After all this time, how can I not see it coming? It has been five years ever since the last time Yoona and I were in that room together. Fifteen years after the first time I ever saw her in that practice room. Of course, we crossed paths more than a few times, but most of them were me getting flustered and her smiling kindly as she passed walking, other times she praised me saying a did a good job, but our small talks didn't last long. Today, October 12 of 2022, the worst thing I could ever imagine happened. But before I tell you all about it, I will try to explain how it began.

A few months passed after the SMT program ended, YoonA, as she said before, began filming The king loves, I saw her a few times at the SM building, always busy and almost running around everywhere, if we shared stares we said hi, but mostly she flew passed by me. I knew nothing about her for a while, is not like I should know, but whenever i heard her name I just couldn't help to eavesdrop. When I met Leeteuk hyung he would tease me a little about Yoona and end up giving me some news of the woman, the only thing I knew was that she had a lot to do in her new drama The kings love, the filming lasted at least 6 months and she had to go to Jeju to shoot there a few days. Those days passed by faster with our new comeback Cherry bomb, and this time it was pretty successful, I enjoyed it a lot, we went trough different places and concerts, all of them had something special, I focused on performing, all I had to do was dance and look good, it was fun, but once it was over and I had to rest all I dreamt was about her, that big dark and shinning eyes looking at me, the 27 year old Yoona who looked younger that she actually was, if she dressed like she used to, she might even pass as a teenager. Her small silhouette was something that made me nervous, she was too thin, too fragile, even thinking about holding her in my arms made me afraid of breaking her. -Johnny- Her voice sounded in my head, it was soft and kind, I thought that just having her notice me was enough, but I was wrong, that just made me want more. Her filming was over, those six months passed by quickly thanks to our promotions, but I wasn't satisfied, whenever I had the chance to sleep, i did, because that meant I could see her again.

One day as I walked to the radio show, now called NCT night night 2, I bumped into a tall man, almost my height, he was wearing a big mask covering most of his face and a hat hiding his hair, the only thing I could properly see was his sharp eyes. - I'm sorry- I said as I gave a small bow, he just nodded and copied my action, then left quickly with a shopping bag. I didn't really feel curious about his existence at that moment, a lot of people walked that way in the SM building, most of them famous people trying no to get discovered by the others. I kept walking like it was nothing, I was almost late to the radio show. That day, hours later, after Jaehyun and finished our schedule, I heard some staff saying Yoona was in the building, she was preparing for her 10th anniversary debut, I wanted to talk to her, I felt like this was the time to tell her my felling, it was a dumb idea of a 22 year old boy who thought that would make her feel the same. I rushed to the practice rooms that were at the other side of the building, they were no longer where they used to.

My heart beated fast once again, I wasn't prepared, but at the time I felt like it was now or never. The doors of the room were slightly open. I for closer to look for the woman, and there she was, that day only 6 of the 8 members were there, Yoona had comfortable clothes on her and a hat covering her hair and a bit of her face, I noticed her immediately. All of them were tired, some walking around, others just doing the choreography again. -Aren't you a bit distracted today?- Sunny asked the younger woman getting closer to her, her half pink and half brown hair looked messy. -Usually it takes you just five times to do the choreography right- She continued, Sunny sounded kind of angry, it seemed that Yoona kept messing up at some point. She took her hat off and caressed her hair letting some of sweat run down her cheeks. -Sorry, let's do it again- She apologized putting the black hat on again, they got in their position, the music started playing and Yoona just was there moving with a serious expression. Her moves were uncoordinated, she looked lost in thought moving around not remembering perfectly what the others did. -Yonna- Another voice popped, this time it was Hyoyeon, another girl with the hair coloured, she sounded upset too but she breathed and walked towards her. - Is something wrong?- She asked, Hyoyeon seemed like a nice sunbae, she always encouraged Ten at dancing and gave him a lot of compliments, Yoona then started sobbing, she covered her face with her hands and let herself hug by her members. This was the first time I saw her crying for real, my feet were stuck in the ground, I couldn't stop looking, the scene felt unreal. -It's just, we had a fight- Her voice trembled, and I felt a sudden pain, I didn't want to take suppositions on anything, but I had a bad felling. Her voice cracked and kept sobbing as the members tried to comfort her, my hand squeezed the handle, I couldn't do anything to help the sad Yoona, nor was I allowed to. My only reaction was leave that place and wait somewhere else until she was finished, I didn't want to know what happened that way, I wanted her to trust me, and if she needed a shoulder to cry, she searched for mine.

Walking down the hall I sat in one corner, it was 9 pm, tomorrow i had an appointment early in the morning, I decided I would wait for them to finish and then I would tell her. I rested my head in the wall, it was summer, and everything felt colder for me in that hall, it was refreshing, and little by little my eyes started closing. I didn't mean to fall sleep, it just happened. I was tired, tired of thinking too much, tired of felling so unsettled, tired of everything. I woke up moments later with the felling of someone pushing me gently and saying my name. -Johnny- It was just like in my dreams, that nice and feminine voice that felt so familiar. -Johnny- It said once again, my name sounded just right in her lips. I opened my eyes watching that pretty face right in front of me, she no longer had the hat, instead she had a ponytail. Her hand slowly withdrew of my shoulder, and her smile was already on her face. My body moved quickly realising that I had a more comfortable position that the one I used to have.

- What are you doing here?- Was this real? Yoona just woke me up? I stared at her with curiosity, what time was it? After a few seconds of my just being awkwardly silence, I reacted. - What time is it?- I asked sitting in a better position, she chuckled, maybe finding my actions cute. -It's like 1 am- She said sitting in the floor like me, I looked around, the place seemed darker and we were the only ones in the hall. -Damn- I whispered, it was really late, did I sleep like four hours? She looked at me all the time, since when is she here? My hand went to my face caressing my hair trying to fix the mess I did in just a few hours. - I... I wanted to practice our new song, I messed up a little at the performance- That was a lie, I did it perfectly, I never messed up anything. -But I saw it was busy so I waited- I tried to sound completly sincere, I was a good liar, or at least I thought so, Yoona smiled again and ruffled my hair, it was confusing, a mix of felling got my stomach making me feel dizzy. A proud smile of a sunbae to a hoobae. -Kids this days work really hard- The blush on my face came violently, it was hard to they to cover it when she was right in front of me, I laughed a little as I thanked her for the encouraging words.

-I think you should go and rest- Her eyes were a little puffy, maybe she cried more the I expected, but she didn't seem sad, or maybe her acting was just really good. -Are you okay?- The words slipped out of my mouth without thinking about it twice. Her expression didn't change much, she kept a smile but this time it looked more tender. -Yes, I am okay- She stood up suddenly searching for something in her pockets, my eyes wandered in all directions. -Take this, you might get a cold- Her hand carried a small lemon candy, I stood up and took it giving a bow. - Thank you- I said looking at her natural face for a long time, she was beautiful, how could she look like the first time we met?, there was an awkward silence again, and our eyes met without withdrawing. - Is my face too ugly?- She said touching her face with a small pout, ah, I stared too much. -No, not at all, is really pretty- My quick respond came as honest as it could, then again, the embarrassment hit me for real, Yoona laughed, her laugh was noisy, actually more than I remembered. - Thank you- She took her bag and positioned on her shoulder, she was leaving. -Come on, I'll take you to your dorm.- Yoona turned around and looked at me, How can I say no to her? I nodded and took all of my things and rushed to where she was standing, as she gave a step I moved my hand towards her should to carry her bag too, she looked surprised by my quick action. -There's no need for that- Yoona said trying to get her things back, but I moved a bit further and insisted. She let it go. We walked side to side slowly, her things were a bit heavy. Yoona, trying to get rid of the awkwardness, made a small talk. -How have you been? It's been a while since I saw you- Her light steps were easy to catch up with. -Good, I've been working hard for this comeback- It's true, since I had nothing else to do, all I did was work to get you off my mind. -And you, Yoona noona?- I asked carefully without knowing if I could talk to her informally, she laughed. We already established that I had to call her Noona instead of sunbae when we went to the SM workshop at Jeju, we were on the same team, with Taeil, Haechan and Taeyeon. Unfortunately, we didn't win the first place. -Busy, like always. I'm thinking of getting dome vacations after I finish my schedule- Her voice sounded a little flustered, she gave another smile. I nodded looking at her smile figure, I was sure she was eating okay, but I still worried about the woman. -Where do you want to go?- I, unexpectedly, was really relaxed, I was beside her, my heart jumped, and I felt some kind of excitement, but even like that, I was composed. - Oh, well, I don't know. Vienna? Maybe?- Now Yoona was happier. We continued the small talk until we got closer to the SM door in the back, when the fans or the paparazzi know we are here, they usually wait everywhere, but, because we were going out of building at such an hour, nobody was there. Her manager was waiting for her standing beside the car, he didn't look happy at all, so when he saw Yoona he made a hand gesture for her to hurry. -Oppa, can we take Johnny to his dorm?- She grabbed me by the arm and dragged me towards the man, he looked at me wanting to say something, but after giving another look at Yoona he nodded opening the door of the car. - Thank you- I said giving a bow as he got in the car. I sat beside Yoona, at that moment I started feeling a little nervous, we were close to each other, and she smelled like flowers, did she took a shower? My heart jumped, and trying to be distracted I told her manager were my dorm was, he knew exactly where it was and drove carefully trough the road. I noticed how Yoona was tired, her eyes closed as soon as the car started, but she tried to be awake, I took my jacket and slowly put it on her avoiding the cold for her, I stared at her resting face, her puffy cheeks and pale lips. I wondered how soft was her skin and how warm would be her touch. But my fantasy didn't long much, I suddenly was in front of my building and taking my stuff to leave the car, I decided to left my jacket on her, it would look better on her than me.

That day I learned that Yoona was dating someone, of course, I didn't realise it immediately, I denied it a lot of times, after a few months, I finally understood it was truth.

The king loves started to air, the rating was good, not the best, but enough to make the actors pop out. I watched every episode, no one could get off her image of my head, she looked beautiful in every scene. What made me a little uncomfortable was one of the male actors, his eyes reminded me so much to someone I couldn't remember, maybe I had seen him before on a drama or some commercial. Something surprising was the fact she cut her hair really short.

Of course, the time kept passing by, I saw Yoona a few times after that, no one worth mentioning, none as important as the others. Except one, one that no one saw coming, the suicide of Jonghyun, there's no need for words, all the SM family just broke down, I went to the funeral with the rest of the NCT  members, for my surprise Yoona was there, crying, and not alone, her fellow members were with her, most of them seemed to be comforting Taeyeon, who was a complete mess, it was my second time watching Yoona crying, and once again, I couldn't do anything. After a couple of hours the place was full with celebrities, the one I didn't expect to see were BTS, Taehyung walked slowly towards the short haired woman and hugged her, I felt the rush of adrenaline, the jealousy and the anger mixing, I couldn't show it. How selfish, I know, all I could even think about was that hug, I left the place with a bitter felling in my mouth. That night I dreamt of Jonghyun, I can't really say I remember but it made realize I was losing my mind.

A few days later everything was supposed to be normal, she was the main MC at MBC Daejun for the new years eve, when I heard the news I got an idea, I was gonna confess, it didn't matter if she was already dating someone, so what if she liked someone else? I just wanted her to give me more attention. I went backstage, my make up was ready and outfit as well, her room was right in the corner, she shared it with the other MC that night. I walked out the door with my heart in my hand and steps full of regret, I saw a lot of fellow groups as I walked down the hall, some of them were kind enough to say hi, others didn't even gave me glance. The door to were she was staying was open, my hands shivered when I heard her voice. -Yes, I'll go to your apartment the moment I can get out from here- My legs didn't move again, I was frozen just like the last time, she was talking to someone, I was hoping it was a family member. -Jonghyun, I love you too- Her words stabbed me right in the chest, the uneasy felling inside me started to grow. - Oh, it's really late, see you later- And she hung up her phone, what a careless woman, anybody could have heard her words, anybody, not just me. All of the sudden I was running, running the fastest I could, and the thoughts started to get inside my head, Who was Jonghyun? There were a lot of celebrities called Jonghyun, was it an old friend? A singer? And idol? Or maybe the actor? No, might as well be someone she just met outside of work. But it made sense, those eyes, those sharp eyes I met a long time ago, it was him, the one who made the drama with her, no one else.

Since that day I turned my back to the fragile woman who I loved so much, I dreamt about her, I dreamt the sweetest dreams about her with me and as well the saddest, when we bumped into each other I just left with a simple greeting, my heart ache, and she didn't know it. Today, might be the best and worse day, I can see her, walking down the aisle with her with dress, her black long hair touching her back, the natural make up on her face suited her the best. It was perfect, she was perfect, but I was not where I wanted, I was sitting down, watching her look at the man who door her away from everybody, after 5 years of dating a few days ago he proposed to Yoona, the news went everywhere, the national treasure was no longer available. All the SM family were here, the older groups who no longer were working were all here, even Shinwa, the "new" ones as well, NCT was the last one, the new girl group wasn't able to come, to busy with their agenda, even Lee Soo Man was here. The wedding was beautiful, not too extravagant but just enough to show elegance, when the official things were over and the party started, I saw Yoona disappear, I gathered strength and followed her one last time, this would be the last time I could talk to her with honesty, and. The last I will see her without any hard fellings. -Yoona!- I didn't know why I screamed her name, but the moment she turned around I felt the same I felt the first time I saw her, that's why I knew this would be the last. -Ah, Johnny, you came- Her sweet smile appeared, she walked closer to me grabbing my hands. -Are you enjoying the party?- She asked, and all I could think about was how soft she was, how beautiful she looked, and how she would never be mine. - Yes- I said taking her hands in mine, Yoona looked at me confused, not knowing what was going on. -Yoona, the truth is- My words were strong, I was decided to confess. -Oh Johnny, I still have your jacket, it has been so many years, you have been so busy I haven't been able to give it to you- She interrupted me, almost as if she knew what I was going to say, but her eyes said otherwise, they were still filled with an unwavering innocence, how naive she was. -Keep it, I think it suits you better.-  I said giving her freedom as I let go of her hands. - I just wanted to congratulate you for your marriage, you look really gorgeous-  My heart hurts, her smile fills me with a warm felling but I still feel heart broken. -You have grown a lot Johnny, you are really a good man- Yoona messed my hair one last time and then hugged me. - Thank you- She whispered, the hug didn't last much, and after that she left to change her dress to something more comfy, and I just stared at her silhouette disappeared into the corner of the hall.