he's not sure where to start.

he's sober now, and much more alert towards the figure beside him, their bodies snug and warm under the blanket, the other waiting for him to start speaking. they said they'd talk, that was the plan. suddenly, he wanted out. curse handsome men and their ability to make you forget all your bad decisions.

he took a deep breath, trying to calm the raging storm inside his chest (and his raging head ache). this really was too much for him but lo and behold, he simply had to meet everyone's expectations of him and if minhyun expected him to talk, he'll talk. "h...how much do you know....." he trails off, unsure if he really wants to hear the answer, but it's a start. at least this way, he doesn't have to talk as much.

"probably everything?" the other replies, a short hum following after as he shifts in his position ever so slightly to lean against jonghyun, the side of their heads knocking against each other gently. "you started by telling me about high school." jonghyun let out a small groan as soon as he'd heard the words high school. there was never anything noteworthy about his high school experience, besides the fact that it was probably the worst years of his life. or rather, some  of? he's had worse days, he supposes. 

--

"jonghyun-ah, cheer up!" 

"stop looking so glum, jonghyun-ah."

"are you depressed? you're depressed, aren't you?"

"what would you expect from the top student...."

barely anyone even exchanged greetings with him, opting to rather comment on his appearance and nature instead. he was quiet, laid back, and never really bothered interacting with others. some called him creepy, some called in an introvert. the latter was probably more correct, but given that he's developed a habit of staring when lost in his thoughts, he can't really deny the former, either. his entire high school life he couldn't escape the stigma of him being a depressed creep, the bespectacled ert, the pretentious top student. and that's all he knew about himself since then (though he's ditched the glasses and opted for contacts).

--

"then in college, you said you thought you found yourself." minhyun continues, making no moves to change their position. 

college, for jonghyun, was his time to shine. it was his chance to start anew in an environment that was so different from his last. where no one knew the old him, no one knew the box he was trying so hard to break out of. though, in the end, it only caused him more trouble than he thought, more confusion implanted into his psyche as he went through the four years of self-torture. he broke out of a box only to find himself in an even bigger and stronger one. he didn't think he could break it then, and a part of him still says he hasn't.

-- 

he thought he found his real self this time around, his newly debuted fashion sense and contact lenses making it seem like the world was ten times brighter than it really was. he still had top marks, studying his off while trying to keep a solid circle of friends.

by the time he's in his second year, he's joined a dance club with his classmate from marketing ethics (his name was minki and the first time he saw him, he thought he was a painting). suddenly, he found a passion within himself that he didn't know he had. finally, he thinks, he's found himself.

by the time he's on the path of graduation, his entire world falls apart. it's not the first time, that's obvious, but the internal collapse of his world had never affected his reality in this way before. "jonghyun, we're getting a divorce." his mom tells him as soon as he gets home from college, his backpack falling to his side as he stares at them in shock. "do you want to stay with one of us or would you rather live alone? we'll still support you financially, don't worry." his father adds, in a tone that matches the tone he takes when he reads aloud the news during breakfast.

he thought they were a normal family. he thought they were okay, in a sense. though he's never really attuned himself to the feelings of others, he thinks. it's his fault; he didn't see it coming and he should've.

"jonghyun-ah, you haven't been coming to the club much anymore, huh." minki tells him once, over coffee as they crammed their paper together at a nearby starbucks.

"i don't have the time." he tells him, though really he's lost all interest. he doesn't have the time and energy to do something that won't benefit his future in any way, he tells himself, reasoning out why he slowly backed out even though he knew in his heart he'd finally found something he could dedicate his life to. but he knew better. he knew it wouldn't bring in much.

it hurt him that over the course of their last year in college, he's lost touch with so many people