“Stop.”

I pushed her away. She stood a foot away from me, but it might as well have been the ocean.

“This is not what friends do.”

I could see her bite her bottom lip. The lip that was on me just seconds ago.

“Let’s go. I’m sure the others are waiting.”

opened to say something.

I jump awake. My alarm screams in my ear. It was another bad dream.

It’s been two months since I’ve started high school. It’s a high school that I’ve always wanted to go to, but mostly because it was due to a promise.

                “We should go this school.” Hyejin says.

“Why?” I reply.

“Apparently it’s one of the top art school’s in Seoul. And their uniforms are cute.”

I laugh. Hyejin always makes me laugh.

“Okay.” I agree. “We’ll leave this town and be like one of those Seoul girls.”

Hyejin giggles, wrapping her arm around my shoulders.

“I can just picture you in the uniform.” Hyejin says. “You’ll be the cutest girl there.”

Even though the uniform is cute, I’m definitely not the cutest. I underestimated Seoul girls.

“Wheein.”

I look at Namjoo, and she’s staring at me. She’s one of those girls. I didn’t think I would fit in with all these city girls, but luckily, they’re all have been pretty nice. Especially, Namjoo, who sits next to me in class.

“Did you even hear what I said?” Namjoo questions.

I shake my head and she sighs.

“Did you want to go to a mixer tonight?” Namjoo asks. “One of the older girl’s in my club said there’ll be another one in a café close to school.”

“I can’t tonight. I need to make dinner.” I reply.

“That’s a shame. Well, there’s always next time.”

There is always next time. I should think of my next excuse.

It is true that I am making dinner tonight, but I only live alone, with my cat. My parents had bought me a small apartment in Seoul so that I could attend my high school, trusting me to look after myself and pursue my dream. 

Plus, I’ve never really been interested in mixers. Just the thought of different boys trying to hit on any girl made me cringe.

I wonder if Hyejin is getting these types of invites. I wonder, if she goes. For some reason, that thought makes my heart ache.

                “We should play hooky today.” Hyejin suggests. “I want to go to the arcade.”

I quickly agree. I always agreed when Hyejin wanted to skip school. We both found it tedious, and it isn’t like studying is our dream. We are going to be artists.

As usual, we walk into school, but we quickly get changed and we sneak out of the back gate. It’s a quick ride to the arcade and we are one of the few people inside. The first stop is always karaoke. We sing and dance for almost an hour. We got onto the next games, print out some photos from the photo booth, and before we know it, it’s almost home time. For the finale, we move on to play ice hockey. There’s a sudden increase in chatter and we notice a trio of boys enter the cool arcade. I can tell they’re high school students from their uniform. I concentrate back onto the game, but the guys must have focussed on us.

“Hey.” one of them greets.

Our game just finishes but the guys hover around the table.

“Are you high school students? What school do you go to?” the other one asks.

“What’s your KaTalk ID? We can chat on there.”

Their questions bombarded me like bullets and I feel uncomfortable. Suddenly, one of them comes next to me, sitting on the edge of the table. He’s totally invading my personal space.

“You’re pretty cute.” his low voice says. If he wasn’t so cocky, I probably would have been attracted to him. However, in this moment, it creeps me out.

“What’s your name?”

Out of the blue, someone grabs my hand. Before I pull it back, I realise it’s Hyejin. She looks furious.

“She’s mine. You can’t have her.”

We storm out before the older boys can even call to us.

“Thanks Hyejin.” I say, when we’re safely on the bus home.

“It’s okay. No way am I going to let a random guy try and take you.”

I notice Hyejin is still holding my hand. It’s warm. I lay my head on her shoulder and the bus slowly rocks me to sleep. I hope these days last forever.

“Wheein.” Hyejin whispers.

“Mm?” I sound, although I’m slowly drifting away.

“Promise me you’ll tell me first when you get a boyfriend.”

“Of course.” I say, before falling asleep.

It’s raining when I step out of the convenience store. I’m glad I brought my umbrella and it’s a short walk to my apartment. I’m about to turn a corner, but I freeze.

I almost don’t recognise her. It isn’t until she turns fully around.

Her long black hair is almost completely gone, turned into a wavy bob. She has lost some of her baby fat, leaving a contoured face. She’s stunning.

“Wheein?”

Hyejin is standing with another girl, at a corner of the crossing. She approaches me. The rain drowns out my pounding heart.

“How are you?” Hyejin asks.

Her smile is the same. She’s acting so normal. I should be doing the same.

“I’m good.” I return, forcing a smile. “You cut your hair.”

“Yeah.” Hyejin says, running her fingers through the thick strands. “I joined a dance club and it’s easier to move with.”

Dance? I remembered when Hyejin used to sing and dance around the classroom, but I always thought it was just one of her childish acts. I never knew she was actually serious about dance.

“Who’s this Hyejin?” asks the girl who is next to her.

I just notice they’re sharing an umbrella. She’s already made friends. However, what did I expect. Hyejin was always good at making friends. Much better than me.

“It’s my old friend from middle school.” Hyejin answers.

Old friend? Is that who I am now? A familiar ache echoes inside me.

“The one from Jeonju? Nice to meet you. I’m Sowon.”

I greet her and I look at their uniforms.

“I like your uniform.” I continue. “It definitely suits you more than my school.”

That’s right. I need to remind myself, Hyejin chose to go to a different school. She wanted us to separate. She's made new friends. We aren’t best friends anymore. 

There’s an air of hesitation. I don’t know what to do or what I should say. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her, I want to talk to her more. Yet, I’m not sure if Hyejin feels the same.

“I just remembered, we made plans, right?” Hyejin suddenly says to me.

Before I can respond, Hyejin is underneath my umbrella, her hand wrapped around mine which is gripping the umbrella handle. It’s warm.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Sowon. Thanks for sharing your umbrella with me.”

We exchange byes and before I know it, Hyejin is in my room. I bring us tea while Hyejin sits on my bed. It reminds me of the time from middle school, when we would always hang out. I wish it could be like that now.

“You’ve coloured your hair.” Hyejin says. “I like it brown.”

“Thanks.” I reply. I wanted to dye it as soon as I got to Seoul; I would fit in with the trendy people.

“So, when are you going to show me your uniform?” Hyejin asks.

“Huh?”

“Your high school uniform. I want to see you wear it.”

Hyejin smiles calmly at me. It was a simple request. It would be weird if I denied it, especially after all this time of us not spending time together.

“Sure.” I hesitantly agree.

I take out the uniform and I turn my back to Hyejin. I pull off my hoodie and slowly begin to take off the rest of my clothes. I don’t know why my fingers tremble and my cheeks are hot. We’ve changed in front of each other all the time. So, why is it that her gaze, which I can feel, makes me… nervous.

I finally stand in front of Hyejin, in my uniform. Her eyes are focussed on me. My arms cross over my body. Her gaze makes me shy. However, her eyes shift. She looks as if she’s ashamed. Why is it that I keep feeling this ache in my chest?

“You really are cute.” Hyejin mutters. “The uniform suits you.”

She says that, but Hyejin could have been with me. We could have spent the same time together, like we did in middle school. But she chose to go. She left me.

“You could have worn the same uniform.” I find myself saying. “Why did you go to a different school?”

I feel resolve crumble. I didn’t want to cry, but I feel my tears well into my eyes.

“Didn’t we promise to go to the same one?” I demand. “We used to spend every day together. But now you’re not there.”

My tears stream down my face and my palms cover my eyes, trying to push them back.

“I keep thinking about you every day.” I sob. “Why did you leave me?”

Suddenly, Hyejin’s arms are around me. I’m sinking against her body, her hand shielding my head. My tears are staining her uniform, but she doesn’t mind. She just holds me, until I calm down. Finally, my weeps subside and only brief hiccups remain.

“I just want us to be friends.” I whisper.

“We can’t be friends Wheein.”

I glance up at Hyejin. Her eyes are shiny. Glowing with unshed tears.

“Why?” I ask.

Hyejin’s gaze says it all, but she continues.

“You know why.”

                Even though there’s no one in the classroom, we hide behind the thin curtains. We always like to have our privacy. We are talking about something, and that’s when I notice Hyejin isn’t responding. My head faces her as she doesn’t answer. I ask her if something is wrong. She just smiles.

Hyejin kisses me.

It’s soft and gentle. She draws back and I realise I had forgotten to breathe. I notice her piercing eyes. They’re moist. Starry with unshed tears. I notice she’s so close. Too close.

“Stop.” I say.

I push her away, stepping back. We’re a foot apart now. The way Hyejin looks at me makes me want to cry. However, I’m terrified.

“This is not what friends do.” I reason.

I can’t hide my shaky voice. This is unknown territory that I can’t bring myself to step into.

“Let’s go. I’m sure the others are waiting.”

Hyejin opens but I’ve already pulled back the curtains, revealing the real world – the world where it’s not just the two of us. The world where everyone judges everybody. Hyejin wants to say something but I don’t stay to listen.

I’m so in my head that I don’t realise Hyejin hasn’t followed me.

Jisoo and Nayeon are normal and they don’t notice anything. Hyejin comes a moment later, smiling. We leave to head home, the four of us in a line. Usually, Hyejin is next to me, but this time she’s on the opposite side, talking with Nayeon. Graciously, Hyejin pretends like nothing happened, even though my heart is still pounding in my chest.

I just want us to be friends.

Hyejin acted the same. We talked the same. We laughed the same. She still asked me to hang out after school. She was still my friend.

However, a couple of weeks later, Hyejin calls me to say she applied for a different school. It was still in Seoul and it was a top performing arts school. However, it was at least thirty minutes away from mine.

I realised, I was so concerned about myself that I didn’t realise I lost my best friend.

I couldn’t lose her again.

Suddenly, Hyejin pulls back, keeping me at arms’ length.

“I should go.” she says.

I hold onto her.

“Don’t go.”

The truth is, I knew of Hyejin’s feelings. I just couldn’t bring myself to accept them. They were too raw and it made me burn. I recoiled because I didn't want to be hurt. But I find myself embracing the flames now. 

“If I don’t go, I won’t be able to control myself.”

Hyejin’s voice is as low and husky as I’ve ever heard it, and it makes my blood pulse.

This is not friends do.

However, my pounding chest and my longing to see Hyejin – I wonder if it’s what normal friends feel?

These last two months I’ve never felt so lonely. When I thought of Hyejin, my chest constantly ached, and whenever I thought of our kiss, and when I laid eyes on Hyejin for the first time in a while, my blood felt like it was boiling. Even now I feel like I’m going to faint. I know the cause.

It’s my heart.

Hyejin didn’t leave me. I was the one that left Hyejin.

Even after she took the courage to show me her feelings, I pushed her away. I was the one that ended the relationship. She was the one that took the step to protect our friendship, to protect us. Hyejin was so kind, she continued to be my friend. Why can I only understand now?

I cling onto Hyejin. I was so afraid of change. I didn’t want to lose Hyejin. Yet, I still ended up losing her. With Hyejin in front of me, so close, I can’t bear to stay away from her.

“Even though you change your hair, you make new friends, I can’t bear to not see you anymore. Do you hate me?”

“Wheein.”

I look up. I can’t read her expression.

“I want to kiss you, I want to touch you. I want to do things that friends don’t do.”

She looks as if she wants to cry. I hate that I’m the one that hurt Hyejin.

“Is that alright? What do you think of that?” she asks.  

I want to hold her, to kiss her, to… touch her. I want to do everything that just friends wouldn’t do.

“We don’t have to be friends.” I say.

I kiss Hyejin.

It’s soft and gentle. It tastes like salt and cherry chap-stick. I don’t want it to end.

However, it does. We break apart and I gaze at Hyejin. There’s a glimmering trail on her cheek, evidence of her finally crying.

Hyejin stares at me. I want her to keep solely looking at me.

“Stay.”

Hyejin opens to say something, but she stops. She smiles.

“I’m sorry.” I can finally say. “For all the trouble I’ve caused.”

She shakes her head.

“I’m so happy.” Hyejin whispers.

She pulls me into another embrace. Hyejin’s head tucks into my shoulder and I hold onto her. I’m no longer afraid. Hyejin is with me.

I glance outside my bedroom window and it’s no longer raining. The sun is now shining.

Spring is coming.

A/N: 

Happy Easter fellow Moos! Here's a little April treat (my way of releasing my angsty heart)