yuputka -

(noun) (ulwa and originated from misumalpan)

– the phantom sensation of something crawling on your skin ; similar to goosebumps but used in more fear-invoking situations, rather than as a subconscious reaction 

 

 

 

 

 

i sat in my car while impatiently drumming my fingers against the steering wheel. 

i'd been waiting for an hour after receiving a text saying that someone would call me when an official statement was released. 

suddenly, my phone vibrated. 

i immediately picked up the phone call, "what are the results?"

"jung hoseok's death was declared suicide. you can discuss more details with the doctors in severance hospital at 50-1 sinchon-dong, seodaemun district."

 

i hung up and drove to the hospital, not caring if i was speeding. 

by the time i arrived, a couple of news reporters were already in front of the hospital and questioning a doctor. 

quietly slipping past the growing mob, i asked the receptionist for the room number.

she instantly recognized me and handed me a key with the number on it.

 

when i entered the room, a few of the other living idols were already there.

on the bed was a strange form covered by a blanket. 

i turned to jinyoung, "is that hoseok?"

he nodded, "they just brought him over from the lab,"

"and the room's already starting to smell," jungkook wrinkled his nose. 

 

"so why'd they declare his case as suicide so late?" i asked. 

jaebum answered, "by the time people found his body, it was already mostly decomposed so they mostly relied on the results from the rope. after they scanned the fingerprints on it and the results said it was hoseok himself, i guess they decided to call it suicide."

"we already tried asking the nurses and doctors for more info but they barely say anything," yugyeom added.

"ugh," i sank into a chair, "i was really hoping there would be real results."

 

"what do you mean?" jinyoung tilted his head. 

"well it just doesn't make sense," i waved my hand around, "i don't think he committed suicide."

jaebum shrugged, "there's hardly any evidence to use and we can't do much with it anyways."

"which is why we go find it ourselves!" yugyeom's eyes brightened.

jungkook choked back a laugh, "it's not that easy. it's been an entire year and do you know how hard it'll be to return to the island when it's been completely closed off?"

"i heard that they're even gonna drown the island in a few months," jinyoung said while staring out the window.

 

"by the way," i quickly glanced at the door, "are any other members coming?"

jungkook shook his head, "they're all still pretty scarred and are barely holding up."

"same here," jaebum replied, "every time i mention musicals they start screaming and crying."

 

a knock on the door interrupted our conversation. 

a nurse entered, "it's about time for us to take his body back to the lab for a final session. thank you for coming."

we bowed to her and stepped out of the room.

 

jinyoung sighed and put his hands on his hips, "now that i think about it, i have to agree that something feels off..."

"i don't understand why you guys are being so adamant. can't you just accept that hoseok killed himself?" jaebums suddenly crossed his arms.

"sorry," i apologized, trying to stop an argument from brewing, "it's just a weird premonition."

 

while driving home i texted sohyun, an old friend of mine ; 

jamie : wanna hangout at my apartment?

sohyun : sure! i'll be there in 15.

 

a quarter of an hour later, my doorbell rang and i stood up to open the door. 

i was surprised to see sohyun alongside jaebum and jinyoung.

while they entered i said to the younger girl, "i didn't realize you planned on bringing them along."

"no," sohyun shook her head, "when i arrived in front of the complex i noticed them and realized we were both heading to your apartment."

she rubbed the back of her neck, "actually i've never met them before but i knew they were in the same company as you."

 

"oh, then let me properly introduce you guys," i smiled.

i gestured at sohyun, "this is my friend kim sohyun and she's an upcoming actress. i met her through my small group of english-speaking friends as she was born in australia."

then i pointed at the got7 members, "this is jaebum and jinyoung from got7. like you said, we're both in jype."

they awkwardly shook hands with each other, causing me to giggle.

 

"anyways," i walked to my kitchen, "do you guys want something to drink?"

sohyun thought for a moment before saying, "some coffee's good."

i turned to the duo, "and you guys?"

"no, we're fine. we're just here to ask you something." jaebum said. 

"well, go ahead," i replied while preparing two cups of coffee.

 

jinyoung turned to sohyun, "sorry, but can we discuss this privately?"

"oh sure," she seemed slightly shocked but still went into my bedroom. 

immediately they stepped closer and jinyoung whispered, "yugyeom told us that he recently managed to convince jin to ask his dad for private access to hoseok's case."

jaebum added, "now he's trying to gather people to help research more deeper."

 

"i'm here to warn you before he asks you too," jaebum stared at me. 

jinyoung put his hand on his hip, "and i'm here to convince you to join us."

i put my hands on their foreheads, "are you guys okay? you two rarely disagree."

"this time we're on opposing sides and both stubborn about it," jinyoung proudly stated. 

i sighed and plastered on a smile, "i'm just tired. sorry, but can you please not drag me into anything. it's hard handling everything as it is."

 

jaebum immediately stepped back and pushed jinyoung back while muttering, "what did i tell you."

they both lightly bowed and exited my apartment quietly.

"yah," i yelled to sohyun, "you can come out now."

soon after she opened the door and grabbed a mug filled with coffee, "thanks."

 

"so what was that all about?" sohyun asked as she sat on the sofa.

i waved my hand, "nothing important."

"really? you suddenly look really down," she stared at me.

i the tv, "nah, i'm fine. but, i wanna watch a horror movie, how about you?"

 

about two hours later, the credits to the movie began rolling. 

"god," sohyun sighed, "i'm awful with scary films."

i removed her hand clutching onto my arm, "you're always watching them with me, so i thought you'd be used to them by now. will you be able to sleep tonight?"

"if i drink, maybe," she grinned.

i lightly slapped her shoulder, "what are you talking about? you're still underage."

she smirked and stood up to stretch.

 

sohyun picked up her phone and purse, "we should hang out more often."

"call unnie if you ever have problems," i smiled while opening the door for her.

i watched as the female walked away to a nearby bus stop before reentering my apartment. 

 

while walking back into the kitchen, i noticed a picture frame with a note attached set on the counter.

after reading the small note, my eyes suddenly began to water.

"it's about time i visit her," i whispered to myself.

full tears streamed down my face and dripped onto the frame.

this melancholy feeling felt alien to me. 

after shutting down the emotional side of me for a year, i'd nearly forgotten what saline droplets on my cheeks had felt like.

 

but it was somewhat refreshing to let everything loose.

i returned to my car once again, and headed to a small, private columbarium in the outskirts of seoul. 

i stood in front of a niche with a urn and a photo of baek yerin. 

in my hand i held a flower i had bought on my way there and setted it next to her urn. 

while kneeling, i pressed my hands together and prayed.

 

"what a coincidence," a voice spoke behind me. 

i turned around to confirm it was who i thought it was.

 "how've you been?" i asked. 

wearing his bare face, jackson revealed his dark circles from nightmares and sleepless nights. 

small pimples decorated his face from stress and lack of care. 

and his clothes were quite wrinkled and stained. 

 

"we both know i'd be lying if i said that i'm fine," he weakly tried to joke.

he moved next to me, in front of bambam's niche beside yerin's.

while sitting on the floor, he took out a packaged meal from the convenience store.

 

my fragile heart still wanted to protect the other broken members. 

"hey," i rested my hand on his knee, "you're doing well."

he tilted his head after slurping noodles, "how so?" 

"if you ask me, not committing suicide by now is great progress. you'll never get rid of the thoughts but it's a different story when you try to put it to action." i gently smiled. 

the corners of his lips ever so slightly lifted up, something i hadn't seen him do in so long. 

 

he changed the topic, "i heard the investigators decided hoseok's case was suicide."

"yeah, but something feels off," i sighed and rested my chin on my palm. 

he looked slightly shocked, "really? for some reason i felt as if calling it suicide was weird too."

i stared at the ground, "the thing is i have no idea who else could've killed him. and it seems a lot of the other guys are having this suspicion too."

 

"i think we're just being paranoid," jackson began stabbing his food with his chopsticks, "i definitely trust scientists more than i trust myself."

my expression softened, "i can tell you're trying hard - with everything. was this conversation a little too much?"

he suddenly stood up and left the building without a response. 

 

i buried my face into my hands.

these days our conversations just ended like that. 

after one remark that bothered him a little bit, jackson would stop talking. 

i knew it wasn't his fault and didn't blame him but it was tiring. 

 

after all, seeing your friends die all around you would take a lifetime to heal from.

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

 

i decided not to include any sort of recap, so you may have to refresh your memory

sorry if you expected some action immediately but it'll be coming in the next chapter.

feel free to comment thoughts, theories, criticisms, etc.