Author's Note: 

Nobu: Thank you so much for all the upvotes! It really means a lot to Silly and me since we've been working hard with this fanfic for a while. We would however, really appreciate if you could take a few moments out of your day to leave a comment if you enjoyed it. We're still not sure whether to continue this fanfic or not, so some genuine feedback would be much appreciated. BTW SM lol. The girls deserved better.

Silly: Thank you for the comments! Its really great to see people are enjoying it. Please continue to comment. We'd be really grateful! Nobu is always busy so we don't have many opportunities to write. If we see not many people care for the fic we probably won't continue it. 
 

CHAPTER 4 - COVER UP

“Not now Kim Taeyeon, but maybe someday we’ll be able to be happy too.”

Taeyeon stirred in her spot on the living room sofa as her eyelids began to flutter open, the dim lighting of the living room flooding her vision. She rubbed the sleep away from her eyes, wiping away at the little bits of crust that had formed during her sleep in the process.

She stared straight up at the barely lit ceiling, still dazed.

Just when she thought she had dreamt that dream for the last time...

Taeyeon abruptly shook her head, closed her eyes and pressed down on her eyelids with her fingertips.

“Bury those memories. Only relive them in song. Nothing more.” she thought to herself, chanting the words repeatedly like a spell.

She glanced cursorily around the cluttered room and sighed, disappointed at how she fell asleep after a measly glass of wine. That darn Yuri. Taeyeon was determined not to drink but she couldn’t refuse a glass of wine when it was literally being forced down . She rubbed at absentmindedly, remembering how she coughed some of the red alcohol back up as it trickled down uninvited, and attempted to go back to sleep.

Seconds turned into minutes as thoughts began to fill Taeyeon’s empty mind. She remembered the concert shirt in front of their building and then suddenly she was thinking of her again. Then thinking of her with him, and then back to when... when...

“I love you.”

Taeyeon buried her face into a cool cushion nearby, pressing her face deeper and deeper as if to push the images in her mind away. She attempted to lull herself to sleep again but it was useless. The dull ache in her heart that she thought she had gotten rid of was getting stronger again. The things she had done to fool herself into forgetting. The tears she had spilled to piece herself back together. After today all of that was beginning to become for naught. Baekhyun, the episodes of insomnia, the alcohol, the isolation... all of it.

Taeyeon began to sit up slowly, careful not to wake sunny who had her head on her lap and decided that a little fresh air would help her sleep better, help her clear her mind maybe. After successfully replacing her lap with a pillow under Sunny’s head, she fixed the girl’s hair by moving her fringe to the side. Sunny began to curl up into a ball and without missing a beat, Taeyeon decided to go into the girl’s room to pull off the baby blue comforter on the bed and drape it gently over her shivering friend. Taeyeon smiled gently as Sunny relaxed under the warmth of the blanket. Satisfied, she quietly left to go to the balcony.

Taeyeon pulled open the balcony doors slowly, the signature whoosh of the plastic sliding against metal signalling the kiss of the cool night air on her exposed legs. She leaned over the balcony, resting her elbows on the damp metal railings and looked over the sea of thousands of city lights that twinkled well into the distance, their light bleeding into the dark night sky.

From the corner of her eyes she spied the concert shirt she found on the ground earlier, hanging out to dry after a good wash. She rested her chin on her palm and looked into the distance.

“What could you possibly want now after pushing me away.”

——Flashback——

“Hyoyeon-ah, fix your fringe. It looks like your whole scalp will fly away.” Jessica neatly arranged the golden strands of hair, combing it to the side of Hyoyeon’s head. The girl she momentarily played hairdresser for was too distracted by Yuri’s antics to completely pay her any attention.

As Jessica finished fixing the girl’s hair, Hyoyeon guffawed at how Yuri’s hair had stuck to her nostril in the middle of her strange rendition of popping and locking. Before Jessica could get irritated at how Hyoyeon had ruined her work, the dancer put a hand on Jessica’s forearm while laughing at the strange dance move Yuri was showing her just then. Jessica turned to observe Yuri and the two instantly shared a hearty laugh, heads thrown back with their hands holding their stomachs.

Taeyeon observed the three, her eyes particularly attracted to the ice princess’ face. A sense of irritation quickly began to build within her.

It was almost two months since those three words slipped through Taeyeon’s lips and onto Jessica’s soft skin, soon hanging in the air before disappearing. The few kisses and meaningful looks the two shared previously were now scarce. Taeyeon considered it a special occasion if Jessica ever looked her way. However, it wasn’t the lack of affection that irritated Taeyeon the most, it was how despite having laid her heart out for Jessica she had yet to hear a response from the object of her affections. Taeyeon wouldn’t have felt so brave in the first place if she thought Jessica didn’t feel the same.

It was as if everything that happened between them was but a dream. How could Jessica act as if nothing happened, as if they didn’t share something special?

Taeyeon watched Hyoyeon closely, the dancer’s face as red as an apple and her hand gripping onto the ice princess’ shoulder for support, lest Yuri tickle her funny bone to the point of knocking her over. As Jessica placed a gentle hand across Hyoyeon’s back to rub it soothingly as she laughed, Taeyeon couldn’t bear to watch anymore and averted her gaze.

She knew that she was being unreasonable. Jessica didn’t owe her anything but seeing her act so carefree, so close with the other members while all she got were smiles for greetings, was beginning to annoy her to no end. The way Jessica acted as if she didn’t just confess her feelings watered Taeyeon’s growing insecurities.

As their manager ushered them into a line and onto the platform for the fansigning, all Taeyeon could think of was what exactly all those precious moments they shared meant to Jessica and what she thought of her during those moments.

“Do I mean nothing to you?”

With that thought tucked into the back of her mind, Taeyeon warmly greeted fan after fan, carrying conversations that genuinely distracted her from her current dilemma despite the physical embodiment of all of her problems choosing to sit right beside her. The fansign progressed with Taeyeon acting as an awkward pillar between Tiffany and Jessica. If Jessica would turn to her it would only be to talk to Tiffany on the other side. Taeyeon picked at her teeth with her tongue behind a tight smile. Why did Jessica need to sit here in the first place?

Hot. Then cold. Sometimes lukewarm. Jessica was as indecisive as the weather.

Taeyeon took in a sharp inhale of air, her frustration growing rapidly. The sudden action did not go unnoticed by Jessica, her eyes quickly surveying Taeyeon’s bright expression and noting how her smile didn’t reach her eyes. Jessica mustered a smile for the next fan, briefly peeking at Taeyeon once more. They continued on like that until the end of the fansigning, with not one word exchanged between them.

Once they were done bowing to bring the fansign to a close, Taeyeon got up abruptly. She moved ahead of the other girls to make her way towards the company van waiting for them in the parking lot, waving goodbye to the fans with a smile wide across her face. Once behind the curtains the corners of Taeyeon’s lips dropped instantly. Taeyeon sighed softly under her breath. The burden of keeping appearances in addition to the present burden of her troubles with Jessica weighed heavily on her.

“Taeyeon-ah, look at what this fan gave me.”

That voice. Taeyeon’s shoulder’s tensed and she briefly paused in place. Jessica? Speaking to her?

“Don’t talk to me if you’re just going to ignore me again.” Taeyeon thought bitterly.

Taeyeon quickened her steps but it was too late. Jessica had latched an arm around hers and like clockwork, Taeyeon turned her head to look at her. No matter how angry Taeyeon had been, old habits always prevailed.

And there Jessica was, a headband adorned with cat ears crowned across the top of her head like it belonged there. The sparkle in Jessica’s eyes and the sweet smile she beamed at Taeyeon took Taeyeon’s breath away.

Taeyeon’s heart swelled and throbbed, and throbbed, until it was near full to bursting. How dare that fan give Jessica something that would make her impossibly cuter than she already was.

“Doesn’t it look cute?”

Taeyeon’s heart burst. She forgot all about why she was angry at Jessica in the first place, even for a moment. Why was she so stubborn, why was she so... so... in love?

“You look really adorable.” The words slipped out of Taeyeon’s mouth without a second thought, leaving her lips curled into a bittersweet smile. Taeyeon could see the fresh shade of pink on Jessica’s cheeks surfacing and it made it hurt all the more.

The anger she thought had resided came back in fresh new waves. Just how much was Jessica going to twist her around her finger. One moment she didn’t care, then another she did. Which was it?

Before Jessica could say another word, she gently slipped her arm free and paced even faster towards the van.

“Taeyeon-ah wait—”

“You wanted to know if it's cute. It is. Is your ego satisfied now?” Taeyeon said flatly. Seeing Jessica’s expression drop, she felt regret, “I’m sorry.”

Slipping on a pair of earphones into each ear Taeyeon began to play with her phone to block out the world, and with it Jessica.

Taeyeon climbed into the seat furthest into the back, knowing that Jessica wouldn’t make the effort to climb past the seats further front to sit there. As the confused faces of her members’ flashed past her, she began to feel guilty. She didn’t mean to drag them into this inadvertently. However, the way her and Jessica’s situation was increasingly picking away at her last remaining bits of patience, made it harder and harder for her to mask herself. Deep down, Taeyeon knew she could just ask Jessica what she truly thinks of the idea of them being together, but the answer Jessica would give her as a result scared her more than anything else. So Taeyeon chose to stay angry. It didn’t help that Taeyeon was never one that was particularly skilled at expressing her thoughts and feelings.

Placing a neck pillow snug around behind her neck, Taeyeon adjusted the seats to lean back comfortably and closed her eyes, the gentle tunes flowing through her headphones lulling her to sleep. As the rest of the girls climbed into the van, Taeyeon shifted in her spot uncomfortably, the light shaking of the vehicle as the weight of bodies piled in disrupting her shut eye. Soon enough, the van was still and the engines rumbled to a start, and off they were back to the dorms. Taeyeon could now get the shut eye she deserved.

There was just one problem.

Taeyeon opened one eye and looked down at her shoulder, peeking at the sleeping ice princess. She wanted to gently wiggle out from under her, yet even the thought of doing anything like that made her feel guilty.

It seemed she would let herself be tugged along by Jessica a little bit longer.

************

"Taeyeon-ah whats wrong...”

It was well past midnight, the members had gone to bed and Tiffany was soon to come home from a recording. Here Jessica was planting soft kisses down the curve of Taeyeon’s neck, hoping to get an answer to a question she already knew the answer to.

The ice princess chose to hold a genuine conversation with Taeyeon for the first time in months just earlier that day, and now here she was touching her, kissing her, as if she didn't just ignore Taeyeon for weeks on end. Taeyeon laid there motionless, uncomfortable with what Jessica had been doing but at the same time not wanting Jessica to feel guilty should she reject her. It was a horrible situation to be in and all Taeyeon could do was blame herself for being so passive, for not being direct with Jessica despite how angry she had become. If she told anyone about this moment, Taeyeon thought they would surely laugh at her.

Taeyeon knew Jessica didn’t love her, or at the very least was convinced she didn’t. From Taeyeon’s perspective, all she was good for was to pass the time, to make Jessica feel special about herself, to make Jessica feel loved even if she couldn’t return any of it back.

As she watched Jessica’s fingers caress her thigh and kiss at her collarbone, she felt herself sinking deeper into a sadness she knew she wouldn’t be able to get out of for a long time.

Is this all I am to you? A toy to play with?

“Mmm...” Jessica mumbled against Taeyeon’s pulse point, her fingers slipping underneath the edge of her shirt. Where usually Taeyeon would be squirming underneath her touch, breathing heavy and ragged, skin covered with a thin sheet of sweat, she was now as rigid as a stone statue, unreactive and unresponsive, a stinging building up behind the corner of her eyes. Jessica's touch was acid.

Jessica paid this no attention and continued in hopes that Taeyeon would respond eventually. She ghosted her lips slowly back up Taeyeon’s neck and grazed her lips against the girl’s ear.

“Whats wrong? You seem...” Jessica whispered, fingers trailing farther up Taeyeon’s side than they ever had and stopped just below the shorter girl’s , “...Irritated.”

Taeyeon gritted her teeth together, gripping at Jessica’s shirt as the stinging behind her eyes subsided and the fluid began to build up. Taking both of Jessica’s shoulders, she firmly but carefully pushed the girl off of her, her fiery gaze directed away from her for fear that Jessica would see how close she was to crying and feel that she had done something wrong.

Jessica stared at her in confusion.

“C-Can we stop?” Taeyeon whispered weakly into the quiet room and even then Jessica had difficulty making out what it was that she said.

“I’m sorry.” Taeyeon said, her voice quivering. Jessica felt she should be the one apologizing.

“No, I’m sorry...” Jessica said softly, cupping Taeyeon’s cheek. She leaned in and kissed her gently.

Taeyeon, pushed her, harder now. Jessica landed bottom first on the opposite end of the bed.

Taeyeon turned away from Jessica and smiled sadly, not saying a word.

“I don’t understand Taeyeon-ah.”

With trembling lips, Taeyeon took in a sharp breath and breathed out slowly, “I... I love you.”

Jessica slowly looked away, unable to face Taeyeon. The sound of the air conditioner blasting through their condo unit filled the air.

Taeyeon gulped and looked at Jessica straight on, her wet eyes glistening in the darkness as the moonlight filtered into the room through the curtains. “I love you.” Taeyeon reiterated pleadingly once more, her voice cracking and but a whisper.

Jessica turned her body around and sat at the edge of the bed, her fingers gripping at the bedsheets.

Taeyeon felt her chest tighten, the sight of Jessica’s back towards her adding another stab to her heart. She inched slowly towards Jessica, her hand reaching out to rest on her back, “At least have the guts to say it to me Sica-yah.”

Silence.

Taeyeon rubbed the tears away hard and bit her bottom lip, nibbling at the flesh as if to keep her lips from opening and letting out what she was really thinking, but it was futile.

“You don’t love me do you?” Taeyeon said softly. Her hand slid down Jessica’s back weakly and back to her side, “I’m just some plaything to you is that it?”

Taeyeon’s words cut through Jessica’s heart. Jessica didn’t know her silence made Taeyeon think like this about herself. At least that's what she told herself to make her conscience feel at ease.

From the very beginning Jessica knew exactly how this would affect Taeyeon. She knew and carried on like she was clueless, caught between wanting to set Taeyeon free and keeping her all to herself. During the first few weeks it was hard to ignore Taeyeon and even as she got used to the lack of words between the two of them, she found herself paying even more attention to how Taeyeon would look at her. Today's fansigning was no exception. Jessica knew Taeyeon was upset and she knew why, and she knew what she had to say to make it all better, yet she couldn't. Overflowing with guilt, she tried to make it better. She tried to bring things back to the way they were before, like back after the fansigning and now in the dark, but it was not as easy as she pictured it.

Jessica couldn’t love Taeyeon and have the world too, or were those thoughts simply born out of her own cowardice? Here Taeyeon was, so willing to give Jessica every piece of her, every bit of her capacity to love and show her the utmost