I love you

as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret,

between the shadow and the soul.

(pablo neruda)

THE night sky was empty and dark as he stared blankly at the scene outside his window. It was cold inside his room and quite silent except for the soft breathing of his sleeping room mates. He glanced at them for a moment and softly smiled as he saw how peaceful they looked. They’ve been so busy the past days and have been working so hard. It was great that they would be able to recharge and regain the energy that they needed for their work. As he looked at them, the warmth inside his heart was gently replaced by a strong burst of jealousy. He sighed. It was stupid really. But he couldn’t help but feel envious of the peace that they had as they slept and how, at that moment, he felt anything and everything but peace. He turned away and snuggled deeper into his blanket as he glanced again at the night sky.

He looked over to the clock that was on top of the desk beside his bed. The night had just crossed over to early morning when half the world was deep in slumber and the other half was still awake. He sighed. It was usually around this time when she would start sending him messages and calling him. And it was in those moments when his world would awake from a lonely, cold night into a warm, wonderful one. He felt a slight tug at his hollow heart as he stared at his phone and hoped for it to light up and for her name to appear among his notifications. Seconds passed. Nothing changed. His world remained as it was. He lowered his eyes. It was stupid, hoping and waiting for something that wasn’t going to come. Not after what happened that day. There was another tug at his heart and he buried his head in his arms.

The whole entire thing was foolish. It wasn’t something that was meant to last long. It couldn’t last, anyway. They both knew it. They were both celebrities. They were both busy all the time. They couldn’t go out on proper dates or meet up properly. They couldn’t even tell anyone unless they wanted their careers to end. And yet, despite all that, despite everything that was going against them, they decided to have a go at it anyway.

‘How could I have been so stupid?’, he thought.

But there was just something about her that just drew him in. At first, he couldn’t figure out what it was that made him so interested in her. But then he realized that it wasn’t one particular thing that drew him in. It was multiple things: her soft smile, the radiance in her eyes, the passion she had as she performed, her overflowing charisma and the list goes on. Everything about her made him feel warm inside. And he was smart enough to know that what he felt was something very dangerous, especially since it could easily develop into something much more. So he tried to avoid her at all costs, he really did.

He looked up at the window to find the moonlight creeping into the room, illuminating his surroundings. He let out a breath. It looked so beautiful and yet, he couldn’t feel anything but pain because it reminded him of her too much. He looked up at the ceiling as he breathed heavily.

‘This entire thing is foolish,’ he thought. ‘What am I doing to myself?’

It hurt to think about her, to remember her. But it hurt even more not to. Because not thinking about her meant that he was left all alone in the cold darkness. That made him very much afraid. He didn’t have the strength to be brave. Not when he knew he had to let go of she who brought him strength and courage. No. He couldn’t do it alone. Not yet. And so, even if he felt like his heart was being ripped apart, even if he felt as if he was hearing ever goodbye he had heard all being said at once, even if it felt like losing the light of the sun after living in darkness, even if it felt like he couldn’t breathe, he thought of her. She, who, perhaps, would soon become his most painful and most beautiful memory. He thought and he remembered. Perhaps, all too much.

He remembered the day when everything started. As much as he tried to stay away, he just couldn’t stop looking at her. He had tried so hard. But her presence was as radiant as the sun. He just couldn’t ignore it. So he relished in all the small things. The small glances. The opportunity to sit near them during specials. The backstage interactions. Eventually, one thing led to another and he found himself with her phone number. Then before he knew it, he was calling and texting her every single day. Every day was beautiful. They made it beautiful. Together. No matter how far they were from each other, no matter how much they knew that they would never last. When they were together, time became meaningless. They only knew of a moment filled with only a boy, a girl, and infinite love. Flashes of her soft smile, the slight blush on her cheeks, the shy eye glances when she passed him by backstage and how she would call out his name passed by his mind. He smiled to himself. The warmth in his heart had grew and grew until only she became its sole occupant.

As he stared at the soft moonlight, he remembered the one night when he had met up with her. It was only once since they couldn’t risk being caught. It was late and they met far away where they couldn’t be seen. He remembered how warm that night felt, although it was a winter night. His hands holding hers as they stared up into the heavens. His arms around her as they laughed and talked about their lives and how hard they ignored each other on camera and on stage. His lips lightly pressed against her forehead for they did not dare go further in fear of being caught. He remembered how it felt being with her and how he could pretend that they weren’t who they were. He remembered her soft whispers that filled his heart and the warmth in her eyes that made the night disappear. He remembered the happiness and brilliance that they shared. He remembered the soft but promising parting they had when the night began to say its goodbyes. He could almost feel her presence as he thought about her.

Unconsciously, he looked at his clock and his phone. She still hasn’t contacted or called. He sighed as he got his phone and opened it. He scrolled through their messages. He could hear her voice and her gentle laugh as he read. A wave of emotions came over him. He drowned in happiness, in sadness, in anxiousness, in anger. Because of her, he swam against the tides of every spectrum of human emotion. His heart sang. His soul shouted. His mind cried. But they all called out for the same thing. They called out her name. They called out for her.

But he couldn’t. Especially not now. People were getting suspicious. They were becoming much too obvious. Slowly, the hate comments and death threats trickled in. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take not being able to be there for her and not being there to protect her. But this was the risk that they knowingly took. As much as they had tried to fight against the system, as much as they believed that they could go against it together, in the end, they couldn’t. And in the end, it became so much more evident; this was so much more than just about them. This was about their careers, their groupmates, their companies, their dreams. This was about everything.

He sighed as he closed his phone. He didn’t want to face the incoming reality anymore. He just wanted to stay in a stagnant moment of time. He looked up at the ceiling and sighed. His eyes fluttered shut. With every breath he took, turmoil entered him. It grew and grew as he wished and wished. Wished for the lonely night to end. Wished for strength. Wished for happiness. Wished for warmth and light.

He wished for her.

As if someone had heard his wish, a notification. He opened his eyes and quickly got his phone. A smile grew on his face as he read what was on his phone. The night immediately transformed. All his worries disappeared. He found peace, although it was momentary.

‘Are you there, Jimin?’

-------

HE stood across her. It was a rare moment for them to actually meet and be alone together backstage. It was short but enough. Enough for what he was about to do, anyway. The space between them seemed like an invisible wall. Neither took a step closer to the other. The air was tense and heavy with words and thoughts unsaid. His heart was heavy as well. But he needed to say it. He needed to do it. His mind screamed. He had so many other things to say, so many words that should’ve been said. Instead, he uttered only 3 words.

‘Let’s break up.’

She stared at him, her face displaying no emotion. But he could read what she felt from her eyes. He could see the pain, the dismay, and the anger, but mostly, he could see the understanding. She knew. She had to. This was where it was all leading up to anyway. It wasn’t that they both weren’t strong enough to fight for what they had. They just both knew that this was so much more about them. They couldn’t afford to be selfish. Not when their entire world was on the line. This was the price they paid for their dreams. One of the endless sacrifices they had to make. So, even if it meant that they had to give up on each other and let go, they couldn’t let everyone else down.

He looked away from her. He couldn’t bear to look at her and see what she felt, especially when it eerily mirrored his own emotions. She laid her hand on his arm and he looked up at her. Her eyes filled with warmth and her smile as radiant as ever. He couldn’t take it. He had to do it, even if it was just once. He pulled her into his arms and laid his lips against hers. They kissed slowly and gently, passionately and sadly. Tears streamed down both of their faces as they tried to tell each other the 3 words that haven’t been uttered yet: “I love you.”

And with that, he let go of her and she let go of him. Both of them thinking that it would’ve been a wonderful first kiss if it wasn’t their last.

I want to breathe, I hate this night

I want to wake up, I hate this dream

I’m trapped inside of myself and I’m dead

Don’t wanna be lonely,

Just wanna be yours.

SAVE ME (bts)