“Dude! Am I looking good?” Jiyong asks me. I look at him, that red hairs really kill me. why he needs to ask me when he is one of those who always look good in any conditions.

“You look…good?” I . “Oi.. that is not the answer I aspect from you.” He ruffles my hair. Somehow, I feel warm for his doing.

I like it when he nears me, besides me, always with me. but he must not know that little secret of mine.

“Where’re you heading to?” I ask him. He smirks at me, but that smirks make me feel orchestra in my stomach.

He comes near me, he is so close that I think my heart will explode. Why? Why?! Must I feel this nervous every time he comes near me.

“I’m going to hit on some new students.” He says and at that statement, I lost my smile.

I bit my cheeks, tries to control my emotion.

It always likes this. He always flips my heart with his words.

*

“So, how is your girls hunting going Jiyong?” TOP asks him when Jiyong and Youngbae join us at the living room.

Daesung is sitting next to TOP on the couch. He gives me an apologetic face because.. yeah, he somehow know my feeling to Jiyong.

Youngbae sits on the couch and drinks on his drink. Jiyong? He comes to sit next to me before lays his head on my lap.

He takes my hand to play his hair. It has become habit.

“Jiyong kind of has his eyes on this one girl.” Youngbae tells us when TOP gives that I’m dying and curious face to both of them.

At Youngbae words, I can feel my heart pound hard. It’s not that because I’m nervous but I’m afraid of losing him to her.

Whoever she is..

“Really! Ooo… I never thought that there will be one day, the Great Kwon Jiyong will has his eyes on someone.” TOP said. Not knowing that his words cut my heart.

I didn’t realise that I stop playing with Jiyong’s hair. I push his head, only to have his hands hold mine tight.

I want to get up and go somewhere, but not here. Not sitting here, to hear some rubbish on who is the one that attract Jiyong attention.

But, I love it when he holds my hand like this. Tight. Not letting go.

I try to ignore what they are discussing. My eyes fixed on the TV screen but my mind is comparing all the things that Youngbae mentions about the girl with myself. And I think I’m better than her.

Stupid, aren’t I ?

Jiyong touches my ear before I look down at him. “What?” I question him. “Are you ok, Ri?” I nod at his question. “You’re not talking much tonight. Is there anything wrong?” he asks again.

“I’m tired I guess. Now can you please get up? I have something to do.” I push his head off my lap.

“Good night, hyungs.” I bow before head to my room. The other hyung nod at me and I try to ignore Jiyong eyes on me.

*

“Talk.” He says with his hand grab tightly on my wrist. He turns me around.

He knows me too much that I can’t hide one single thing from him. Except my feeling towards him.

“I’m sleepy hyung.” I try to take my pillow and hug it.

“Baby, talk to me. please.” He pleads and… my ego collapse.

Why he must call me in that low voice? Why he must call me like I’m something more than friends to him? It gives me hope. It hurts sometimes.

“Do you seriously have your eyes on that girl?” I ask him.

He chuckles and buries his head on my stomach. He then smiles at me. “No, I’m not. I just say so for fun.”

He lays besides me, looking at the ceiling before turns to me, “It’s fun to watch TOP and Youngbae bet on me. how long will I crush on that girl.”

He brushes my hair, I close my eyes, to feel him closer.

And just like magic, all my doubts and jealousy gone. It seems like what Jiyong says is enough to make me feel ease. It makes me calm,

As calm as when he hugs me when I failed on certain subjects. As calm as when I cried on his shoulder when my father cheated on my mother. I believe in him.

*

“Hye Seungri.” A pretty girl approaches me when I queue at the canteen. TOP hyung is on a rugby competition, Dae hyung, Jiyong hyung and Youngbae hyung still in class. So, I’m alone.

It’s not that I don’t have other friend, but the hyungs don’t like it when I eat with other than them.

“Ohh? Hye?” I greet her. who is this girl? Why I never met her before?

“My name is Sonia. I’m a new student.” She introduces herself. I just nod at her while walking on the queue.

“You’re close to Jiyong hyung aren’t you?” she asks. Ok. Now we’re talking. Is she the one that caught Jiyong’s attention?

Once again, I nod to her. I don’t care to be label as snobbish. Farewell politeness.

“What kind of person he is? How can you be close to him? I see that you also close to his other friend.” Ok. Someone make deep researches I guess?

mmm.. how can I get along with them?

My parents and the other hyung parents kind of know each other. The hyungs grow together, except me. I only know them when we’re in middle school when my family moved from London. they find I’m adorable as maknae. So.. that is how. Now, we live together because our parents are all busy with their own what so ever business.

The building we live is belong to TOP hyung. With a reason to save cost we live together. But..

I’m not telling this girl. Who was she just now?

I hum, “We kind of met in middle school and get along together. And as cliché it sounds, we make it till now.” I smile at her.

I do hope my smile is really a smile. Not a fake one.

She was about to ask again when my order come, “So, if you don’t mind, excuse me.” I nod slightly to her.

Why do I feel my heart bleed again? I need Jiyong to say anything but sweet thing to me. but, do I deserve those sweet words when I ignore his dream girl questions to know about him. The thought make me sick and lost my appetite.

*

“Where were you? I was looking for you during lunch.” I turn around just to find Jiyong stands at my door. I sigh before continue my reading.

After little encounter with that Sonia girl, instead of ate, I went to rooftop and cried. I don’t know why, but I feel useless for ignoring Sonia and jealous on her. at least, she has Jiyong eyes on her. I tried to convince that Jiyong doesn’t like her. it just for TOP and Youngbae to bet on. But still.. my tears won’t stop.

It makes me feel like crying again. “I have something to do.” I make it short. I hope I’m not stuttering. I try to continue my reading but my mind not allow me to do so. what I want to do now is forget that I met Sonia.

“You make me worried. You better call or text me or something. Don’t just go out off radar like that. you even went home alone.” Jiyong says. His voice sounds like he’s offended. That makes me feel more upset. Am I become a trouble now?

“I’m sorry hyung. I won’t do that again.” I get up from my seat to my bed. “You better don’t. i…” Jiyong can’t finish his word when Youngbae calls him. He’s wearing jacket, is he going out? Is Jiyong going too?

“Sonia asked me are you going out or not tonight? She can’t reach you that she called me.” at the mention of that name, I close my eyes to ease the pain.

But, why does it still feels hurt? can’t I just die because I feel my heart bleed?

I hear Jiyong says something to Youngbae, but my mind can’t make up anything. I feel numb. It seems like I’m reading, but I’m not.

“Do you come, Ri-ah?” Jiyong asks me. he now sits on my bed. I smile to him, “No, I’m not. I feel tired.”

“What did you even do that you’re tired?” He teases me, and pinches my nose. Then, he traces my eyes, “You really need some sleep, your eye bag getting worse.” he says and takes the book from me.

Stay. Don’t go. don’t go to her. can’t you please don’t go out tonight?

But the words can’t come out from me. he kisses my forehead, “Sleep then.”

Please, don’t go.

He walks to the door and turn off the light. “Good night Ri.”

Don’t go. no..

I bring my hand to my mouth, prevent any voice to come out. Am I crying?

*

 

Since that night, we rarely have time together. It’s been two weeks or is it three? Being the youngest make it hard to meet the hyung. Ohh, TOP hyung won the rugby game that day, so he has training for the next game. Dae hyung, I don’t know but he’s busy with his photography club. Jiyong and Youngbae also stay at school, I don’t know why. I’m being me, stay at home.

But, this is not me. I’m a type of person who easy makes friends and go out a lot. But I don’t know, this few weeks I feel tired. not physically, but emotionally. I have no one to turn to. No ones to talk with. Everybody have their thing to do.

*

“Ri, this is Joon. My friend.” Dami introduces me to a guy that sitting on the couch. He raises his glass to me. I just nod before take my sit next to Dami.

Dami is Jiyong’s sister. She called me when I just got out from shower and ask me out. So, here I am, at a club. She orders an orange juice for me since I still underage before she goes dancing.

I keep on fidget on my seat. I can feel Joon eyes on me, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I was about to take my phone when Joon sits next to me.

I smile awkwardly at him. I try to maintain some distance from him. Can I shout that I feel uncomfortable with him on his face?

I have messages and miscalls from the hyungs, but mostly from Jiyong.

“You’re cute, do you know that?” I flinch when Joon suddenly whispers to me. I just hum to him, not caring whether he can hear it or not with the music bang around.

Someone please come and rescue me.

Jiyong… I hear my heart plead for him.

I smile when Dami came with whoever that follows her from the back. “Smile to the camera!” she shouts make me look at the camera and smile.

Joon put his hand on my shoulder that make me shock and frozen. He leans to me and raises his class.

Somebody, help me.

*

When I arrived home, everyone seems to have sleep. I tip toe and ensure that I don’t make noise. I get into my room and a little bit shock when I see Jiyong sleeps on my bed. It always like this, doesn’t he has his own room? But honestly, my bed is kind of big for me alone so, I like it when Jiyong comes and sleeps with me.

I go to the bathroom and get change.

“Where have you been?” Jiyong says that make me almost slip at the door. I close my eyes and try to recover myself from the shock. When I open my eyes, my heart pounds harder. Jiyong looks at me as if he will kill me anytime soon. He looks so intimidating.

“Hyung! Don’t do that again, I almost have heart attack.” I say to him, trying to ignore his eyes.

He grabs my hand roughly. I think he might rips them from me, “I asked, where have you been?! Don’t ignore my question!” our face so close to each other. He’s whispering to me with his low voice, but it makes me scared. Then, he hugs me, his other hand grips my waist, tightly.

“Hyung…”I try to release my hand from him and push him aside. His grip becomes tighter. “I was going out with Dami noona.” I say to him. I feel like I can’t breathe. I pat his back softly, “Hyung, let me go. I can’t breathe.”

“Lie.” He says and squeezes us closer. “hyung…” will my aegyo work at time like this? Let’s give a try. “You lie..” he says and I almost can’t hear a thing. He’s whispering.

“You can call Dami noona to confirm. Now can you please let me go?” when he lets me go, I can see his eyes. It looks so sad, and angry.. and confuses.. why he should be sad and angry? What make him confuses? Maybe I just a little bit tired. Maybe I see it wrongly and I choose to ignore it. I walk to my bed, trying to ignore to whatever Jiyong is doing.

I’m waiting for him to come to bed. I’m counting in my head. I want him to hug me close because it makes me feel safe after having Joon to look at me like I’m his prey.

But, I stunned when I hear the door been open and he walks out. I gape before I feel cold. It is so cold that I wrap myself with the blanket. I don’t know when, but I can feel my face wet and I try to muffle any voices from coming.

Why do I even care if he walks out like that? Why do I care when he ignores me when I’m the one who ignore him first? We’re not even a lover. We’re just friends.

Just friends.

How many times have I cry because of him? I lost count, maybe I should stop loving him and move on. Can I?