I was expecting everything.

I was ready to go to a crowded club to find Taehyung sprawled over armrests, a drink in hand. I expected to go to the bridge over River Han, calling out his name. I expected to barge into a room only to find him fighting with some girl's boyfriend.

What I didn't expect was to find Taehyung sitting on a bench facing an empty playground, his face so similar to the old friend I knew.

His friends had called me earlier and told me to come at this place and this time to talk to him three days after our talk, when I agreed to convince him to stop trying to kill himself.

So, I arrived at a small park not far from where I lived before middle school, the one that had red poppies blooming everywhere and smelled like fresh grass.

To think that Taehyung could be here was far from what I imagined and the picture didn't seem to fit in my head any way or the other.

That was until I saw him there.

Taehyung's face was bright and illuminated by the sun and he wore a serene expression as if remembering something of the past. He looked as if he was thinking, more a philosopher rather than a drunken bad boy that I knew from his bullying.

I took a look at the empty playground and I realized that it was that playground. The place where we met. Where I fell and he helped me up like some sort of hero from a story.

It made me want to smile and tear up at the same time. Could he remember what happened nearly ten ago?

Or was it simply a coincidence?

Not wanting to find the answers to either question, I just chose to gather all my courage in a fist and go for it.

" Taehyung", I called his name quietly, hoping he'd catch it.

He did.

As soon as he heard my voice, he jumped up, looking genuinely scared.

" Haeju", he responded softly, " What are you doing here?"

Something about his expression unsettled me. Some sort of disbelief, like I was a dream about to vanish and slip away any second.

Was he delusional? Or was it because he just couldn't believe that I was there?

" Your friends told me what you've been up to", I told him, sitting on the bench next to him, facing the old playground with a small smile, " I'm concerned, Taehyung. I know that much has passed since we were friends, but I don't want to see you diminish yourself. No matter how much pain you brought me"

He blinked at me, finally seeming to break away from his trance-like state of disbelief.

He sighed and folded his hands on his forehead, looking more fatigued than anything.

" Haeju...", he started out, looking me straight in the eye, " I am so sorry for everything. For every single thing, I did. I will forever live in regret over the sorrow I caused you"

I stood completely frozen as I watched him apologize. It was so honest. So raw.

So Taehyung.

Which surprised me, since I forgot what real Taehyung sounded like after such a long time.

And at that moment I knew that no matter how much he might have hurt me, I could never find it in me to not forgive him.

Because I loved him.

Irrevocably, utterly and completely. The 'I will forgive you for your worst sins' love. The 'I will stay up all night waiting for you' love. The love that lasts forever.

" But, I can't stop trying to catch this feeling or escaping it, at this point, I really don't know. And it's gotten worse now that I've...", he shook his head as if urging himself to stop, "I am a lost cause, Haeju. You should just give up on me and live a good life. I won't bother you anymore, I promise"

I felt my eyes go wide at his words, in disbelief that he could so simply toss himself out.

As if he was nothing to me.

As if he was nothing at all.

" I don't care if you used me to forget about things, Taehyung. I still want to help you", I told him earnestly, looking at him intently.

But, as I said those words, Taehyung jerked away from me as if he got burned. Then, with an expression of utter confusion, he shot up from the bench.

" You think that I... kissed you to forget my problems?", he shouted, looking like the Taehyung I've gotten used to. " That I used you?"

I backed away from him, feeling my heart quip in my chest, fear to eat away at me. Seeming to understand, Taehyung backed away too and kicked at the slide, cursing, and hissing.

Then, he turned towards me again, an exasperated and bitter look on his face.

" Haeju, I never kissed you because I wanted to use you. You... you are my biggest sin, my fatal flaw. And me kissing you was a demonstration of my weak mind", he confessed, a languid expression falling over him like shadows " I can't seem to escape you. All these things I did, all of them were attempts to forget about you, to stop myself from corrupting you"

I heard him say something similar to this when he was drunk, but hearing him say this sober sounding completely different. It sounded like the clearest and most obvious truth of all of them as if he was tearing his heart open and offering it to me.

Yet, I was still angry.

" Corrupt me?", I yelled, now standing up too, " How would you corrupt me if you had already done everything to hurt me, humiliate me and make my life a living hell?"

Taehyung, who was breathing heavily, stepped towards me now too, looming over me with his tall frame.

" I thought that if I made you hate me, then I could hate you too", he shouted back, shaking with a fervor, " Do you not see? Can you not see that I love you?"

At that, we both became still, digesting the words that he had just shouted.

His eyes went wide at the realization that he had confessed his feelings to me, just as mine did. Then I, barely able to hold myself together, sat down on the bench, looking away.

" How can you love me?", I asked him quietly, secretly praying he wouldn't hear.

He sat down next to me too and I felt his heavy stare on my back.

" How could I not?", he replied back, his voice so vulnerable and raw, " When eomma died, I didn't know what to do. I drove away all the people that loved me. My father, my younger siblings, you. I turned to alcohol and pleasures of the flesh, hoping to erase the feeling of grief. Yet, you... you wouldn't give up on me, no matter how many times I let you down. So, in attempts of chasing you away, I became even more terrible. I ordered people to bully you, I bullied you myself and I taunted you, hurt you. When my grief subsided, I still couldn't stop. I felt myself become a monster but I couldn't stop. It was who I was. But, I never stopped loving you. Not ever since we met on this playground and I saw your bloodied knees and wobbling lip. But, I had to restrain myself from loving you because being loved by a monster is so much worse than being hated by him. I can destroy you, Haeju. I will let you down and I when I do, I will never forgive myself"

He spilled his heart out to me and I watched him do so with tears in my eyes. So, all this time he was hurting me, all he did was try to protect me from his own love?

All because he hated who has become. Because he didn't think he was worthy of me.

More tears sprung to my eyes and I chocked back a sob as I clutched my stomach.

" Why have I never gotten a say in any of your mind workings? How can you know that loving me would hurt me without even asking me? How could let me hate you? How could you do that to me?", I shouted at him, feeling my throat go hoarse from absolute frustration.

I punched him in the chest, wanting to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Wanting him to feel the pain of having to suffer through his bullying of nearly two years.

He allowed me to continue my onslaught of punches, feeling like a deadweight bag beneath my blows.

Finally, not being able to take it, I stopped and put my head on his chest, now intensely sobbing.

Taehyung grabbed me by the shoulders and hugged me closer to his body, sniffing my hair and dampening it with his own tears.

" I love you", I whispered brokenly. "And I do not think I could stop loving you, so please stop hurting me and yourself. Just let yourself, love. Just let me love"

He broke away from me and looked me straight in the eyes with the most honest and clear expression that I've seen him wear.

" I will never hurt you again, Haeju", he promised me, seriousness etched on his face. " I don't think I could either"

With those words, he carefully leaned down to level with me and pressed his lips against mine in a chaste, innocent manner.

Yet, the kiss still left me breathless.