A/N: I am someone that has no control over my ideas and how they take over me. So here I am writing something new but this shouldn’t be that long. A few chapters at most. As always enjoy readers. I’m trying something different writing wise, so hopefully it doesn’t end up super confusing to follow.

All of their friends tell Joohyun that she isn’t over Seulgi before even she can admit to herself. She has been in denial for some time. Lying to herself that she is over Seulgi. But can’t explain why she’s silently still keeping up with her on social media. She says it’s because she still worries about her. But that isn’t entirely true. She wants to know if Seulgi has moved on. If she’s found someone new. Someone who isn’t her.

The breakup itself went smooth. You sat her down, explained to her why you needed to end the relationship, told her that it wasn’t her fault and that you do love her. She listens, doesn’t speak back or protest why you want to do this. Seulgi pretended to take it well. But later you hear from Seulgi’s best friend Seungwan. That she had cried for hours after. Just as you knew that she would. You’ve known Seulgi for years, longer than anyone else, better than anyone else. You know her inside and out. You knew she was only pretending to take it well.

It’s also hard to really know how Seulgi is doing. Because even though you share the same close friends. Lines have been drawn in a way. And now you all can’t hang out together as one group, like you once could. Seulgi, with good reason is keeping her distance. Not from them but from you. Your friends Joy, Yeri, and especially Seungwan give you very vague answers. Always debating on what they can or should tell you.

“Joohyun, no offense but you’re not Seulgi's girlfriend anymore.” Joy tells you. Joy has always been closer to Seulgi, and is definitely being the protective friend right now.

“Joohyun, we know you aren’t exactly over Seulgi. But she’s really hurt right now, and you need to just give her some space.” The youngest, Yeri lets it be known.

“I just want to know if she’s okay.”

“She’s not, Joohyun.” Seungwan explains, and there are no other words necessary. You’ve never really needed much words when it came to Seulgi. You could understand her without needing her to tell you anything, and vice versa. If she isn’t okay it’s because of you.

“I’m worried about her.” translation “I still love her”

It’s difficult though to want to stay away. When you’ve been a part of someone’s life for so long as friends first, then lovers. When before you could just ask about how they are doing. Now you can’t and you’ve taken to cyberstalking them. Seeing her instagram and other social media sites, and all of her followers steadily climbing higher and higher. Checking to see if if her relationship status has changed at all. It still says single and you’re relieved for more reasons than one.

“You’re not over Seul and we all know that, Joohyun.” Seungwan tells you one day.

Deep down you know it’s true. But have yet to verbally announce it, and sometimes on your way to work you swear that you spot Seulgi. In her familiar converses and art portfolio bag hanging off her shoulder. You’re always sure that you see those familiar monolid eyes forming crescents. Only every time you look again you do see monolids. They aren’t actually familiar and it isn’t Seulgi at at all.

It’s difficult for your shared friends. Because now they have to split their time accordingly between you and Seulgi. You still don’t know much about what’s going on with her. Other than basic social media info she puts up.  You do find out she’s blonde now though, and she looks beautiful like always, even more so now.

“I know, I dont have the right to ask but is she dating or seeing anyone?”

On more than one occasion you have noticed the same names pop up. Kim Jisoo is following Kang Seul, or Eunae has liked Kang Seul’s post and others. Others who aren’t you. Seungwan has an unreadable expression like she’s thinking hard about what to do. Yeri and Joy are conveniently on their phones, not looking up.

"Is she?"

“Joohyun, we don’t know.” Joy does admit eventually.

And it’s really because they don’t know. Seulgi doesn’t discuss personal things with them anymore. Not like she once had. She’s very selective with what she shares.

“Whenever we see Seulgi. She doesn’t give up a lot of details, so we don’t know.” Yeri tells you honestly.

“Joohyun, you broke up with her, and we’re your friends too, but you need to leave Seul alone for now. You need to stop checking up on her like this.” Seungwan offers.

You can’t though. “I just worry about her.”

Translation I still love her.

You know for sure that Seulgi doesn’t want to talk to you. When you try to call her but you hear this.

“Sorry, the number you have reached is not in service”

Seulgi has changed her number, everyone has it but you. It hurts you that it’s come down to this. Stalking her online, looking at the photos that are posted, some being posted by other people. And although you really want to ask Seungwan for Seulgi’s new number. You know better to ask Seungwan to betray her best friend’s confidence. And you know it’s your fault anyway. Yet it doesn’t stop you from still re trying to call her. Hoping beyond hope that it’s not true. That Seulgi isn’t actually shutting just you out.

“Sorry, the number you have reached is not in service.”

Yes, it’s just you.

Lately you’ve noticed that Seulgi has been putting a lot more art work up. They are beautiful paintings and sketches as always. But, you notice the sadness within some of them. You’re probably without a doubt the reason why some of them are so empty, dark and sad. Why instead of warm, bright tones they are dark gray and lines are drawn with pain instead of easy, flowing marks. You did this and broke her heart. She is now expressing that through her art and songs. Posting short videos that get thousands of hits. The same names come up again.

KimJisoo: You’re amazing Seul! I love your voice

Eunae as well mentions how awesome Seulgi is. And several people are commenting, liking and retweeting to their friends. You could have been liking her art and covers of songs too. If only you weren’t blocked from doing so. It’s nearly 4 months into the breakup and you aren’t doing well and deep down you know neither is she. If only you could talk to her and make things right. You would give anything to make it right. In a state of desperation you ask Seungwan to pass along a message. The shorter blonde reluctantly agrees. She is your friend too. She admits though you probably shouldn’t get your hopes up. It’s a week later when you speak to Seungwan again.

“Did she read the letter?”

Seungwan looks sympathetic and it tells everything and nothing at once. She hands you back the purple envelope still sealed.

“She didn’t want to read it, I’m sorry.”

You nod wordlessly and take the letter placing it back into your purse. It’s meant for Seulgi to read so you will hold on to it. For however long it takes you will hold on to this letter.

“Is she okay though, Wan?”
 

“She’s keeping busy, and she says she’s fine but…”

“She isn’t.”

“No.” Seungwan agrees. “She isn’t.”
 

You wonder again if you should ask for Seulgi’s new number. You want to but deep down you know better. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Seulgi shutting you out and you’re not being able to reach her. It feels wrong and you desperately want to fix things. You want your girlfriend back. You still love and want her back, more than anything.

“Seungwan, I…”

“Joohyun, listen, I know you still love Seul. I just think the best thing you could do now is just give her space.”

You respect that Seulgi needs space. Yet it doesn’t ease the fact that you love and want her back so badly.

“She’s heartbroken, Joohyun.”

That’s when you think. “I am too.”

Sometimes, though Seulgi doesn’t look so heartbroken. There are pictures of her holding hands with the girl Kim Jisoo, posted by a friend of theirs named Lisa. The hashtag says “Unnies in love” and you find yourself unable to look away although it hurts. They look genuinely happy too, smiling about something. And from the looks of things they also have no idea the photo was snapped. They look so focused on whatever it is they are seeing, and their joined hands. No, you can’t look at this. But then again maybe it means nothing, after all Seulgi’s status still says single. It hasn’t changed yet so perhaps Jisoo is just a friend. After all you two were friends for a long time too and held hands.

With you two it was always different though. You’d hold hands, hug and you’d cling onto Seulgi for dear life whenever you were scared or even when you weren’t. You’d especially cling on to her when you weren’t. Seulgi was always so warm and cuddly. You loved how her arms felt around you or how it felt to cuddle in bed. You loved it so much you realized this was more than just skinship between two friends. This was love. You loved Seulgi more than friends.

You could tell from how your heart races anytime Seulgi is near you. You knew when your heart sped up whenever she isn’t with you. She could make you blush all the time, a lot, relentlessly. Your face still feels hot even now when you think of how frequently she told you how beautiful you were. You knew from the moment that you wanted no one else to hold you as much as you wanted Seulgi to. And when you’d get so lost in warm, mono lidded eyes and easily distracted by her pink lips whenever she spoke to you, or didn’t speak to you.

You may not be seeing her in person now. Yet that changes nothing about how you feel. You love Kang Seulgi, you’ve never stopped and you have no doubts that you won’t ever stop. She is the one, your soulmate and other half. You made a huge mistake when you broke up with her. Now all you want to do is fix it.

“I still love her.” you finally admit it out loud. No more hiding away or pretending to be over her.

“I still love her.” you repeat because it feels so good to say it out loud again. You need to tell Seulgi. She needs to know that you aren’t over her and you’re sorry. You want her back and will never hurt her again. She means everything. She is your world and you want your world back.

It is on a Saturday where you see Seulgi for sure. You know her walk, memorized in your brain and heart as well. Her newly blonde hair only enhances her already gorgeous features. She doesn’t look sad now as it looks to be waiting outside of the restaurant for someone. This could be your chance to talk to her. All you have to do is move, walk over and try to get her to talk to you. Only when your foot moves someone calls out to her.

“Seul, hey! Were you waiting long?” a purple haired girl. Kim Jisoo, you would recognize her anywhere because she’s all over Seulgi’s social medias. She is very pretty in person. Somehow you knew that she would be because her photos are beautiful. Some of those photo’s taken by Seulgi herself. You are familiar with how good Seulgi is at photography. She’s taken quite a few pictures of you. Capturing you in the perfect light, the perfect pose and always without fail told you how truly beautiful you are. You still have some of those photos too, like when she took one of you asleep in her bed, and sitting on the beach watching the sunset. Just to name a few.

But that’s when you see Seulgi smile. Her genuine smile, with eyes forming crescents. The smile you have always loved. Only now it’s not directed at you.

“Hi Jichu, no I just got here.” she waits until Jisoo finally gets to her, and the purple-haired girl hugs her tightly. It’s very similar to how you would have hugged her.

“I’ve missed you, you have no idea.” Jisoo tells her.

That sounds intimate. It doesn’t sound just like two friends at all, so you try to remember that Seulgi’s relationship status has still said single. The last time you checked.

“I missed you too.” Seulgi responds. She places her arm around her waist then leads the way inside. That definitely looks intimate.

“Hey, are you hungry? This place has really good noodles.”

“I’m starving, let’s go.”

You focus on Seulgi’s relationship status, it said single. So she must be single despite how that looked right now. Seulgi still has to be single. God, you hope so. Jisoo is not her girlfriend even though it looks like she might be. You still hear Seulgi’s “I missed you too”. Only it is not directed at you. It’s not for you.

“I miss you too, Seulgi.” you whisper to no one. You leave, Seulgi won’t be talking to you tonight.

One day at lunch with Joy, Yeri, and Seungwan you ask again. “Is she dating or seeing anyone?”

They look at you with varying degrees of pity, sympathy, and understanding.

“Joohyun, we don’t know. Seulgi won’t talk to us about those things anymore,  I’m sorry.” Yeri tells you first.

“I just need to know….” your voice comes out shakier than you would have wanted.

“Joohyun, I can try to ask her again but she really won’t to talk to us anymore, not about that.” Joy mentions.

“I’m sorry to bother you all but, it’s important that I know….” you’re going to start crying soon, you know it. Your throat feels like it will close up on you, your eyes are starting to burn with unshed tears.

Seungwan shows you her phone, dating back a week ago. Where she is having a text message conversation with Seulgi.

Wannie: Seul, have you been okay? Really okay? I feel like I haven’t really had the time to talk to you. You’ve been keeping busy lately.

“Kkang Sseul: I am busy. But busy is good, and you know I’m never too busy to talk to you Wan. What’s up?

Seulgi sounds so distant, though. You can tell in her messages that something is missing or disconnected. Seungwan can tell too based on what her message says back.

Wannie: I’m worried about you. I know you’re trying to be strong right now but you don’t have to be. Joy, Yeri and I are here for you Seul, always.

Kkang Sseul: I know Wan. Please believe I am fine, okay. I’m not so alone that I don’t have people to talk to.

Wannie: Does that mean you're dating again?

Kkang Sseul: It means that I have people I can talk to.

It’s so vague. It’s not a confirmation but it’s also not a denial. And the first few tears drop from your eyes and rapidly come faster.

“So, what do you think guys?” you ask through tears. “Is she dating someone else?”

“Joohyun?”

“I, just….I love her. I love her so much and I want her back.”

Your friends surround you as you start crying harder. You feel them hug and tell you that everything will be okay. You aren’t sure if you believe it though. Not unless you can get Seulgi back. Not until you can right all of your wrongs. She is your world and you can’t be okay until you get your world back.

A/N: Okay, so I’m going to try to wrap this story up in 4 chapters or so. If you’ve read and or found this interesting I hope so. And hope it wasn’t too confusing to follow. Thanks for reading.