“Kyuhyun, you have to eat breakfast", my sister Ahra murmurs from the hallway.

I look at my bedroom's door expressionless, hoping she both manages to open the door and not to open it, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

While my sister keeps pleading me to go eat something, I pick my cellphone, unlock it and open my chatroom with Jongwoon. If I want to understand everything, I have to start from the beginning. I'll go back to the first text exchanged between us.

There's something wrong. Our conversation started last month, so the period before that it's like it never existed. There are two possible explanations: I erased our conversation after he died or I changed my phone, without doing any backup. But the fact is that I've completely forgotten why. I don't remember anything.

@@@@@@@@@@

“You know what's happening", a voice echoes in the silence of my room.

I open my eyes and look around, searching for a presence that I already know I won't find.

I cover my face with my hand, exhausted for all this thinking and sleeping just a few hours. I look at my clock and I notice that it's a half past five in the morning; it's useless trying to go back to sleep. Besides, I have to go to school then.

I pick my phone to play but there's an incoming text and I start reading.

From: Jongwoon-hyung

To: Kyuhyun 

"So, anything new? Still sure I'm dead? Give me a Little satisfaction and tell me that you believe in me, the one that have never lied to you."

Okay, he's got a point: he has always said the truth, even when it hurt.

From: Kyuhyun

To: Jongwoon-hyung

"The only thing I'm sure of is that I can't trust anyone and I don't like it. Yeah, you're right when you said you never lied to me, but it's also true that you're acting weird. If that accident happened and you're not dead, maybe the impact did something to you. Tell me your version of the story."

From: Jongwoon-hyung

To: Kyuhyun

"I'll be there in half an hour. Be ready." 

I jump on my feet and start getting ready, wondering what's going to happen after this conversation. The one with Minha left me full of doubts.

On time like always, Jongwoon calls me and I go down the stairs without making a noise, afraid I might awake someone. I go out the house and go towards Jongwoon's car.

"Hi", I murmur sitting beside him and fastening my seatbelt.

"Hi", he answers. "We are going to our usual café, alright?"

"Sure.”

Silence falls in the car and the only noise comes from the radio. There are no other cars around. We don't speak until we arrive to the café where we used to have breakfast before going to school or, in his case, at university.

The place is simple, the external walls are covered with wooden strips, the window marks are of the same material but green. There are a few cases with colorful gardenias in front of the windows. It seems to be in the mountain and not in the middle of a city.

We enter and the waiter welcomes us with a smile on the lips while guiding us to a table in front of the glass window from where you can admire the garden of the restaurant. An earthly paradise in a concrete jungle.

“Have you already been here or do you want the menú?"

“We have already come. I'll take a coffee and a fruit pie", Jongwoon answers.

“I'll take a capuccino and a croissant of raspberries”, I smile at her.

“Got it", she replies while writing down our orders.

As soon as she goes to the counter, I look at Jongwoon. His eyes, usually so expressive, are empty, giving me the impression that I'm not looking at my best friend but at a robot, void of emotions.

“We have to increase the dosage", I hear a voice saying this but when I look around, I notice that there's no one in the café apart from us and two waiters.

I shake away the thought of having auditory hallucinations and concentrate my attention on my friend.

“Please Jongwoon, tell me what is happening. I… I'm scared", I admit lowering my gaze, feeling ashamed of my weakness, my fragility. I'm not Kyuhyun anymore, the strong and independent boy I was a few months ago. I'm just a projection of him.

“Kyuhyun, it's not simple. None of this mess is simple. Sometimes I'm afraid of my sanity too", he confesses.

“You are afraid of your sanity? What should I say, when I'm in the middle of two fires? When I have to understand if I'm crazy or if the others are the ones crazy?"

“Well, everyone hides a vein of madness."

"Please Jongwoon, don't give me this bull", I retort exasperated. "Tell me the truth or I could do something very drastic."

“What do you mean?” He asks worriedly but when he notices I won't answer, he sighs. "Don't do anything stupid. I'll tell you what I know and… and what's happening. But please, don't let madness take over you", he adds.

What is he talking about? Is he really saying I'm really going crazy?

I'm about to asks for some explanation but some screams distract me.

“Stop stuffing him with drugs! He's only getting worse!" This voice… I recognize it. It's Heechul's voice. The problem is… he's not here? What's happening?

Jongwoon notices my distraction and smiles wistfully, as if he knows I'm listening voices.

"He has been in this vegetative state for three months, and you insist on giving him pills! , he's not mad!” Heechul shouts again.

I put my hands to my ears, trying to ward off the hallucinations, but I can't. My heart begins to beat madly and my breathing becomes irregular. In the background I can hear the intermittent sound of a machine getting faster while white flashes hit my eyes.

"Kyuhyun?" I hear Jongwoon ask me among all this noise."

."Jongwoon!” Heechul's voice echoes in my head, making me shut my eyes because of the headache.

“Stop it… Leave me alone....” I whisper with a broken voice.

“There you g… Are you okay?!" The waiter asks worried.

“Help him, please!" The voice in my head starts pleading before starting to cry.

I put my hands in my hair, gripping my head tightly and letting tears of pain slide down my face. I feel my head about to burst, as if it is breaking in two.

The last thing I feel is someone grabbing my hand and a voice asking me to stay with him, to not let him alone again.

@@@@@@@@@@

I feel a pang in my head and my eyes burn, as if I were looking at the sun without a lens to act as a filter. With my hand I touch the surface on which I am lying and I understand that I am on a mattress or in any case something soft and comfortable. Jongwoon probably took me to the restroom of the café's staff after I passed out.

“He is recovering, but I recommend the utmost caution. He could have a relapse and not wake up for a while, as has happened in recent days ", I hear a male voice in the room talking, but I don't understand who he is referring to.

“Sure”, another voice closer to me than the first reassures the other.

I hear the two people greet each other before the door opens and footsteps go away from here. One of them must have stayed in the room because I feel the presence of someone on my right.

"Can you hear me?"

I try to speak, but my throat is dry and it hurts, as if I have been talking or screaming for hours without stopping.

The person takes my hand and places it on his. "If you hear me, hold my hand tight."

I close my fingers around his wrist, calming my breathing thanks to the regularity of his pulse. His free hand my hair and my mind begins to try to identify his touch, but without succeeding.

“You can't open your eyes because… because the light bothers you. The doctor said that you will soon be able to see again and that you have not suffered any serious damage", he informs me.

At this point I realize that it is not Jongwoon who is speaking to me, but Heechul and this confuses me. Where did he go? He was with me when I passed out, wasn't he?

"I just… Ugh… I just fa-fainted”, I mumble with difficulty.

“Just passed out? You ... Do you know where you are?" He questions and in his voice I can hear concern.

"I assume in the re-restroom of the staff."

"!" I hear him exclaim before muttering all sorts of curses through gritted teeth.

“Are you okay, hyung?" I slide my clenched hand down on his wrist, squeezing his hand, as if to reassure him.

"Not really…" 

I start to ask him what he means, but I am interrupted by a sob. Intrigued, I raise my hand, moving it to where I sense his face is, and when I touch what I believe is his cheek, I feel something wet.

“Are you crying?”

In all my years of friendship with Heechul, I had never seen him cry. Not even when his favorite cat ran away from home a while ago. And he loves felines.

"What… Why?"

“I should have avoided it. You... It's all our fault!" He groans between sobs.

I sit up, but pains along my body forces me to lie down again. I feel helpless, unable to console my friend in his crisis. I don't know what he meant by his words, but I'm not so insensitive as to ask him when he can't even stop sobbing.

“Hyung, can you… can you get close to me?" I hate being so weak, especially when someone dear to me needs to be consoled. 

I hear him mutter something before picking up a movement in the air and a presence next to me on my right. He takes my hand, but I also squeeze his other, wanting to tell him that despite everything, I'm here with him. 

I give him time to calm down, without putting pressure on him to explain why I'm in the hospital and make him tell me where Jongwoon is. Every now and then I the backs of his hands with my thumbs, feeling the sobs fade away.

When I notice that he has stopped crying, I put my hands on his cheeks and very carefully, using the sleeves of what I assume is the hospital gown, I wipe his tears.

“Thanks", he murmurs.

He's probably blushing because he's not the type to thank easily, so I smile, imagining him trying to compose himself.

"Listen, I..." He begins to say hesitantly.

"Tell me what you want; I promise not to get angry or react badly. "

“It's not an easy thing to say. Not in these conditions... "

“Where are my parents, hyung?"

“Ah, them? They are at work, but don't worry, I told them you woke up, so they'll come later."

"And my sister?"

I feel him holding his breath and interpret it as a bad sign. Very bad, to tell the truth.

"What happened to her?" I ask worried and starting to get upset.

"That's the point... You... You don't have a sister, but a brother…"

No. Last time I checked, whoever lived under the same roof with my parents and me had s and certainly had nothing strange between their legs.

"I'm sure Ahra is a female."

I hear him sigh before shaking my hand tightly. “Ahra is Kyuhyun's sister. Kyuhyun... He is... He was our friend."

“Um, Kyuhyun it's me”, I say confidently.

“Kyuhyun is… he died three months ago. You, Jongwoon, tried to save him from the impact, but you didn't succeed, ending up hitting your head against the concrete of the road."

It is absolutely not possible. The one who died three months ago, according to my own friends, was Jongwoon, not me. Jongwoon died trying to save me. It is me who mourns his death, not the other way around.

"It's not true. I am Kyuhyun. Jongwoon died after pushing me away from the car", I exclaim, putting a hand through my hair.

“Woonie… I know it's hard to accept, but it is. You were supposed to meet up to give him his birthday present, but as you crossed the street, a car was approaching you at great speed and wouldn't have time to brake. Kyuhyun, who was waiting for you on the other side, threw himself in the middle of the road to move you but… he didn't make it out unscathed. You, due to the impact, lost consciousness and he... He died just before the ambulance arrived.”

I am paralyzed. I can't believe his words because... because I'm a monster. I... I let him die alone. Because of me, he lost his life. I killed him.

"Leave me alone", I whisper.

"No, not…"

"Please, I need to be alone", I reply, raising my voice slightly.

"No, I'm not leaving."

“I WANT YOU OUT! NOW!"

I can feel him walking away from me, slowly and trying to be told to stop and keep me company. But I will not. I really have to think and be alone. I lived three months in a coma as if nothing had happened, in fact, believing I was Kyuhyun and thinking that I was dead. I created a world of lies, illusions and hopes, wishing that who died was me and not him.

"Before I go out, I want to tell you it wasn't your fault. The guy driving was drunk and going at a faster speed than allowed. And Kyuhyun… he just wanted you to be okay" he murmurs before opening the door and leaving.

I hear his footsteps moving away and I allow myself to collapse, giving free rein to the tears I've been repressing since he gave me the news. I my face into my hands as I bring my knees to my chest.

I don't want it to be true. I don't want to be alive in Kyuhyun's place. I was supposed to die, not him. Why was I in such a hurry to give him a ing gift, unaware that it would cost him his life?!