me to something I can do on my own will.

I’m already losing my sight as I became a bit aggravated at the situation at hand, I was anxious and mad. I never had this argument this deep with Namjoon ever since.

I try to shake it off as I slump on my couch almost exhausted. I look up at the ceiling of my studio and can’t help but to cover my face. It was puffy because of the weather and probably because of what happened earlier.

Ping

A ring suddenly diverted my attention away and I suddenly shuffled into my position and almost hit my knee on the table, grabbing my phone in the speed of light, I remembered Seungwan.

My heart is racing too fast for me to keep up as I opened the message. My eyes are wider than before, making me forget about the situation that happened earlier, although I’m still uneasy, Seungwan’s message suddenly lit the room up.

Before I even send it I feel like there is something missing, I look at the calendar at my desk.

NOVEMBER, TIME CHECK; 4:30 AM.

 

 

I suddenly plop on my couch, clutching my phone at my chest. I had this wide grin I can’t get rid of. I closed my eyes slowly, trying to get rid of the feeling I had once but it was intensified by the beating of my heart. I heard another ring on my phone, and I unknowingly smiled.

It’s going to be a long journey ahead.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

* QUESTIONS ARE OPEN / PM'S ARE OPEN ✉