September 03, 2016

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The car ride that day, was particularly bumpy. Not necessarily because the roads were terribly rocky, but Jungkook, Jimin and Taehyung had decided that a game of tag between the rows of seats was a fantastic way to hype up before their performance in Manila. The elder members dodged flying limbs and squished themselves against the car window when another body threatened to crush their ribs. Jin couldn’t help the burst of laughter that erupted when his swift dodge resulted in Jungkook falling on his lap and rolling onto the ground of the van. Jungkook looked up from his position to a poker-faced Suga and a bemused Namjoon watching him from the front seat. Taehyung’s laughter could be heard from the back, where he was still hanging off the back of the chairs.

“Yah! That’s what you get for goofing off in the car.” Jin half-jokingly scolded. He had wanted to be stern but the maknae line never failed to make him laugh. Plus, they had been stuck in traffic and going at a painstakingly slow pace for the last half an hour. While Manila was a beautiful place, they could only stare at the passing buildings for so long.

Suga finally breaks his silence, moving his feet from under the youngest and instead, settling it comfortably on his head. “Finally, there isn’t a good spot for a foot rest in this car.” he jokes, a grin growing on his face as Jungkook makes a face. “Hyungggg, your feet smell!”

At this, Suga purposely wiggles his sock-covered feet closer to his face.

The other members join him in laughing at the maknae struggling at his feet and eventually, Jungkook does too. When the fun dies down and everyone is back in their seats, there’s a comfortable silence that envelopes them. It’s during these moments that they all find themselves absentmindedly smiling just by being in each other’s presence. It was a satisfying silence that spoke volumes of their bonds. Taehyung especially loved these moments, because he could cuddle up close to s and quietly enjoy their existence. And he does just that, squeezing close to Jimin and J-Hope who shared the back seat with him and throwing his arms around the middle seats to hold onto Jin and Jungkook – enjoying the warmth that surrounded him. He closes his eyes and sighs contentedly.

 

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Before they realize it, they had finally arrived at their next schedule location. The van is quickly parked in a discrete corner of the underground parking deck and the members rush out behind their manager hyung – hoods up and masks covering their face. The group make a beeline for the building entrance and somehow make it in without much trouble. As they follow their manager through the many halls, they drop their disguises to bow at the stuff they pass by, politely acknowledging each one.

Just before their necks give away, they finally make it to their private dressing room. It’s large and almost too bright from the large amount of lights surrounding the mirrored wall on the opposite side of the door. Their stylist noonas were already there, makeup brushes in hand. After a quick game of rock paper scissors, J-Hope, Suga and Jin are seated first. The other four gather at the lounge area in the other corner of the room to fool around some more.

Taehyung throws his body onto a navy couch, only to groan and curl up against a pillow when it isn’t as soft as he had originally thought. Jimin laughs at his pain and decides to sit on top of him before he could get up.

“Jimin!!! Let me liveeeeee.” Taehyung squirms, voice sounding breathless. He wiggles to look at Jungkook, obviously seeking help. However, the evil glint that he received made his eyes widen. The youngest charges forward, hands up, and attacks his hyung’s side while laughing hysterically. Taehyung almost screams and tries even harder to escape from under Jimin, but the so-called smiling angel of BTS only giggles down at him and shrugs his shoulders as if his best friend wasn’t almost literally dying beneath him.

“What are you guys doing??” J-Hope yells from the other side of the room, eyes straining to see the commotion without moving his head because Youngju noona would whack him with the eyeliner pen if she had to redo his makeup again.

“Nothing!” Jimin and Jungkook sweetly chorus back, making Namjoon roll his eyes and grin from the opposite couch. A loud and low groan emits from the corner and the stylist noonas all pause to turn, bewildered. But they all burst out laughing as well when they spot Taehyung’s messed up head of hair poking out from beneath Jungkook and Jimin, who were trying to hide their victim now. The other members shake their heads at the two’s antics and Taehyung whines to be released.

“I think I lost a rib.” He claims, head turning to pout towards Namjoon.

“Taehyung, you can’t just lose a rib.” Their leader responds, a smile growing on his lips.

“Well, obviously you can because I just did.”

Jungkook and Jimin finally release him and Taehyung lets out a dramatic breath. He rights himself and fusses with his messy hair. The other two sit beside him, and Jungkook reaches out in attempt to help his hyung – who was only making more of a mess of himself. Jimin abruptly lets out an excited gasp and reaches towards the coffee table in front of them.

“UNO cards!” He holds up his find, eyes bright. Taehyung, Jungkook, and Jin from the other side of the room, cheer as well.

“Taehyung, do you even remember the rules anymore.” Suga questions, eyes still closed because his stylist was straightening his bangs and no matter how tough he tended to act, the heat from the straightener was terrifying.

Said brunette pauses for a second before shrugging.

Namjoon shakes his head and leans forward to take out the rule book in order to explain, again. However, just as he was turning the pages, the door to their dressing room is open, causing it to bounce off the wall with a loud thud. Everyone quiets down and all eyes are turned towards the staff member that had just entered. The look on his face is grim and no one says a word as he motions for their manager hyung outside. Quickly, they step out together and the room is left eerily quiet.

“…What was that about?” Jin questions out loud. They worriedly make eye contact, but no one knows what to say. After a few moments the door opens again, slowly this time. The dark expression on his face is worse than the one worn by the staff member behind him. This shuts down any joke the BTS boys were thinking of making – a reflex they all started developing when things got too tense.

 

“Taehyung.”

Their manager motions with a small turn of his head and any laughter bubbling from earlier quickly dies down in the pit of Taehyung’s stomach.

And he knows.

He knows – knows what had been discussed outside those doors.

And what he would be told once they shut it behind him.

But the words don’t quite reach him. They seem to float around his head, in front of his eyes, and he looks away. She had been sick. But that wasn’t odd. Sometimes a small cold could cause her to be too tired to leave her bed but as soon as it would pass, he would receive yet another nagging call from her. About how he seemed to be losing too much weight and that she’ll make him more food when he visits again. About how Soonshim was being naughty again and it must be his fault for always spoiling the little rascal. And then his dad would send him a reassuring text as he leaves his grandmother’s place, telling him she was up and kicking again. Kicking him out, that is. Because, “Like father and son, you two worry too much. Leave this old woman alone!”

But the updates from his dad had been few and far apart. He had brushed it off. Perhaps his dad was worried of being bothersome during his hectic schedule. Perhaps she was just sleeping and there wasn’t much to update on. With that in mind, he had given his phone to the staff for safekeeping as usual.

 

Suddenly, there was a body surrounding him and he didn’t realize when his vision had become blurry. His grandmother was right, he should’ve eaten more fish when he was little. At the thought, he feels his hands shake and for some reason he can’t breathe. He tries to swallow but his throat had become tight, the pain spreading towards his chest. Taehyung grabs at the fabric of his hoodie over his heart and he opens his mouth to say something, anything. But his ears are ringing and he only hears a wretched sob escape. His manager holds him tighter and he thinks he’s crying on him but perhaps those were his tears, his cries. Without warning the door opens again and he finally opens his eyes to make eye contact with s staring bewilderedly at him.

They immediately rush over, asking what’s wrong and trying to all hold a part of him, trying to see what had happened. And that was when he felt his legs give way, his wall crumble, and darkness envelopes him as he shuts his eyes and just cries.

 

He cries.

And cries. And sobs and he doesn’t know what else to do but hold onto the limbs wrapped around him as he attempts to curl onto the ground. Because it can’t be true. He wanted to desperately wake up from this nightmare, to make the pain in his chest go away. His grandmother’s smiling face flashes before him and it only makes him sob harder and he’s sure he’s just screaming now but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care because the world was so cruel, so unfair, to take away his beloved grandma. His grandma who was more patient and more loving than any other being on Earth. It doesn’t make sense and suddenly he’s just so, so tired. His cries die down and Taehung’s limp body leans against Jungkook’s firm chest. He thinks he can hear Namjoon’s broken voice trying to calm him down so he slowly turns to look at him.

BTS’s leader. Their leader. His hyung. But even his usually reassuring presence wasn’t enough and Taehyung covers his eyes as he feels that lump in his throat grow again. He can feel the other six members all sitting closely around him, forming a protective wall around his vulnerable form.

 

“Taehyung, breathe. Just breathe a little please.” Jin pleads from beside him, voice unusually soft.

Taehyung obediently opens his mouth and takes in a long, ragged breath. The noise breaks the hearts of the other members. Even after being with each other for so many years, they had never seen their cheerful second youngest broken into so many pieces, literally laying on the ground before them. Their eyes were red from crying with him. They had quickly realized the situation they were in upon opening the door, when Taehyung had started to sob out his grandmother’s name. Even before the staff member could explain anything, all six had dropped to the ground to catch Taehyung as he curled up and that was where they were now – crouched on the floor around the brunette.

Long minutes pass by like this. With Taehyung’s soft cries and the other members quietly whispering words of comfort as they rub his back and wipe away the thick trail of tears staining his face. Taehyung cries until his throat is too dry to produce another sound and he finally just lays there, eyes open but dark. Jungkook is holding him close and Jimin and Jin both hold one of his hands. The others are huddled close, expression solemn.

Their manager hyung stood above them with a pained look as he watches his beloved boys, not wanting to interrupt. But, reality is indifferent and he shakily opens his mouth to catch their attention.

“Boys…I-I…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. If I could, I would stop the world for you,” he chokes out, “But your hyung can’t so-s”. He stops, at a loss for words, but Namjoon understands, nodding quietly. He begins to stand up, pulling J-Hope and Suga who are closest to him and they in turn grab hold of Jimin and Jin. Collectively, they begin to hold each other up before finally turning to the crumpled form of Taehyung curled up against the maknae who had been quietly crying with his hyung. The elder members help their youngest two up and as soon as Taehyung is standing again, he launches himself at Jimin and hides his face, mumbling apologies because this wasn’t the time. They were here for a performance and so many people were waiting outside for them and yet here he was, laying uselessly on the ground and moping and---he cries. Shoulders shaking, but he still follows the others as they slowly shuffle back inside their dressing room.

 

The stylist noonas worked in silence, cleaning up their tear stained faces and smudged eyeliner. Taehyung’s silent tears continued but the noonas only quietly wipe them away over and over again. J-Hope had his hand in a tight grip from the other seat.

The process took longer than usual but no one complained or even uttered a word. Taehyung’s cries had slowed down before finally subsiding altogether. He sniffs, letting go of J-Hope’s hand to wipe away his own tears. He apologizes to his stylist for being bothersome but she determinedly shakes her head and gives him a small smile. Taehyung lets out few long breaths and the room seems to breathe with him.

 

“It’s okay.” He mutters, almost to himself but the silence in the room allows everyone to hear and they all hang onto his words.

“I’m okay. I’m okay.” he chants, trying to crack a smile. “We have a show to perform right?”

The members try to respond in their usual chipper voices but they sound soft and unsure.

The rest of their preparation continues just as quietly and Taehyung feels numb, as if he was dreaming and just floating down the hall, following the members as they went to get ready. He doesn’t know when they arrived below stage but out of nowhere, the sounds of excited screams reach his ears and he looks up. There’s a flight of stairs ahead of him that led towards the bright light above. He stares, almost transfixed by the brightness and his eyes are watery again. He feels himself being pulled towards the light and his legs are moving on their own. He takes the first step up, then another, and another. But a hand around his wrist stops him and suddenly his vision is back to normal. His surroundings become clear and he turns his head back.

Looking down, he sees the faces of his precious members. His best friends, his brothers, his family. They’re all smiling gently up at him, eyes full of love and reassurance because they knew, that Taehyung needed them. He needed them to keep him grounded and to be his reminder that although reality was cruel, it also held all of their good memories and the happiest moments of his life. That although his heart felt like it was going to give out, theirs would continue to beat for him, for each other. And that made things just a little better.

He turns back to look up the stairs and he can hear s gathering around him. They take a step up together. Then another – the screams of ARMYs engulf them. As the sea of lights comes into view, Taehyung can’t help but think that death was awfully cruel. It had tried to tear his world apart…but, today was not the day and he feels his heart beat again.