They say life begins the moment you find the core of your existence.

It’s that moment in which the world seems lucid and lustrous in your eyes, and you see nothing but your shadow, following your footsteps attentively.

It’s that moment where you take a good look at yourself in the mirror and smile, despite the numerous imperfections covering your body from head to toe.

It’s that moment that I’ve been waiting for in a long time, but, to no avail. It’s not supposed to be a big deal, really, I know that time will unveil everything eventually; I just need to be patient. But a huge part of me thinks otherwise.

I’ve always wondered when will my life begin, but every time, my train of thoughts gets interrupted by my uncontrollable doubts, and I start fearing the oblivion: what if my life never begins?

“Hayi, you’re spacing out again” Suhyun nudges me with her pen and peers at me worriedly “You okay?” she asks and I smile tiredly at her.

“I’m fine. Just..thinking” I trail but Suhyun continues staring at me and puts he pen down.

“Look” she starts “if you don’t want to be the volleyball’s club manager, just say so, it’s fine,really, I could look for someone else-”

“Suhyun” I interrupt her, “It’s fine” I smile reassuringly at her, but she casts a worried look at me again and bits her lower lip.

“You never tell me what goes through your head Hayi, I’m just worried about you” she pouts, her plump cheeks sticking out, so I pinch her cheek playfully with a grin and she groans in response.

“There’s nothing to worry about Suhyun, I’m totally fine with being a manager, I was just thinking of the upcoming finals” She growls loudly and places both hands on top of her head.

“Please don’t remind me~” I chuckle at her reaction and shake my head, my smile fading.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been upfront with Suhyun. Although she’s my best friend, there are things I could never tell her. Some things are better left hidden after all.

And it’s not like I’m doing it to anger anyone, rather, it’s for her sake. The more she learns about me, the more she’ll to hate me, and I can never let that happen.

The bell rings and we both pack our stuff to head back home.

“Don’t forget, tomorrow is your first day as a manager!” Suhyun reminds me and waves goodbye before we part ways.

I sigh.

Why did I agree again to Suhyun’s request? I hate physical activities and I don’t want to watch sweaty bodies all day long, plus, they’re boys. Nothing personal, but my relationship with boys is a bit strained, aside from Suhyun’s brother’s Chanhyuk, whom I had to get along with since he’s her brother. So, as you see, I’m the most incompetent person for the job.

But when I saw the eagerness in Suhyun’s eyes, I simply couldn’t refuse.

I could never refuse anything when it comes to her. Call me weird, but I’m betting my life on this friendship. Suhyun’s my only hope for a peaceful high school life, and I’m holding on to that glint of hope like I never did before.

I sigh again. I really don’t know how tomorrow will go. Suhyun said practice usually starts early in the morning, so that means I have to be there at 5:30 or 6 sharp.

As I approach my house, my steps become hesitant and I hold my breath. Once again, the same feeling of dread grips my insides.

I stop in front of the door and take a long deep breath, but before I could open it, I hear the same annoyingly repulsive sound again. I grip the door handle tightly as the noises grow and slowly open the front door.

I stop at the entrance, the voices loud and clear now. Grunts, moans and loud whimpers filled the living room and I couldn’t dare take any step further into the living room to see.

What is there to see anyway? Another proof of my disconnected messed up family? As if there aren’t many already

I rush my way up the stairs, trying not to think of the scene playing downstairs and shut myself in my room once I’m inside.

I collapse on my bed and stare restlessly at the ceiling.

Dad loved the afternoons, because that was the exact same time that mom wasn’t home. He didn’t mind my presence at the house, because to him, my worth is less than nothing, which I don’t really disagree with.

It started when I got into high school- about three years ago. It was around the time that mom finally found a job and was so eager about it that she couldn’t wait to start, and surprisingly, dad was ecstatic when he heard the news, but for a different reason.

And I discovered that reason in the ugliest way possible. Dad thought I was out. Thinking he was alone, he invited a couple of his female co-workers. I was in my room doing some revision when I noticed the sudden exclaims and loud music blasting from downstairs. When I went to check, my eyes almost dropped out of their sockets. This can’t be happening, I thought.

Dad was making out with a woman other than mom. It made absolutely no sense to my 15 years old brain, but just when I thought I’ve seen enough, dad’s eyes suddenly met mine, while still kissing the slender woman in his arm.

His eyes were sharp and narrow, sending me threatening signals not to tell anyone. His hands around the unknown woman tightened as he broke the kiss and he sent me yet another menacing glare, followed by an alarming smirk that sent shivers down my spine.

The man in front of me was indistinct. This was not my dad, I thought. He can’t be my dad, but the truth was right there, right in front of me, begging to be seen, to be believed.

And I could only weep in silence as I collapsed on the ground, my heart throbbing uncontrollably.

That was the beginning of the end.

And the end is near.

It’s 5:15 in the morning, and I’m not sure if it’s too late or too early. Either way, I put on my school jersey and tie my hair in a ponytail. I have not read any of the volleyball manuals Suhyun lent me, so I may appear to them a little ignorant.

Who am I kidding, I’ll definitely embarrass myself.

I carefully walk past my parents’ room and down the stairs. They usually wake up around six so right now they should still be asleep.

I skip breakfast and leave the house with my bag hanging loosely on my back. The sun hasn’t risen yet but there’s enough light to see the road. I take a long breath as I quicken my pace, not letting the fresh morning air go to waste.

I should probably wake up early more often. The empty street gives me a certain feel of freedom that I hardly ever came across these past years.

I’ve always been a prisoner of my own thoughts, careful not to let too much info slip, especially around mom. I had to be cautious.

The gate is wide open; I could see other club members running around the school to warm up. I continue my walk until I reach the boys volleyball club. I slowly slide open the door, only to find a tall figure, proudly standing behind the line at the very end of the court, holding a ball in his hand. He throws it up in the air, and jumps once it starts descending, until it makes full contact with his hand and he hits it with great force before his feet land on the ground. The ball falls on the other side of the court with a loud thud and at the sight of it, the boy throws his fist in the air in ecstasy with a victorious smile.

I smile unconsciously as my eyes follow the tall figure, but as soon as he takes note of my presence, I freeze, my nerves coming back again.

He stares at me, bemused and I nervous walk towards him.

“Good morning, my name is Lee Hayi, I’m the new manager, nice to meet you” I greet him with a bow. He continues staring at me as if I was a piece of art, and instead of bowing back, he puts his hand on top of my head and gently leans down until we’re on the same eyes level.

With a dazzling smile that could light up the entire gymnasium, he says