It was hot and the A/C just had to break leaving me to sweat as if I was just sitting under the sun. Grabbing my stuff, I texted Hyung to pick me up before heading out the door as I needed to get out of here or else I was going to melt. The hallway was way cooler than my place making my sigh in relief as I waited on the elevator. I swear this was the hottest summer to date, and the fact that nothing was working in my home wasn’t helping. Stepping onto the elevator, I rode in silence going over what I was going to say to the landlord because I’ve complained about it twice in the span of a week. This’ll be the third time. Walking with fast strides, trying to catch some type of breeze, I busted into the landlord’s office as he was sitting there with a fan and the A/C fully blasting.

“Wow, so while I’m melting away you’re sitting here enjoying the luxury of a cold room. I’ve told you twice that my A/C was broken and you haven’t done anything to fix it. I don’t pay rent to be ignored.” I was furious but all he did was stand as he nodded making it seem as if he was listening.

“I hear you loud and clear, Mr. Seo, and I have put in a request with maintenance. They’ll be up tomorrow to fix your unit, okay?” Taking a deep breath, I stared at him for a while before storming out as I couldn’t wait anymore.

Hyung met me by the front door as he seemed confused about my sudden call, but I could always explain later. Asking him if his A/C was working, he nodded so without missing a beat I told him to take me to his place. I knew he was going to object but I was already making my way out the door which meant that I was going to ignore his words. The ride was a pleasant one, well for me it was as all I could think about was cool air, but Hyung had this look of distaste which meant that Junhyung Hyung was over and I was probably interrupting. But did I care? No, I didn’t.

Arriving, I ran as fast as I could glad that I knew the code. My fingers moved quick as he was right behind me but sadly I would always be a few steps ahead of him. Making it to his door, I pressed in the code and as the door opened I was hit with the coldest air I have ever felt; it was amazing. Throwing myself inside, I removes my shoes before flopping onto the couch as I was glad that it was leather.

“What’s going on?” Sighing, I snuggled into the couch as I wondered if it would be better for me to strip.

“His A/C has been broken for a week and he has finally reached his limit.” Giving a thumbs up to the answer, I was interrupted by my phone ringing; it rings a lot nowadays.

“Hello?” There was a small pause before I was introduced to a serious voice.

“Good morning, is this Seo Eunkwang’s phone?” Telling the person that it was I, they began to talk faster. “Great. This is Busan Memorial Hospital; we were calling to inform you that your mother has been hospitalized. We were wondering if you would be able to come over?”

Sitting up, quickly, my mouth had gone dry as this was nothing more than Deja-vu. Agreeing to be there in an hour or so, I hung up only to stand as I told Hyung that we had to go to the Hospital. I couldn’t answer any of his questions as I had no answers to them. We rushed over there as we were basically speeding and the moment we arrived I didn’t even let the car fully stop before hoping out. Running was all I could do as it seemed to be the only way to stop the tears from falling. Dogging others, I made my way up to the front desk as I asked for my mother only to be told that she was in a room on the third floor. Hyung has to catch me as millions of thoughts were running through my mind, and the fact that no one was telling me what was wrong was making it even worse. Taking a deep breath, I removed Hyung’s hands before making my way towards the elevator. The wait wasn’t long but the anticipation was because no matter how fast the elevator went it seemed to be taking forever. Stepping onto the cold floor, I suddenly didn’t want to be surrounded by cold air as I missed the heat of my apartment. My hands were sweating like crazy as I walked slowly towards her room that was for some reason at the end of the hall. Turning the small corner, I was suddenly met with the sight of Ilhoon and Taekwoon as they both didn’t even are to look at one another.

“W-What’s wrong with her?” They both jumped at the sound of my voice causing them to both stand.

“The Doctor is inside. Why don’t you go ask her?” Rolling my eyes, I swear he was still the biggest ever.

Throwing open the door, it slides hitting the wall as the handle slipped out of my sweat covered palm causing the sound to be even louder than intended. That woman who I almost fell out over was smiling and acting as if nothing was wrong causing my face to fall. ‘I’ve been tricked’, that was the only thought ringing through my head.

“W-What the heck is this?! I thought you were dying or something and here you are laughing it up with the doctor!” I was screaming before I knew it as it forced me to walk closer as I stopped a few steps away from the bed.

“Oh my, you must be Mr. Seo, right?” Glaring at this lady, she did the neck cracking thing before clearing . “Well we called to tell you that your mother, Mrs. Jung, has fainted from exhaustion. But that isn’t all, it seems that her appendix has burst meaning that she’ll be getting surgery in a few days’ time.”

“Exhaustion? I rushed all the way from Seoul to hear about exhaustion and an appendix? You could have told me this over the phone!” Grinding my teeth, I was trying to hold in my anger because this was just cruel.

“I-I wanted to see you, so I told them to call you. Don’t be mad, okay?” Taking in a huge gulp of air, I slowly released it as they were really taking my heart as a joke.

“Don’t be mad? Are you forgetting that I got a similar phone call when Appa died?! They wouldn’t tell me anything besides that bull about him being hospitalized! I thought you had died as well, and on the way here I was praying for forgiveness and I wanted you to be saved from whatever karma had struck you.” Wiping away the few stray tears that rolled ever so softly down my face, I began to laugh as this was crazy. “Don’t call me ever again unless you are on your deathbed, okay?”

Turning, I began making my way out of the room only to be blocked by the two idiots.

“Also, start figuring out on your own and stop airing it out to the public or me. I don’t give a damn if you divorce or get back together; I could care less, honestly. But let me tell you something, you two have no sense of communication, especially you, Taekwoon, that’s the reason nothing ever works out in relationships for you.” Pushing past them, I took the stairs as I just wanted to be away from them and just this place in general.

Getting into the car, I sat without saying a word wishing that the roof would just collapse on me so that I won’t have to suffer this constant feeling of dread anymore. I need a drink. I promised not to anymore but some promises are meant to be broken. Pulling out my phone, I searched for a private lounge bar as I wasn’t in the mood to be bothered with paparazzi and fans, actually just people in general. Finding one that wasn’t far, I got out as I knew that it was better for me to walk seeing as how Hyung wouldn’t allow me to go anywhere where there is liquor, well besides beer but I can’t get drunk off of that.

Entering the lounge, I greeted the bartender before making my way towards an empty table in the back that was hidden from view of anyone else. Sighing, I leaned back into the couch before snatching the menu out of its holder. Scanning over the many different types of liquor I picked the one that I used to be most familiar with, and as I told the bartender what I wanted I had to hold back the urge to gag. This liquor came with a lot of bad memories but at least it did its job, while the taste was alright, but after a few drinks the taste didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t take long before a bottle and a small glass filled with ice was sat down in front of me as he told me to enjoy. Yeah, I’ll enjoy it alright. Pouring a small amount at first, I got myself used to the once familiar taste as it burned my throat causing me to choke a little before I filled the glass halfway. I gulped down half a glass after half a glass over and over until I could barely remember what I was wearing. Wait, what was I wearing? Looking down, I began to laugh as I couldn’t see my shirt as it seemed stuck to my stomach.

“Sir, would you like me to call someone to come and pick you up?” Shaking my head, I waved the person off as I asked for another bottle seeing as how I emptied the first one.

The person left and it didn’t take long before they were back with another bottle causing me to smile in thanks as they seemed to be the only person listening to me. My phone began to ring but I couldn’t find it so instead the person answered it speaking in gibberish, well that was what it sounded like to me. Chuckling, I opened the bottle taking a quick gulp straight from the bottle as it was still good. I was soon left alone once more as my concentration was only focused on the bottle and drowning away my problems that seemed to only make sense to me. Why wasn’t anybody listening to me?! I wanted to flip the table but I remembered that this wasn’t my place; plus, the table was screwed into the floor, so it wasn’t going anywhere. Sighing once more, I let my head fall forward as I stared into the bottle wishing to hold back my tears but even the person who answer wishes wasn’t listening. My breathing began to shorten as I choked back on my sobs trying not to be loud as I didn’t want to be that person. Covering my face with my free hand, I brought the bottle closer taking a huge gulp but it seemed to only force the tears out even more.

“Eun? EUN?!” Opening my eyes, which I didn’t even know I closed, I blinked a few times trying to figure out who was shaking me but it took a while as I could only see whatever was lower than my nose. “Are you okay?”

“W-Who are- Jckson?” Smiling, I began to laugh again as I noticed that he had changed his hair; must be for a new video or something. “Aw, if it isn’t my baby~! Kiss?”

Poking out my lips, I waited for my normal kiss but instead he slapped my lips before coming to take a seat next to me. Holding them, I glared at him but he sighed causing me to over him a cup only to have it be declined. Well, more for me then. Grabbing the bottle by its next, I threw it back causing my mouth to fill with the liquid until it was spilling from the corners of my mouth. Swallowing, I had to close my eyes as it seemed to burn way more than it did earlier, it must be an older bottle.

“Eun, what is this?” Shaking the bottle, I stopped so that he could read the label, or was it the back of the bottle, whatever.

“Liqour~! Liquor? Liqqqor? Good stuff, it’s good stuff.” my lips, I turned away from him as the bottle was starting to become empty. “Can I get another-.”

“No, don’t bring him anything else.” I was cut off as he placed a hand over my mouth to stop my re-order. “Maybe some water, please and thank you.”

“Y-Y-You know, water doesn’t always work for everything, Jack Jack.” I couldn’t stop myself from repeating the new nickname over and over again as it was fun to say.

“I know, but it’s the best I can do until I get you home.” Pouting, I furrowed my brows because he was starting to treat me as if I was a child.

“Who said I wanted to go home?! I’m going to stay out all night, and there is nothing you can do about it!” Standing, I hit my thigh on the table causing me to quickly sit down as I rubbed it with a frown.

“Fine, you can come to my place but no more drinking. I don’t need you all over the tabloids being labeled as a drunk.” Rolling my eyes, I sat back as he had a point but then again what can a drunk me do… nothing, exactly. “Drink your water and let’s go.”

Snatching the cold glass, I gulped it down as it caused my head to hurt but that was something I could worry about later, wait could I? My wrist was grabbed as he pulled me out of the booth and towards the front door but not before taking my wallet as he paid for the two bottles I managed to down in a little over 2 hours. That’s a new record. Stepping outside, with difficulties, I noticed that the sun was almost completely gone causing me to sigh. Smacking my lips, I heard my stomach grumble but the sound seemed to be coming from Jackson as he continued walking not caring about the fact that I was tripping over myself.

“Can you walk straight?!” Flinching, I tried not to shake as a past memory flashed before it disappeared leaving the face I despised to slowly fade away as it revealed Jackson’s. “Sorry, I had a bad day and – and… never mind let’s just get to my place, okay?”

“No, I-I’m just going to go home.” Trying to take my wrist back, he only held on tighter before pulling me forward so that we were almost touching. “Please, I’ll sober up on my own!”

“No, I can’t leave you alone, not right now.” He was quick to pick me up and out of instinct I wrapped my legs around his waist.

“Jackson, put me down, or else.” I gave me this look as I knew I wouldn’t scream but he might get hit a few times.

He waited a few seconds until he was sitting me down but before I could walk off he was hiking me up on his back. This reminded me so much of when he piggybacked me from the food tent to his place, even though I wasn’t drunk at all. Taking a deep breath, I sniffled as I held on tight letting him do what he wanted as he at least listened when I said something. Well, most of the time. Leaning my head on the back of his, my throat began to close up as I knew that I was going to start crying and the fact that I couldn’t stop it made me feel weak for some reason.

“I love you.” He stopped walking at the words of my whisper but I didn’t care to look up as he began to walk faster than before.

The sounds of screams filled my ears as this was exact same but instead of giving them his time he gave a small greeting before running off as he didn’t give them time to catch up. This was the fastest I have ever seen him and it scared me a little as I could only hold on tighter as to not fall. Running past a group of fans once more, he threw open a pair of doors finally stopping as he was out of breath. Don’t tell me he ran all the way here and I saw it as him walking? Wow, I really am drunk. Giggling, I let him continue on his run as he decided to take the stairs as the elevator was going to take a while to come back down. I didn’t mind as it gave me more time to take in his scent as he smelled like a mixture of cologne and sweat but it wasn’t all that bad.

He was pressing in his code at a lightning speed, even to the point where he messed up a few times. As he opened the door, he kicked it closed allowing me to look around as it was dark which was good as I was slowly sobering up. Walking towards his bedroom, he dropped me off as per usual before taking off his coat but instead of lying beside me he climbed on top of me leaving us both to stare at one another in the darkness.

“I hate you, I really do because all you know how to do is play with my heart. I loved you for so long and the fact that you only said it because you’re drunk has me confused. Do you really love me?” Reaching up, I his face as we were both a mess.

“I do love you, and it took me a while but I’ve been wanting to say it for a while now.” Wiping my tears, my voice was shaky but I wanted him to know how I feel.

“I love you too.” Lowering himself, he laid his head on my chest which caused my heart rate to pick up a little as he was has never done this before. “Can you tell me why you were drinking like that?”

It had slipped my mind the reason why I was like this and seeing as how my lips were a little loose from my earlier drinks I couldn’t find a reason not to tell him. I mean, we love each other so there shouldn’t be any reason why I can’t tell him.

“I thought Umma was dead, but when I found out that she only fainted from exhaustion, I lost it. I drank, when I shouldn’t have, and I thought of things that I swore I buried deep inside of me long ago but it all came bubbling up to the surface as it choked me.” Running my fingers through his hair, I gripped before letting go as I shouldn’t bring him any pain. “I know I have my grudges against her but I never said that I wanted her to die. For some reason, it wasn’t for me as it was more so for Ilhoon because he hasn’t experienced the lost of a parent yet and I knew the hurt that he’ll have to endure. But when I arrived it dawned on me that I might have lost my mother; that I might be completely alone.”

“How can you be alone when you got Changsub, Hyunsik and I? We’ll always be there for you, no matter what.” Sighing, I knew he would never understand what I meant; this is the privileage of being a newer idol.

“Not physically, but meantally. I’ve endured so much stuff where it got to the point that I realized that no one was there to save me, which lead me to start drinking heavily until I out. I remember waking up one time with half my body in the fridge as the rest of me was surrounded in a puddle of blood and water. Later I found out that I had cut myself somehow but I couldn’t remember; I could only think about the fact that I had almost cut myself in half. I’m just glad that it didn’t scar.” Laughing, dryly, I took a deep breath as I felt a small amount of relief; it was the same feeling I had when I was telling Changsub.

“What did you endure, if you don’t mind? I just want to know everything about you.” Staring at the top of his head, I shook my own as he was risking his ninth life.

“I don’t think you want to know, like I said it was all in the past so it shouldn’t matter anymore.” Looking away before he could look at me, I closed my eyes as this was bringing back the deep feeling of disgust that I didn’t even have for Umma or Ilhoon.

“It might be the past for you, but for a bright future I need to know the reasons why you do what you do. I want to know why you look full of sorrow on days when it rains, or why you move slowly on days when it is full of nothing but laughter; I want to know everything about you.” Scoffing, I tried to hold back my laughter but he was so sappy that it made my toes curl.

“I guess, um, when I was about to debut I had a different manager than Hyung at the time, and he was really greedy when it came to money. He used to take me to clubs, when I should have been sleeping, and he made me meet all these random people. I later found out that they were sponsors, but at the time I didn’t know and thought they were just normally people that he was have business with. I should have questioned it earlier but I was young and naïve; anyway, he gave me my first drinks which lead me to be taken advantage of one day.” Coughing, I tried to clear that tingly feeling out of my throat but it didn’t seem to be going anywhere. “I never told anyone and it continued happening to me, and it got to the point where I started drinking heavily. I started missing practice and my voice was slowly slipping away from me, but at the time I didn’t care as I just wanted to not be bothered with others.”

Taking a deep breath, I shook my head as the tears were coming back but I had better control on them this time as my earlier crying began to wake me up a little.

“Sub confronted me one day, and I broke down and told him everything. He told and the manager was fired, while I was sent to get some help; after that I met Hyung and it seems that everything has been going smooth for the most part.” The room was quiet which made me a little nervous but as he hugged me even tighter I knew all was good.

“Well, your day was way worse than mine.” We both laughed as it seemed to lift some of the tension in the room.

“What happened?”

“So I went to my schedule only to run into Taekwoon and JB Sunbae; they both seem to have something against me and I just can’t understand. I know JB is bitter but he seems to be making up with Jinyoung Sunbae, so I thought our problem was over; now, I don’t know what I did to Taekwoon Sunbae but ever since the family reunion he has been giving me dirty looks. Like, I understand if I did something to you but I’ve done nothing at all, it just really pisses me off.” Patting is head, I understood how that could make someone annoyed.

“Let’s hope that tomorrow is a better day, hm?” Getting a small hum back in response, I knew that he was tired as was I, so closing my eyes I forced the bad memories away as I tried to focus on what was right in front of me.

As normal, I was woken by the sound of my phone ringing and after having to find it without opening my eyes I was met with the angry voice of Hyung as he was screaming about how he had to reschedule for me to perform today or something like that. I didn’t even know I had a schedule yesterday. Sighing, I just told him to come get me before hanging up as my head was killing me to the point where I couldn’t even sit up. After a few tries, I finally sat up without wanting to throw up but I didn’t open my eyes as I could already see how strong the sun was through my eyelids.

“What are you doing?” Jackson’s voice seemed a lot louder than normal causing me to grab my head as I beginning to regret drinking so much.

“Hyung… Schedule… Headache.” He seemed to understand what I was saying as he rolled out of bed leaving me alone as he went to go do something.

Hearing the shower turn on, I smiled because he was so good to me and all I could do was make things hard for him. The sound of a bottle and cup being sat down made me turn in that direction and as he sat down next to me I took whatever was given to me; it was only aspirin and water. Finally opening my eyes, I wanted to hide as the sun was as expected which annoyed me a little. Helping me out of bed, he leads me into the bathroom before leaving as he said that he was going to make me a quick meal seeing as how Hyung could be here any minute. Thanking him, I stripped before getting inside as I let the water wash away my worries. Getting out after it became cold, I stumbled down the hall with a towel wrapped around my waist as I was extremely hungry and hungover.

“You really are something else, aren’t you?” I was grabbed as he sat me down on the couch telling me to hold on as he grabbed whatever he made.

I was still eating and when Hyung had arrived and instead of yelling more he just tossed me my clothes for today as he told me to be quick as we needed to go for rehearsals. Nodding, I stood going into the bedroom as I got dressed and after grabbing my things I thanked Jackson once more. Leaving, I promised to make it up to him later causing him to give me this smirk but I ignored it as he was starting to become a ert. The drive to the even was more comfortable than I thought it would be as Hyung let the music fill the silence only turning it down to tell me that this is a charity event, which had me clearing my throat as I really shouldn’t have drunk last night.

Gulping down a few bottles of water, I warmed up my voice as we arrived at the venue only to see that they were still setting up. Reading the signs as I walked in I realized that this was actually a lot bigger than what Hyung was making it out to be. Singers, actors, and entertainers were all over the place as they were getting ready to do their rehearsals. It wasn’t a weird sight but I came to realize that I was only one of the three ballad singers that were booked for this event.

“Eunkwang-sshi to standby.” Standing, I fixed my hat as I made my way down the halls with my mic in one hand while the other simply dangled by my side.

Walking up on stage, I greeted everyone before taking the seat that they told me to sit in as they had already had my set prepared without me knowing. Rehearsal went by fast and before I knew it I was being called to stand on stage. I was dressed down as I wasn’t in the mood to put on a suit or anything having to do with it, so instead they let me wear jeans with a plain black shirt. Entering the stage once more, I looked at the people out in the audience with a smile as I waved at the few who waved at me. Sitting down, the lights dimmed as a spotlight was shone down on me leaving me to stare at the ground as the music came in.

If I search myself on the internet, my songs pop up now

Do you know why I had to become a singer like this?

Wanting to be famous was only one of the reasons

I wanted you to see me, understand me and think of me

If I come on TV and sing, you might see me

If you hear me, if you see me, you might come find me

So I tried my best and sang, for you in the past

Putting in all my heart that I couldn’t before back then.

As I sang, I thought about how this song had helped in skyrocketing my career and the funny thing about it was that I didn’t even write this one. It was the first time I had ever used another writer seeing as how I was sick and then it was around Appa’s death anniversary, so I was just out of it. I think I’m still out of it.

~~~~

The Reason I Became A Singer - Shin Yongjae (x)