When I was a kid, my mom told me that in order to become who you want to be, you must endure what you don’t want to do. It sounded very confusing and adult-ish, but once I finally found something I wanted to do, those words came back to me. I wanted to be a professor, someone who could transmit knowledge to others and perhaps, make a small change. I looked at life differently ever since; I’ve started to appreciate every step towards my dream no matter how futile it may seem, tolerated most of the other subjects that I had no interest in, but most of all, I overcame my fears of being a failure. It was a messy ride that I thoroughly enjoyed, and one I wish I could go back to again and again, until the day I perish. And then, life decided to play a funny game-spoiler alert: it wasn’t funny. Months after my graduation, mom started feeling an extreme pain in her joints. At first, she shrugged it off as nothing, saying her old age is taking a toll on her, but once it started getting worse, we pushed her to go see a doctor. Needless to say, it wasn’t good news. After a quick diagnosis, the doctor put down his stethoscope and looked at us in a sort of pitiful way. She has rheumatoid arthritis, he said, and that if it’s not thoroughly treated, it can develop into a form of cancer called lymphoma, and that was the day that changed everything I believed in all-together. Mom, the woman that taught me everything about living and achieving, the woman that held our family together right after dad left, the woman that protected us and never gave up on us since day one, she was my world, I couldn’t let her go alone through this, and I had to make the harsh decision of letting my dream rest for a while. I didn’t completely bury it, I was too in love with it to let it go, and I’m glad I didn’t. Because, after all these years, I’m still madly in love with it.

I stand in front of mom’s room, my knuckles hovering over the door, still thinking of how to approach the subject. I know for a fact that mom would be thrilled when I tell her that I have found a job; mothers are selfless like that when it comes to their children, but there is this huge part of me that is relentlessly scared. No, not scared. I feel remorseful, I feel like I’m betraying the promise I made to myself to always be by my mother’s side. I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but my heart can’t seem to calm down.

I swallow whatever my guts tell me and open the door. I find her lying on her bed, wearing her favorite cotton orange pajama, staring at the window overlooking the nearby old shabby park, or what remains of it at least.

“Hey mom.” she immediately perks up when sees me and my chest tightens at the sight of her iridescent aura.

“Hey dear.” she whispers faintly and beckons me to come sit next to her. I try not to think of how weak and fragile she looks as I plop onto the bed and lay my head on her lap. I hear her chuckle before she puts her hand on my head and I instantly feel at ease. “I know you’re worried about me Dara” she says as she runs her hand through my hair, “but your worry worries me” I turn my head around to see her and the solemn look in her eyes catches me off guard. “There’s nothing that breaks my heart more than seeing you so distraught and sad. I know how badly you want to work, and I desperately want you to. Go get that job, Dara. You don’t need my approval to do so.”

“Wait, how do you know about the job offer?” I ask her, baffled. She smiles and holds my hand, hers rough against mine, but more soothing than any human touch.

“Jiyong told me. In fact, he made sure I was the first to know before he got to ask you” her smile widens suddenly, “He was really worried about you, dear. He’s always been.” I stare at her even more confused than I was, the smile never leaving her face.

“What does that mean?” I acquire and she squints her eyes in an adoring way.

“He’s a great guy and I’m glad that he is in your life. I’ve always liked him. He has a sense of comfort in him” she says as if she’s known Jiyong all her life, and that sets me off.

“Okay, am I missing something here? He and I never got along in uni mom, remember? He’s never been over at our house, and you’ve met him for the first time yesterday..right?” I trail hesitantly, trying to decipher the meaning behind mom’s mischievous smile, doubting everything I’ve ever believed in.

“I don’t think it’s my place to tell.” She brushes the whole thing off as if it’s no big deal, which is not the case, but I try to throw away whatever curiosity I have so as to not tire my mom. Instead, I think of Jiyong. It’s funny how just yesterday, I used to think he was the source of all evil in the world, and now I see him as nothing but a selfless angel. I still feel bad that I let my false judgement of him blind me all these years, and I feel even worse for questioning his motives. But, now that we’re friends, I hope things evolve to the best.

“He is a great guy, you’re right about that” I smile as I remember this morning’s conversation with him. “And I’m so thankful to him for this opportunity”

She gently squeezes my hands and looks at me as if I’m the only person that matters in this world “Go get that job, Dara. Go be whoever you want to be, I’ll be right here with you in every little step towards your happiness. There’s nothing I wish more than to see you and Cheondung happy with who you are. I love you both so much” Tears prickle my eyes as I stare at her maternal tender gaze, radiating nothing but love and pride.

This woman, this beautiful strong and patient woman that raised me through thick and thin and took pride in whatever I did, that taught me everything but how to live without her, that loved me unconditionally and made me feel important, this woman is my world. No word could ever come close to describing the intense and overwhelming love I have for her. She’s simply my everything. And so, as slowly as I could, just to savor the moment, I get up, put my palm on her warm cheek and lean in to kiss her forehead.

“I love you too, mom”

“you guys! I’m here too!” I turn around abruptly to see Cheondung by the door, eyebrows raised in disbelief. “don’t leave me out! I want love too” he cries in a childish manner that absolutely does not suit his age, but I smile nevertheless as he comes close and hugs my mom’s side, resting his head on her shoulder.

“You giant baby” Mom chuckles as she pats his head lovingly. I go back to laying my head on her lap and sigh in relief. It’s a cheesy pile of family love, it’s almost sickening how much we care for each other, but, if I’m being honest, I love it. I won’t have it any other way.

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