ODD LOVE

My lover is my best friend. My best friend is my lover. 

I fell in love with him when I least expected it. You see, he was always the one moving forward, acting on his feelings for me but I was always reserved. I refused to see him as something more than just that boy I met more than a decade ago. 

But he was consistent. He was patient. He was never too persistent. He waited even when I met other boys and fell in love with them. 

Until one day, the truth smacked me right on the face and I realized that I love him. 

***

I am in love with my best friend. 

And yet, he never flaunted our love for the whole world to see. 

He wasn’t the hero of all the soap operas I watch during my free time. He didn’t do grand gestures like chasing a running bus to profess his love for me. He hasn’t prepared any of those romantic events you see couples do on their anniversaries for me. 

He doesn’t go out of his way to buy me expensive clothes and luxurious perfumes. A waste of precious money, he says.

He doesn’t post anything about me. He doesn’t believe in uploading cryptic posts that may link both of us on social media. You are not just a little trinket I want to show off. You are my diamond in the rough, he says. 

He doesn’t show up hiding a bouquet of flowers behind his back whenever he visits me. He sometimes forgets to watch me when my shows air during the week. 

He doesn’t do all those to prove his love for me.  

But he invited me to come to his group’s 100th concert and told all his fans that he especially invited me. For our first anniversary, he took a leave from his enlistment just to spend the entire day with me. 

He’d rather turn off his gadgets whenever we do have the time for each other. He’d rather spend his time talking to me than just staring into a five-inch touch screen when we’d meet up with each other. He’d rather listen to all my crazy rants and silly chats instead of surfing through all the channels cable television could offer.

He’d show up on my doorstep bringing some food take-out to make sure I’d have my fill for the day. On off days, he’d show up with groceries  so we could cook dinner together. At times, he’d even buy some kitty litter and cat food just because he felt like it.

He’d answer my phone calls. Be it an emergency or not. One time, I think I called him while shopping just  to show him a pair of shoes I liked. He didn’t get mad. He likes knowing that I think of him even in the smallest of things. 

That was how I knew he cared for  me more than he says he does. 

You see, his I love yous come in the oddest ways. 

He has his priorities straightened out. I was one of them but I wasn’t his main priority. He has his own life other than me. He has his mother, his brother, his group members, his career, his businesses, his health, and he also has me. He didn’t turn into one of those boys who would leave his other friends the moment they get into relationships. He understood that before we dated, he had his other friends who were there for him through thick and thin.

He doesn’t care if I have more followers than him on my social media accounts. He has his own fan base. I also have my own. He knows the handful of treasured friends I have in my life and he’s already okay with that. 

He doesn’t remember all the shows I am in but he remembers the birthdays of my siblings, my mom, and even my cats. He even reminds me to take my prescribed meds whenever I’m sick and he’s at work. 

And most of all, he especially hates wearing rose-tinted glasses. He’d call me out if he knows I’m going overboard and doing the wrong things. Whenever I do something right, he will always acknowledge it. Whenever I’m in doubt, he encourages me. And when I’m conflicted, he’ll lend his ear and be my voice of reason. 

He is that kind of man and that was more than enough for me. 

***

When I was younger, I always believed in love at first sight. I believed in the existence of soulmates. I already convinced myself, that someday, I’d meet my own version of Prince Charming who would sweep me off my feet. 

I didn’t meet Prince Charming. He wasn’t a version of anyone. He...he was just him. Lee Donghae. 

He came in the form of someone who knew exactly what my weaknesses are. He knew I hated it when people don't have the same opinion as me but he didn't care about that. He cared more about how he could make me see how the world isn't one-sided, just like all opinions are. 

He came in the form of someone who was willing to watch me fight my demons first. I was always treated like a damsel of distress by all the people around me but he was the kind of person who made me realize my strengths.  He loved cuddling but he never coddled me when he knows that I am perfectly capable to protect myself. 

He had steady hands. His were never clammy. Not too small, not too big. Just big enough for me to hold. Whenever I feel tense, I’d find myself looking for those hands because they were the kind to never let go even if my fingers threaten to slip away. Believe me, my fingers have tried to many times already. Too many times already. 

These are the reasons that made me fall insanely in love him. These are also the reasons why I’m breaking up with him today, too.

***

“And what good did breaking it off with him do to you?” Mama Park asked, my hair as I nuzzled up against her. “I’m not getting any younger, sweetheart. You need a man who loves you to take care of you. You had that man.” 

“Sometimes, it’s not just about the love, Mama.” 

“If you say you’ve fallen out of love--”

“I love him. But he’s...him. You know him. He is great. The greatest, if you want me to be biased. But he deserves someone better than me.” 

“You’re not the one who gets to decide that, sweetheart. He is.”

“It takes both sides to make a breakup work, Mama. If he didn’t wish for us to break up, he would’ve done something about it already.” 

“Like what? Chase after you? You make me laugh, sweetheart. You drove him away because that was what you wanted. He knew that you always get what you want and he just helped you accomplish this. You have no right to sulk because you wanted this.” 

“I thought this was going to be easy, Mama. This was what I wanted, you know? But why do I feel like I just did something I didn’t want to do?”

“Oh, sweetheart, this is normal. People act on their feelings at the time and you did...I don’t know for what reason, but you did. And these actions have their corresponding consequences.” 

“What if breaking up with him was a mistake? What if I got this all wrong? I feel like I’m not doing anything right these days...I must be going about my life wrongly, right? Maybe...maybe I should just call him again and tell him I didn’t mean it, right?”

Mama smiled while slowly shaking her head. “You can’t move back and undo what you’ve done.. You can only move forward.  It’s how people grow. It’s how he will grow.  It’s how you’ll grow, Sandara.”

***

“So you finally managed to run from everything good now, have you?” 

“Come on. That’s a little bit harsh, Jiyong.”  I muttered, picking up the tequila shot he offered and downed it in seconds. There was a burn in my throat from the liquor but his words hurt me more. 

“You told me you liked the sun. But you’re here, seeking fake warmth from total darkness.” He drawled, taking a swig of jack and looked around his surroundings. They were at a club, partying with the squad Hae didn’t particularly like before. But because he was himself, he didn’t stop her from hanging out with them at all.

“Speaking in metaphors now, eh?”

“Noona, you told me he made your world bright and shiny.” 

“That was then.” 

“It doesn’t have to be just then. You don’t have to push the finer things away. And before you give me crap about him deserving someone better, would you take a look at yourself? He’s already got the best. Someone better just wouldn’t cut it.” Jiyong breathed, leaning closer until his forehead touched mine. “Believe me, I know.” 

“Why don’t we just get together? You know, be together? People seem to like it. Our fans love the idea of us together. Even netizens have something really good to say about us. We’ve known each other for awhile and we have so much in common. We’re the same, Jiyong. Two peas in a pod.” 

“Yes. Stubborn and vain, that's what we both are. No, don't give me that look. You know you're more stubborn than a mule--” 

“That's unfair.”

“Fine. I'll agree to be with you on one condition.” 

“Name it.” 

“Give me one good reason as to why we should be together.” He asked, lifting his finger to tuck a lock of my hair behind my ear.

“You love me.”

“Yes, I do. I love you. The fans may go berserk if they can just hear me...but you don't love me. Not in the way I want you to. And besides, I'm not good in this relationship thing. We both know I'm not. Look at what happened with Kiko and Nana.” 

“Jiyong.” 

“I'm sorry. We can't. I can't...I won't watch you ruin one of the greatest things you've got going for you.” 

“I came to the club to enjoy the night, you know. But instead, I find myself getting rejected.” 

“You're just kidding yourself if that's what you think I’m doing. I’m not rejecting you. I never stood a chance.”

“Be with me, Jiyong.” 

“Go home, Noona. Go home, take a couple aspirin, and sleep. When you wake up tomorrow, you won’t remember any of this and you'll have a clear mind to fix what you just broke.” He said, landing a small peck on the side of my head before standing up to ask his manager to drive me home. 

***

“You can't be mad at me for breaking up with him too, Bommie.” 

“I'm not mad at you. I’m just surprised with this utter lack of regard towards other people’s emotions that you seem to have.”

“You're judging me.” 

“Of course I am. Why wouldn't I? You've got the perfect man for you and you broke up with him.” Bom said, casually reaching for a mirror to check if she had applied her gloss evenly. “And now you’re wearing this fake happy mask and telling me that I cannot be mad at you for breaking it up with Hae.”

“Everyone seems to be mad at me, Bommie.”

“ to be you, huh?” 

“Not you too! You just said you aren’t mad!”

“Well, I can’t be mad because it’s your life but I’m totally judging just because that’s what a true friend does when she thinks her best friend is being stupid.”

“You know why I broke it up with him.” 

“Oh, yes. You broke up with him because he’s everything you want. Stupid, right?”

“But--”

“He is. I know that. And you know that. But you let him go anyway. And you come here with a dark cloud hanging over your head. And I believe it is my duty as your best friend to lure that dark cloud away so that you’d see the sun again.” 

“What? I thought you’re judging me?”

“I’m your best friend. I may not agree with your decisions but I am still the shoulder you can lean on. Now, don’t give those thankful, googly eyes and make yourself useful before we watch these sappy movies I prepared for you. Give me your black card to pay for the pizza and chicken I already ordered for us before you came.” 

***

“That’s horridly disgusting!” Durami exclaimed as Dadoong, one of their cats, spit out a dead rat in front of her.  

Sanghyun laughed, picked up the kitty from the floor, and covered its ears. “Don’t listen to her, Doongie~ Cats do this. You know, present dead animals as token offering to their humans.” he said playfully to the cat before turning to the frowning Durami again, “How many, today?” 

“Third dead rat of the day. These critters better get enough warning before that little monster Dadoong keeps on killing every last bit of them. You can’t keep dumping dead rodents on my feet, Doongie. I can’t keep scooping them up and giving them little funerals because I’ll feel bad if I just discreetly throw them in the trash.” Durami complained, jumping from her seat to avoid stepping on the rat. 

She came back in with a little plastic bag to put the dead rat in and looked at my direction. “What’s wrong with unnie?” 

“Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s on her day off. She’s spending her time with us. Her family.” Sanghyun told her, all the while Doongie’s head as he purred contently. 

“She plays with the cats on her days off. I haven’t seen her approach the cats once for all the days she’s been here.”

“She’s going through stuff. Let her be.”

“You can’t keep talking to each other about me. I’m in the same room and I could hear and see everything.” I interjected, leaping from where I am to snatch Dadoong from Sanghyun’s arms. He meowed instantly and snuggled against my chest. “You missed mama, didn’t you?” I cooed at Dadoong before looking at Sanghyun and Durami. 

“And I am not going through stuff, just to be clear.” 

“Oh stop trying to keep it from us. We heard you sobbing your heart out to Mama when you broke up with him. I’m just surprised you didn’t even tell Sanghyun and I.” 

“It’s my business. It doesn’t concern you both.” 

“He’s family!” Durami explained. “You’ve been with him for years and you’ve already mapped out your future together even before he got enlisted! He even chose to enter the force instead of the field because he wanted to be closer to you!”

“Was!” 

“What?!”

“He was family and now he’s not. I was with him and now I am not. It’s as simple as that. Now, leave this stuff alone, Durami.”

“Did he hurt you? Was it some other girl that caused this? Was it Siwon-oppa’s sister? I heard they are tight and he takes her out to breakfast places like Miel--”

“Durami-noona, she ended things with him but it wasn’t because he did anything that would destroy their relationship. She just ended it because it seemed right for her to do so at the time.”

“And how do you know this, Sanghyun? Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve done something! ” 

“She got tired of listening to me asking what’s wrong...and don’t give me that look. She told me when we went to the Philippines for the show we’re guesting in. And I didn’t tell you because it is not my place to tell.” 

“We’re done. There’s nothing to tell.” 

“Tell me. Tell us, unnie. You can’t just bottle it up and look miserable while you are at it. You can’t just initiate a breakup and act like you were the one who was left--”

“Why do you care so much, huh? It’s my life--”

“It’s our lives too! He was the only boyfriend of yours who loved you enough to even care for your family. He cared enough to actually know us. Did you even know oppa and Sanghyun work out together. Or that at times, he’ll ask if I’m free so he could take me out with Mama when you’re off somewhere for your schedules? We’re so used to having him around--”

“Oh hush there, noona. We’re not in a relationship with him. She is. Or she was. She’s already blaming herself for breaking up with him and we’re doing the same thing to her. Just give her a break.” 

Thank you, I mouthed to Sanghyun as I let the fretting Dadoong jump from my arms to the floor. Looking at him scamper away, I turned to Durami. “Donghae and I, we’re still friends. You don’t have to break your friendship to him just because he’s not my boyfriend anymore. And yes, I’m moping. I’m acting miserable because I am. I’ve made wrong decisions and I know now that this is one of them.” 

“You’re impulsive, unnie. You act on something without thinking it all the way through. And then you suffer. Sometimes, you take chances and  it works out in your favor. At times, it doesn’t. This is one of those times.”

“I should probably talk to him again and maybe we could work things out.”

“This is what I’m talking about. You can’t rely on taking chances all the time. Decisions aren’t made based on gut feel alone. You can’t just choose your side and turn your back on it when it gets too much for you. You’ve got to see the bigger picture. And he, Donghae-oppa, is in that bigger picture. Leaving him and asking to be together again isn’t that easy. You’re not the only one who has feelings in this relationship too. He has feelings too.” 

“I’m telling you, we’re okay. We broke up but we’re still friends. He says he’ll wait…” 

“But for how long? He’s on the shorter end of the stick here. What’s in it for him? You can’t always expect him bend to your will all the time.”

“Then what do you expect me to do? Put all this behind and grovel? That’s what I’m doing right now and it’s clearly not working. Everyone else around me is blaming me for this breakup, including you. I broke up with him because he could offer me everything when I could only give him this much. So tell me, what am I expected to do, Durami?” 

“I can’t answer that for you. Like you said, it’s your business.” She muttered as she passed by me. “I just think you’re being selfish about all this.”

“Durami, wait.”

“She really liked hyung.” 

“I could tell.” 

“I did, too. But I won’t lecture you because you’ve had enough for one day.”

“I’m not being selfish at all, am I?” 

“What I think isn’t important.”

“Let me know what you think.” 

“I just think that when a cat offers you a dead rat, take it. You don’t know what lengths the cat has gone through to give you something that the cat could’ve eaten by itself already. That’s all.” 

I looked at him, puzzled.

“I’m just saying. He gave you all that he could when he could have just left some love for himself too. But that’s just my opinion.”

***

I picked up my phone and scrolled through the sets of photos I took with my good friend Dongwook. “Come on, choose one. Or two. Or more. I’m planning to post a photo or photos on my Insta.”

“Just choose one. All shots look good.” 

“Sebong~...not you, too.” 

“I’m not saying anything. Just here, in case you want to talk about this stuff I’m hearing.” He said, giving me a small smile that I knew too well. “I’m sure they’ve laid it all out on you already. So now, I’m just going to listen.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just wanted to meet up because it’s been a while. And I remember you acting bitter and complaining that I don’t make time for you. So here I am, making time.”

“Do we hate him?” 

“What are you talking about? Who do we hate?”

“That guy who’s putting wrinkles on your face. Keep that up and you’ll age faster.” He joked, handing me a cup of lemonade. “I’m channeling Bom today. So if you feel uncomfortable talking to me, you can pretend you’re talking to Bom.” He said, adjusting in his seat, flapping his hands about as he was talking. 

I must admit he looked exactly like Bom, then. 

“That’s a good Bom impression. I’m impressed. But really, I came here to chat and catch up.” I said, sipping the lemonade he bought me. He smirked and made a face that only I could understand as some kind of taunting. “I know that face.” 

“I won’t leave you alone until you tell me what you’ve gotten yourself into. The last time I saw you, you were head over heels in love with the only man you’ve introduced the whole YG family to. I have t