“her hands are my home

her lips are my future

her eyes are my secrets

her whisper is my heart

her laugh is my heaven”

♡

seulgi doesn’t completely hate her new high school. sure, it to have to move to the other side of the country when you’re already about to enter your second to last year of high school, but it’s not like seulgi was even leaving anything behind, other than an empty locker, some bratty kids who would push her around in the lunchroom, and an ex-bestfriend. 

her new school is cramped and crowded, and to any other person that would be a bad thing, but seulgi finds herself enjoying the atmosphere– it’s easier to blend in like this. 

at a place like her old school, where there were only five other students in her grade, all the pressure is on you to succeed. everyone knows your name, your parents’ names, and their parents’ names, along with the names of every single pet you’ve had since you were three. everyone knows exactly what grade you got on your last exam, knows how long it’s been since the last time you went to the doctor’s office (because everyone goes to the same one), knows what you ate for dinner last night and the night before that, too. 

some people live for the small town stuff– it becomes their identity.

but seulgi? seulgi hates it.

no, she prefers her new school much better, even though she’s only been there for hours at most. here, no one knows her name. here, no one stops her in the hallway to ask how her mother is doing. here, teachers don’t shoot her concerned looks during classes. here, she doesn’t matter, and it’s such a strangely comforting thought.

this might the best thing that’s ever happened to her.

//

her first day goes as first days typically go.

she introduces herself to several people who nod and shake her hand and immediately forget her name. she walks past the groups of friends reuniting during lunch and elects to sit in the library, listening to music and sneaking in a ten-minute nap. after school, she walks to her new home, gives her mother the same answer to every question (“how was your day?” “fine.” “how were the teachers?” “fine.” “did you make any friends?” “fine.”) and dives onto her bed, only to sleep away the rest of the afternoon.

(she is technically not lying to her mother– everything at school was fine. nothing bad had happened, but nothing amazing had happened either. no drama, no staring kids– everything was fine.) 

the next day, she wakes up early and walks to school. 

(a tiny part of her is wondering when she got so comfortable being so alone.)

//

seulgi’s first friend is a girl in her grade named son seungwan.

maybe friend isn’t the right word. casual acquaintance? someone who sits next to her in all of her classes (whether seulgi wants her to or not) and chats her ear off? person whose company seulgi occasionally enjoys? seulgi’s never had friends before, just classmates. (unless you count jung soojung, but seulgi no longer wants anything to do with her– although that’s a story for another time.)

seungwan is in all of her classes, which is a little strange, but the slightly younger girl seems to have taken that as a reason as to why seulgi and seungwan must become best friends– the universe has so dictated it, and, as seungwan says, the will of the universe must be followed.

(seungwan is a little weird, but she’s everyone’s friend, the kind of person who can strike up a conversation about the most minuscule things. seulgi envies her– she wishes she had that kind of personality.)

seungwan also says that the universe has dire consequences set in store for those who disregard its will, and who is seulgi to disagree? 

so, lest the universe take out its so-called dire consequences on seulgi, (or at least, that’s how seulgi justifies her affection for her younger classmate in her mind) seulgi and seungwan find themselves becoming fast friends, the kind who text each other throughout the day and call each other when they get home from school and soon enough, the two are inseparable.

(seungwan says that one day, the universe might try and tear them apart. seulgi would like to see it try.)

//

coincidentally, it’s through seungwan that seulgi meets her second friend– bae joohyun.

(once again, friend might not be the right word. joohyun is pretty but quiet, unspeaking and solemn and seulgi has no idea what she and seungwan could possibly have in common.)

they meet in the creative writing class they share with seungwan. their mutual friend excitingly introducing them after a long string of joohyun’s absences– it turns out that joohyun’s been out of town due to a death in the family, and seulgi isn’t quite sure what to say. 

she’s never been good at this stuff, always stumbling over her words and saying the wrong things at the wrong times. but she knows that she can’t possibly say nothing, not when seungwan’s already given her delicate and thought-out apology. 

“i’m sorry for your loss, joohyun,” seulgi bows her head and murmurs, the words tumbling out all stilted and rough, but apparently it’s good enough for joohyun, the older girl smiling and mumbling a “thank you” under her breath.

it’s the first time joohyun’s ever said anything to her, but her voice is so soft and so beautiful and seulgi doesn’t quite know what to do, because the last person who left such a similarly striking first impression was jung soojung; and, well, seulgi knows exactly how that ended up.

seungwan pushes their desks together into some strange triangle formation, and before seulgi knows it, joohyun becomes a staple at their table. seulgi had never noticed the other girl before seungwan’s forced introduction, but all of a sudden she’s a constant presence in seulgi’s life, always next to seungwan’s side.

joohyun is not unkind. joohyun always says the right things at the right times. joohyun is charismatic– not seungwan’s brand of loud and blaring charisma, more soft, more sweet, more incredibly joohyun. but joohyun and seulgi are not friends, (at least, not the same kind of friends as seungwan and seulgi or seungwan and joohyun) because when seungwan isn’t there, joohyun barely spares seulgi a single glance.

seulgi doesn’t know if she should feel offended or relived.

probably a little bit of both, but joohyun is popular and joohyun has better friends than her, so, really, she shouldn’t be so surprised. 

but she can’t lie– seulgi walks down the hallway and locks gazes with joohyun, and before she can say hi, joohyun’s eyes have already turned away. and it hurts more than it should.

//

seungwan is out with the flu for a solid five days, and everything changes.

at first, seulgi and joohyun’s conversations in creative writing are awkward and stifled, similar to the very first day they met. but they adapt, because joohyun is bored and no longer has seungwan to whisper her jokes to, and seulgi is more than willing to fill in for their missing friend.

the second day is better, but they’re not still completely comfortable with each other– joohyun tries her best though, and seulgi appreciates it. by the third day, they’ve exchanged phone numbers, by the fourth, they start walking to class together, and by the fifth, joohyun brushes her hand against seulgi’s and seulgi nearly jumps, because joohyun’s never seemed like the type to initiate skinship– but it’s not like seulgi hates it.

(yet another similarity joohyun shares with a certain someone– seulgi is beginning to think that seungwan is onto something when it comes to the universe having it out for her.)

seungwan comes back to school the following week, and for one singular scary moment, it almost feels like things are going to go back to how they were pre-seungwan’s five-day flu. but joohyun’s waiting for seulgi outside of her chemistry classroom to walk with her to creative writing, and that’s when seulgi realizes that things really have changed– she and joohyun are friends now, actual friends, the kind who share secrets and clothes and everything in between.

(they’re sitting in creative writing later that day when joohyun refers to seulgi as her new girlfriend, seungwan narrowing her eyes at them and shaking her head slowly. 

“since when did you two get so close?” she asks, still a little congested, and seulgi stifles a giggle at her nasal tone. 

“seulgi’s the cutest,” joohyun laughs, slinging an arm around seulgi’s shoulders– seulgi tries her best not to stiffen at the unexpected touch. “you just can’t resist her.”)

//

seulgi has two friends now, and she’s actually a little proud, despite breaking her unspoken rule to keep to herself. 

they go to the movies together after school and go shopping at the mall on weekends and seulgi won’t lie– it’s nice. it’s really nice. 

some things haven’t changed, though. seungwan is still loud and joohyun is still soft and they balance each other out perfectly– like seungwan’s on one side of a scale with joohyun on the other. it’s scary how well they fit each other, a perfectly chaotic tropical storm of a friendship. but where does seulgi fit in?

seulgi is quiet like joohyun, but not as bold and assertive in her affection. seulgi is funny and a sweetheart like seungwan, but definitely not as charismatic or confident. seungwan draws in hearts, joohyun keeps them there, but what does seulgi do?

nothing, she decides as she stares up at her bedroom ceiling one night. she does absolutely nothing. so why do joohyun and seungwan even bother to keep her around?

joohyun has other friends– she knows they exist, because joohyun eats lunch with them and seulgi sometimes sees them walking around in the hallways together. she knows their names,(yerim and sooyoung, sehun and bogum, frequent characters in joohyun’s elaborate stories) but she doubts they know hers. and seungwan has befriended the entire population of their high school– scratch that, there’s not a single person in the country who hasn't been charmed by her. (sure, that’s an exaggeration, but seulgi truly thinks that seungwan could stop a war with her smile.)

but isn’t this what seulgi wanted? to be unknown?

maybe she’s not as good at this lonely stuff as she thought she was.

(and then there’s the matter of her secret. how long will joohyun and seungwan stay after they find out the truth?)

//

seulgi doesn’t know when it starts– when her heart starts fluttering every time joohyun takes her hand in the hallway, petite hands slotting into hers like they were made for it. maybe that’s when she realizes it.

or maybe it’s that day in gym class, when they’re walking circles around the track and joohyun comes up behind her, wrapping her in a warm backhug as seulgi pretends to squirm to get joohyun to let go.

or it could have been that time in creative writing, when they had a substitute teacher and joohyun spent the entire class period on seulgi’s lap, doing her work on seulgi’s desk and ignoring seulgi’s complaints. 

it doesn't matter when it starts– the point is, seulgi’s heart does this strange thing when she’s around joohyun, when everything feels all light and beautiful and all she wants to do is be around joohyun forever. but that’s not all seulgi feels around joohyun– she feels the guilt and the shame, too, feels it every time joohyun laces their fingers together, feels it every time she doesn’t want joohyun to pull away.

this is wrong, this is gross, this is unnatural– she’s unnatural. but that’s nothing she doesn’t already know. 

(it’s nothing jung soojung hasn’t already told her.)

//

“you se