Chapter 5 / Consequence
Changsub's POV

I've been staring at my phone for so long, contemplating whether to apologize to Chorong or not. Seriously, what is so hard about sending a simple 'I'm sorry.' text?

I exhaled and pushed my phone under the pillow. I stared at the ceiling and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep again. Every night feels like a battle with awakeness. I couldn't sleep because my mind doesn't stop thinking.

I think about Naeun and our memories. I think about our present and how we didn't even officially break up. I think about the ring in her finger. I think about her fiancé and how good looking the jerk is. I think about mom. I think about Bomi. I think about music. And I think about Chorong.

When the clock's hands turned to three-twenty, I got up and took a sleeping pill from the medicine cabinet. I swallowed one and drank water, and then I settled myself to sleep.

#

When Bomi left the house for work, I jailed myself in my room and grabbed the guitar, a pen and a paper to try to create a new songㅡbut after several minutes, I gave up because my mind is empty. This is partly why I don't want to do music anymoreㅡbecause music doesn't want me anymore. I am uninspired and I don't find the words to write, or the melody to strum. I am unlively and music is supposed to make you feel alive.

#

At eleven-forty-five, something came into the mail: a wedding invitation from Naeun.

I wanted to tear it apart, but instead, I shoved it into my drawer and closed it carefully as if it's a monster that might eat me if it gets out.

#

At twelve, I was staring at the unsent message I typed last night for Chorong.

I'm sorry.

And I thought about what she said: "She's happy. Don't show her how miserable you are because you won't get her back that way."

I know I won't ever get her back, but something inside me lit up a fire. I want her to see that I'm not miserable, that I'm alright, that I can be happy without her too.

So I finally sent a message to Chorong.

I'm sorry. Can I call you?

#

Chorong's POV

"Heol!"

I sat straight up and stared closer at my phone screen. I blinked twice. The message is real.

Lee Changsub:
I'm sorry. Can I call you?

"What's that?" Namjoo asked, trying to peep on the phone and then she squealed. "Ohmygosh! Who is that?"

"What is it? What is it?" Eunji asked but before she could look at the message, I slid the phone inside my pocket.

"Eonni!" Namjoo called. "Do you have a new guy?"

"What? What are you hiding from us?" Eunji asked.

I grabbed a potato chip and a smile crept on my face as I chewed. "Nothing."

"Your face says another!" She said.

I grinned. "Shutup. It's not like that."

"Then who is it? What is that?" she asked.

"He's a singer and I want him to sing my song. That's just it. I'm happy because he might say yes."

But of course, they didn't stop teasing meㅡbecause they want me to move on, but really, Changsub isn't the answer. I don't need someone as broken as I am.

#

"WHAT?" I asked, a little mindblown.

I and Changsub are in the Moonlight café again. He called asking to meet up.

I blinked and tried to clear my mind. "You're asking me to keep pretending as your girlfriend. Did I hear that right?"

He nodded. "Just for another time. At the wedding."

I took a sip of my iced latte. "She invited you to her wedding? What the hell!"

He shrugged. "I guess she thinks I'm alright now."

I sipped again. This is like the usual boy problems I and my friends had, except Changsub is a boy and his problem is a girl and I need to pretend to be his girl at the wedding.

"What is it for me? I mean, what am I earning over this?"

"Anything you want."

My mouth quirked up. "Anything?"

"You won't ask me to strip , would you?"

I frowned. "What theㅡew!"

He laughed, his eyes disappearing into thin linesㅡand I felt a strange knot in my stomach. I stared at him because he's laughing and he suddenly looked like a different person, like an easy-going, warm person. Not the cold, sad one. He stared at me and he stopped laughing because he can't believe he just did that, I could see it on his face.

We both cleared our throats.

"If you want me to pretend to be your girl one more time, I want you to continue your music. That's what I want." I told him.

This time, he sipped hard from his coffee, his cheeks sinking. "What is it with you and music?"

"I'm a songwriter and I find your voice amazing. No," I said. "You moved me the first time I heard you sing, so I want you to make a song with me."

"You do realize that I haven't even debuted yet? And I've stopped training for two years."

I heard from Bomi that he just got out of his military service and that it's probably the reason why Naeun looked for someone else and why Changsub stopped making music, or singing.

I smiled sweetly. "I know." I said. "Which agency were you training in before? We'll get you back on track."

"You just said that like you want to be my manager."

I shrugged. "Not really, but I won't mind if the pay is right." I answered with a grin.

He shook his head. "Look, I will try, but I'm not promising anything because right now..." He paused as if choosing his words carefully. "I'm justㅡuninspired."

I sighed and said, "Then we'll get you inspired. When's the wedding?"

"This Sunday."

"Great."

#

Changsub's POV

All night long, I was asking myself if I did the right thing. Chorong texted me her address and asked me to pick her up on the wedding day as if I have a car.

At half past eleven, I dialed a friend's number for the first time since I came out of the army.

His words were: "Hyung! Why did you just call me now? I've been waiting for you to ask me outㅡnot in that way, I mean, to hang out. I didn't call you because I thought I should give you time to adjust! Eunkwang hyung updated me about things that happened to you. Hello? Hyung? Are you there? Helloooo?"

I frowned and put the phone closer to my ear after taking it away for a second. "How am I supposed to speak when you won't let me?"

"Hyung!" He called happily. "Where are you? Should I drop by?"

"Sungjae-ah,"

"What? Should I drop by?"  He repeated.

"Can you let me borrow your car?"

"Car? Which one?"

"Are you bragging?"

He laughed. "Alright, I'll bring it right now."

By quarter to twelve, Sungjae's at my door. He brought canned beers and food.

"You want to drink in the middle of the night?" I asked.

He walked into the house, to my room. "I'm very stressed about college. Let me drink myself to sleep." He said.

He stayed in my room where we drank and ate, and talked until he dozed off, rambling on how senior year is depressing for him.

Sungjae and I have four years but we became friends anyway when we were still both training to be a singer. Apparently, he quit too because he wants to fullfil his parents' wish firstㅡand that is for him to get a degree, a diploma. Sungjae himself is a good singer. I wonder what would Chorong think if she hears him sing.

I dragged him to my bed and cleaned up the mess we made before I also climbed on the bed beside him. I stared at the ceiling for a good couple of minutes and because I drank this time, I fell asleep immediately.

#

Sunday. The wedding day.

I woke up with a sinking feeling in my chest. I thought I wouldn't be able to pull myself out of the bed.

Naeun is getting married today. The girl I was planning to marry two years ago is getting married to another man today.

I accidentally moved the shower and hot water rushed down my skin, making it red. I should press cold water because it hurtsㅡbut I wanted to hurt. I want to hurt so much physically so that I could forget about the emotional pain I'm going through.

When I felt like burning, I turned the shower to a cold one and I crouched on the tub, letting the water flow down my stinging skin, down my face filled with quiet tears.

And then I heard a knock.

"Oppa! Are you there? Aren't you done yet?" Bomi asked worriedly from outside the door.

I turned off the shower. "Almost done."

How long was I showering? Fifteen minutes? Thirty? One hour? I've lost track of time and by the time I wrapped myself in a towel, my teeth were chattering with cold.

I passed by the mirror without looking because I didn't want to see myself, my eyes red-rimmed from crying, myself miserable.

When I came out all dressed up, Bomi asked ifㅡ"Will you be okay there? You don't have to come, you know. I don't understand why she'd invite you in the first place. I feel awkward for her."

I smiled just a little. "She invited me because I was a part of her life too, even though I wasn't permanent."

She frowned at this. "Anyway, I don't usually say this but you look amazing. Just reminding you not to give in, if she decides to choose you instead of her groom."

"Don't worry." I told her, but in my head, scenarios where she runs to me during the wedding started to build up on my way to Chorong's house.

I parked in front of the building, the address she texted me and when she came out wearing a lacy white dressㅡI was at loss for words, I felt strange because it was as if time was on pause, then I wondered if the dress would be as beautiful if she wasn't the one wearing it.

#

Chorong's POV

I waved at Changsub with a small smile even though the punk didn't even get off the car to greet me, but there's something about the way his mouth hung slightly open, and the way he couldn't seem to take his eyes off me for a while that made me decide to let go of his un-gentleman-ness.

OK, so he actually looks good today even though his curly hair was tousled, and some stuck up to different directionsㅡas if he just ran a hand through it and didn't bother styling it. He's wearing a dark blue turtle neck inside, a black and white checkered coat on top of it.

I got inside the car and since I'm feeling nice, I complimented him. "That outfit is better than your usual get-up." I said.

His lips actually curved into a small smile. I feel even nicer. There's something about making this sad, messed-up man smile that makes me feel like it's an achievement. "I actually just randomly picked this." He said.

I raised an eyebrow. "Would you believe I also randomly picked my dress?"

Another achievement: he grinned. "You must have plenty of pretty dresses in your closet."

I smiled. "You must have plenty of elegant coats hanging in your closet."

And then I looked around and it just kicked in that we're riding an expensive-looking car. I gasped. "Ohmygod! Whose car is this?"

"Believe it or not, I didn't steal it."

I frowned and looked at him. "Are you trying to impress your ex with this car? You're going to her wedding."

He went quiet for a while and for a moment, I thought I might have gone overboard. I was about to apologize when he talked, "First of all, I am well aware that we're going to her wedding. Second, I borrowed this car from my friend because, well, would you like to ride at the back of my bike wearing that dress?"

Right. Stupid Chorong. I cleared my throat. "OK, I'm sorry! Just making sure."

"If I wanted to impress her, I won't need a car."

"Then what would you need?"

He almost took forever to reply. "You."

My feet were itching to kick the air but I stayed still. I can't believe it. What is wrong with me? Why did I feel my heart skip a beat? Gosh. Alright, a quick mental note: he needs me because he wants to show his ex that he's not miserable. I am here doing this for him because I believe we could make a great music together. Yes, that's it.

I don't know why I feel weird. I wish it would go away quickly.

"Can we turn on the radio?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure."

As I turned it on, I could feel him looking at me from time to time but I pretended I don't notice because, well, what would I tell him? Hey, creep, why do you keep looking this way? Is there something on my face?

The problem is, I don't find him creepy at all. I wish I did so this weird feeling would lessen.

"The next song is a new release from our talented rookies, Apink! This is, 'To Us', live on KBS radio."

I gasped, covering my mouth. My eyes wide as I finally looked up at Changsub. "Ohmygod!"

"What?" He asked, confused and surprised.

"Ohmygod! This is my songㅡI mean, I wrote this song! Those are my friends!" I said with a little squeal in the end.

His eyes widened as well and I've never seen him give that much reaction. He looks impressedㅡand happy for me. "Are you serious? You really wrote this song?"

"Hey! What do you take me for?" I said proudly, and then we were both grinning. We stayed quiet, listening to the song as if we were hearing it for the first time. I wondered if he had ever heard it before.

The box in my head filled with memories
Will fade away like everything else
Will I sometimes miss them and look back?

I wanted to ask him, but we already arrived at the venue. He took a deep, deep breath. He looked so nervous as if he's the groom. Somehow, the thought broke my heart. I gave him a reassuring smile and pat his shoulder. He almost jumped. "Hey, it's going to be alright." I told him. And I hope it would be.

"Thank you." He said, not so confidently and then he smiled back just a little before he got off the car and ran to the other side to open the door for me.

Of course, I thought, we are pretending.

So when he opened the door and I felt eyes on us, I extended my hand towards him and it took him just a little while before he realized he's supposed to hold it because we're a couple.

It felt weird to hook my arm with his, unlike that time at the coffeeshop when everything was rushed. This one is planned and yet I could feel my insides panicking even though I kept a smile on my face as if I was the bride.

When Changsub saw someone he knows, he held my hand and introduced me as his girlfriend. I wondered if we seem real or if we're just making a fool out of ourselves. I wondered what they think of him having a girlfriend when he's just freshly out of the army. Somehow, I worried they would think badly of himㅡbecause no, this guy is the victim and his heart is still broken, and yet he has to see the person responsible for that getting married and happy. And because I started this play-pretend, he had to act like he's alright. I felt sick in my stomach at the thought. I wanted to get out of the venue, but the music and the bride came in.

She looked like one of the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Maybe Changsub thought that way too because at that moment, I probably disappeared in his worldㅡhis eyes fixed on the bride he's never going to marry.

As she took the hand of her groom, Changsub's grip on my hand tightened. I looked at him and I don't even know him that well yet I wanted to do something to lessen the pain, the heartbreak he must be feeling at that moment.

I looked at our hands clasped together and then I gave his a little squeeze, then I looked up at him and he's finally looking back at me so I gave him another reassuring smile and hoped he realizes that in that moment, I was there and he wasn't alone.

--

A/N: Thank you guys for reading ❤🙈