What would you do when you're hopeless? When you're tired of living? When even doing something as ordinary as breathing feels like total labor.

You wanted to put end end to the suffering, you wanted no pity from others from people around you, but yet again you always feel lonely always feel like there's something missing, always feel always need to fill the void.

Then you started to search for something, someone that you'd never should've had, someone - a stranger that won't look down at you with concern. Stranger that would not ask "What's going on with you? Are you okay?" with concern. 

At least at time like this, when Jiyong is with Kiko, he thinks less. He only purchased pleasure, he ain't need emotional support just like how he knew he would be welcomed if he came home to Seunghyun. It's not like he started to unlove Seunghyun, no he wouldn't, never could do that. 

He just need to not be under Seunghyun's pity, Seunghyun's care, he need to be far from Seunghyun.

Because he hates himself, when he see that Seunghyun can always see past him, past his vacant g-dragon persona, when Seunghyun would just said nothing but wrap his arms around him and let him cry. Seunghyun always knew, always care, always been an amazing partner that he always wanted, but he thinks he doesn't deserves him. He thought it over and over again, he'd been seeing Kiko for almost 6 months now, though he never really hanging out beside meeting inside cramped club that smell of smokes and cheap alchohol.

With Kiko he feels burdenless, he feels less like a loser, cos they both only seeking for pleasure, they don't talk about things that hurt, they aren't that close. Until they ed their 'friend with benefit term' and started to fall with each other. He never thought he'd a cheater type, Jiyong is. When he and Kiko decided to put a stop to their one night stands rules and start dating, he never knew it'd be like this. Kiko was such a sweet girl, the kind of girl that Jiyong would marry (would've wanted). It was really confusing to him, but they started to meet frequently and they share a lot of things in common, things that he rarely talk with Seunghyun about pets, flowers, queer community in Japan, sushi place, local gay club, amusement park dates, going swimming and also being "together" front row at Paris Fashion Week. With Kiko, everything feels mundane and he started to dream. His want to build a family had became really strong, and he found himself imagining marrying her, settled down and live in Japan with her, with their cute babies, work on their own fashion label just like Verbal and Yoon with Ambush. He wanted that life, but he also wanted living years and growing old together with Seunghyun in their secluded villa maybe in Paris or Argentina where they'd work on their very own wine brand and maybe Jiyong would work as his other alternate universe dream job - a manager in their joint wine company.

By the time he realize he had cheated on Seunghyun, it was already too late. He had been dating her for 3 years already, to say they went strong would be an understatement. It kills him the realization that he loves two people at the same time, he can't chose just one of them. He loves her, but he knew deep down that he loves Seunghyun more - always. Timing had never been in Jiyong's virtue. 2014 was such a hell of a year for him, for them. Dispatch spill the tea -  their Seoul date photos are everywhere and the fans are attacking his girlfriend's public instagram. This happened weeks before Seunghyun's birthday and he didn't know what to do. He hurts two people at the same time, he had hurt Seunghyun - the love of his life. All he can do was dunked some aspirin pills and cry himself to sleep.

It was 2 am, and he found himself in front of their joint home, begging the door to be open. He heard a buzz, braced him self and walked inside, he found Seunghyun sitting on the kitchen bar, eyes hollow, fingers curled on the glass wine, and his heart sank cos Seunghyun had open the wine, the wine that he said he'd save for their anniversary later, the 1987 Pinot Noir. Jiyong walked towards Seunghyun and wish that he was living in a dream instead.

Seunghyun looked close yet so far. He's unreachable. But Jiyong tried anyway, at least he should talk about this even if he doesn't deserve anything or any forgiveness from him.

*

"Seunghyun."

"Hi. You're back."

"Yeah, I'm home, had you been drinking this bottle by yourself?"

"There would never be any anniversay for us right Jiyong? No more."

"I'm ashamed of my self, I wouldn't even beg for your forgiveness because I know I don't deserve you. I never deserve you.  I'm sorry, Seunghyun, I'm so sorry."

*

*

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I love her. But Seunghyun, you’re the love of my life.”

“What do you want me to do now? I guess we should split everything and go our separate ways now?”

“No! Don’t put words in my mouth. That’s not what I wanted, I always wanted to live with you.”

“Well forgive me for thinking wrongly cos you made it clear by dating someone else behind me yeah?”

The thought of split with Seunghyun cuts to him like a knife and he just clutch his aching chest and cries. He should be making Seunghyun happy but he failed, he failed him big time.

“What was I too you, Jiyong? Am I just your toy that you played and stayed with when you were down or when you need life support?”

“I love you, Seunghyun you know that? But then I saw her, she was brilliant, witty, charming, she was beautiful.  And then after awhile I got carried away? You know how I always wanted marriage and kids? When I was with her, I got this strong urge to stay with her because of that. Because we can’t never do that, can we? But at the end of the day when I came home, I realised that I - I love her but my love for her wasn’t that great that I still wanted to be with you. You’re the only one, it doesn’t matter about marriage and life after this. I wanted to be with you regardless.”

Seunghyun didn't say anything to his speech. 

Jiyong was feeling hopeless. He started to have images of him leaving this house, of him packing his things and move out of this house for good. Also another picture of him breaking up with Kiko - that he must deal after leaving this house. And he wanted to bawl.

The silence was deafening. He thinks that's it then this is the end of their relationship, their friendship, their brotherhood, their lifetime bond. 

He can't rise his face to see Seunghyun out of shame and guilt so he prepared him self and started to walked away to exit the kitchen.

Before that, he plucked up the courage to walk to Seunghyun’s side and engulfed him from behind the dining chair, he faintly murmured “I’m so sorry, I don’t deserve you.” 

When he close and pull his arms to his side, then he feels it.

He felt Seunghyun leaned his head back to his' and he clasped their fingers together and by that Jiyong knew that they're stronger than his affair, that they're stronger than whatever life would threw them at, that he knew that he'd forgiven.

*

The got back strong then ever after so many scandals. BIGBANG considered as #1 act from Asia, they'd been on a lot of world tour but he knew it would end, this glamorous life of a worldwide pop starts. His condition got worse, after putting their last album before military service, after going back from military - it always get worse.

”The shouts, the silence, the same thing, It’s always been the same.”

“Jiyong you were so young, so beautiful, so shy, so radiant. Calm down, Jiyong. I’m here, I’m here. You have the talent, I always believe in you. I’ll always be there for you, always.”

“You will?”

“Always”

*

“So what do you want to do after BIGBANG, Jiyong?"

"Let's settle in Argentina, Shall we? SInceYou already bought the land, we could start making the wine dream into reality, don't you think?"

"Don't do it for me, Jiyong. What do you want to do? What do you want to be?"

"I don't want anything as long as I'm with you, Seunghyun."

"Are you sure? There's no going back after this."

"Yes. I always have been. I want life with you, Seunghyun. I wanted to live, with you."

That's the reassurance that Seunghyun had been seeking, they worked on their documents, arrangement, and 6 months after that - they're ready to fly to be happy together there. They met their parents, their families, their BIGBANG dongsaengs and other close friends altogether. They made an intimate party in their joint villa in Seoul and eventhough people already had known about their grand plan, they talked about it and started giving sorry and thank you to everyone. They took one last pictures together with the guest - the people that they love, and say goodbye to yesterday. They promised to go back once in awhile to Korea since it will always been home and welcomed everyone to their humble abode in Argentina, whenever they wanted. They got each other, and they never wanted anything else.

It's been almost 15 years that they do this wine business. It had been kwown well here in Argentina. They never talked about how post-artist-from-Asia-settled-down-and-made-their-own-wine-business-in-their-home-country but the citizen had welcomed their products and talked and consulted to them a lot as if they were Sommelier.

It's been 20 years after leaving home and found another home in a far away land.

It's been 30 years since Jiyong's scandal.

Been a lot of years since BIGBANG had stopped their activities. Their fans still sending letters to YG Entertaintment's HQ since Youngbae, Seungri, and Daesung were still work under the same roof as solo artist. They all are married and keep meeting up with each other's families every weekend.

Thankfully they are free now, they made YG and YG made them, literally, but they decided to stay with Seungri instead, so mostly all their schedule are managed by Seungri's entertainment company and it is less stressing, it almost feel like having fun instead of work, Youngbae once said - Brothers would never separate.

Jiyong loved their dongsaeng's kids almost like they're his own, even if he only met them twice when they got back for BIGBANG's 20th anniv. 

And It's been a lifetime since them knowing and loving each other, a lifetime of Jiyong and Seunghyun.

*

It was nearing the time of BIGBANG's 20th anniversay and suddenly Jiyong got a call from Korea.

"Hello?"

"Hyung."

"Seungri ya!"

"Hyung, I know you've been living overseas but please stop being so cocky."

"I miss you too, Seungri, thanks for the greeting. What's up? Are you inviting me to your wedding?"

"It's August, hyung. Do you ever miss home?"

"Of course I do, Seungri-ah, I always do."

"Come back, can you and hyung come here for one or two months? Let's do another series of RUN, BIGBANG SCOUT!"

"Seungri, we both in our 40s already, we can't run anymore."

"C'mon hyung, Youngbae and Daesung already agreed, we just need you guys's acceptance. The fan misses us, I miss you, really."

"Maknae, why are you so sweet? If we say yes, what about YG? Did he said yes to this?"

"Hyung, I am my own CEO, we don't care about YG anymore do we? Let's do this for BIGBANG, okay?"

"Okay, I'll let hyung know."

"Okay, See you soon, Jiyong hyung, you're so cool Kwon Jiyong! I love you!"

"I love you too, Seungri."

*

Just like every meeting, there would always be an end. Getting old has it's own perks.

Sometimes Jiyong woke up and found himself with pee all over their share bed, and he's glad that they already passed being embarrassed.

When it happens, Seunghyun would helped him clean him self, clean the bed, and walked him to the kitchen for breakfast.

Jiyong had had suffered from dementia. He would ask for Seunghyun's presence for once in a while. And if Seunghyun failed to hear it due to his decreased hearing, he would found Jiyong having an almost anxiety attack in his work room.

Writing had always been Jiyong's outlet, post BIGBANG, he had been writing a lot of poetry about life, love, art, and fashion.

Sometimes he made music for one audience only, Seunghyun.

He would played his grand piano, sing his poetry from his journal and recorded it all on his handphone.

*

Later on at night, Seunghyun would put Jiyong's recordings on their laptop.

He wanted to cherish it. Music is their core, after all.

If they'd have kids, maybe they'll make them a lot of mixtape of their own singing and rapping already.

One day he asked Jiyong and all he got was a heartful of laughter.

"Jiyong?"

"Hmm?"

"Let's make a mixtape, what do you say?"

"Well Daesung called me earlier, that his twins sons had been having difficulties with sleeping at night, so I figured maybe we can record us, sing/rap lullaby for them. Let's do lullaby zutter version!"

"Seunghyun, babies that can't sleep at night, mostly because they're hungry or they wanted to be cuddled or their diapers are full, not because they wanted us to rap zutter for them."

"Okay, babe. But can we still record some though, for us, just for us?"

"You miss it, don't you?"

"Eung."

*

*

Jiyong  curled his fingers to Seunghyun's, put their hands close to his chest , kissed Seunghyun and tried to sleep. He was glad that after all this time, they are each other's always. For Jiyong, their love story with Seunghyun would be the world' greatest love affair because how can people stayed with each other for almost 50 years? He had known Seunghyun ever since they were in their teenage life and he got to grow old with him, Jiyong got nothing else to ask anymore.

*

It was sunday morning, Seunghyun woken up early and found that the breakfast already made by their home assistants, it's still to early for Jiyong to wake up so he decided to walk on their park at their home. He remembers how they used to bicker about what to plant on their giant park inside of their house. Jiyong wanted pretty flowers but Seunghyun had wanted grapes and other fruits since they're working on a wine brand after all. And it's funny in the end they planted a lot of palm trees instead - that make the park into a botanical garden whom Jiyong's gdragon persona would found that aesthetically pleasing. He finished his strolling, bathed him self and checked up on Jiyong - but then he saw him.  Jiyong was peaceful, sleeping with his arms around his stomach, one arm holding their very first photo that they took together when they move in to this house, and by that he knew. Seunghyun laced their fingers , hand in hand together, and he let Jiyong go.

In the next few months, Seunghyun would still sit by the window on Jiyong's work room, looking at their garden and he would faintly heard his name being called. Like how Jiyong used to do, always do when he's working here in this very room. He would ask for Seunghyun and Seunghyun would already been there without him knowing. Just like how they had supposed to be, belong together.

“Seunghyun? Is that you?”

“Here I am, Jiyong.”

*

FIN

Berge to Yves : "But I also know that I will never forget what I owe you and that one day I will join you under the Moroccan palms" 

p.s : If you're reading this, thank you so much! and maybe tell me what you think? :)