The weather was even colder than it was the last time I came here; it wasn’t my home but I couldn’t help but feel like it was. Sighing, I fixed my face masks and hat before glancing at Hyung as he had lovesick eyes. He must really be missing Doojoon. Taking his hand in my own, I walked us out of the airport making sure to keep a low profile as no one knew that we were here besides the company, but even then I asked them to keep it a secret. Fans of other groups were all over the place as they waited for their idols to walk through those doors which made my heart beat harder than it ever had before as I really didn’t want to be found out.

“Let’s find a cab, Hyung.” He nodded as we crossed the crosswalk heading to where the cabs are usually waiting. “Did we come a little too light?”

“Are you planning on coming back?” I wanted to say yes, but I couldn’t be sure until I talked with him, so I just shrugged. “Do you think this’ll work?”

“We won’t know unless we try. I tried to give him time to cool down and in the end it just blew up in my face; I’m not leaving until I hear his true feelings.” Hauling a cab, we got in asking them to take us to Doojoon’s place seeing as how Hyung and him moved in together.

The whole ride there, I kept playing with my backpack twisting it in between my fingers as I was becoming nervous. He had a show today and I was going to surprise him seeing as how it usually takes all day with all the singers that are on the show, so this is now or never. Humming, to calm myself down, we had arrived faster than I thought and as we made our way up to the apartment my hands started to sweat. ‘I’m doing this out of the selfishness of our relationship because I wasn’t to be with him and he wants to be with me.’, I kept repeating that to myself hoping that it would make me feel better but I don’t even know what I feel anymore. Entering, I went into the bathroom showering and changing as I wanted to look good for him; I needed to win his heart once more.

Doing my hair, I put a hat on not wanting to be recognized until he does it with his own two eyes, which would probably be after he hears my voice. I had talked with Doojoon and the show telling them that I wanted to surprise him and not to say anything about it to him or the rest of the cast. I wanted to see the tears in his eyes as he pulls me in for a hug that I more than likely do not deserve; I broke his heart and just left not giving him the explanation that he truly needed. Sighing, I left the bathroom to see that Hyung was already dressed and waiting as he was clutching his phone to his chest and all I could do was nod. Dialing the number, it rang for a while before Doojoon’s voice filled the whole room – my heart momentarily stopped as I heard the familiar laughter in the background.

“Hey, is it go time?” Covering my mouth to stop my voice from making its way to the other end of the line, I took to crying on the inside.

“Yeah, he goes on in 30 minutes, so rush over here.” He was whispering now, and as they were now being mushy with one another, I put on my shoes heading out the door.

Going down to the parking garage, I saw Hyung’s car as it was covered in a thick layer of dust showing that it hasn’t been used in a long time. Getting in, he started it causing it to roar to life which calmed my frantically beating heart down as I was one step closer at getting back to him. Pulling out my phone, I read the many comments that my fans had sent to me as they were speaking bad on him, and it was only because he was photographed getting help from some rookie. It was the same way how we met and I was crazy enough to confess my feeling to him out in the open like that. No one saw it coming, not even myself, but as I now sit here in a daze remembering all the good times I had with him I wished I didn’t run away like how I did. We had both given up after doing nothing and it just doesn’t sit with me – it just isn’t right.

Arriving at KBS, I covered my face from the many cameras that were waiting on the idols that would be coming for another show. Making my way in quietly, I showed the guard my ticket to the show coming up with some bull excuse about my flight being delayed and after being allowed to enter I grabbed Hyung dragging him into the studio with me. The seats were full besides the ones at the very top, so standing against the wall I watched as the person who was going before him finished up as they were about to do the whole point thing.

“Head back stage if you’re going to do this, we don’t have enough time.” Nodding, I swallowed the lump in my throat before heading back out as I made my way past the staff that was running around. “Jackson?”

“Yeah, Hyung?” Stopping, I turned to look at him to see that his face was filled with concerned.

“Are you sure that this is the right way to go about it? How about talking to him after?” Shaking my head, I knew that he wouldn’t talk to me, he didn’t even answer my text messages.

“Hyung, go find Doojoon and block his exit. This is the only way he’ll talk to me and I don’t care if I embarrass myself and leave here more heartbroken then when I came. I love him, and I need him to understand that.” Desperation was now settling in as I heard them announcing that he was up next causing me to take off down the hall.

Turning the corner, I was frozen as he turned it but he didn’t even notice me as he was busy talking with the camera man and staff that was showing him to the stage. Pulling down the hat more, I hide my face leaning against the wall just in case the camera caught me as they walked past.

“How are you feeling right now?” The staff asked causing him to let out this nervous laughter that I found cute.

“I’m a little nervous, it’s been a while since I’ve been on the show; also, I’m in the middle of promotions, so I have to do better than I’ve ever done. It’s a lot of pressure really.” They walked straight past me not even giving me as much as a glance and I don’t know why that hurt so much.

Once they were gone, I snuck my way to the producer who seemed to be waiting on me. Bowing to him, he had a huge smile on his face but I just couldn’t return it, not until this is all over. Waving over one of the technicians, I got hooked up with a mic and as he placed it in my hand I felt as if I was going to faint. A hand came down on my shoulder rubbing and patting it in comfort causing me to turn as I saw Doojoon and Hyung as they were holding hands tightly.

“You got this, Jackson. Fighting!” It was whispered as to not go over power the silence that was in the area where we stood.

He introduced him and the song that he was singing and as the music came in it sounded even sadder than it normally did. Stepping over to the side, I waited by the stairs bowing to the person who had won the last round as they looked confused as it didn’t say that he had a special weapon or duet. Pulling my hat up more, I revealed my face for the first time since I entered ignoring the gasp that seemed louder than my heart as it was beating rather hard. I was anxious, and he was singing beautifully.

No matter how long you wait, I can’t be your crying fool.

Why can’t you see that I only hurt you? Stop waiting and just leave.

I miss you, I miss you

I miss you so much that I hate myself

I want to cry down on my knees, if only this can be something that never happened

The memories of us crazy in love, those memories are searching for you

No longer in the excuse of love, can I lock you away.

He finished the first verse and chorus with so much ease that my heart had begun to ache at the emotions he was pouring into the room. He probably didn’t even know what he was doing. my lips, I brought the mic to my lips as I slowly made my way up the stage, my eyes only on him.

I know I shouldn’t be like this, but I miss you like crazy.

The whispers had started up as my voice was deeper, huskier, and steadier than I had imagine it would be; and as I allowed myself to come into the view of the stage, his mouth hung agape. Pulling the mic from my lips, I smiled at him trying to ignore the tears that ran down my face as they were a mixture of sadness and pure happiness. Only the instruments played leaving us to stare at one another as I brought the mic back to my lips continuing my walk towards him.

I miss you, I miss you

I miss you so much that I hate myself

I want to believe that this is the right path, that for you I have to leave.

I couldn’t hit the ending note as it was too high causing him to do it for me instead and as I now stood right in front of him the audience didn’t even matter anymore, neither did the show. I was captivated by his new look that I’ve only seen in the MV that I watched continuously as he spoke to me through a song basically saying his goodbyes. I brought two copies of his album and I listened to every last song to prepare me for this moment – I wasn’t going to let him slip away that easy.

The memories of us crazy in love, those memories are searching for you

No longer in the excuse of love, can I lock you away.

Finishing off the verse, I noticed the tears in eyes which made me ball my hand into a fist as I wanted to wipe them away. I didn’t want to see him cry sad tears anymore; I only want him to shed tears of joy. The backup singers re-sung the chorus causing him to his lips as I was staring at him way too intensely, even I thought it was crazy for a minute. How can I be so in love with someone who probably never wants to see me again? How can I make him love me again?

I know I shouldn’t be this way, but I miss you like crazy.

I want to forget you like crazy

We sung the last line together, but my voice faded off as his tears came down even faster and though I shouldn’t have I took his hand into my own. Squeezing it, I couldn’t believe that the appendage was in my reach once again. The music ended and it was now only us as we stood on the stage just staring at one another. The audience that was long forgotten had erupted into loud cheering causing me to turn and face them, and in that moment he had broken my grip running down the stage. Following after him, I couldn’t believe how fast he was but even then I wasn’t going to give up.

“Eun? Wait…can you please stop and listen to me?!” We were in the stairwell as I knew he was heading up to the roof.

“W-Why did you do that? Right when I was starting to get over you, and h-here you are.” Flopping down on the steps he was on, he placed his face in his hands causing me to take the few extra steps up until I was right in front of him.

“I don’t want you to get over me. You can’t get over me, not yet.” Taking his wrist in my hands, I pulled them away from the face I’ve been seeing in my dreams for the last few months.

“Why can’t I? Who are you to tell me what to do, Jackson?” The tears that I’ve been holding back for the last six minutes had fell as he looked so crushed. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to tell me that we aren’t over; I want you to cling to me saying that you miss me; I want you to hit me while telling about how much of an idiot I am; I want you to love me and me only.” My voice shook and if it wasn’t for the fact that his tough guy act was cracking I would have started sobbing. “I love you, Eunkwang and I honestly don’t have a damn about what anyone else has to say. Not my fans, your fans, our companies, or our friends, do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Why did you let me push you away, idiot? Why didn’t you come back and tell me that I was being stupid for not letting you explain, idiot? Why did you say you were okay when I clearly wasn’t, idiot? Why didn’t you come back sooner, idiot?” His hands were light and soft as he weakly punched me in my chest which had me smiling as I couldn’t help it. “Why did I have to fall in love with an idiot like you?”

Grabbing his face in my hands, I tilted it back so that we were looking at one another and seeing as how I had no reason to hold back I captured the lips that only belonged to me. The hands that had stopped hitting me had a tight grip on my jacket as he pulled me in even closer. We were both desperate for one another and as we kissed I felt the worry and longing that had plagued me with writer’s block leaving me. The memories of his face as he smiled while nodding along to my music, and how he would sit on my lap without hesitation as he praised me telling me how much better I had gotten. The memories of him congratulating me when I had told him about me signing and promoting in China had hit me even harder. Not to mention the things he told me in secret that had never made it into the paper that seemed to ruined us, but in the end, we had come back together stronger than I ever thought we would. Pulling away, I tried to catch my breath even though I didn’t want to back away; I would rather suffocate to death while kissing him than be away from him again.

“I love you, Jackson. I’ve been in love with you all this time, and it is only now that I realize that denying it was harder than telling the truth. I loved you with all of me from the beginning and I’m still deeply in love right at this moment.” Hugging him, I took in his scent that I longed for causing it calm my frantically beating heart.

“It seems that I’m not the only idiot in this relationship.” Laughing, slapped my back only for me to hug him tighter.

“Now this is what I call a winner’s encore.” We both jumped turning around to see our Hyungs as they stood next to a camera and a staff member.

Looking down on him, his face was bright red causing me to sway us as this was indeed a winner’s encore. Breaking away, we both wiped our faces with laughter as his makeup was destroyed and all over my shirt which I didn’t mind. Sitting on the steps next to him, I told him to go accept his trophy and he seemed a little skeptical causing me to reassure him that I wasn’t going to disappear. Once he was gone, Doojoon went with him leaving only Hyung and I as it was now his turn to hug me and pat my back.

“You’re smarter than you look, kid, but next time let’s not put our jobs on the line, okay?” Offering me his hand, I was pulled up until I was standing causing me to bump him with my shoulder.

“You should be thanking me, old man. How else where you going to see the love of your life?” Scoffing, we walked down the stairs together making our way to his dressing room.

“Ugh, you talk just like Eunkwang. Do you know how many times Doojoon has told me that that was my new nickname from Eunkwang?” He was being over dramatic causing the already big smile to get even wider as I truly missed this.

“How about we go on a trip once the weather becomes warm? It can be a couples’ trip; let’s see if Changsub and Hyunsik can go as well.” Walking a head of him, I ended up in front of his dressing room before I could even think about it. “How about Hong Kong? I’ll introduce him to my parents.”

“You act like you’re getting married or something?” Gasping, I had totally forgot about the promise that I had made to him all that time ago. “Don’t tell me – ugh, King J!”

“Do you want to see who can get married first?” Throwing the door opened, I scooped the other into my arms spinning him around before kissing his check.

“Jackson, I think it’s best if you take some time to really think it over before making a huge decision like that. What is the company and your fans going to think?” Shrugging, I sat down not really caring; I was only going to focus on us and my music from now on.

“’em.” He started screaming causing Doojoon to grab him trying to calm him down. “Don’t get worked up over nothing Hyung, I’ll take care of everything, okay?”

We had left some time after, holding hands all the way out causing the cameras and fans outside to be confused, but I didn’t care anymore. Getting into his van, I slammed the door closed behind us pushing him onto the backseat tangling myself in with him as I’ve been wanting to do this for so long. He was laughing as he kept saying that I was tickling him, my beard is starting to come in. Stopping once he was out of breath, I laid my head down on his chest just listening to his heartbeat as it matched my own.

“If I said that I wanted to marry you, then what would you say?” All the excitement from earlier had left me as I was actually nervous for his answer.

“I think I’d say yes, but only if you hear me out really quick.” Nodding, I waited for him to speak only for his hands to knock my hat off as he began to play in my hair. “I know you didn’t say anything about what I told you.”

“Huh?” Raising my head, I stared at him in disbelief because I’ve been eating myself alive at the thought that I had gotten too drunk and spilled the beans.

“You said that you were going to listen, remember?” Clamping my mouth shut, I laid my head back down as I did agree to listen. “It was my old manager. He hated the fact that I was happy while he was miserable, so he sent it in saying that it was from you, and how I know this is because he called me about a month ago admitting to it. I wanted to call and apologize but you were going through a lot all ready with all those negative things being said about you that I thought it was best if I had just forgot everything. I’m sorry for not contacting you and telling you.”

“I understand, now will you marry me?” His laughter was like music to my ears and I couldn’t believe that he was mine once more.

The end of summer and fall was rough for us, but in the end it seems that we were meant to be in the winter. A winter ballad isn’t complete without at least one happy line that shows hope that they’ll get back together if time permits it. And luckily, I was able to write in those last few notes.

~~~

I Miss You by Kim Bum Soo – Eunkwang Cover (x)