“The goodbye trickles down your cheeks like blood
Your lips asking why is so sad
No, don’t come, don’t make that face
Just pass me by”
 

N gave a hand in dressing Saetbyul into layers of warm clothing. The weather appeared to be cooler during the night and she just had to suggest something silly.

“You sure you want to do this.” he asked, worrying.

She nodded.

“But why?”

 

 “Stay by my side, I’ll comfort you. I love you.” and he kissed her on the forehead, not noticing the tears that formed in her eyes.

“Eomma!” a kid shouted from the corridor outside. “It’s snowing!”

“Snowing?” N released the grip from their intertwined hands and scampered over to the window. “Wah~ It’s pretty.”

So that’s how we end… The last touch... she thought and took the chance to wipe away her tears.

“Saetbyul-a~” he called.

She supported herself with her elbow and sat up, rubbing her eyes, and faked a yawn. “What is it?”

“You’re awake? It’s snowing outside.” he was totally clueless about her phony act. He thought she was comatose after the shot all the while. “Come have a look.” and he hopped over her side to help her off the bed.

“Oppa,” She called. “let’s go for a walk.” and suggested.

 

“It’s just… because…” she paused. It’ll probably be my last winter. “because I haven’t experienced real snow since the day you left.” She lied, but the lie was also true.

It was convincing. The guilt in N began to rise. They promised to spend every winter together until he had to break that promise unwillingly for his dream. And it ached at him for four years. From his trainee days to his rookie days, he couldn’t bear to think how lonely she was.

“Alright.” He loathed agreeing to it.

 

“The countless words of love that we’re whispered
Our promises that are breaking instantly
No, this is a dream, your eyes are telling me
Just hug me again”

 

N pushed her in the wheelchair and they headed out. The sliding entrance door opened breezily as if it was welcoming them to the snowy winter park. He felt the chills down his spine when they were not even outside.

“You okay?” as much as he loved her, he didn’t want her to suffer. He kneeled on one of his legs, locking his eyes to hers, willing for the answer he wanted.

But Saetbyul didn’t get the message. “I’m fine.” She smiled. “Hurry up, let’s go. I don’t have much time left.”

N held his hand up to eye level and read the time. “Ah, we only have 30 minutes. Gotta get you back by 9.” He was totally oblivious.

He stood back up to the handle and released the brake on the wheels he previously locked when they reached the entrance. “Let me know if you’re feeling unwell.” It would be a lie if there wasn’t any single moment that he wasn’t worried about her.

She nodded curtly. Speaking and moving became a difficult task as if a slight action would sap away her remaining strength.

N stopped under a tree with big shades and a bench facing the ocean. The scenery at night was simply breathtaking and beautiful. The location was against wind direction and the shades protected them from the falling snow. Everything was perfect like a ravishing painted poster and they were the main characters portraying the story of that picture.

The surrounding lapsed into silence. It was a healing time for him when he could think of nothing else but Saetbyul beside her. It was a time when his identity wasn’t N but Hakyeon. The Cha Hakyeon that he was to Im Saetbyul.

“Isn’t it great?” he closed his eyes, and lay back with both his hands at the nape of his neck, inhaling the fresh air and admiring the ocean breeze. “It’ll be lovely if we can spend time like this every day.” he exhaled.

 

“I loved you, I cared for you, that’s it
I loved you but now I hate you, that’s the one reason”
 

Saetbyul constantly reminded herself to not allow any affection from showing towards him throughout his visit.  She had to force herself to hate him and that was the only reason she could use.

How he left her four years ago, how frustrating it was not being able to see him face to face, how she failed to commit suicide and how she had to hide her façade of depression from the chemotherapy. And above all, hiding her current condition was the toughest.

“Oppa…” she swallowed her saliva, forcing the words.

“Mmm?” he was still immersed in the moment.

“I-I’m breaking up with you.” she throttled.

N jolted from his seat and turned the wheelchair from facing the ocean to him. His face blanched at the sight he saw. Her face turned pale, her eye bags sagged to her chin, her lips were chapped and her nose was bleeding.

“Saetbyul-a!” he scooped her from the wheelchair and ran with all his might to the emergency ward. He couldn’t even remember when was the last time he ran that hard.

She was aching, aching from the inside out. She bobbed in his arms as he ran. It was like an invisible force stamping hard on her stomach as she spat gushes of blood from .

“Don’t. I love you! I love you! That’s it! Even if my blackened and burned heart explodes, I won’t let you go without me!” he confessed, panting as the emergency department came to his sight.

 

“You think I don’t know you? You’re lying right now
You still love me, you’re still the same”
 

The doctors advised him to prepare himself as they pushed her on the hospital cot to the surgery room. They said nighty percent of the patients like her might not make it.

His wail echoed down the hallway and alerted the people in the hospital, the patients and the visitors. There was a commotion when the fans recognised him and took pictures but he could care less. He trudged back to her ward as the nurses suggested that it was the best option for now.

He ruffled his hair in grief. “Urgh!!!” he groaned and hurled the pillow on the ground but his eyes immediately brightened by what he saw lying on the bed.

 

To my dearest Hakyeon oppa,

 

Don’t stop. Don’t ever look back. Just like that, go to a place that you truly belonged. Even if your breath runs out, you can’t stop. You have to keep moving without me. You have to let me go.

I shouldn’t have dared to dream of happily ever after in the first place. In the end, we’re in a sad ending of a cruel fairy tale.

You’re an idol and dating is strictly prohibited. I don’t want you to get in trouble because I probably won’t make it when you read this.

I need to hurry and end this relationship. I can’t be selfish to hold you back, to intervene your freedom. I’m sure they are other pretty girls out there who are queuing for you. Go. You have the right to find your true love and happiness. I’m not the one.

Mianhae, oppa. I love you.

 

But blotches of tears were clearly visible on the letter. “Why do you have to lie?” he crumpled the letter and tossed it to the ground, with anxious reaching his chest.

“You have to make it. I have so much to tell you.” he prayed.

“I’ll stay here now
Because I have so much to do for you
Because there’s so much I owe you”