My childhood wasn’t exactly one you’d reminisce about. I grew up in the arms of loving parents-before dad started his various love affairs; my mom was always bright and never ceased to smile whenever our eyes met, and dad was the epitome of playfulness, despite the stress and fatigue his face displayed, he never refused to play with me. Simply put, we were a happy family, but as time went by, I began to notice the lingering distance between us: Meals became eerily silent, playtimes were reduced, and the smiles slowly turned into strained straight lines, masking a load of emotions the kid me couldn’t understand.

Years have passed, and things have only gotten worse, both inside and outside the house. The distance gravely grew, until they were nowhere to be seen. And that’s when I started feeling small and insignificant. I tried not to dwell in it, but I had to admit it, I was a meaningless existence. I am a meaningless existence. I solely believe that, but Hanbin’s words struck right into my heart, carving the foreign words deep in.

With you, we’re complete, he said. It sounds absurd, it should be absurd, I mean, it’s my first day here and I barely even know them, so why do I want to desperately believe in that?

“Break’s over guys!” the coach barges in suddenly, clapping to get everyone’s attention. The boys get up; whining about the short break but the fire in their eyes was still there.

“Here” Hanbin offers me his hand and I blush, still not used to his kindness. I hold his hand hesitantly as he helps me get up, but he doesn’t let go. I stare at him shyly as I point out our intertwined hands. He simply smiles and let go, only to bring back his hand up to my head, ruffling my hair.

The thing is, I’m not a touchy person. Suhyun is well aware of my hatred for skin ship, but there’s something about Hanbin’s gentle touch that makes me feel weird inside.

Dad used to ruffle my hair like that too, when I was a kid, but the sentiment is widely different. Dad’s hands were never tender or affectionate, unlike Hanbin’s.

I stare at my reddish hands, his touch still lingering, and put them over my thumping heart, in hopes of calming it down, but in vain.

After an hour of a heated match, practice comes to an end, and everyone goes to change and pack their stuff. I leave first, clutching my bag tightly, as I make my way to the school gateway. It’s completely black outside, there are a few students out who just finished practice too, so school is not entirely empty, but the school building is giving me the chills. It looks like a haunted house at night. Without looking back, I quicken my pace, but a voice calling my name stops me and I turn around to see Hanbin running towards me, his bag clumsily hanging over his shoulder, his hair dancing with the wind in a funny way. I’m not going to lie, he looks ridiculous while running, I almost snort, but I manage to stifle my laughter.

As he reaches my side, he stops, panting heavily.

“Damn, you’re fast. Why did you leave so early?” He asks, his hands resting on his hips, still huffing. I surprise myself as I let out a hearty chuckle.

“Well, it’s late, I want to go home as soon as I can” I explain but he shakes his head.

“I know, but it’s dangerous to go alone. I’ll walk you home” he offers but I immediately refuse.

“Oh no need, really, I’m fine! My house is close by” I reply quickly but that doesn’t shake him. Not even one bit. If anything, he looks more determined.

“I insist. Please let me walk you home” he presses

“It’s really fine, I-”

“Please!” he looks at me pleadingly, fear written all over his face, and my eyes widen at his reaction. Why does he look so scared? His eyes are literally begging me not to go alone, so I easily give up and agree to his request.

He lets out a huge breath, seemingly relieved, and I don’t dare ask about his weird behavior, instead, we walk together, side by side, a cautious silence surrounding us, but it takes a few minutes for Hanbin to speak up.

“I..” he starts “I’m sorry about back then. I made you uncomfortable and sorry if I pressured you to let me walk you home” he mutters as he peeks from the side to see my reaction.

“It’s okay” I reassure him with a smile “I don’t feel pressured or uncomfortable, so don’t worry. I was just taken aback, that’s all” He hums at my response and stays quiet for a few seconds before he breaks the silence again.

“It’s just, something from the past that keeps haunting me” his words are wary but sincere, and I can’t help but pry for more.

“What happened?” I muster the courage to ask and immediately regret it when I see his blank face “No, don’t answer that! You don’t have to! I’m sorry for asking”

“No, it’s fine” he smiles as he replies, but his face instantly turns grim as his eyes are carefully staring ahead. “Three years ago, my little sister, hanbyul, was walking back home at night, and..” he stops, closes his eyes and sigh, then opens them again “she almost got..” he stops again, his eyes darkening, unsure of how to express his thoughts, but I immediately understand what he means.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked” I apologize again and he shakes his head with a repressed smile. Silence falls back between us in an instant. We just hit a touchy subject, and although it does not concern me, I can’t help but ask for more.

“Is she..okay now?” I sound careful and he knows it, but he doesn’t show it. Instead, he bites his lower lip, contemplating what to say next.

“She says she’s fine now, but I know she’s not” he sighs again “I shouldn’t have let her go alone that night. She’s been traumatized ever since, she’s even scared to go out alone to school in the morning” he scratches the back of his head and I could see how painful it must be for him to recount all this, to me, a complete stranger.

“So, I kind of made a promise to myself to never let a girl walk alone at night. Sorry if I sounded persistent, I just wanted to make sure you were safe” he ducks his head as if he’s in the wrong, but he’s absolutely not. If anything, I feel like a jerk for refusing his offer at first. Something in my heart explodes as he looks at me with apologetic eyes. The word ‘chivalrous’ can’t even begin to describe him. My heart does another leap as our shoulders brush together, but it soon dies out when I think of his sister and how she was almost a victim of ual molestation. A bitter taste suddenly grows in my mouth and I feel like throwing up . I hate this. I hate the fact that we have to always be wary of our surroundings just because we’re girls. I hate that we’re seen as ual objects, and I hate the fact that to the world, we’re weak fragile beings made to reproduce and answer men’s needs.

Hanbin must have seen my distant look because he waves his hands in front of my face and I almost jump in surprise.

“You okay Hayi?” he sounds worried and I shake my head lightly, but he immediately sees through me.

“I’m sorry the world is such a disgusting place” he utters as he puts his hands in his pockets. “I wish it were a better place for all the girls and women out there” I nearly choke up when I hear his words and blink repeatedly to stop the tiny droplets of tears from falling.

I stay quiet for a few seconds before I say what’s been on my mind for a while now

“I think the world would have been much better, if there were more guys like you Hanbin” the words come out naturally and I sincerely believe in them. He’s been nothing but nice to me ever since I joined the club, and his intentions are far from bad. He’s really amazing.

He chuckles at my compliment and playfully ruffles my hair, again.

“You’re too nice Hayi” he smiles “but I assure you, I’m not as great as you think I am”

“I believe you are, but maybe you’re too focused on your flaws to see the beauty inside you” I reply with a warm smile playing on my lips. He looks taken back and tries not to smile too widely.

“Same goes for you”

“What is?”

He stops in his tracks and I follow, standing right next to him. He looks me in the eyes with a weak smile

“You’re a beautiful person Hayi, but I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for it” My eyes widen and my lips feel dry.

“I know we only just met today, but I can see it clearly in your gaze. You’re scared. I know because I feel the same way sometimes” he utters the fears I’ve been bottling in up so easily that I hardly believe we met just a couple hours ago. I try to come up with something to defend myself, but I know I’d be lying.

“Who wouldn’t be? I only joined today and yet I feel like an intruder. Everyone in the team is just so marveling and full of energy that it’s hard to keep up with them. They’re so passionate about what they do that I just stand still in my place and feel like nothing” I remember my dad’s insults again as I fight back the tears “I am nothing. Unlike you guys, I can’t be beautiful”

I bite my lips to stop them from shivering. I exploded, and I hate that I just did, right in front of Hanbin. But, truth to be told, it’s suffocating to see the things you desperately want in the possession of others: Passion, belonging, a bond. I’ve always longed for these things but I know deep down, that I’m a broken machine unable to function again, simply because I can’t move on from the past.

I was told all my life that no matter how hard I try, there’ll always be someone stronger, smarter, better. And I’m just not that person. I could never be that person.

I’m so broken that I believe for a second that Hanbin would agree with what I said, but then I remember: He is Hanbin.

“Remember when I told you this morning when we met that I’ve never seen you around?” he starts and I’m puzzled by the sudden change of topic, but I follow.

“Yeah?” he tilts his head to my side with a guilty expression

“well..I lied about that” I crease my brows in confusion.

“what do you mean?”

“I knew you before we met, Hayi” he pauses and stares right into my soul, which sends shivers right down my spine “I used to drop by the library last year sometime after school and you were always there, so naturally, I thought you were there to study, but one day, I dropped by and you weren’t there, and I approached your usual seat and the table was filled with such beautiful drawings and shapes that I had my doubts at first that it was you, but my doubts were later confirmed when I found out you drew the poster for the school’s cultural festival” he lets out a chuckle at the memory and I’m this close to turning into a tomato from embarrassment. God, I forgot I used to do that before, but I was desperate not to go back home back then that I would hang out alone in the library after school. I didn’t notice it at first, but I would start to doodle on the table with such focus and concentration that I surprised myself. I knew I was good at drawing, but I didn’t think I would enjoy it this much. And suddenly, that spot became my shelter, and that table turned into my one and only escape. I sketched all my frustrations and insecurities in that table that it became the mirror of my soul. I just didn’t think anyone would notice.

“I’m not an expert, but I could swear that I felt something tingle at the pit of my stomach when I saw your drawings and I just knew that you are something, Hayi. There was specifically this one drawing of a handcuffed hand holding another hand by the wrist and in between there was this small letter written in bold letters. You remember what those words were?” I ponder it for a second but shake my head. He looks a bit disappointed but he doesn’t let his smile falter one bit. Instead, it gets wider and he looks at me confidently.

“ ‘Dear me, set me free, unravel me, don’t let me fall’ ” my hearts pounds loudly under my ribcage as I hear the familiar words come out of his mouth. He catches my eyes again and continues “and you know what? I believe them. I believe that one day, you’ll face yourself, and realize that you are free. Thoughts are nothing, they live inside your head; they’re virtual. But emotions? They’re real Hayi, and I felt thousands of emotions when I saw your drawings and if that doesn’t make you believe you’re something special then I don’t know what will, because truthfully, I’ve always thought of you as a beautiful person, and I don’t think that will ever change”

A.N:Incredibly late update and I'm so sorry but I've been depressed for a while and had to take some time off to just feel like a human being again.

hope you enjoy this chapter and sorry if I disappointed you.