“We’re here” I whisper faintly as I catch sight of my house.

“Already?” he sounds disappointed, which makes me a tad bit giddy. We stand awkwardly next to each other as I try to find my keys.

“Oh well, I’ll see you tomorrow then” he shoves his hands in his pockets as he waits for me to get in, but something inside me is telling me to stop. I could feel this heavy weight in my heart, begging me not to let this moment end. My time with Hanbin was over in a blink of an eye, and inexplicably, the thought of it made my heart ache.

“Yeah, goodnight” I force myself to smile and manage to wave at him as I march towards the front door. He waves back with the same broad smile that sets my heart at ease.

“You know” he says, his hands back in his pockets again “you don’t have to come to morning practice if you don’t want to, it’s not mandatory for managers” he looks up at the sky and lets out a soft sigh. “But” his gaze is back at me, his eyes shimmering in the dimness of the night “It’ll be great to have you around” he takes a few steps back and nods at me “see you tomorrow Hayi!”

I try not to smile too widely, but my god I can’t. This boy, I swear, is completely something else. I don’t remember the last time I felt comfortable around a boy. It’s been so long and honestly, I really missed it. I’ve been so wary of boys that I hardly gave anyone the benefit of the doubt. Life really is full of delightful serendipities.

My smile immediately disappears once I enter the house. I take off my shoes and lay my bag on the ground. My mother emerges from the kitchen at the sound of the door opening, still wearing her work clothes.

“Hayi! what took you so long? School ended hours ago, where did you go?” she’s holding a spatula in her hand, waving it ungracefully around as she speaks, her other hand resting on her hips.

“I had Club activities. I told you yesterday about it” she narrows her eyes at me as if I’m lying and I can’t help but purse my lips and sigh.

“Oh you did? Well, I must have forgotten, anyway, I’m making dinner right now, it’ll be ready in a few minutes, why don’t you go change first and come down hm?” she disappears back into the kitchen, unbothered to listen to my reply. With a sigh, I grab my bag up and walk the stairs to my room.

Classic mother behavior. I don’t recall the last time she remembered something I told her. I always try to find excuses for her usual forgetfulness: maybe she’s just so busy and tired all the time, maybe she’s just getting old and her memory is not at its best anymore, and I eventually end up blaming myself for not understanding her circumstances. I tell myself repeatedly that I’m still a child; I don’t have enough grasp over the adult world to fully comprehend what goes down in it. Maybe if I get a job and have my own family, I’ll face the same problems, so maybe I’m at fault. Maybe I’m demanding too much from the mother that never once gave up on me. Maybe I should just be thankful that at the very least, she still reckons my existence, unlike dad, who doesn’t waste one second to show his hostility towards me. But, a part of me, still selfishly wishes that she would make some time for me, you know, just mother and daughter time where we could forget about our insecurities, our troubles, our dreadful life and just sit down and talk.

I guess I’m hoping for the impossible.

My phone suddenly starts ringing cutting my chain of thoughts and I immediately dug in my bag to find it. I press answer without looking at the caller ID

“Oh Hayi! Bestie! How was your first day as a manager?” Suhyun’s voice comes out a bit raspy and I could hear some noise in the background. “Ugh, hold on. Chanhyuk, I’m on the phone! Keep the volume down will you!” she shouts over the line and I wince at her loud voice.

“Having a brother is a hassle, you’re lucky you’re an only child Hayi” I nod at her words as if she could see me. “Anyway, back to my question, how was it?”

I think of the club members and their silliness, their passion and love for volleyball and Hanbin, My god, where do I even begin with that boy? Just the thought of him makes me smile.

“You know what” I rest my elbows on the windowsill as I gaze at the night sky “It’s not so bad. I think I like it”

“see? I told you you’d like it! The boys can be crazy at times, but they’re nice”

“even Jinhwan?” I and she grunts in reply

“Absolutely not HIM” I laugh heartily as she continues complaining about him. I could already tell that she has something for him. Suhyun is just so obvious.

“Oh right! The school’s annual drawing contest is nearing, are you gonna participate?” Suhyun says excitedly and I fall silent for a couple of seconds. I have thought about it, and as much as I want to take part in it, I don’t think I’m confident enough to do it.

“I don’t know” I sigh tiredly “I mean, I don’t think-”

“Hayi” Suhyun’s voice is sharp “Thinking you’re not talented enough is NOT an excuse” she sighs and I gulp “You haven’t participated once and we’re already seniors Hayi! If it’s not now then when?” I could sense the concern in her voice and it suddenly makes me emotional.

“I don’t want to pressure you” she adds almost quickly “But, I’ve seen the way you shine when you’re drawing, and I think it’s only fair to share that view with the world” I could feel her smiling on the other line. I am too. “So, what do you say? You ready to take this chance? There’s nothing to lose you know. Whatever happens, I’ll still be your number one fan!” she cheers loudly and I could hear Chanhyuk screaming at her to shut up. She obviously yells back at him and I nearly laugh at the ridiculous quarrel they’re having.

I take my time to rethink things over. It’s true that I missed so many opportunities and no matter what half-hearted excuses I give to myself, I know deep inside that the only thing stopping me is me. I’m my vile enemy, and yet, I’m my best ally. I’ve trapped myself inside this shell for so long, not wanting to give myself the chance to show my true colors to the world because I let my gloomy thoughts take power over me, and I obediently listened to them. I silenced my true feelings and let self-hatred control me in the cruelest ways possible.

And you know what? I still do that.

‘Thoughts are nothing, they live inside your head’ Hanbin’s voice echoes in my head, the words deliberately engraving themselves in the deepest core of my heart ‘But emotions? They’re real’

He’s right. Suhyun’s right. I am not listening to my emotions, I’m not responding to them at all simply because I believed they were wrong. But, just once, I want to see myself out of this crazy maze. I want to live outside this chaotic mind of mine.

I just want to be confident enough to face myself. I take a long shaky breath because I desperately need it.

“I am. I’m ready and I will take it” I’m surprised at how naturally the words sound coming out of my mouth. Suhyun practically squeals for 30 seconds and I chuckle to hide the growing lump in my throat. Tears are already threatening to come out as I try to brush off every occurring dark thought clouding my mind. I try not to think of my dad and his discouraging words or my mother and her constant nonchalance.

I try not to think at all, because if I do, I’m sure that I’ll change my mind, and I don’t want that to happen.

A.N: hello there peeps! so I tried to focus on Hayi's feelings in this chapter, hopefully I managed to do that just fine xD I'm thinking of making a blogpost about where I've been (I never mentioned it but I went on a trip to Europe in hopes of battling my depression and it actually helped me get back to writing and to reading! I read like 5 books in 20 days I think I just broke a personal record xD) anyway, enough about me, hope you guys are healthy, both mentally and physically! have a lovely night/morning guys and thank you for the lovely comments <3