“and i can’t feel my fingertips
but you feel better when we touch
fill me up, keep me hot
use me up of all i’ve got”

♡

before anyone knows it, spring break is upon them, and seulgi’s parents whisk her off to korea for the holiday. normally, she’d be more than willing to embark on a family trip back to her parents’ hometown, but joohyun is staying back home, and there’s nothing seulgi wants more than to keep her company.

(because, no matter what joohyun tries to tell her and seungwan, seulgi knows the truth– joohyun is lonely. lonelier than she’s ever been in her life, because all of her friends have abandoned her all at once, and seulgi doesn’t know how joohyun still manages to go on.

because seulgi lost soojung, but joohyun’s lost sooyoung and yeri and sehun and bogum all at once, and she can’t even begin to imagine how that must feel.)

the time difference is rough, but seulgi’s no stranger to staying up into the early hours of the morning– and, anyway, it’s worth it if it means being there for joohyun. so what if dark circles start forming under her eyes, so what if she stares at her phone for hours at night waiting for joohyun to call?

“you’re all i have, seulgi,” joohyun says one day over the phone, voice cracking a little and seulgi just knows that she’s trying her hardest not to cry– if there’s one thing seulgi’s been picking up lately, it’s joohyun’s absolute unwillingness to show weakness. but joohyun sounds so devastated and it almost makes seulgi think that the older girl is finally coming to her senses– that she’s beginning to realize that sooyoung really doesn’t love her back, that she’s lost most of her friends and there’s no more living in the little fantasyland she’s invented for herself. “seulgi, promise me– you won’t leave, right?”

“never,” seulgi murmurs into the phone from the other side of the ocean. “i’ll never leave.”

(three words that seulgi will eventually come to regret– three words that seulgi can never take back.)

but that doesn’t matter, not when joohyun spends hours on the phone with her every night, updating her on the current state of affairs back home. seungwan is in canada for spring break, a fact that joohyun frequently brings up when lamenting on her days spent alone in her house– she’s insistent that seungwan could have fit her into her luggage, instead of leaving her to die of boredom in their hometown.

seulgi points out that joohyun’s plan is unrealistic and, potentially, deadly. joohyun tells her that it’s the thought that counts.

(joohyun has a lot of unrealistic plans, seulgi learns. the most unattainable plan, of course, is the one joohyun updates her on every night– the Big Plan to get sooyoung to fall in love with her.)

“sooyoung liked my last post on instagram,” joohyun hums, seulgi hearing the familiar whistle of the teapot as joohyun brews her morning cup of tea. “she commented and said i looked pretty. do you think it means anything?”

seulgi wants to tell joohyun the truth, that it means nothing– that sooyoung’s stringing her along and joohyun’s letting herself get played, the same way she’s playing suho. but instead she stifles a yawn and settles on a white lie. “it might. have you guys been talking more lately?”

“i guess,” there’s a pause, and seulgi can just barely make out the sound of joohyun taking a sip of her hot tea. “you know, i really think that she’s going to change her mind. she’s going to give me a chance, i can feel it.”

“i’m sure she will.” it’s a lie, and they both know it.

“i need to go soon,” joohyun says, changing the topic away from sooyoung abruptly. “suho’s picking me up. we’re going on a date.”

ah, yes, suho. joohyun’s boyfriend of six months, now. seulgi’s almost forgotten that he exists– sooyoung’s the only name that comes out of joohyun’s mouth anymore. “joohyun–“

“i know, i know,” she sighs, taking another sip of her tea– this is an unspoken conversation she and seulgi have had a million times before. “i’m going to do it soon, i promise.”

seulgi doesn’t say anything, just sighs quietly and transfixes her eyes on the ceiling fan rotating above her head, letting the silence rest comfortably between them. it’s been a long day– she was outside all day long, sightseeing with her cousins and honestly, nothing sounds more tempting than a good night’s sleep.

nothing except for joohyun, that is.

“i know you’re tired,” said girl speaks up over the rustling of clothes– probably getting ready for her date with suho. “get some sleep, seulgi. seriously, you need to take care of yourself too, you know–“

“i’m fine,” seulgi protests, ignoring the way her heart flutters at the worry in joohyun’s voice. “i’m a night owl, joohyun, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“i do worry about you though,” joohyun admits quietly. “i always worry about you.”

“w-why?”

“because you have secrets,” joohyun says, and seulgi’s heart nearly stops– they haven’t revisited this topic since joohyun confessed her love for park sooyoung last month. “and it’s not good to keep them all to yourself, you know.”

and for one scary moment, seulgi actually considers telling joohyun everything, from the moment she set eyes on jung soojung to the moment when she realized how deeply in love she is with the girl she’s on the phone with– she wants joohyun to know everything, wants joohyun to know that she is the first thing on seulgi’s mind when she wakes and the last thing on her mind when she falls asleep.

“joohyun,” she breathes, but then the doorbell rings from the other side of the phone call and joohyun squeaks, mumbling an apology under her breath as she rushes to answer the door.

“sorry, seul, that’s suho,” she says– seulgi doesn’t need to see her to know that she’s scrambling to slide on her shoes, hand already on the door handle before realizing that she’s forgotten her keys. it’s happened in front of seulgi’s very eyes more often than joohyun would like to admit. (it’s absolutely adorable.) “but don’t think i’ve forgotten about this! you owe me a secret.”

“of course,” seulgi smiles, turning off the lights in her room as the darkness settles around her. “goodnight, joohyun.”

“night, seulgi.”

“i love you,” seulgi says– but joohyun’s already hung up the phone.

//

seulgi doesn’t think she’s ever written more in her life. she just sits down and the words start flowing out of her pen, doesn’t even have to think before joohyun’s beauty is transcribed all over the page.

ideas come to her everywhere– on the train, when she’s about to drift off to sleep, sometimes even when joohyun is right there in front of her.

and all seulgi can think about is the beautiful poetry that lays in her eyes, all of the stories that seulgi yearns to tell about the way that joohyun can make you feel like the only person in the world who even matters. because joohyun is enchanting– no, that’s not the right word.

joohyun is all-consuming.

(seulgi imagines that joohyun’s lips taste like everything she cannot have.)

(she imagines that they taste like fiery obsession, forbidden candy and dark secrets, and, worst of all– temptation.)

//

“did joohyun tell you about–“

“about sooyoung?” seulgi finishes seungwan’s sentence, keeping her voice down as to not disturb her sleeping relatives– the time difference between seungwan and seulgi is even more extreme than the one between seulgi and joohyun. “crazy, right?”

“i know!” seungwan laughs. “out of everyone, i can’t believe it’s sooyoung that she went and fell in love with.”

“you’re friends with her, right? sooyoung?”

“i guess,” seungwan hums, the sound of eggs frying in the background– seulgi must have called as she was making breakfast. “we all just kinda grew up together. but then we went to high school, and sooyoung went one way and i went the other. it’s not like we aren’t friends anymore or anything. but we’re not close. not in the way that joohyun and sooyoung are.”

“were.”

“what?”

“the way that joohyun and sooyoung were.”

“right. were.”

“you know sooyoung told all of her friends?” seulgi continues, teeth biting into her bottom lip as she recounts what joohyun’s told her in hushed whispers. “she completely outed her. and joohyun didn’t even do anything. her only crime was falling in love with the wrong person.”

“that doesn’t sound like sooyoung,” seungwan frowns– well, at least, seulgi thinksshe’s probably frowning. her best friend intuitions have improved. seungwan would be proud.

“that’s what joohyun told me,” seulgi insists, turning over in her bed to lay on her back. “god, i hate her.”

“you hate joohyun? i thought you were in love with her–“

“i’m talking about sooyoung, stupid,” seulgi rolls her eyes playfully– seungwan can’t see her, but she doesn’t care. (truthfully, she misses seungwan. a lot. her days have been taken up by her family and her nights occupied by joohyun– she’s barely gotten the chance to talk to seungwan all break.) “i absolutely despise park sooyoung.”

“you act like she killed your pet hamster, seul.”

“she doesn’t know what she’s missing,” seulgi continues on like she hasn’t heard seungwan (she doesn’t even have a pet hamster), picking at the frayed ends of her comforter. “she doesn’t even know how lucky she is.”

“have you even met sooyoung? like, have you ever even had a conversation with her?”

“no. but that’s besides the point, wan. i still hate her.”

“whatever, seulgi,” seulgi can hear the exasperation evident in seungwan’s voice, and, suddenly, she feels very guilty– even more so when she checks the duration of the call and it turns out seulgi’s been ranting about the Joohyun Situation for the better half of an hour.

but she can’t help it. joohyun is all she can ever think about.

(what was she occupied with before joohyun came into her life and stole her breath away? seulgi can’t even remember.

shouldn’t she be able to remember?)

//

spring break is over almost as fast as it began, and seulgi wishes she could say she’s disappointed.

(because, really, what teenager should be this excited about going back to school?)

but going back to school means going back to joohyun, and how could seulgi ever not be excited about that? going back to school means going back to holding hands in the hallways, back to joohyun waiting for her at her locker everyday, back to laying her head on joohyun’s lap when they’re supposed to be running a mile in gym and letting the older girl her head and play with her hair.

(going back to school also means going back to exams and quizzes and tests and textbooks that weigh more than her entire friend group combined. but when was the last time seulgi prioritized any of that stuff over joohyun?)

“seulgi!” joohyun yells on their first day back– she’s standing right next to seulgi’s locker, as expected. before seulgi can even raise a hand in a greeting, joohyun’s slammed into her, wrapping the smitten girl in a huge (and way too close for comfort) bear hug. “i’ve missed you,” her lips nearly graze seulgi’s ear and suddenly, seulgi doesn’t know how to speak.

“seul?” she pulls back after the lack of response, smiling and pinching one of seulgi’s cheeks. “aw, you’re red. so cute.”

“i missed you too, joohyun,” seulgi manages to stammer out, burying her face in joohyun’s shoulder to hide her embarrassment– who needs to know if she craves to brush her lips over the skin left uncovered there? “so much.”

//

“you guys ,” seungwan groans from the end of the bed, flipping to another page in her math textbook. “come on, focus.”

seulgi cannot focus, because joohyun’s head is on her shoulder and her hand is resting on seulgi’s thigh and they’re sitting on joohyun’s bed, backs against the headboard– how could she ever focus on their math project with joohyun leaning on her like this? “i want to take a nap,” she announces, setting her notebook aside and relaxing into the mattress, joohyun sinking down into it alongside her.

seungwan mutters something about useless friends and scribbles something down on her paper, only for her pencil to go flying through the air, kicked out of her hand by joohyun’s foot. “joohyun, i was writing something–“

“come here, seungwan,” joohyun smiles, patting the space next to her. “come take a nap with us.”

(seulgi does not want seungwan to take a nap with them– she wants joohyun all to herself. but seungwan is her best friend, so seulgi grumbles a bit internally and scoots over to make room.)

seungwan settles down next to joohyun a little awkwardly– seulgi’s too occupied with savoring the feeling of joohyun pressing into her front to notice how seungwan shifts to ensure that no part of her is touching joohyun.

if seulgi was a little less distracted, maybe she would notice that seungwan doesn’t melt into their cuddles and warm embraces like she usually does. maybe she would notice that seungwan flinches when joohyun wraps an arm around her waist.

but she doesn’t– and that’s how seulgi misses the second warning sign.

//

“what did you write about for the poetry assignment?” joohyun asks as she and seulgi head down the hallway to the courtyard where they eat lunch, swinging their hands together as they walk.

“nothing special,” seulgi hums, adjusting the heavy textbook cradled in her free arm– joohyun’s heavy textbook. “just some stuff about nature.”

(a blatant lie. seulgi had written about joohyun in the most abstract terms possible– written about secret desires and late night phone calls and craving for someone you can never have. but she can’t tell joohyun that, of course.)

“me too,” joohyun beams, looking at seulgi with those beautiful brown eyes, and, god, seulgi’s never been more in love.

(falling in love with soojung was one thing. soojung was everything seulgi wasn’t, everything seulgi wished she could be. but joohyun is different, so different.)

a familiar flash of hair darts down the hallway near them and seulgi scowls, squeezing joohyun’s hand in hers protectively. that shade of red and that backpack can only mean one thing–

“what’s wrong?”

“nothing,” seulgi says, relaxing slightly as the girl she has her eyes on walks into a nearby classroom. “just sooyoung.”

“sooyoung?” joohyun laughs breezily (seulgi could listen to that laugh for hours), hands still intertwined as they walk down the hallway. “don’t worry about sooyoung. i’ve found someone new.”

seulgi’s ashamed to say that she nearly trips over her own two feet when she hears those words– someone new, someone new, someone new.

someone who is not park sooyoung. someone who could very well be herself– is joohyun’s heart beating as fast as seulgi’s right now?

(can you feel it? she wants to ask, wants to look deep into joohyun’s eyes until she sees her love reflected there. can you finally understand me, joohyun?)

“i’m glad,” seulgi says instead, offering joohyun a warm smile that the older girl immediately returns. “you deserve better than her.”

“you’re right,” joohyun sighs– it’s not a sad sigh, or the kind of sigh that escapes joohyun’s lips when she’s surrounded by textbooks in the library and piles of homework.

it sounds like relief– like joohyun’s finally come home, like a heavy weight has been lifted off of her petite shoulders.

seulgi just has to wonder who exactly joohyun’s come home to. (but, maybe, if she closes her eyes and prays hard enough, it can be her.)

//

it’s nearing the end of may and seulgi’s decided that she’s had enough of wallowing in self-pity.

the night makes bad ideas seem like fantastic ones– maybe that’s why the idea of confessing, when it comes to her at three in the morning, sounds like such an amazing plan. what could go wrong?

seulgi’s never been good at arithmetic, but she does the quick math in her head. joohyun has gotten over sooyoung. joohyun likes someone new. joohyun is more physically affectionate than usual. that all adds up to one (slightly dubious) possibility– seulgi might be the person joohyun’s chasing. seulgi might be the ‘someone new’.

maybe it’s wishful thinking.

but joohyun has this way of looking at seulgi like she’s all she can ever think about, and seulgi finds herself entranced in her eyes, in the possibilities, in the chances and whispers and dreams that she just can’t let go of.

can she afford to take the chance? can she lay her heart bare and pray to every god there is that bae joohyun is not as cruel as jung soojung?

(where soojung was stinging and raw, joohyun is melodic and sweet, like a soft ballad that you can never get out of your head.)

the prospect of happiness, the prospect of joohyun, of what she’s always wanted so badly is so ridiculously tempting– so tempting that she nearly forgets one basic fact.

joohyun is still dating suho.

(seungwan tells her that confessing is a bad idea. that joohyun is dating someone who is not seulgi, and that nothing good can come from this. but seulgi can’t accept that, because she wants joohyun and joohyun