Breathless.

That's how I felt like every time Taehyung kissed me.

No, he didn't kiss me. He stole the breath from my lips and swallowed it as if it was the only thing that was keeping him alive.

As if I was the only thing keeping him alive…

And I was hooked on the feeling. It was like a drug to me.

But, just like drugs, Taehyung did nothing but destroy my life.

He only kissed me in the dark, when he was too drunk to think. Too drunk to understand that his nimble hands were traveling up my shirt, sloppily tracing lines in my ribs and undersides of my s.

And I was like putty in his hands, never resisting, even though I knew I should shut close my lips. Even though I knew I should shove him off.

But, I let him grab me, kiss me, destroy me.

That's how it was like with the two of us.

In the cover of the night, in dark places, he would seek me out to mess with my feelings again and in the morning, he would tell me to forget it. He would be cruel, ruthless and heartless again.

It had all started way back when we were friends. The innocent times, when we could taste freedom and youth in our mouths, laughter constantly bubbling up in the air.

Even then, I lived and breathed him. He was the air in my lungs, the blood in my veins, my every thought.

I had never loved anything in my life more than I loved Kim Taehyung.

Then, I thought I had a chance of conquering his heart. I thought that maybe one day our comfortable friendship would spill into something more.

But, everything changed when high school rolled around. Or to be exact, when his mother had perished in a car accident on the way to my birthday party.

I did not know if it was because he thought it was my fault, or simply because he hated everything and everyone, but suddenly, I was pushed out of his life.

No longer wanted.

No longer anything.

Then, he began to hang out with the wrong crowd. He encountered BTS, our local kingka group, all of them devastatingly beautiful yet twice as dangerous.

They played with girls' hearts, broke them and ran off with no consequence. They destroyed lives of those who they 'did not like' by shunning, bullying and abuse. They forced everyone else to just revere in their presence, not allowing even a squeak of defiance in their direction.

I had been just a bleak face in the crowd. I could not and did not how to oppose their tyranny over our school. I had just faded in with the crowd. I did my work, I made friends and I went out enough as not to seem unusual.

But, at home, my composure crumbled. The situation between my parents had always been strained. But, lately, their shouts had gotten louder. The broken plates thrown on walls were more frequent now. And I could hear my mother's shrill voice screaming at my father again and again and again, " Could I have been so stupid as to sleep with you on that night, you absolute pig? If not for you, we wouldn't be stuck with Haeju, I wouldn't have to marry you and suffer through your ridiculous affairs!".

It was my mother's favorite thing to remind me that I was a mistake, a product of my parents' youthful lust.

The situation got worse and worse as Taehyung began to pay attention to me. Not in a way that was romantic, no never that.

He would come up to me, taunt me, scream at me, laugh at me and do everything just to make me feel like the world's most useless .

He was relentless. Cruel. Oh so so cruel.

But, never as cruel as the night he began to seek my comfort.

The first night was on a party that Minjee, our school's most popular girl, and Jungkook's booty call, had organized that everyone was invited to.

My friends dragged me there, forcing me into a ridiculous strapless black dress that was far too bold for my taste.

Maybe it had been the dress. Maybe it has been the alcohol that he drank excessively that night.

But, as I walked to the bathroom to get away from the stifling sounds of pumping music and sweaty bodies, I felt a hand pull me into a room.

Taehyung's hand.

At first, I felt nothing but absolute fear. Would he go far as to hit me? Would he taunt me again? What did I do wrong?

Instead, he did something that slipped the floor beneath my feet.

He kissed me.

He attacked my mouth with him, sloppily nibbling on my lower lip, urging me to give him entrance.

I was paralyzed, I barely registered that his hands were all over me now, hungrily grabbing at the satin fabric of the dress. As if he was a drowning man and I was the only thing keeping him afloat.

I couldn't resist. I opened my mouth and his tongue mangled with mine. His movements were getting more and needier as he attempted to take off my shirt and grabbed my .

I broke the kiss, looking at him with wide eyes.

" What are you doing, Taehyung?", I asked him warily, stepping away in order to relieve myself of his intoxicating presence.

I hated him, I reminded myself. I could have loved him, but my hate for him was stronger. I couldn't forget that, even though my body wished for me too.

He looked at with such a vulnerable expression that it nearly broke my heart.

His brown locks got in his eyes, but I could still see the sadness that pooled within them, like flickering lights.

" Why do you no longer call me Tae Tae?", he asked me, his voice shivering.

I softened.

'Tae Tae' was the nickname that only his closest family and friends used to him. It was endearing and gave his odd, rough personality something of an endearing quality.

But, I was no longer his close friend.

I've become his enemy.

" Because you no longer call me Haeju", I replied to him, my voice biting and hurt.

I was 'hey you', 'Nam Haeju', 'idiot', 'worthless ', but never Haeju. My name was like forbidden words on his lips. Since the death of his mother, I had never heard him use it.

He stilled, swallowing as his Adam's apple bobbed and looked away.

If I hadn't known him, I would say he looked ashamed.

Swallowing back my own fear, I made myself confront him.

" Why did you kiss me?", I asked him softly, even though I intended for my remark to be cutting.

He didn't respond for at least a few seconds, getting angrier with each second.

Then, suddenly, he kicked the cupboard next to me and swore as he walked out of the door.

For a second or two, I was frozen in one place, barely able to breathe, move, much less run.

But, as soon as my brain registered what just happened, I scrambled for an escape.

I ran down the stairs, pushing past drunk, giggling people, and couples that looked more like a blob rather than individual human beings.

Immediately, I ran outside, looking for a friend that would get me home. It only so happened that Jimin, one of the nicer ones in BTS, stood outside, a cigarette in his mouth.

After seeing my mangled appearance, his eyes widened and the cigarette fell from his lips.

" Haeju, what happened to you?", he asked me with concern.

I turned red after remembering Taehyung's fingers like burns everywhere on my body. I couldn't believe my first kiss had been at sixteen, at some party where my drunk bully attacked me with his lips.

Why didn't I feel angry about it anyway?

" I... I'm okay", I reassured him. " I just need a ride home. C-can you drop me off at my house, please?"

I was desperate to escape the party. To escape Taehyung and his languid gaze.

Jimin narrowed his eyes, yet he nodded after a few seconds of thought. He looked back at Minjee's house as if seeking out a person. Then, with muttering something resembling 'he's gonna kill me', he got me to his car and drove me home.

The entire ride was silent, yet he kept looking at me with a perplexed expression. At some point during the ride, his expression turned into a knowing one, which unsettled me a little.

As I got out of the car to go to my house, Jimin stopped me.

" You know", he said, seemingly struggling with words. " He doesn't mean the things he says. He's... trying."

I looked confusedly at him, trying to decode his words. Was he talking about Taehyung?

Why would he talk about Taehyung?

But, before any of my questions could be answered, the car's door shut before me and drove off.

That night had been odd, to say the least, I thought to myself as I walked into my house.

Throughout the entire night, I couldn't sleep. My thoughts were filled with images of Taehyung holding me, kissing me, me. It let forbidden and intoxicating at the same time.

I felt like my entire being was on fire. And I had to stop it. I had to stop this absolute nonsense.

After I recounted the entire story to my closest friends, Ahran and Hani, they had warned me to stay away from him.

They said he was dangerous, too unpredictable, too unstable.

" So, he just walks around makes fun of you, then attacks you when he gets drunk?" Hani asked you with annoyance as we sat down in her room for a sleepover. Her fathomless dark brown eyes widened a fraction as I told the story, yet her face remained the same. That's who Hani was, a sight for perfection to anyone but her close friends, who saw her inner turmoil.

I nodded, feeling embarrassed.

Hani shook her head, mumbling nonsense as she brushed her black as tar hair behind her shoulder.

Ahran, on the other hand, looked completely calm, yet far more fearful.

She had an air about her. That of great suffering, yet absolute wisdom.

Ahran had been at the receiving end of Yoongi's endless mind games for a year now.

I remembered a time when they loved each other. When they were happy and undisturbed, like yin and yang they completed each other.

All changed when he cheated on her. They became spiteful, using their love for each other as a weapon. They started a game of who could hurt the other the most.

Ahran began going on dates. Kissing strange guys. Sitting on their lap in front of Yoongi.

All to make him hurt.

But, Yoongi just beat those guys to a pulp until everyone was afraid to even gaze at Ahran. Then, he began dating Eunji, who was once our close friend.

Ahran broke.

She acknowledged losing the game and had retreated into herself. I could hear her crying in the bathroom stalls, I could hear her wailing and tearing at the seams.

So could Yoongi.

He stopped seeing Eunji yet he never made another move at Ahran. Too much damage had been done. He has destroyed enough.

If anyone knew more about heartache than me, it was Ahran.

"He wants you", she said simply, a knowing smirk on her lips. " He tries to deny it, but he can't escape it when he is drunk. He seeks you out of instinct"

I felt my jaw go slack.

Could it be true? Did he truly want me?

However, as soon I was about to ask a question, Ahran shook her head.

" His love is destructive, Haeju", she told me with big, sad eyes. " He is not right for you. Don't let him in. Push him out"

Hani nodded in agreement, looking at me pleadingly.

" You have to think clearly, Haeju-ah", Hani said. " He hurts you, that's not what love should be"

Ahran smiled at me with a ghost of a smile.

" Love shouldn't hurt like that", Ahran said, looking at me intently. "Never like that"