Chapter Eight

“You are late.”

She took off her sneakers before she casted a glance at him. “I had something to be done.”  

“Mom asked me to look for you, but I guess that I don’t have to do it now,” Chanyeol said while taking off his sweater and headed towards the kitchen. “If you don’t mind, I have something to be discussed.”

Youngji felt as if her feet were grounded on the floor, and she wasn’t able to move. Her legs were stiff, and she felt like it was a huge burden to use them to go towards the kitchen. From where she was standing, she saw Chanyeol sipping his water while staring somewhere. He looked nonchalant, and there wasn’t any misery shown through his expression, and that made her even curious. Was he thinking on having a casual conversation? She had no idea, and it made her very uneasy inside.

“You don’t want to talk to me?” he asked.

She didn’t answer and she finally decided to go towards the kitchen. She was still holding her backpack, and she didn’t have any plan on letting it go. She followed Chanyeol towards the dining room, which was situated right beside the kitchen.

“What is it?”

He bit his lips as he sat down on one of the chairs at the dining table. He looked at her, hoping that she understood what he was trying to say – and thankfully, she did, and she took a seat as well.

“Sehun told me to get rid of you,” he muttered nervously, fingers circling the rim of his glass. He didn’t dare to look into her eyes, and he only stared at the surface of the dining table instead. “I told him that I won’t, because,” he cocked his head a bit to get a view of her expression before he continued, “I know that you – we will never think about making ‘us’ happen again.”

“I’m glad that you think that way,” she said. There was happiness and relief in her upon hearing that statement coming from Chanyeol’s mouth, but she wasn’t going to show it. After all, it was only an assurance that Chanyeol won’t bother her that much. It didn’t mean that Chanyeol didn’t hate her – she never feared the admittance regarding her feelings about her and Chanyeol’s separation. Chanyeol was more than a past lover – he was definitely more than that. She was about to continue, wanting to share her piece of thoughts, but then she calculated her decision again. Isn’t that’s only gonna hurt Chanyeol more? It’s only going to make him remember, and it’s good enough that he’s not talking about it anymore.

“You look like you want to say something,” he stated. “If you don’t have anything to be said, I would like to continue the discussion.”

“I’m fine with that.”

Chanyeol hawked. “My girlfriend – the girl who came here during the dinner – is....” he trailed off, doubting his next sentence, but he forced himself to spit it out. “She is upset that you’re here – I’m not blaming you, not at all. It’s just I would like you to help clearing this misunderstanding.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want to talk because apparently, she is –“ A quick thought came into her mind, and she abruptly stopped her sentence. She knew how Chanyeol was, and basing from her judgement, if she told him about his girlfriend’s nasty doing, he would surely confront her and ask her about it. They were probably going to break up, and rumours about ‘Chanyeol’s infamous past lover’ breaking those two up would surface. Youngji shivered. “I’ll try to talk about this with her. For now,” she said, looking into Chanyeol’s eyes, “I hope that the both of you will be strong. I am sincerely sorry that I am the cause of this mess.”

“No, I told you that it’s not –“

“Chanyeol,” she spoke his name softly, and he was immediately silenced. It was just like the old times, when the both of them argued, and Youngji would always be the calmer one and bring an end to the argument. She had always been that way, and right now, Chanyeol felt something stirring in his heart. He missed her. He had been missing her, and he could feel his tears pooling. “We’ve been friends for years, and I know you very well.”

You always don’t want to make me feel bad, she thought. If only she hadn’t known him since her childhood, she was sure that she would like him romantically. If only.

Chanyeol’s thoughts were as messy as the bird’s nest. He heaved a breath before he attempted on smiling – which he failed on doing. He was shaking. He was trembling. He wanted to let it all out, but he was afraid. Since the day she left, there wasn’t any assurance left when it came to her. She became like a fog, which could be seen, but it was never there forever. Sometimes, it could be seen clearly, but at other times, there was none of it. She was like that.

“I –“ he forced himself to say something. Anything. “I missed you.”

She felt shiver going down her spine. I missed you, too, she wanted to reply. I still need you, she wanted to add, but her lips were too heavy.

She smiled warmly. “Thank you,” she said, “Yeol-chan.”  

 Dinner time was torturous. She honestly preferred waiting.

“How’s school at Canada?” Mistress Park asked. Her motherly smile was always on her lips every time Youngji looked at her.

“It was really good,” she answered truthfully.

“How did you spend your time there? You were living alone, am I right?” Mistress Park inquired. Chanyeol just listened to the conversation while eating his meal. Actually, he was interested as well; Youngji had never contacted him. Not even once.

“Yes,” Youngji said. Her answer about how she spent her time seemed to be halted, though. How was she going to answer it? Was she supposed to be honest and admit to Mistress Park that she never actually studied anything? It wasn’t her fault, really – she blamed the books for being too hard to be understood. She also blamed her mind because apparently, its condition was the thing that encouraged her to slack off. The thing she took for granted embarrassed her a lot. “I was usually at home, finishing my tasks if I had one.”

Well, that wasn’t a lie.

“How about a love interest? Was there anyone as good as Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol coughed. “Mom –“

“Don’t be silly.” Mistress Park giggled before she took a sip of her water. “There’s nobody as good as you, there. I bet that it’s the reason why Youngji’s still single,” she said while eyeing Youngji affectionately. It was such a shame that Youngji had left on short notice. “Youngsters are not mature enough, so Chanyeol, don’t take Youngji’s past action seriously.”

Youngji wanted to retort and say something to clear everything, but there was a lump at . Don’t say it, she told herself. In the end, she ducked her head, avoiding any eye-contact with Mistress Park. That was the most she could do to show her disagreement with the statement.

“Mom,” Chanyeol said in a pleading tone, “I already have a girlfriend.”

Mistress Park sighed in discontentment. “I told you that I don’t like her.”  

“She is a nice girl.”

Mistress Park furrowed her brows. “Don’t say that kind of thing in front of me, much less in front of Youngji.”

Youngji felt like she wanted to throw a piece of meat at Mistress Park to show how annoyed she was. She kind of disliked Jooyeon’s personality, but that didn’t mean that Mistress Park had the right to use her name to persuade Chanyeol to leave Jooyeon. That wasn’t right, and she felt bitter that she was too bounded on her principle that she wasn’t able to say anything.

Chanyeol silently finished his food and left the dining table.

Youngji tried to remain collected till the end, and as soon as both Mister and Mistress Park dismissed the dining room, she headed towards Chanyeol’s room.

She knocked once, and the door was immediately opened.

“It’s rude,” she said.

Chanyeol grimaced, and it was obvious that he was bothered by his own action too. “I know.”

“What happened to you?”

Chanyeol shook his head while closing his eyes. He didn’t know, too. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “It’s just...”

“You are stressed,” she stated. She slowly felt the burden on her shoulders evaporating. Talking to Chanyeol always made her feel good. She had been putting the pretence of hating his presence since she arrived at the Park household, but that was only because she was afraid that he would think that she was trying to make them an item. Furthermore, she wasn’t supposed to depend on him that much. She was supposed to be able to stand on her own two feet now. Being close to him was only gonna throw her efforts to waste. “I am really sorry. I’ll head to my room –“

“Can you stay with me for a while?” he asked, voice filled with hope.

“Chanyeol –“

“It has no other meaning,” he quickly explained. “I just, we haven’t talked that much for years so I think that it’s appropriate for us to catch up with each other’s life.”

He was right. Wanting to avoid him was one thing, but ignoring a friend’s request was another thing.  

“Honestly,” she began speaking, “I prefer avoiding you.” She saw how Chanyeol’s face fell, so she hastily continued, “But you’re right. I am curious about your changes, especially now that you have the gut to offend your mother.”

He went into his room, and Youngji narrowed her eyes in confusion. Aren’t we supposed to have a conversation?

“Come in,” he said, and then he realized the look in her eyes. His cheeks reddened. He totally forgot that things were not the same. “Oh God – I apologize. I” – his eyes were darting everywhere – “don’t know that you don’t feel this comfortable around me.”

Youngji shook her head in an attempt to tell Chanyeol that it wasn’t that, while trying to clear her mind from her complicated thoughts evading. It was a two-in-one action.

Damn. She couldn’t do it.

“Yes, I do feel uncomfortable,” she finally said. Her eyes immediately caught something: an old picture which was framed and put on the nightstand.

Chanyeol noticed that she seemed to be lost in her own thoughts, so he followed where she was staring, and his eyes fell on the same picture. “Oh, that,” he murmured. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“It is,” she said softly, voice coming almost like a whisper. “It has been two years since the last time I visited her.”

“Same here,” he said. “I can’t bring myself to meet her.”

“I wasn’t even able to do anything,” she murmured. “She was there, but I didn’t even go towards her.”

Chanyeol raised a hand to rub her back, but she abruptly walked backwards, her hands acting as a shield. It was an act of defence, and Chanyeol was confused. Why?

“I can handle this,” she said. “I can,” she repeated, and Chanyeol looked even more confused. She slowly stepped backward. It was slow at first, but before she even realized it, she already left Chanyeol. She was running away, again.

Chanyeol touched the picture, caressing its surface. He wondered if the three people in it felt happy about how things were now.

She woke up the next day, eyes bloated and looking like she just lost her favourite coat. Her eyes glanced at the clock which was placed on her nightstand – and she was surprised to see that it was only three in the morning. She put her head on the fluffy pillow again, staring at the ceiling for a brief moment before she tried to close her eyes and sleep again. A few minutes later, she opened them as she groaned and continuously shifting her body position. She fooled herself into thinking that she would be able to sleep later and she even tried to count the imaginary sheep.

The quilt was dramatically thrown across the mattress, which was a clear sign of defeat.

She sat while leaning her back against the head of the bed, and her eyes were immediately directed at her laptop – and she suddenly thought of her untouched thesis. She had been busy with her ridiculously not-so busy but apparently busy life. The bullying incident was a sort of upgraded version of a live action headache. It would not be a problem, actually, if it wasn’t for the fact that the culprit was Park Chanyeol’s very own girlfriend. Why didn’t she clarify anything? Firstly, because she didn’t want Chanyeol to have an argument with his girlfriend about it. Youngji had no doubt about that was exactly what Chanyeol would do, because being friends with Chanyeol for years had taught her a few valuable lessons. Second, because of Kim Jongdae.

Sometimes, she cursed her brain for exhausting her mind. Sometimes, her strong memory served as an advantage – most of the times, to be exact. It was that speciality of hers that helped her to graduate earlier than the other people around her age. ‘She is a genius’ was the phrase that she always heard. She wasn’t sure if she liked her new nickname – genius – but she knew that she didn’t dislike it. As long as people liked her and didn’t detest her because of it, then she was surely gonna be a happy bunny. Her parents seemed so proud, too.

But as she always thought as well, that speciality was sometimes used to torture herself. Faces of people she wanted to forget, memories she wanted to erase, the clear recollections that she feared, and everything that she wanted to dispose from her memory storage – they were always there. They would never disappear from her mind. They weren’t even drawn in blurred lines – they were too clear. Too clear for comfort, and apparently, the clear lines were the product of her speciality.

Like Kim Jongdae, as an example. She was so sure that the very few days with him were enough to have the guy’s playful grin plastered permanently on her mind. She already had some very convincing visuals of Jongdae having a conversation, Jongdae laughing about silly things, Jongdae suggesting some absurd stuffs, Jongdae being sour, and Jongdae being in love. These days, all the memories she gained were related to Jongdae.

It was funny as well, since in those few days, she learnt so many stuffs about Jongdae whereas she needed the entire years of her childhood and adolescence years to learn many things about Chanyeol. Jongdae was not like an open book; you couldn’t really decipher the meaning behind his expression because he only had two settings: dark and bright. He always used the bright one. There was nothing too mysterious to begin with.

But Jongdae was like a flying bird. He was always so energetic and always so carefree. Conversation flowed without glitch and trust was like the only option when it came to him. He was warm – but still, she wouldn’t forget the fact that he was always too forward. She credited him for his ability to gain people’s trust easily, though.

She went towards the bathroom to wash her face because she wanted to do her thesis, and she preferred doing it without the feeling of having something sticky on her face. She cleansed the bubbles from her face, rubbing certain areas for a few times and then she suddenly felt it: the paranoia. She imagined something standing beside her, watching her with a wicked smile and bloodshot eyes. Then she remembered that it was dark in her bedroom. She also remembered that she was alone. She trembled in fear, quickly cleansing everything and opened her eyes to take a good look around her. Nobody. Nothing.

She rushed outside and quickly switched on the light in her room. She didn’t know when she got her knees on the ground and how her hands already met the floor to keep herself from collapsing down. She exactly didn’t know how she got tears on her cheeks, but she continued to sob silently. The long years – they were all for nothing.