Jimin was sitting against his bathtub tearfully, using the long sleeve of his sweater to wipe away the wet from his face. He grunted as he kicked off his shoes to the corner. In his other hand he held an open bottle of scotch, making sure he didn’t spill any on the letters that were on the floor. He took a heavy sip of the alcohol, setting it beside him and picking up one of the envelopes. Tears continuously sprang to his eyes and he blinked them away. He lifted the flap to the already opened envelope and removed the old paper within.

 

“Jimin,

This isn’t a letter, not just any letter.

It’s a reminder that---- Jiminie is SOOO CUTE.

HAHAHA, really, the kind of face you see in dreams.

 

-Taehyung”

 

A soft chuckle escaped Jimin’s lips. He remembered the night he found the note tucked between the books of his bookcase. Taehyung, his very best friend, had slept over his place the night before. Jimin took another sip of scotch as the memories crept back into his mind.

 

Jimin and Taehyung sat on Jimin’s bed in their pajamas as they played Uno. Taehyung had only two cards left. He laughed melodiously as Jimin picked up card after card, trying to find a match for the yellow 6 that was in the discarded pile.

“Yah! Why am I only getting reds and blues?? You’re bad at shuffling!” Jimin said agitatedly, only causing Taehyung to laugh more.

“You should give up now; I’m just one away from Uno.” Taehyung smiled and hummed tauntingly. “I’m the reigning champ, I will never be defeated!” He stood on the bed, pumping his fists in the air and mimicking a cheering crowd.

“YAH! You’re messing with the deck!” As he said that, Jimin noticed a draw four at the same time Taehyung did. He laughed uproariously. They took their card playing seriously.

“HEY!” Taehyung pointed at Jimin. “If you use that, you have to give me a kiss right here.” He tapped at his cheek with a smile.

“Tch. I don’t have to do anything! DRAW FOUR!” Jimin threw the card onto the discarded pile, which brought Taehyung to his knees.

Taehyung breathed heavily, as though out of breath, his head bowed. “You play a good game, Jimin, but you don’t follow rules well.” Jimin looked at him confused. “I said you had to give me a kiss if you used that card!”

Jimin held his hands up. “Stop,” he laughed as Taehyung crawled toward him. “Get away from me.”

Taehyung pounced on Jimin, causing him to drop all his cards. He pretended to take big bites out of Jimin’s sides. Jimin couldn’t stop giggling as he was very ticklish.

“I need the kiss! I need it to go on!” Taehyung pinned Jimin’s wrists onto the bed above his head. He wore a huge grin listening to Jimin’s laughs. He could listen to it all day. He noticed the rise and fall of Jimin’s chest and really stared at the man underneath him.

Jimin’s laugh subsided. Taehyung’s eyes were intense and he gulped. “It looks like you’re going to kiss me instead,” he joked.

“Do you want me to?” Taehyung quietly asked. They stayed that way a moment more and Taehyung pulled away. He boyishly scratched the back of his head. “Kidding.” He flashed a smile and got off the bed.

 

Later that night, the two nestled into Jimin’s bed, facing each other. Taehyung tightly held on to a pillow. “You know what I realized?” he asked.

“What?”

“How good-looking you are.”

“Stop,” Jimin chuckled shyly. “Anyway, you just noticed?”

Taehyung smirked at that. He turned to lie on his back and stared at the ceiling. “Actually, I always knew. But I guess I never knew just how much.” He closed his eyes. “And how much you make me…” Taehyung slowly drifted away.

“Make you what?” Jimin whispered, but he knew it was no use as Taehyung already fell asleep.

Jimin watched his friend sleeping. And he sort of wished it was he that Taehyung was holding so tightly and not the pillow.

 

Jimin clutched at his chest. His heart felt like it was about to explode. He gasped for air. He suddenly felt suffocated and closed in. He shakily reached for the next letter.

 

“Jimin,

I know you already know, but I can’t say it enough. Thank you for being there during my hardest times, during the nights I stayed up crying and couldn’t fall asleep, during the times I feel unsure and insecure of myself. You lift me up with your wings and wrap me in warmth. You make me feel whole again by being you.

Love,

Taehyung”

 

He remembered what prompted this letter. Taehyung had gotten into a car accident. The other car he hit was a woman and her daughter who was a ballet dancer. Taehyung was in despair, worried that he might’ve ruined the little girl’s life.

 

Jimin rushed into Taehyung’s apartment. He scanned the room and found Taehyung on the living room floor. He quickly ran to him and dropped to his knees beside him.

“Taehyung? Taehyung! What’s wrong?” Jimin’s eyes were wild with concern. “I got your text. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls. I tried calling back! I, I—”

Taehyung was inconsolable. Jimin felt like tearing out the hair in his head he hurt so bad seeing Taehyung like this. “Talk to me! I need you to talk to me!” Jimin wrapped his arms around him.

“I hit her,” Taehyung said sniffling.

“What?”

“I hit her!” Taehyung said again. “She’s only 8 years old and I—”

“You were in an accident? Are you hurt?!” Jimin only cared about Taehyung right then and there.

“No! Who cares! What have I done?” Taehyung could not stop his sobbing.

After several minutes of Jimin trying to get the story out of Taehyung, he got the picture. Taehyung had missed a stop sign and hit the side of a car straight on. The little girl had her leg up against the passenger seat and the accident fractured her ankle. Taehyung was with the mother and child the entire time, even in the hospital. Although the doctor said the little girl was likely to recover well, Taehyung was beside himself.

“The doctor said she would be okay, Taehyung,” Jimin softly said as he rubbed the other’s back. “Everything is going to be okay.”

“But he can’t be 100% sure. Her ankle will probably never be the same again, even if she recovers well.” Taehyung’s sobs slowed. He rested his head on Jimin’s shoulder. “And that’s because of me. I feel like some kind of monster.”

Jimin ran his fingers through Taehyung’s hair. He gave a sad smile. “A monster? You were there for her. You offered to pay for anything insurance might not cover. I don’t know a monster that would do any of that.” Poor Taehyung, Jimin thought. Taehyung really loved people, especially kids, so he understood why he was so broken up about this. “It was an accident. That’s something you can’t really help in life. The only way you can avoid them is by doing nothing, and that’s not really living, now is it?”

Taehyung shook his head. He wrapped his arms around Jimin as well. “You’re my angel,” he whispered.

 

Thinking back to Taehyung’s pained face brought about all the same sad emotions Jimin felt at that time. It was difficult, and Taehyung wasn’t all right for a while, but they got through it together. They were always together, but not anymore.

Jimin clenched his teeth. He had told Taehyung that accidents couldn’t be helped. Well, this couldn’t be helped either. Life was cruel like that. His head was fuzzy from the alcohol, but he wasn’t completely drunk. He built up a tolerance through time. After all, this was one of many nights he cried on the bathroom floor with his scotch.

“And you’ll never leave me,” he said as he picked up the scotch by the neck of the bottle. He took yet another swig of it before reaching for another envelope. He sighed as he read,

 

“To my Jimin,

That night we had a sleepover, I wanted you to kiss me. I didn’t know how else to do it so I tried to trick you into it. And then, I wanted to kiss you. I’ve wanted to kiss you so bad since then. I finally got the courage tonight to do it. With your hand in mine and your lips on mine, on my body, I think I got to know what heaven on earth is like. Now, I don’t have the courage to say this to you, but I need to let it spill before my heart bursts, so I will in this letter.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Always yours,

Taehyung”

 

Jimin put his fingertips to his lips. The warmth and love of Taehyung seemed to flicker there but a second. It was a moment he could never forget.

 

It was dark; the stars twinkled in the sky. Jimin and Taehyung were on the balcony of an empty stadium. They snuck up there at times, always talking through the night and enjoying each other’s company. Jimin leaned against the railing and looked down, Taehyung following suit.

“What if I jumped?” Taehyung asked lightheartedly. “Or, what if the railing gave out and I plummet to my death?”

“That’s morbid,” Jimin said, smirking. “Taehyung, no! I can’t live without you!” His arms were outstretched towards the ground as though Taehyung had fallen.

“I bet,” Taehyung slid next to Jimin, “Jiminie really can’t live without me.”

“Jimin laughed. “Whatever.”

“Tell me! Jiminie can’t live without me!” Taehyung acted like he was a child and stomped his foot.

Jimin scrunched his nose. “There was a time I lived without knowing you existed, you know,” he said playfully. Taehyung’s smile slightly faded and Jimin noticed. It was a joke but Jimin knew Taehyung took it a little too seriously. “…But it’s a time I wouldn’t know how to get back to.”

Taehyung sighed, of relief or exhaustion Jimin couldn’t tell. “People change your life, even if you don’t want them to” he said wistfully.

“You’re making it sound like you didn’t want it to happen this time,” Jimin said with a sad chuckle.

“You’re the best thing to ever happen,” Taehyung said sharply. “Don’t ever question that.”

“Ha…~” Jimin suddenly felt shy and on edge. There was heaviness in the air, the kind that made goosebumps and tingles down your spine.

Taehyung took Jimin’s hand from the railing and interlaced his fingers with Jimin’s. “The best thing…to ever happen to me,” he said hesitantly.

Heat filled Jimin’s cheeks. He was thankful it was dark out so Taehyung couldn’t see. His eyes darted side to side. He didn’t know what to say. And the next thing he knew, Taehyung was extremely close, their noses almost touching.

“Jimin-ah,” Taehyung whispered into the night, and he closed the gap between them. He kissed Jimin fervently. Jimin’s lips didn’t move at first, but then they matched the same speed and passion as Taehyung.

And then Taehyung suddenly pulled away. Jimin stood there, his eyes still closed. He felt cold now. When he opened his eyes he saw Taehyung sitting against a wall a few feet away. Taehyung half smiled as Jimin approached him.

Jimin kneeled in front of Taehyung and grabbed at his sweatshirt, bringing him into another kiss.

Jimin shook his head as though that would get rid of the memories.

Their hands hurriedly moved along each other’s bodies, they grabbed at each other’s clothes.

He was about to reach for the scotch.

Jimin bit along Taehyung’s neck and collarbone. Taehyung moaned softly.

He slammed his fists onto the floor.

A shirtless Taehyung was on top of Jimin, and Jimin’s eyes glanced to Taehyung’s hands that were fiddling at the button of his pants.

“Stop!” Jimin grabbed at his hair.

Jimin put his hands on Taehyung’s. Taehyung stopped and let Jimin unbutton his pants for him.

“NO! WHY?” Jimin screamed. He got up and paced the little room. All he wanted to do was tear off his skin, any and every part that he could feel Taehyung. “Why…?” he said, his voice small now. He whimpered and reached for the next envelope.

 

“Jimin,

I’m sorry for everything. Everything. I don’t know if you having to know me is a good or bad thing anymore. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you. Jimin, I’m sorry… I should I have never acted on my feelings. I was selfish. I was wrong. Forgive me. Please forgive me.

Taehyung”

 

He got down and curled up into a ball. He should have seen it coming—the start of the end.

 

Jimin was in the back of the café he worked at washing his hands. He wiped his wet hands on his apron as he made his way out of the employee area to look for a coworker. As his eyes scanned the front of the café, he saw Taehyung seated.

He was with a girl.

Jimin stood on his tiptoes to get a better look as people moved around the place. He saw Taehyung and the girl laughing with each other. Who was she? He felt a pang of jealousy in his chest. Taehyung’s hands reached across the table to hold the girl’s.

He didn’t understand. Taehyung and he were close, but he had never mentioned any girl. Was she a friend, a family member? The looked too intimate to be related.

“Jimin, get back to work!” the manager yelled.

“Ah, yes,” Jimin said with a quick bow and headed towards the back again.

 

Later that night, Taehyung visited Jimin at his apartment. Jimin opened the door, his face deadpan.

“Hi,” Taehyung said sweetly. He closed the door behind him. “You okay?”

Jimin gave him a fake smile. “I saw you today at the café, you didn’t say hi?”

Taehyung scratched the back of his head. “I didn’t see you. I figured you were busy. Sorry.” He gave a small laugh.

“I saw you.” Jimin’s phony smile widened. “Who was that you were with?”

“Ah! That was my date.”

Jimin felt his heart drop to his stomach. “Date? You never told me about her or that you were going on a date.” The word was filled with venom as it dripped off his tongue. “Wow, Taehyung on a date.”

“Yeah, we’ve been talking for a little while…”

“Mhm.”

Taehyung gave a toothy grin. “Jiminie is jealous.” He went up to Jimin and poked Jimin’s cheeks. “Jealous?”

Jimin quickly turned around, heat rising in his neck to his cheeks. “Jealous? Why would I ever be?” He tried to contain the anger that was boiling inside.

“It’s okay,” Taehyung said. He put his arms around Jimin from behind. Jimin slowly relaxed into Taehyung and tentatively reached up to place his hands on Taehyung’s arms. “You look cute when you’re jealous!”

Jimin inhaled a sharp breath of air. He threw Taehyung’s arms off him. “Is everything a joke to you?” he yelled as he spun around.

“Jimin-ah…?”

“Months ago you kissed me and we…we…” Jimin blushed. “Did you not mean what you said in the letter?!” Jimin held his breath. Knots formed in his throat and stomach.

“I…of course I meant it…” Taehyung reached a hand to Jimin as he slowly approached him. “Jimin, I think I made a mistake…”

“Kissing me was a mistake?” Jimin asked exasperatedly. “No, I made the mistake of ever letting myself get wrapped up in you!” Tears sprang to Jimin’s eyes.

Tears also threatened to fall from Taehyung’s eyes. His breathing became rapid, he was on the verge of a panic attack, but he left the apartment before he could break down in front of Jimin.

Jimin was glad. Good riddance, he thought. He cried out.

He just wanted Taehyung.

 

The bathroom floor was cold, but Jimin couldn’t feel it with the heat that emanated from his body. The thoughts, the feelings, the memories of Taehyung brought the worst pain, a burning pain. Taehyung filled his life with so much happiness and laughter, but he never knew that Taehyung would also bring about such agony.

After that day, they saw each other less and less. And then even less than that. It was hard—the most difficult thing Jimin had ever gone through. He hadn’t known heartache before and he never thought he would ever regret having Taehyung as his best friend.

Jimin sat up. There was one last envelope. He laughed maniacally at it. It really was laughable. He opened it up.

 

“You are invited to the wedding of Kim Taehyung and Gong Yerin.”

 

He tore it to pieces.