“I made a stupid mistake.”

“You had . It can’t be a mistake.”

“I shouldn’t have. I know that he was coming but I was having fun. There were some drinks, food, and maybe some grass involved and before I knew it, I was having .”

“With Jiyong.”

“Yes, Bom.”

“So tell me, was it good?”

“What the , Bom. You’re not hearing me.”

“I see nothing wrong with it. You’re single. He is, for now. You’re not cheating on anyone. And even if you say he’s like your own brother, it still isn’t . Having isn’t such a bad thing. So what if Donghae saw you? It’s not like he’s still your boyfriend and he caught you cheating on him. You had with Jiyong. Deal with it.”

“Deal with it.”

“Yes. No matter what you say, I think it’s great that you’re actually getting any. My boyfriend isn’t even in Korea now so I’m not getting any kind of at all.”

“I had with Jiyong.”

“Stop trying to make me jealous.”

“I was imagining I was with Donghae the entire time.”

“Well, that .”

“Stupid mistake, right?”

“I’d say a very big one too, boo.”

***

PRESENT

Super Junior wrapped up for the day, feeling satisfied with the outcome of their upcoming album. Hugs and pats on the back were shared and the little disagreement between Donghae and Hyukjae was already forgotten.

Fights are vile and sneaky bastards that break apart brotherhoods. They weren’t going to let fights get the best of them. Back in the day, they would duke it out but ever since they finished their enlistment, their was a remarkable growth in Hae’s and Hyuk’s maturity.

“I’m sorry for the outburst awhile ago. I was a little carried away, man.” Donghae apologized to Hyuk and the latter just laughed.

“Well, that’s just how it is when you’re passionate about something. Anyway, what do you think about rap lyrics for One More Chance?”

“You really put yourself in my shoes, eh? It was perfect. I’m really touched that you all seem to care about this song so much.” Hae said.

“This means so much to you...and to us, too.” Hyuk just replied, whistling as he finally took off.

Hae was thankful that Hyuk tried his best to understand where his stand still is regarding Dara. What had happened a couple weeks ago with Jiyong had not impacted the way he thought of her. Yes, it would be a lie if he was to say that he didn’t feel any pang of pain when he found out that Dara was already sleeping with somebody else and not him. He knew whatever pain or bitterness he felt had to be swallowed and forgotten with just for the sole reason that he had no right to feel those anymore.

But even with that change, Hae will never deny that Dara had definitely earned his loyalty and his respect.

At the very end, it had all boiled down to the little things.

After the practice, he told his manager to go home because he had to go somewhere to get a breath of fresh air. It was a long day and he just had the longest and the most grueling weeks of his life. He needed some time alone to think.

And what better place than Han River is there to think about the little things?

***

He ran and ran until everything in his surroundings became a blur. He ran until his lungs were in danger of collapsing. He ran until the wind threatened to snap open his back and snip away his clothes. He ran until he could hear his chest breathe louder than his heartbeats.

He ran.

And ran.

And ran.

Until he stopped.

“More.” He told himself, hands on his tired knees as he almost keeled over. Rising up, he took a deep breath before he took off again.

***

His heart was racing when he finally reached the bank of the river.

The forecast said it was going to rain tonight but he didn’t care as he sat on the ground with his knees bent against his chest.

He thought of how lovely the Han is. The cityscape that was overlooking the river reminded him of merry little Christmas lights he already should have set up in his apartment. He was here a few weeks ago when the dating news about them swept through all the media.

Funny how he was here for a similar situation again. This time, just a tad bit different.

“I was wondering if I would find you here. And I was right.”

Hae turned and saw her walking towards him. “What are you doing here?”

“I was looking for you. These days I find myself looking for you. And now, I found you.”

“Oh.”

“You don’t want me here, do you?”

Blank face.

“You don’t like me sitting next to you now, do you?”

Eerie silence.

“You don’t want me to talk to you, do you?”

Careless shrug.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“You can stay.” He finally replied, turning his back on her. When they were still together, they used to sit like this--with their backs against each other-- when they were mad at each other but not mad enough for them to be in the same place at the same time.

“I know what you must be thinking when you saw Jiyong in the apartment when you came.”

“You really don’t have to explain yourself. I get it, you know. You’re single and you’ve moved on. And you’ve chosen to move on with him. That was as clear as crystal to me.”

“The --”

“Please, don’t.”

“We had .”

“I know. And I don’t want to hear the details. I’ve been in the same position as him before.”

“No, you haven’t. That’s why you need to know. We had . Jiyong and I did it but the whole time I wasn’t seeing him.”

“Dara, just stop. Please.”

“We were drunk and I guess you could say in my misery, I longed for some companionship. And he was there. But in my mind, he wasn’t.”

“What are you saying?”

“All I could see was you. I thought he was you. I know that you must think I’m crazy and I know it’s totally inappropriate to kiss and tell but I’m telling anyway. The whole time I was with him, I was thinking of you.”

Well, damn.

***

It was raining now.

And they found themselves, backs against each other, not talking and looking up the sky. It was as if the heavens were crying for the words both of them were afraid to speak. Pools of sorrow puddle underneath their toes and soak up in their clothes but there they stayed, thinking about what she had just confessed to him.

“It was so easy to love you.” He finally spoke. “All my friends questioned me about my undying loyalty and love for you. They never understood why I’d stick by you even when your presence drifted away when I needed you most. I but did. I understood. Because it was the way it was.”

It really was the way it was.

He sat motionless, thinking about the first time he had met her. He felt a punch in the gut because he had the biggest crush on her and she was already with someone else. He was bashful, shameful, unafraid to show his affections for her and yet she didn’t see.

She was oblivious to the fact that she had that power over him. It wasn’t her beauty that reeled him in. It was her genuine smile and kind heart that robbed him.

It was the little things.

It was how her eyes would light up whenever he came over to visit with Hye Sun. It was how she’d listen to his corny jokes to impress her. It was how she’d find the time to reply to him in CyWorld. It was how she’d let him listen to MYMP songs because for her, not listening to them would be an injustice.

It was when we had met again that I saw her in emotional tatters over that guy who had cheated on her. It was when she had cried on my shoulder because of that and used my sleeve to blow her little nose.It was when she had been accepted in YG that she called him to let him know her dreams are already starting to come true.

It was how she showed up, unannounced, to comfort him at wake of his father. It was how she had spoken highly of the people she loved and respected.

It was how she had his back and supported him when he told her he wanted not only to sing songs but to write them. It was how she’d patiently listen to songs he played around with. It was how she’d stay up late in the night to practice his lines with him whenever he was given an acting break.

It was when she had accepted the necklace he bought her and told him she wouldn’t wear it for anybody but him. It was when she had stolen some of his crisp white shirts and shamelessly wear them every time they meet because apparently those aren’t just his, they were hers, too.

It was when she felt the need to introduce all of her pets to him by having him over for dinner with them.

It was how she’d try her best to not wear her heart on her sleeve. He found that so beautiful that she thought he couldn’t see it when he really could.

It was when she’d left him all alone in the road when she first realized he really wished for them to be together and how she came back to tell him she felt the same way too.

It was when she attempted to cook him a romantic dinner and ended up burning the food. He remembered she had called for delivery and tried to pass their food as her own. He let her get away that time, even complimenting her how good she had cooked her chicken after I had seen the store box it came from in my garbage bin.

It was when she’d write to him when he was still serving and how she’d try to come by the station to feed him and his police friends. It was when he’d visit his mother and brother and just hang out whenever she can. It was when she had tried very hard to please s when they had grilled her over and over that night he had finally introduced her as his girlfriend to them.

And most especially, it was how she’d wrap her arms around him and kiss his chin before telling him just how much she loves him.

It was those little things that made her very easy to love.

Yes, they had their misgivings. Their love wasn’t perfect. The grandness, the affection, the presence, gradually, they had started to dwindle down and here they are now, broken, staring into space as they let the raindrops wash their love away.

“It was so easy to love you, Dara. And that is why it is so difficult for me to see you like this, right now.”

***

“I can’t see the stars.” I stated after what seemed like years.

“That’s what happens when the rain leaves. It takes everything with them and leave people with darkness.”

“I thought there’s always a rainbow after the rain.”

“Not during the night. During the night, you get left in a pit of darkness you couldn’t even escape from.”

“That’s awfully sad.”

Yes, it really is.

***

“How’s the comeback preparations going?”

“It’s been going well. Tensions are high but everything is going just fine. We’ve been working really hard on the songs, actually.”

“I’ve been watching SuJu Returns.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“What do you think of it?”

“Do you want my opinion as someone who knows you or as a fan?”

Hae laughed. “Both.”

“As a fan, I find you guys to be hilarious. But of course, you already knew that. But as someone who knows stuff about you, I know that you’ve been through a lot in this particular comeback. Super Junior is a league on its own. I don’t doubt that you’ll pull through in November.”

“Well, we have to. We owe it to the fans. And you’re right, we’ve been through a lot. Some are still serving and others can’t join the comeback this time. It’s hard to be coming back knowing that there’s a lot more at stake here.”

“I hear you.”

“But nonetheless, we’re persevering. It’s hard, but all we need to do is to push through.”

“You’re excited about this comeback, aren’t you?”

“Well…”

“Tell me honestly.”

“Yes, I am. But I’m more worried than I am excited. We’ve rallied through so much and we have been championing setbacks. I know that being in the industry for this long doesn’t necessarily indicate the show’s success indicate the album’s success but I wish that fans get to appreciate what we’ve all worked so hard for. I tend to be more on the carefree side before but I've treated this comeback like it’s a masterpiece so...yeah. It's tough but I'm hanging. I blab a lot, I'm sorry--”

“No, no, no. This is nice. Listening to you is nice.”

Shifting sideways, he looped an arm around Dara’s shoulders and she immediately tilted her head to rest against his chest. “You’re drenched.”

“Will say the same for you. You can't get sick. You have a comeback to prepare for.”

“And you're busy with your schedules, too. We both can't get sick.”

“Do you want to leave?”

“Do you want to?”

“No. Let's stay for a bit.”

“Just a bit.”

***

I don't know why we’re doing what we’re doing now; talking comfortably, sitting ever so closely, and throwing jokes around like the happy wind in a raging storm. But somehow, I was still here, sitting and listening as he prepared himself to sing some lines from this song he composed.

“Do you want to listen to it?” He said randomly.

I gave him a wry smile, catching my own breath, and nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

“Come here.” He said, opening his arms and pulling her to him, making her sit between his legs.

“I don't think that--”

“Let me hold you just this once.”

Yes, please.

I let him. As I settled in his lap, I felt him touch the tendrils of my wet hair that curled on my nape. Then he reached around my waist and leaned into me as I leaned against his chest. All these weeks of being separated, I was still drawn to his warmth and the fresh and earthy smell of his skin. But what he did next had brought down tingly shivers down the whole of me.

He tucked a lock of hair, pressed his lips behind my ear, and whispered, “I'll sing to you.”

***

[Copied directly from the English translation of One More Chance lyrics by emzhaek in Twitter]

Do all the times of happiness get erased too?

Is a love like that even considered love?

Under the October sky, the breeze was dancing in the air in this little serenade while the waves echo the words he penned from his heart. It was almost like a serenade--his voice like silk as he hummed his lyrics in my ear.

But it wasn’t a serenade. It wasn’t meant to coax and cajole. It was a ballad, meant to crush and comfort especially the softest of hearts.

“We were the happiest.” I softly said as I raised my head to look up the sky.

“We were in love,” He agreed and sighed as he tightened his hold of me.

I can’t believe anything, as if it’s all a lie

It was going so well for a moment so I thought it would last forever

Was that thought and mind all selfish of me?

“We wanted to give forever a shot. You and I--we were going to do so many things. We wanted a future together. What changed, Dara?”

“Time. Ourselves.” I honestly said. “Twenty one months went by like a snap and even if we didn’t mean to or didn’t plan to, we did. We changed.”

“I never wavered. I waited. I loved.” His words dissipated in the cold breeze, but I didn’t say anything. “You wavered. You couldn’t wait. I knew that. But I also knew you still loved. So, why? Was it too selfish of me to assume we could’ve conquered everything in the long haul? Was it too inconsiderate of me to think that way?”

“That time--that night--when I asked you to break up, I said I didn’t deserve you. I still believe that. But you weren’t selfish. Not even a hair of it. You just wanted more than what I could possibly give. But even as I say this now, I must admit what a terrible mistake it was to treat you the way I did before we ended things.”

“But we did have a good run, didn’t we?”

I nodded. “A decade in the making can’t only be good, Hae. We had the best.”

Now the both of us are more used to being in different times

Even if I cry going back to the moments that you and I met

A sigh that I don’t know when will develop turns into a song

Without realizing, I turn to you again

“What are you up to these days?”

“Not much. So SM has been teetering around the edges with the amount of time I spend around the studio so I try to go out and meet up with friends. I’ve been invited to go to the SongSong couple wedding too.”

“Oh, that’s nice of them. I’m assuming Joongki-sunbaenim invited you to it?”

“Yeah. We both go to the same gym so…”

“Are you going?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. They wanted me to bring a plus one because they had been wanting to finally get introduced to you. I thought to ask you last time but under the circumstances, I couldn’t possibly bring you. If I go, I’d probably go stag.”

“You could still ask me.” Oh, come on now, self. Could you be more desperate?

“We both know I shouldn’t. This is not as easy as before, Sandara.”

“I was just kidding.”

He laughed. “Sure you are.”
 

“You don’t believe me.”

“I do. But you were right. We changed with time. I’m trying to teach myself to do the things that I was so used to doing with you alone now. It includes this.”

“But you hate being alone. You always have ever since we met, Hae.”

“You hated being alone, too. But that’s exactly what we ended up being. I’m trying to make the best out of it and I honestly think, you should, too.”

***

Don’t leave like the rain

I’m drenched like this again today

I seek for you amongst the wet traces

Will I be able to erase it?

That had been already been days ago and he had no ing idea. He had idea that I stood for hours after he bade me goodbye at the Han, hoping that he’d turn around and run back, opening his arms and tell me we deserved one more chance.

I dreamed of that night happening. He was running away, with his heart racing so fast in his sleeve and I also was running ragged in search of him. In that dream, we talked and talked and talked exactly like we did days ago.

I knew the dream was going to end with him grabbing my arms, shaking me and asking what in hell we were doing. I remembered him saying we were two souls in love and the separation wasn’t just right and they just needed to make it work. I remembered crying, hanging onto his neck as I sobbed my ripped heart out, as I told him I loved him.

Sadly, dreams are just dreams and that is what keeps them so much different from the reality.

He had pulled me up from the ground and we danced in the rain as he sang One More Chance in my ears. But he stopped midway, dropping the arms that held me before leaving. ‘“I can’t do this to you. We can’t keep doing this to each other.” Those were his last words to me and in my mind, all I could think of doing was to blame myself to let everything come to this.

I wish I didn’t start it.

I wish I didn’t ask him.

I wish I could turn back the time to take it all back.

How unlucky am I as a person to not even have any wish of mine granted?

“Regret. That’s the word you’re looking for, sweetheart.” Mama told me, as she lifted her cup of tea. “I’ve had a lot of regrets in life too. I regretted marrying your father--”

“Mama, that’s different!”

“But I never regretted having you. All I’m saying is that regretting is normal. You regret the break up but never regret everything you had with him. You’d fall and you’d stumble and you’d even feel like everything that has been given to you has been taken away from you but at the end of the day, if you allow yourself to be consumed by this guilt and regret you’ve been feeling, you’ll never be able to move forward. Who knows, taking a step away from him will eventually lead you back to him in the future.”

“Oh, Ma.”

“I may be old and not as well-travelled as you but I’ve seen things too. And right now, focus on yourself. I’m sure that Donghae is working hard on himself too.”

“How would you know?”

“I’m the mother of the love of his life. Of course, he talks to me.”

“Well, good for you, Ma. That makes one of us.”

“He doesn’t tell me he’s exactly doing that. But I’m a mother and when your son tells you he’s been doing things he hasn’t tried doing before because he can, that means he’s giving time for himself. He’s allowed to be selfish for himself this time.”

“When he was with me, he can do what he wants too.”

“When he was with you, he had to think about how you would react to all his decisions because of his consideration for you. He didn’t need to say that because that is even clear as crystal even to me.”

“He lets me do everything I wanted and I let him do what he wants. He doesn’t need to think about me all the time.”

“It was his personal choice and a very smart one at that. Sweetheart, I know I’m your mother but even I could see that whenever you do things for yourself, you never consider what he would feel about it. You two were in a relationship so of course, he will think about you.”

“Ma, why the double standard?”

“I’m just saying it doesn’t take too much time for a little consideration. When you went to the Philippines for your birthday, he took a leave from enlistment so he could spend the day with you but you went ahead, without even so much as telling him.”

“He…did? He never told me...I could have delayed going or--”

“It was supposed to be a surprise for you. And if he chose to not tell you, he was making that call. I wanted you to know but I figured he would've already told you if he wanted you to know.”

“How did I miss this, Ma?”

“You've been through difficult things, too, sweetheart. And when people go through things, they become so focused on what's on their plate that they blur everything else that's existing around them.”

“Ever since he went to enlistment and I lost 2NE1, all I could think about is myself. Who I am. What I am doing. For the years that he has known me, I have always been so selfless but I was never self-aware. I had to figure out how I could find me. How I could get to know me. I used to be really happy. I used to do everything people expect me to do. I was never one to break from the mould and I tried to do that even as 2NE1 disbanded. And everything was hard and the things I used to do before just don’t work out in my favor anymore. Instead of becoming self-aware, I became self-consumed and it was hard because it was different so I tried to take everything down and start all over again. I thought that focusing on my career, having fun and going out and travelling would heal me or make me feel better about myself but it always left me wanting more. I wanted to see if I could find a life that fits who I see myself now. I thought in that life, I could only fit me, not him. But after the break up, I’ve realized that I’m starting to know myself again. And I realize that while I can make myself happy temporarily with the things I buy or the people I party with or the places I go to, I have also learned that in the process of trying to get to know myself that I don’t need that much. I don’t need all of those to grant me temporary happiness. I need something, no, someone to make me happy. I need Hae. I know that I don’t want him. I need him. But I’m afraid that now that I’ve realized that, I made him just stop and give up on me. And I will regret that for the rest of my life.”

“Then what makes it so hard for you to tell him just that?”

“He’s seen things he shouldn’t have. We’ve done things we should’ve stopped doing already. If I continue to just give him more and more of the things we shouldn’t see or shouldn’t do, then there’s no end to this, right? It'll be just one new cycle of heartbreak all over again.”

“Oh, sweetheart, come to mama.” My mother gushed as she hugged me to her side. “When you keep focusing on the things you think you shouldn’t do, then you will never know what lies ahead of you if you ever decide to push through. It doesn’t matter if you’ve done things in the past. There’s no way to undo them. It’s what you decide to do afterwards that matters.”

“Are you saying I should go after him?”