Taeyeon

I couldn’t help but believe that my avoidance of feelings altogether got something to do with my childhood and parents. I could still remember the time when I was a very small kid, and looked at them with big hopeful eyes, admiring the love they gave to each other and to me.

But contrary to the fairytales (that I still believed in at that point) – things don’t end in a good way. My dad died when I was fourteen years old and my mother… she was devastated beyond repair.

For months she barely survived and I had to take care of her, instead of being rebellious teen (like a lot of my classmates at that time) How I became popular is still somewhat a mystery to me, since I never really tried and I preferred avoiding people instead of spending time with them. Yuri was the only exception since we met at kindergarten and she knew about my loss and pain.

Also, I couldn’t help but admire Yuri. Her nails were always dressed in vibrant colors, she either put on dresses that hugged her body in all the right angles or put on baggy clothes that still made her look attractive to the eye. My friend was stunning and clearly she knew it. But her looks weren’t the only thing that made other people admire her (or I’m probably just speaking from my own point of new) – she didn’t need the approval of anyone else for how she is. I really wished both my mother and I could be have the same mindset.

After my father’s death, Mom found a new hobby. That was – she slept around with random men. Those men either help her pay the bills or some she just kept around to keep her company, because she was lonely.

I think I got an example how to behave from her. I did sleep around without having feelings, just playing around, giving someone the time of my day and then moving on to the next one. It never made me feel happy or complete, but it was a distraction from a disaster at home.

It couldn’t last forever though. I decided it was time to change and even though both girls and guys still throw themselves at me I avoid them instead. Ironically, this type of behavior made me even more popular among my peers. Funny, huh? But people are strange and we seem to want things that don’t want us back…

Impossible things…

…or people…

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter