I Don't Wanna Be In Love

mayuri

--

The door to our shared apartment slams shut, followed by your hurried footsteps. Just three seconds in, and I know it’s that kind of night again. Jacket carelessly thrown over the couch, shoes on disarray, bag left on the floor. I didn’t even get to greet you when you stormed right through the bathroom, slamming that door as well.

“Hey Taem.” I knocked on the door, hoping I could still be heard over the heavy splash of water on your end.  “I’m just finishing up cooking, would you like some wine for tonight?” A single grunt is all I get. So much for a welcome.

I go back to cutting onions for the stir fry I was making, knowing it won’t be long before you finish your shower. The salmon’s already been grilled, the chicken roasted, and the cake chilled and kept pretty on the fridge. The roundtrip ticket for two to Paris I double checked to be safely hidden on the cabinet next to the table.

It’s been a while since your rehearsals don’t run up ‘til early morning and you actually come home before dinner. I know working as a freelance dancer and part-time dance instructor can be tiring, but you never around. Never even got time for us to celebrate your successful show just two weeks ago.

Always busy at the studio, ‘rehearsals don’t stop even if the show’s yet to be scheduled!!!’, ‘there’s this new club next town, of course we need to crash and have an impromptu show there’, ‘little kids need guidance for them to properly dance, babe’.

“Sit down, this won’t take a while”. I called out, hearing you walk back to the living room, drying your hair. I look at you as you rummage through your bag for your phone.

“Too tired. And I ate with Kai earlier”. Kai. Of course. Your best friend, dance crew partner, designated travel buddy, and as you have declared “my soulmate. But just dance soulmate. Don’t get the wrong idea, you’re everything to me”. Who else would you skip dinner for?

“I have some cake, though. There’s always room for dessert?”

“Nah”. Try harder, Jinki. 

--

“Hey Jjong, our company party is tonight. Don’t forget okay? I already had your suit picked up by your secretary earlier. She blocked you shed too. Call me when you’re in the lobby, all right?”

“Yeah, yeah. Look Bummie, I have a meeting in a minute. I already told you I’ll be really busy. Why did you even call when you told me the same thing before I left this morning?”

“Well I just-“

“Well, stop. I’ll see you later.” A few seconds before the call disconnected, a chirpy “Hi Jjongie!” rings loud.

--

You emerged from our room dressed in black tight-fitting pants, see-through button-up, and black biker jacket hung sloppily on your shoulders. I see you styled your hair to perfection, brushed up and messy like you’ve just ran you fingers through it. How you managed to put that eyeliner in the short time you were back in our bedroom still amazes me.

“Hey Taem-“

“Kai’s already downstairs, don’t wait up for me.”

You’re only home for a minute and then you’re gone. Too busy from dance class, you said. But never too tired for drinks, I suppose.

--

"It’s fifteen past seven. Are you near? I called your secretary earlier to remind you.."

"If you could arrive here 15 mins before eight, we could still make it, I guess?"

"Come on Jjong, pick up."

"Your secretary doesn’t pickup also. Are you still on a meeting?"

"Jjongie, you didn’t forget right?"

"Jjong, please.."

I have always been forgiving. Missed family outings, last-minute cancelled dates, forgotten anniversaries. I understood when you had to leave early during dinner for urgent meetings. I understood when you had to rebook trips I had planned for so long because something came up and your boss needed you in the office. I understood when you had to stay working until morning because of tight deadlines.

I understood all of your reasons and forgiven all your mistakes when you went down on your knees and I decided I wanted to wear that ring you’re holding up to me. I never held you at fault for all these things. But is it too much to ask for your time?

You knew this night is important to me. You knew I have been slaving over my work for the past few years hoping against all odds to even be recognized as part of the fashion industry. You knew I have been waiting for this moment all my life, where all my efforts are recognized and all hard work paid off. I never asked anything from you, but just to be with me on this special night. I just want you to be there for me. But where are you when I needed you the most?

--

What is it this time? Kai suffering through heartbreak? Kai got a new TV set, you have to drink and celebrate? Kai’s cat died and he needs you to mourn with him? All these reasons, I don’t keep track anymore. You don’t give much, anyway. One text, and you’re up and running to meet him. I would be lucky if you could even remember to tell me you’re going out.

"Hey Taem. I actually booked us tickets to Paris. I’m leaving them on your side of the bed so you could look through. Happy anniversary. Don’t wait up for me as well."

--

The black suit I have spent hours designing is there hanging near our full-length mirror. I can see that it’s tailored to perfection. Sharp yet with an underlying seduction with its subtle artistic patterns. Yours were tailored to fit your bulkier figure and designed with bolder lines to perfectly complement mine. Too bad, no one’s gonna see that perfection tonight.

Why bother matching up suits when there’s no one to match up with?

I put on my skinnies and boots, glammed up with the eyeliner and tint, rummaged for the top with the lowest neckline I could find to pair up with this sweet blazer for the night.

If you could forget about me, I could go out and forget that we’re together.

--

Heavy bass lines shake my bones, I don’t care how many drinks I’ve downed, baby if you want to forget, let’s forget the world together.

Tripping down the dance floor, I don’t care who sees. The music is loud and thumping against my chest, neon lights blinding in different colors, sweaty bodies grinding with every shift. Is this how you feel when you dance with him?

My vision’s hazy, too many drinks and too many faces to remember. Hands wrapped tight on my waist, I can feel a kiss on my neck, someone’s feeling my chest. Is this how it feels to forget?

Fox eyes. Supple lips. In this one night, what are you waiting for?

You got nothing to lose, don’t be afraid to get down.

--

My head is pounding, dull pain all over my body, white sheets in a mess. An arm around my waist, little puffs tickling behind my ear, clothes strewn across the floor.

Missed calls on my log, my inbox full. I’m sorry. I forgot. Where are you? This won’t happen again. I love you.

It’s too late to be trippin’ on the phone. If you got nothing left, what you gotta do?

“Good morning, Kibum.”

“Good morning, Jinki.”

--

End