“maybe you weren’t

the one for me

but deep down

i wanted you to be”

♡

joohyun is beginning to become a bad habit.

(joohyun’s always been a bad habit, if seulgi’s to be honest with herself. but now, things are getting to a point even she can’t ignore anymore.)

her mother (and her church) have always taught her not to covet. to not desire after things she cannot have– things that belong to someone else. because to covet is to sin, and to sin is a dangerous gateway, one that leads to lies and obsession and addiction.

but how can she stop herself, when joohyun sits down on her lap and plays with the collar of her shirt and looks at her with those eyes? how can seulgi stop herself from wanting to absolutely devour the girl in front of her?

is it really so bad of a sin when it feels so good?

//

everything that fell apart in the spring comes back together in the summer– seulgi’s days are once again filled with late night drives and soft r&b tracks and rewatching movies from the 80s on her aged couch, filled with joohyun and seungwan and the way that they dance around each other like nothing is wrong. 

and, on the surface, everything looks fine. normal. business as usual. and that’s not odd, because as long as seungwan avoids joohyun’s longing gazes and joohyun pretends like seulgi never said those three words that night, everything is fine. 

seulgi’s never been a good actress, but if seungwan and joohyun keep acting like this, acting like the cracks in their already strained relationship aren’t still lingering there under the surface, she can learn how to put up a facade too.

(seulgi wonders when their friendship turned into this, into mumbled secrets and one-sided intimacy, into the tension that always seems to fill the room around them. when did their love for each other become so corrupted?)

corruption– now that’s something seulgi’s become far too familiar with. because a year ago, seulgi would never have been doing this, never would have let some girl with a boyfriend draw her in with whispered promises she has no intention of ever fulfilling. seulgi had better standards for herself, once upon a time. 

but joohyun is a sweetheart when they’re alone, and something about the night makes her sweet lies sound like reality– and seulgi knows for sure now that her old self, the one that would have never gotten involved with a girl like joohyun, is long gone.

she doesn’t even miss her. not really, anyway.

//

“wait, really?”

“i’m 99% certain,” seungwan hums as she sweeps the wooden floor of her parents’ quiet restaurant. “suho told kai, and kai told baekhyun, and, you know baekhyun, he can never keep his mouth shut.”

“huh,” seulgi sips her iced latte and tries not to think too much about this new gossip provided to her oh-so-graciously by her best friend– but if it’s true, it changes everything, and that possibility has seulgi absolutely giddy. “you know, we could just ask her.”

“we could,” seungwan agrees, resting the broom against the wall as she sits to join seulgi at her usual table in the corner. “but i’d rather not.”

“why not?”

“you know how she is,” seungwan deflects, like she always does, and seulgi just sighs, because no, she does not know how joohyun is, not anymore. “she’s just going to get all weird and defensive, like always–“

“.”

“what?”

“it’s her,” seulgi whispers, despite the fact that there’s no one in the restaurant, gesturing frantically at the buzzing cell phone lying flat on the table. “, should i pick up?” 

it only takes one quick glance at the phone screen for seungwan’s eyes to go comically wide– if seulgi weren’t so preoccupied with the dilemma of the incoming call, maybe she would have laughed. but the phone is still buzzing on the table, and seulgi knows she can’t avoid joohyun, not when she has that bit of information lingering in her hand. “i’m not picking it up,” seungwan shakes her head. “nope. not today.”

“please, seungwan, please, as a favor to your best friend–“

“no way,” seungwan insists, jumping up from her seat and resuming her work cleaning up the empty restaurant– seulgi doesn’t bother to point out the fact that seungwan’s already cleared every table and swept every single stray crumb away. “nothing you can possibly give me is worth having to deal with post-breakup joohyun.”

“we don’t even know if that’s true!” seulgi pleads weakly, following seungwan across the restaurant and ing her phone towards seungwan’s general direction. “please, seungwan. answer the phone.”

seungwan huffs and snatches the phone away from seulgi’s outstretched hand– she swipes a finger across the screen and before seulgi can express her gratitude, seungwan hands the phone right back and walks off to the kitchen. 

“w-what–“

“hello? seulgi?” joohyun’s melodious voice floats through the speakers of seulgi’s phone– seungwan winks at seulgi before entering the kitchen, and seulgi mouths her a quick you’re so dead. 

“hey, joohyun, what’s up?”

“we’re going shopping,” the older girl says, and it’s not a question– it’s a demand. “are you at the restaurant?”

“yes.”

“bring seungwan too, then.”

“can’t, working,” seungwan yells from the kitchen, where she is washing the same dishes that seulgi helped her wash an hour ago. joohyun may not be able to, but seulgi sees right through her. if only she were clever enough to get out of post-breakup joohyun duty first. “but i’ll make it next time, promise.”

“fine,” joohyun sighs– seungwan’s absence is clearly not fine, and seulgi wonders idly if she’ll ever be enough for joohyun. “i’m picking you up in five, seul. be ready.”

“o-oh, um, okay–“ 

joohyun hangs up and seulgi sets her sights on seungwan, the latter gulping and ducking behind the counter as soon as she spots the indignation in seulgi’s almond eyes. “i hate you, son seungwan,” seulgi seethes, narrowing said eyes at her best friend and grabbing her purse. “i hate you so, so much.”

“i’m doing you a favor, you know,” seungwan retorts, still holding her dishrag carefully in front of her, like it’s a viable weapon if seulgi decides to go violent. “you get alone time with the love of your life, i get a break from taking care of post-breakup joohyun. it’s a win-win situation.”

“we still don’t even know if that rumor is true or not,” seulgi grumbles– she won’t let seungwan have the satisfaction of winning, even if she’s technically correct. time with joohyun, without seungwan or suho or anyone else, does sound ridiculously tempting.

“that’s why you’re going to ask her,” seungwan reminds her before gently shoving her out the door. “now, go. have fun, seulgi.”

//

seulgi does not have fun.

she tries, she really does, but it’s hard when the only thing joohyun wants to do is drag her around the mall and rant and rave about suho– at least that’s one mystery solved.

suho, she says, is selfish– suho takes and takes and never gives, suho is fickle, suho doesn’t love her. 

(seulgi thinks that suho sounds a lot like somebody she knows.)

but this is joohyun’s chosen form of therapy– where seulgi writes, joohyun shops, and seulgi doesn’t mind, not really, even if she leaves the mall with significantly lighter pockets. because joohyun’s smiling, and that makes all the chaos worth it.

god, how disgustingly cheesy is that?

but it’s the truth, and seulgi, even with her complex vocabulary of a young poet, can’t even express how much she wants this. this soft domesticity, holding hands in a mall and trying on clothes from cheap department stores together in tiny changing rooms. it feels like the kind of thing that girls who are in love do, and seulgi’s never yearned for anything more– and with suho seemingly out of the picture, her picturesque fantasy almost seems like it could one day become reality.

(how naive can she get?)

and only after they’ve settled into the backseat of joohyun’s car,  seulgi’s thighs on either side of joohyun’s legs, does seulgi dare to ask the question that’s been weighing heavily on her mind ever since seungwan had divulged the latest piece of town gossip that morning. 

she already knows what joohyun is going to say– she’s practically told her everything over the course of their little shopping date, after all. but there’s nothing quite like dealing with a pathological liar to make seulgi value hearing the truth from joohyun’s pretty lips.

“so, you’re–“ seulgi’s cut off by her own groan, feeling the same pair of pretty lips on her neck as joohyun wraps an arm around seulgi’s waist and brings her in impossibly closer. “you’re single now, right?”

“single as a pringle,” joohyun seals her confirmation with a kiss that seulgi is far too eager to lose herself in. “promise.”

and joohyun’s not lying, not this time, and maybe that makes everything feel a little better. because suho is gone and joohyun is finally being honest.

maybe waiting all this time was worth it.

“j-joohyun, do you…” seulgi musters up all of her courage, all of the words left unsaid every hazy summer night. “do you… would you… would you want to be my girlfriend?”

joohyun’s lips still from their spot on one of seulgi’s exposed shoulders and seulgi can almost feel the older girl stiffen underneath her– and there it is. seulgi gets her answer tinged with sadness and something she cannot quite place.

“seulgi, i really like you,” joohyun says. she says it less like a rejection and more like it makes everything okay, and seulgi hates the fact that it does. 

(joohyun is calm and serene and telling the truth, but for once, seulgi almost wishes that she would continue her lying streak. because she can hear the words left unsaid– ‘but i love seungwan more.’)

//

summer begins to bleed into autumn and seulgi finds herself employed at seungwan’s parents’ restaurant– she spends all her time there regardless, might as well start getting paid for it. 

it’s senior year. universities are beginning to spam her email inbox and her parents are putting the pressure on hard and seulgi doesn’t know how to tell them that the only thing she ever wants to do nowadays is spend the rest of her life in joohyun’s arms. but, as much as she would like to, she cannot major in bae joohyun. so she spends her last few weeks of summer break working hard in the restaurant and hitting the books, covering every test prep textbook to ever exist from front to back. 

it’s a real shame that a degree in bae joohyun does not exist, seulgi thinks, because maybe then she would finally be able to understand the girl that plagues her nights. maybe, if joohyun would open herself up a little more, seulgi would be privileged enough to catch a glimpse at the reason why joohyun pretends not to hear when seulgi whispers i love you after heated hookups in the backseat of joohyun’s car, why she sneaks out of seulgi’s bedroom early in the morning, why she’s only ever affectionate enough to get seulgi into her bed.

(there’s an answer to all of those questions already lingering inside of seulgi’s head. but it’s crude and harsh and seulgi prays that she’s wrong, because she refuses to accept what sooyoung and countless others have told her about the girl that she is so enamored with.)

but all those sleepless nights spent in both the library and joohyun’s bed are starting to get to her, seulgi thinks, because she’s starting to see things.

she must be seeing things. because when she goes out to the restaurant floor to greet the diner that had just walked in a moment or two ago, she’s instead confronted by someone who might as well be a ghost– someone who should be on the other side of the county.

someone named jung soojung.

soojung looks up from her menu and somehow manages to meet seulgi’s eyes before seulgi lets out a little squeak and runs back inside the kitchen, pushing past a very confused seungwan in her way– she’s way too old to be playing with demons, which is what she tells her best friend when seungwan stops her in her tracks. 

“what the , seulgi,” seungwan sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose and darting her head out of the kitchen to ensure that their customer is still there. sure enough, the image of soojung is still sitting in seungwan’s parents’ restaurant, paging through her menu like nothing is wrong. “don’t be weird. just go out there, take her order, get her money, and forget it ever happened.”

“are you serious?” seulgi whispers frantically, eyes widening as she gestures out at the floor of the restaurant. “you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to go out there.”

“wait, really?” seungwan frowns, tilting her head to the side. “you really wouldn’t go out there for a million dollars?”

“oh my god,” seulgi rolls her eyes and throws her hands up in mock surrender. “i was exaggerating, seungwan, seriously–“

“just take her order, what’s the worst that can happen–“

“nope,” seulgi declares with abrupt finality. “it’s not happening. nope, nope, nope.”

seungwan sighs and picks up seulgi’s notepad off from the ground where she dropped it in her mad dash to retreat into the kitchen. “you’re such a child. you should be lucky that i love you.”

and, as lame as it sounds, seulgi nearly breaks down sobbing in the middle of the kitchen out of pure gratefulness– it might seem like she’s overreacting, but her heart is pounding hard in her chest and she almost feels like passing out, because seeing soojung again is reminiscent of every embarrassment, every single rejection, every bad dream she’s had since that fateful day where soojung ran out and never looked back.

seungwan leaves to deal with soojung and seulgi lets herself calm down on the kitchen floor, the cool tile behind her back and the (relatively) quiet atmosphere soothing the overwhelming thoughts and anxiety inside of her head. the relief doesn’t last long, though, because when seungwan comes back, she comes bearing a gift– a paper napkin with soojung’s number scrawled over it in sharp black ink.

as if seulgi ever lost it in the first place.

//

soojung’s number stays untouched in her phone.

mostly because 1) the thought of picking up her phone and texting soojung brings on an insurmountable amount of anxiety, and 2) even if she was somehow confident enough to contact her ex-best friend, what would she even say?

hi soojung, it’s me, kang seulgi, your former best friend. i know we haven’t spoken since that day two and a half years ago when i told you that i was in love with you and everything, but how are you doing? also, why the are you here? 

but, sometimes, she admits, late at night, she’ll open up their text thread, ignoring how her heart pangs at seeing their last correspondences from that period of time where soojung was all she could ever think about, and compose messages that she has no intention of ever sending. it’s vaguely therapeutic, getting out all of her anger and confusion and shame like that. 

but still, she feels no need to contact the girl from her past who’s caused her so much pain– what good can ever come of that? that doesn’t stop the curiosity from tugging at her, though, because soojung is supposed to be on the other side of the country, not in the very city that seulgi moved to in order to flee from the girl herself. 

curiosity isn’t enough to get her to pick up the phone. so the phone number goes forgotten, for a little while. it’s not like seulgi’s ever going to need to use it, right? 

//

as per usual, seulgi is wrong.

“you want me to.. show her around?” seulgi mindlessly repeats, staring at her homeroom teacher in pure disbelief. first day of school, and this is what she has to deal with. she has half a mind to drop out and start working at seungwan’s parents’ restaurant full-time, because, evidently, the school administration is looking to make her life a living hell.

“just for a few days, seulgi,” ms. hwang sighs, crossing her arms– she’s getting fed up, seulgi can tell, and she almost feels bad, because ms. hwang is her favorite teacher and probably doesn’t deserve to deal with her. “work with me here, please.”

“b-but,” seulgi protests, desperately trying to buy time and maybe locate a loophole to somehow stop the school from pushing her and jung soojung together. “why me?”

“out of everyone else here, you’re the student who knows most about what it’s like to be at a new school, seulgi,” ms. hwang reminds her, not unkindly. “you’re the kindest student in this class. just extend that same kindness to soojung, okay?”

seulgi disagrees. kind girls don’t sleep with girls who have boyfriends. but that’s not exactly the kind of thing you tell your homeroom teacher, so she sighs minutely and concedes defeat. “fine. thank you, ms. hwang.”

soojung clears , and seulgi realizes a little too late that she’s been standing there, between seulgi and her homeroom teacher, the whole time.

whatever. she should already know she’s not wanted here.

“soojung, if you have any questions, you can always ask seulgi, okay?” 

soojung mumbles something that’s probably a soft okay– she’s always been shy around adults. 

(seulgi doesn’t know why she even still remembers that.

she shouldn’t still remember that.

she doesn’t even want to remember that.)

so, instead of thinking about jung soojung and all of her strange habits that seulgi used to have memorized, she slings her backpack over her shoulder and turns on her heel to walk out of the classroom and tries to pretend like she’s not straining to hear if soojung’s footsteps follow her. 

they do, of course.

soojung, as seulgi soon (unwillingly) discovers, has relocated permanently to their city. her father has gotten a new job, one that’s transported the jung family across the country, and seulgi can’t find it in her to be bitter about it– she cannot harbor ill will for the man who practically raised her, not even if he brought the devil to her doorstep.

“you should come over for dinner sometime,” soojung says while she struggles to keep up with seulgi’s intentionally long strides across the school courtyard. “he misses you.”

“sure, soojung.”

“we all miss you,” soojung says, and a little piece of seulgi snaps– because how dare soojung even say that to her face. how dare she even say those words, like they’re still best friends and everything is good and right in the world. 

“sure, soojung,” seulgi repeats, flat and bitter and angry all at once. why is soojung saying things she doesn’t really mean?

“i mean it.”

the urgency in soojung’s voice stops seulgi in her tracks, an angry laugh so unlike her already rising in . “really, soojung? you really mean it?”

“of course–“

“don’t pretend like you don’t know what you did,” seulgi spits, and now she’s really lashing out, because everyone, from seungwan at the restaurant to ms. hwang in their classroom, is acting like soojung’s the innocent one here. poor soojung, the new girl. poor soojung, all alone. 

(seulgi wonders if soojung knows what it’s like to be truly alone. because seulgi still remembers it all so vividly– remembers the stares, the whispers, the boys that would trip her in the hallways and mutter rude names under their breathes, remembers the gazes pleading for help that she would send soojung on the rare occasions when their eyes would meet.

she remembers the way soojung would tear her eyes away every time, too.)

“i don’t know what you–“

“you ruined me,”  seulgi hisses, not ignoring the flash of confusion in soojung’s eyes. “you made my life a living hell, soojung–“

soojung inhales sharply and takes a step back, and for a second, seulgi almost thinks that soojung is going to let her go without a fight. but then soojung scoffs, crossing her arms, and seulgi realizes that she doesn’t know soojung as well as she thought she did. 

(soojung’s never been the same girl she fell in love with all those years ago.)

“i made your life a living hell? don’t be ridiculous, seulgi, that was the other kids, not me–“

“it was you!” seulgi takes a step forward, jabbing soojung roughly in the shoulder with a pointed finger– soojung flinches but she doesn’t step back, lifting her chin and looking seulgi straight in the eyes. “you could have made them stop! you could have protected me! you betrayed me, you’re the one who told them that…” each of her sentences are punctuated with another strike, soojung still unmoving in front of her. “…you’re the one who told them that i loved you.”

the bell rings and the students shuffle into their classrooms, and, for a moment, all is silent. 

“seulgi…” seulgi makes the mistake of looking into soojung’s eyes and seeing the sorrow there– it almost looks like she’s accepting the blame. “seulgi, i was young and scared, i didn’t know what i was doing.”

(seulgi knows better than to trust soojung again.)

“you were young and scared?” seulgi laughs again, unkind and harsh and so unlike her true self, the person that she is with seungwan and joohyun. but that’s what soojung does– brings out the ugly side of seulgi, th