SHINee – Tell Me What To Do

Tell me what to do
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to do
These days, I don’t know, I don’t know you
You look like you gave up on a lot of things
But I hear your silent scream
Tell me what to do

Lovers without extreme development
Is this the losing hand that time has placed?
We haven’t ended it but it’s already over
Tell me what to do

There’s a knot that can’t be untied
In front of us

I’ll go to you first
At the end of a different road
I’ll wipe your cheeks that are
wet with tears and ask you

Tell me what to do
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to do

You don’t tell me but you want me to know
You think that you only gave the words you threw
at me because you’re too used to me
Tell me what to do

Indifferent and painful words
Left deep scars on that day
Words that made me realize
That I’m still a fool

If only I can erase it
If only I can

I’ll go to you first
At the end of a different road
I’ll wipe your cheeks that are
wet with tears and ask you

Tell me what to do (I hope you’ll tell me first)
Tell me what to do (Don’t cry no more)
Tell me what to do (If your heart can see me)
Tell me what to do (Don’t cry no more)

I took you for granted
But just thinking of you not being there
I don’t want to go through that,
my world would crumble

Am I the one for you
At some point, you were keeping me in check
I said you changed a lot
but I changed the most
The one for me, I didn’t know
But that promise keeps suffocating us
Time keeps lingering but our
time keeps getting destroyed

That smile came to me, more brightly
The cold hands became more warm
Two lonely souls met
Not lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely
I’ll look into you again,
I’ll place your breathing in my ears
Even if everything but us changes

I’ll go to you first (I’ll go to you first)
At the end of a different road (Tell me what to do)
I’ll wipe your cheeks that are
wet with tears and ask you

Tell me what to do (I hope you’ll tell me first)
Tell me what to do (Don’t cry no more)
Tell me what to do (If your heart can see me)
Tell me what to do (Don’t cry no more)

Tell me what to do
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to do

Author’s POV

Empty bottles of different alcohols are scattered all over the place. Rigidly torn off rolls of tissues are hanging everywhere, from couches, chairs, windows, table and cabinet’s edges, to the wide flat screen TV that’s about to fall down from where it’s putted on any time now. There are also broken crates and boxes thrown everywhere.

The only thing that’s not damaged by the nine girls was the king-sized bed where they’re all lying over right now. They’re all exhausted after the party last night.

At the right corner of the bed, one of the girls rose up from her slumber. That girl has a mole over her nose, almost at the bridge between her two fierce yet captivating eyes. She walked into the balcony of the room. It was full of layered white curtains, waving perfectly as it invites the morning wind to dance with it. The girl stared outside.

The place was actually an abandoned hotel building, unorganized yet will surely hold on five more decades before it collapse on its own. Ever since kids, after meeting each other, no matter what the differences between them are, they all became friends and started going into this same spot, playing anything to have some fun till they drop. Once getting into their puberty years, the bond somehow faltered, but still stood strong.

Today, they’re almost nearing their late twenties. The one who leads them, Jihyo, decided to crash into their houses, just to make them go with her into this special place. It was unplanned to others, but either way, they messed the place up to their heart’s content.

Just thinking back how crazy one of her friend couples were as they hover the improvised stage like two drunk pole dancers without the actual pole to twirl at, made the girl chuckle. As she stared away to nothingness, a pair of arms made its way to her waist.

“Morning, Mina.” A husky tone greeted her. It made the girl smile. She faced the former and encircled her arms around the former’s neck. “Good morning to you too, Jeong.” The girl named Mina ruffled the other girl’s short hair, making it messier since it was already on its bed hair form. “Yah~.” They both playfully teased each other before sharing a luscious kiss.

Too passionate and centered that they didn’t noticed the presence of another person behind them. Rage and hurt was all over the person’s eyes as she watched her friends being so into their own world.

Under her breathe, with clenched hands that are turning white, she whispered in pure envy, “That was supposed to be me.”

Chaeyoung’s POV

Why am I always the one who’s supposed to get hurt? What did I do to deserve this ? I just want to love and be loved, but why is it that only mess was what I get? At first, I just accepted as it is since I can’t do anything about it, but now … is it still me whose wrong here?

The last time I checked, I was the one who’s sacrificing things here, not them. So am I the one who’s receiving the pain, huh?! WHY?!

(Flashbacks: 8 years ago…)

I was still in my teen years when my feelings started to develop into something I never expected.

Being a self-proclaimed composer and artist, having a vast idea of how to express love and such to its limits was not hard to me. I can write up what I feel in a matter of seconds. All I need was my pen, my paper, and my inspiration. But I never thought that she will be my inspiration.

I can still remember how she can easily make my heart raise. It was annoying whenever Tzuyu and Dahyun tease me after finding out about these silly feelings I have to a certain Japanese girl.

We’re all childhood best friends to each other, but somehow, this girl named Myoui Mina made me crazy. I thought it was just a temporary crush since it was normal on your puberty stage. New or old people, as long as they attract you, you’ll have your momentary affection to them. It will disappear by the end of the year or so.

But that is what I thought. I never expected it to be something more until the first time I got jealous between her and a senior who’s trying to hit on her. Hell, I was burning in jealousy. I didn’t able to control myself and caused a fight. It ended up pretty badly, physically on the senior, and verbally on me. I gave the guy a good beating that made me received a good amount of sermon that almost made me wish that I was deaf at that moment.

The following days turn out to be awkward between me and Mina. I was fine with it. I started it after all. Our friends made it possible for us to still interact with each other without stuttering so things became clear in the end.

I slowly accepted the love that was forming in my heart, understanding every means that I really have feelings to Mina.

Though hesitating, I decided to tell some of my friends about it; first, to know how they’ll react, and second, to seek some advice. They all gave me a positive reply … everyone but Jeongyeon. She just nodded and showed a small smile.

I was too glad with everyone’s encouraging words that I didn’t able to catch up those whispers she muttered under her breathe, or the slight hint of anger and guilt that her eyes are showing as she stare at my back while our friends are teasing me.

It was only Mina who’s clueless about these silly feelings that I want to share with her. I was not yet ready to confess, no matter how much Sana and Dahyun tried to push me to talk, or Tzuyu and Jihyo sneakily plotting things for me and Mina to be stuck together. Whatever tricks they kept on playing, nothing made me pass the confessing line.

Call me timidly shy and ridiculously stupid, but there’s no hell I’ll jump into the pool right now and then without testing the water. Heartbreak is one hell of a , and I’m not that prepared to accept such thing. It’s my FIRST LOVE, ok?! So I keep things slow. I just continue showing her things that can possibly make her love me and have the clue that I love her too.

I don’t know if it was working or not, but her actions made me get my own self-assurance, so I decided to finally take the risk after months of indirect persuasion to the Japanese girl and planned my confession.

One sunny day, I asked her out. We rode my blue and white colored race car. I might be minor, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna seat my pretty over a public transport all day and night, I’d rather ride my own car. Ever heard of being rebellious and badass?

Everything was running smooth, too smooth to my liking that I never noticed the actual ending of my actions.

“Mina.” I called out, taking away any formalities. She looked at with the eyes that I only saw once or twice in my life. Those eyes … it was saying only one thing that I will hate for the rest of my life … guilt.

Maybe I was too blind at first, because I shrugged off those burdening thoughts, never guessing that it was the sign for me to stop.

“You know … we’ve been friends with each other for so long. In those years I spent with you and the girls, there’s something I didn’t expect to have.” She was frozen beside me as I speak. “I know I can feel this to them too in some way, but I found out that I only had this with you. Mina …” I held her hand, feeling her tensing up with the contact.

“… I love you.” I finally said it out, eyes darted over hers. I was searching for any signs of rejection. I don’t know if I did found one, because before I can even decipher that unknown silent voice coming for my own conscience, the girl I love was hugging me tightly.

I can’t understand the whole meaning of it. The answer was unspoken and unclear. I can’t justify that she accepted my feelings, but I can’t tell that it was a rejection either. So I just held her up close while repeatedly saying that I love her so much and I’m thanking her … thanking Mina for that empty reply that I hoped I didn’t received in the first place.

I was happy that day. With my expectation being at its peak, thinking that the missing puzzle piece in my heart was finally placed perfectly, but I never thought that that piece was actually a fake part that wasn’t actually supposed to be put in my own.

I thought that when I finally had Mina as my girlfriend, I will be happy, that since we both mean something more to each other, things will go fine as days goes by. Everything was just what my mind believed and made-up.

For the first weeks, I was blind and stupid, feeling like I was in cloud nine because the girl of my dreams was here with me, but my friends aren’t. They noticed the sudden changes, not from me, but from Mina … and Jeongyeon.

When days turned into a month of nothing but just me being the affectionate one, and her, being there like an actress doing her temporary role, Jihyo and the others talked out things with me. They told me the things I didn’t able to overlook as I take on the role of the loving girlfriend too much.

“Chaeng, why do I feel like Mina doesn’t feel the same for you?”, “It looks like you’re pushing yourself to her in my view.”, “I don’t want to assume things, Chaeyoung, but I can clearly see that this relationship between you two are absolutely ridiculous. It was a joke.” Those and more words came up, opening my blind eyes into realization.

‘So what does this mean then?’

My mind turned blank by the end of the day. I tried to think of a thousand possibilities that have nothing but problems with solutions, but nothing came up but one ty thought that I always freaking hoped to never pass my mind.

‘Mina loves someone else … someone I know … someone in our group … someone who’s so damn close to me.’

I sleep off those thoughts for the night, only to welcome it back the next day after seeing you and Jeong-hyung. My jaw involuntarily clenched when I saw something that Mina never shared with me that she’s actually giving my bestfriend right now.

‘The eyes that speaks out nothing but love, those eyes that was supposed to be mine. She’s freely giving it to someone that is not me.’

A scene then played over my mind. One time, Mina and I are just walking around the park. It was our first week together, and I was able to finish all my school works just to spend time with her.

I was too off with my own story telling that I never noticed her being uncomfortable of my presence, the sudden tensing of her body when we held hands, held hands that it was me who initiated it, and the forced smiles she give to me whenever I try to look out for reasons why she’s not that hype about our date.

I overlooked it all, but now … I can fully see it, realizing how big of an idiot I am to go on blindly in this relationship that is nothing but a joke. ‘A ing joke!’

Putting up a fake smile, I approached them. “Hyung~!” From the corner of my eyes, I can see the surprised expressions on their faces as they quickly hid their holdings hands. “My little bro~!” Jeong replied brightly, acting like nothing happened.

Just a little bit for now, I’ll let things pass as if I knew nothing at all. Though the truth was I’m already screaming words of pain and confusion in my mind as I watch the two of them sneakily sharing a look.

“It’s been a while since we have an outing with just the three of us. How about going to the amusement park? My body’s screaming for some fun after Mrs. Song’s tear-jerking test. Neh?” I was expecting them to agree. I’ll give Mina and Jeongyeon one last chance to maybe tell me the things they’re hiding from me.

‘I can already guess what it might be but I won’t jump into conclusions. Not just yet … because they’re my best friends.’

“Chaeng, I--”, “Did someone say amusement park? Join me in!” Jeong was about to say something but Nayeon suddenly appeared, her arm suddenly clinging so tight over mine. “This was supposed to be with my girl and my bro, Unnie.” I told her while looking at her pouting face. In the corner of my eyes, I can see how Mina whispered something so quickly at Jeongyeon’s ears.

“But I wanna go out! Lemme join too!” Nayeon whined, making me sigh in defeat. “Fine. You’re coming with us … but Jeong’s going to handle you, not me.” I self-declared and purposely stare at Mina, expecting a hint of jealous from her. I did saw a glimpse of it but … it wasn’t for me and Nayeon, but for Nayeon and Jeongyeon.

I can’t believe it, but now that I’m seeing every crooked part of me and Mina’s relationship, I can immediately guess the secrets she and Jeongyeon were hardly hiding from me.

These days I kept things right to stay strong with the best way I can, but I don’t know anymore. I’m not sure how long I can keep on going. I don’t know you. Please, I’m suffering and you’re the cause. ‘Tell me what to do, Mina. I don’t want to lose you.’

“Yey! Wait, I’ll change my clothes first. Don’t leave me, arasso?” Nayeon’s words snapped me out from my own thoughts. “I’ll be changing too. You guys hurry up and do the same. Reminder, this is my threat so don’t waste it.” I chirped up in the most possibly positive way that I can. Getting a little sick of seeing the two of them together, I rushed inside the room I shared with Dahyun and Tzuyu.

Sharing room in a large dorm has its ups and downs. You’ll have a company to share things with, but right now, I actually want to be alone. ‘But I can’t ask for that, right?’

I unconsciously fell into deep thinking as I change. ‘It’s not I’m getting ahead over myself anymore. I know we are lovers without extreme development. She … they don’t need to say it out anymore. But I hear your silent scream yet I didn’t mind it. I kept it up like a blind person coz I love you too much that I expect too much.’

More thoughts kept running in my mind that I didn’t notice someone’s presence going in front of me. Before I know it, I was pulled into a tight hug.

“Cry it all out, Chaeyoung. Unnie’s here.” It was Nayeon. I didn’t understand what she meant at first but I then felt something dripping from the corner of my eyes. ‘I’m actually crying.’

“N-Nayeon-unnie…”, “Shh, I know it hurts. I know how it feel so just let it out.” She kept on caressing my back while I weakly whimper in her embrace.

I don’t how long I was crying. When I pulled away, I saw Nayeon’s face drenched with her own tears. “What do you mean, Unnie? Is there something wrong with you too?” My question made her lower her head. I waited for an answer but only silence came out. “If I can tell you my problems then so are you to me, Nayeon.”

She looked up. Her eyes are about to shed new tears but she forced to hold it in. “I love Jeongyeon, Chaeng … I love her so much.” After that, Nayeon broke down in my arms while I stare into nothing.

‘Oh … I get it. We’re in the same boat … falling to someone that’s not ours. And maybe … someone who’ll never be ours.’

“Tell me what to do, Chaeyoung-ah. It hurts so much. I … I kept mum for so long, and seeing you getting the same feeling of pain that I have, every single wound in my heart are opening again. I saw my own image in you. The heartbroken me was appearing from you coz … we’re receiving it from the same people.” She weakly said while wiping away her tears again and again.

“They’re my friends so I can’t just ramp myself and say things. The one for me, for my heart, was claimed by someone who’s also precious to me. I didn’t know at first. I was blind by my own affection. But things became clear to me. Seeing them kiss left deep scars on that day, left deep inerasable scars that will stay here.” She clutched her left chest as she said those painful words.

“If only I can walk at the end of a different road and reach out for Jeongyeon’s warm arms, I want to. But I won’t, Chaeng. I will never be selfish … at least not to my best friends.” I silently listened to her sobbing noise as I rub her back

‘We do share the same pain. I only hoped it was not actually with the people we claimed as our family. Why won’t someone tell me what to do?’

Mina’s POV

I’m such a mess. I’m a cruel person. I’m … I’m playing with bestfriend’s feelings.

“You look like you gave up on a lot of things. Why won’t you stop already, Mina?” Jeongyeon’s voice snapped me out from my own world. “Huh? What do you mean?”

“Nothing. Just … I can’t keep this up. I’m … we’re breaking our friend’s heart. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do.” What she said was true. We dragged Chaeyoung to something she wasn’t supposed to be in. I love Jeongyeon, but I can’t help not to ignore those expecting eyes of Chaeyoung when she confessed to me.

What I am doing was bad, I know that. But can you fully blame me? I don’t want to lose Jeongyeon, but so does Chaeyoung. They both mean so much to me.

“Let’s … let’s tell her today. We’ll reveal the truth and ask for forgiveness.” I weakly suggested. Being a fragile person, I ended up crying again while Jeong hugged me tightly. She feels guilty too but mine was worst. I was the role-player in between and I need to decide now before the whole gang gets affected.

There’s a knot that can’t be untied, and that was the lie I build because of my own selfishness.

Nayeon’s POV

We all go to the amusement park. Chaeyoung was holding hands with Mina while I just walked closely beside Jeongyeon.

The atmosphere was awkward yet no one dared to talk. I can’t help but to fidget in my spot. It’s been a while since I get this close with Jeong. Ever since knowing her and Mina’s secret relationship, I purposely distanced myself from the two of them as much as possible.

I took a quick glance at Chaeyoung’s side. A frown was placed over my face when I noticed the uneasiness in Mina’s face while Chaeyoung forced a smile.

“Who wants to ride the rollercoaster?” I speak up a little loud to drag all the attention to me. “Mina can’t ride those so maybe you and Jeong can. We’ll look for a kiddy ride instead, hehe.” Chaeyoung’s reply made Mina frown for a sec before she presents a façade of fake positive smile to the former.

“Chaenggie’s right. You both go there instead. Jeong can handle Nayeon’s scream anyway.” I can easily feel the lie in her words but I shrug it off. ‘If you two still treasure our friendship, one of you better tell Chaeyoung the truth. For the sake of the gang, tell her the truth, Mina, Jeongyeon.’

“Let’s go already. Hurry up while the waiting line’s still spacious.” I didn’t wait for anyone’s reply and dragged Jeongyeon away from the couple. ‘Please, say it out before it’s too late, Mina.’

“Nayeon, stop.” Jeong’s serious voice made me shiver but I choose not to falter. “Don’t want to. I wanna ride now!” I incoherently whined, still pulling the person with me to the ride I want. “Nayeon, just why are you doing this?” Those words finally made me stop. I froze on my spot, my mind started to jumble things I can use as an excuse.

Nothing came up so I just looked up to stare into her eyes. She did the same, except her eyes are conveying words that slowly weakens me.

“What? I’m n-not doing anything?” I found it hard to speak loud. She sighed and held my hands. “I know that you know something about Mina and me. Chaeyoung … she’s running inside the mess we made and we’re deciding to say it out to her today. We’re sick on hiding. We’ll tell it to you guys too. I’m sorry if we’ve made things complicated, for starting a reason to ruin the gang.”

I can feel the strong guilt in her words. It pains me so much. Everything is tearing me apart again. My unheard love, the sad truth behind my friends’ painted love, and the image of our friendship burning by the lies I hope I never get the chance to know so early. All of it is firing back to me.

And now I found myself crying. “Just why, Jeongyeon? Why not me? Why her?” The question I tried my best not asked finally came out from my quivering mouth, “Nayeon, what do you--”, “I LOVE YOU, OK?!” Jeongyeon’s expression dropped into full surprise.

“I love you for so long. I tried letting it out many times, but I always failed to succeed. I was too comfortable with things that I didn’t notice how slow and late I am already. The time I said that I’ll wipe your cheeks that are wet with tears when you’re sad again because of your complicated feelings and ask you if you’re ready to be honest, I never thought that that encouragement wasn’t meant for the two of us but for you and Mina.

If only I know then I wouldn’t have done that. But because you and Mina are my best friends, I threw my anger away. I covered the jealousy in my eyes. I tried my best for our friendship. And I’m proud of myself for it. Proud of myself except now that someone’s suffering the pain I once had. Chaeyoung was like my precious little sister and seeing her getting played by you two, I’m now regretting everything.

But aside from regret, I feel angered. Not only to you and Mina, but to myself. Because even after all this, I can’t find the way to fully hate you, Yoo Jeongyeon. At the end of a different road, I still find myself silently wanting you. There’s a timid, blind, and dumb me inside my heart that kept on dreaming for you. Tell me what to do, Jeong. No matter how much I kept myself mum, everything’s starting to fall.

I … I love you, Jeongyeon. But why is this happening to me? To us? I can’t ask you to break-up with Mina, but can you find a way to heal me? To keep Chaeng away from getting hurt? And do something for our friendship to stay as it is? Can you, huh?!” I sobbed too much while Jeongyeon only looked blankly at me.

She listened to everything I said but I know she can’t find anything to answer it. Tears started to form from the corner of her eyes as she pulled me into a hug.

“I’m sorry, Nayeon. I’m so sorry for everything.” We both cried in each other’s hold. I can’t say anything anymore so I hit her back, again and again to express my pain. “I hope I can turn everything back to normal, Nabongs. I really do.”

Chaeyoung’s POV

I walked hand in hand with Mina to the Ferry’s Wheel. She was silent all this time and I didn’t plan to talk either.

“Why won’t you just say it already, Mina?” I courageously blurted out when we entered the ride. My fake lover shot me a surprise look. “C-Chaeng, I--”, “If you’re going to say sorry then don’t.” I spat harshly.

“You’ve already done it, Mina. You and Jeongyeon already broke me and Nayeon to pieces because of you two’s ing selfishness!” I finally screamed from the top of my lungs. If she and Jeong won’t say it, I won’t care anymore. I’m too fed up with the lies. If Nayeon can’t act recklessly, I can. And I won’t hesitate. ‘They didn’t hesitate to lie to us anyway, right?’

“Please, Chaeyoung, let me explain.” Mina pleaded but I beat her from speaking further.

“Explain, Mina? Really, now? What is there to explain? The thing where you act out as my lover even when you’re already with Jeong because you worry about my feelings?! That you selfishly do this thing for the sake of the gang?! Mina, can you stop ing with me for once?! If you think I’m too naïve and childish because I’m younger than you, think again! If you truly freaking care for us, for me … you won’t do such irrational thing.

You’re not the Mina I used to know. The true Mina I love never lies. She knew better. And the you right now … is the person I would really love to push away from me at this moment. You and Jeongyeon sickened me. If you really cared then we won’t reach things until here. From the start, you’ll say the truth in front of me already even though it might hurt me.

Call me rude but I won’t give a even if you cry. Your tears won’t be enough for how much pain me and Nayeon felt because of you and Jeongyeon’s damn selfishness. From now on … don’t ever talk to me. You and Jeongyeon … don’t ever approach me. Better not to show your face too. Keep this in your mind, Myoui. You and Yoo Jeongyeon are the reason why our friendship is breaking apart.”

I breathe heavily while Mina lowered her head as she cry silently. I want to cry too, but not now. It will look ridiculous if shed a tear in front of her. She doesn’t deserve to see my crying face since she’s the cause of it.

The ride was about to reach its end when I spoke up so weakly that it came out as a whisper, “Is this the losing hand that time has placed? Just how stupid am I to not see it earlier? It’s funny how blind I was. We haven’t ended it but it’s already over even from the start so there’s no sense on saying let’s break up. There was no love in it all to fill the fake reality after all. When I thought I’ll go to you first coz you’re whom I proclaimed as my safe haven, I now want to never get near you ever again.”

The ride stopped and the worked came to our booth to open the door.

“Because now you’re my nightmare, Myoui. Thank you for the lies. You ruined me and I hope you’re happy.” I left first, leaving her there to cry. I hurriedly looked for Nayeon-unnie. After searching around, I saw her and Jeongyeon seating on a bench.

“Nayeon, let’s go.” I sternly said as I reach out for Nayeon’s hand. “H-huh? Why? Where’s Mina?”, “I don’t know and I don’t care. Let’s go.” I hurriedly pulled her up but a little careful to not hurt her. “Hey, Chaeyoung, wai--”

I didn’t let Jeongyeon finish what she’s about to say when I punched her hard in the face. She fell from the force. “C-Chaeng!” Nayeon yelled in shock but I didn’t say anything and pulled her away. ‘I’ll run away from it all. I’m too done with this bull.’

We came across Mina but I didn’t pay her even a short glance. “Chaeyoung-ah…”

When we reached my car, I sat like a stone on the driver’s seat. A hand made its way of my shoulder, fingers slowly to give comfort. “Are you okay? You can shower it out, Chaenggie. I’ll stay here to share the pain with you.” Just those simple words from Nayeon made me take away the entire strong front I showed a while ago.

And before I know it, I was already in a crying fit. ‘Someone please tell me what to do now.’

(End of Flashback…)

I never showed up from them ever again. I left my two best friends and slowly walked away from the gang. Since it was already falling apart drastically, I didn’t hesitate to leave them.

It was too much, but just seeing Jeongyeon and Mina’s faces, I’m already getting into the pain I hardly keep on pushing down back in my system.

It turned into years now but it stood still inside me, and so was their relationship. I only show up when it’s a gathering between Dahyun, Tzuyu, Momo, Sana, Jihyo and Nayeon. I never appear when the other two are included.

But yesterday and today was different. After too many pleading, I finally agreed that we’ll have a party as a whole. The only thing they don’t know, it was going to be the last.

“Are you two done passionately ing each other or I need to find you a proper room to have some privacy?” I monotonously said that interrupted the couple’s moment. It was the first time I ever talked to them after so long. Even the party last night never helped the three of us to start even a simple conversation.

“C-Chaeyoung…” Mina’s voice trailed off when I laughed bitterly. “Don’t you dare start, Mina. I didn’t come here to hear your voice since they’re like venom to my ears.” With that, I turn around to walk away when Jeongyeon shouted, “Can’t you just forgive us?! It’s been so long, Chaeyoung. Can’t you be happy for us for once?”

What she said finally ignite the flames I kept on pouring water at.

“Ha! Happy? Did you just ing ask me to be happy with you and Mina, Jeongyeon? Seriously?!” I spat back as I gave a sharp turn to them. My eyes are glaring so intensely on them. Jeongyeon didn’t find the words to backfire.

“Let me ask you this then. Are you happy when I confessed to Mina? ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN YOUR BESTFRIEND WAS GIVEN A FALSE LOVE BECAUSE THE TRUE LOVE SHE’S WANTING WAS TAKEN BY YOU, HUH?!” I scream so loud to the point I can taste my blood on my throat. The two of them were stunned at the fact they seemed to forget.

Jihyo and others came into the picture. “Chaeyoung, please don’t start a fight.” Nayeon said as she held my arm. I can’t find my way to pull my arm back harshly so I carefully used my other hand to take her hands off me. “Sorry, Nayeon. Now I’m really done. From this day fort, don’t ever look for me. I’m officially falling off from this friendship.”

Everyone’s eyes widened. I raised my hand to hold Nayeon’s face. Out of all, she was the only one I was able to actually count on, the person who clearly understands me. We shared the same pain. But looking at how we faced it. It was actually Nayeon who’s the brave one here, while I’m the coward.

She accepted everything, while me? I was actually running from it all. This moment was a hole I specially made so I can run away from the pain that Nayeon has able to take control even if it still hurts her.

“Thank you for the happy and sad times we shared together, guys.” I quickly left the scene, not minding the callings of my best friends. I went straight to where I parked my race car. When I was about to open the door, a pair of arms pulled me around then to my collar.

“You aren’t going away from our lives so easily, Chaeng!” It was Jeongyeon. Tears are present over her cheeks as she held me up.

I snorted and smiled ridiculously at her before shoving her hands away from me. “Yes, I am.” I turn back to open my door when she pleaded. “Please … don’t do this.” I left out a bitter laugh before getting inside my car. They all gave me a sorrowful look. Every single one of them is pleading for me to stay.

‘Sorry, but I can’t. I kept asking someone to tell me what to do yet no one answered, so I’ll look for the answer myself instead.’

Turning the engine on, I hastily drove away, not seeing how Mina tried to run her best to catch up my fading car. Even if I saw that coming, I won’t stop anyway. This is my final goodbye, and I mean it.

Mina’s POV

This is it. The result of everything I’ve done. I regret falling to Jeong and regret hurting my friends.

They looked at me and I can see the anger in their eyes, except for the two. Jeongyeon showed guilt while Nayeon expressed nothing. She’d already guessed this to happen.

All I can do was to lower my head and walk away from them. I got no right to argue. I’m at fault and I am at blame to this whole thing. Stopping a cab, I go straight to my home. I turned my phone off. ‘I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to hear anything to anyone. No one … but Chaeyoung.’

My mind was blank and I just want to sleep everything. I hope I can do what Chaeng did. ‘I want to run away.’

I lay down over my bed, trying to find comfort as I force my eyes to close and rest. Every effort failed to do what I want when I heard a loud crack near me. I sat up and noticed a picture frame lying on the floor. When I picked it up, it was broken. It was Chaeng, Jeong and I’s picture when we’re still in high school.

My heart broke when I saw where the crack is. ‘It was in Chaeyoung’s face.’

A bad omen. I quickly get my phone to open it and saw tons of messages and missed calls. My blood ran cold as fear envelopes me. The last message came from an unknown number though.

From: Unknown To: Her Love (12:01PM _ 24/03/2018)

‘Thank you for considering my heart for once. Sorry for making you cry and from running away. Today’s your birthday so I left you something in that cabinet beside your bed. I will never forget about you, Myoui Mina. I lied … I’m not angry at you, because no matter what happened between us, I still and always will love you.

Goodbye.’

My mind and heart are both feeling uneasy when I stare at the cabinet. I go near it and when I opened it, a big box was placed below the pile of hanged clothes inside. I put the box into my bed and opened it.

I suddenly tear up when I saw what’s inside. It was the giant emperor penguin I always want to have. I remember how I much it saddened me when the seller said that it was already bought by someone when I decided to buy it. It also has three big sketchpads and a photo album beside it.

When I picked it up, there’s a smaller box underneath it. When I opened it, a usb and ring with necklace was in it. I stared at the ring. Something was written within the ring.

‘~Almost Is Never Enough~’

“She remembered.” I put my attention back into the usb. I opened my laptop and inserted the hard drive with my heart beating loud. Searching through the device, it only has a single file. A video entitled, ‘Tell Me What To Do’.

I played the video was struck on what I saw. “Chaeyoung…”

“Hello, Minari. Yes, this is your midget cub bestfriend in your screen. How are you, Mina? It’s been a long while since I saw you. I bet by tomorrow, you’re still as beautiful as the day I left you and Jeong back at the amusement park. I was so stupid back then to not see where I was getting into. I’m too much of a hardheaded kid to even try to fix things within my own way.

I just ran away from it all. I was the here, and I’m so sorry for that. I hope you’ll forgive me one day. We both didn’t know the actual image of the future that’s placed in front of us. We kept going with our own decisions without looking back. Somehow, you don’t tell me but you want me to know that everything were all fake. You can’t because you’re scared. I was too. We’re both bounded by the fear of breaking the friendship we have for each other.

You think that you only gave the words you threw at me because you’re too used to me and I understand that. I thought I know you very much too that I just easily took things so lightly without looking out for any consequences. Indifferent and painful words that you never said to me but was clearly readable from your involuntary actions. You don’t have it in you to speak it out yet you’re doing it anyway.

Whenever I’ll remember my mistakes, I always crumpled and cry silently. If only I can erase it, I’ll delete the very day I confessed to you, and if only I can then maybe also my feelings. I was contemplating all this time if I’ll actually do it, that I’ll bid farewell to you all. I did have a hard time thinking because there are lots of words that made me realize that it was a very difficult decision. Because all this time, I want to stick around my best friends, I want to stick with you, for the reason that I’m still a fool.

Before I left that day, I was determined to get the answers from you. I won’t take action until you and Jeongyeon say it to me face to face. I hope you’ll tell me first coz I trusted you. But it doesn’t matter now. You were hurt by your own selfishness too, right?

Keep in your mind that I took you for granted. Why? Because I proclaimed things too lightly. If you thought you played with me? Don’t. No one played their cards here but me. Being honest won’t do well for me because you know my world would crumble if you told me the truth that you can’t love me because there’s already someone else inside your heart.

I don’t want to go through that and you know that from the start … so thank you. You won’t be wronged when someone asked if am I the one for you and you said no, I know it’s Jeongyeon all this time. My brain just didn’t process that earlier, haha.” Chaeyoung was right there, saying everything even if they taste bitter in her tongue.

I can clearly see how she hate every words she say. They’re like poison to her yet she’s not stopping. “Why, Chaeyoung-ah?” Pain is visible to her innocent eyes. ‘She’s taking all the blame for me.’

“At some point, you were keeping me in check if I am truly happy to this kind of relationship. After all … you promised to guide and keep me happy when we’re kids, right? But that promise keeps suffocating us, mostly for you if I should say. Time keeps lingering but our time keeps getting destroyed by every moment guilt eats you.

I said you changed a lot but I changed the most to be honest. I don’t know if it’s because of love or for something else. But let me tell you, those made me wise and enlightened. All this time I’ve been away, I seriously missed your cherry lips, the times that smile came to me, captivating my poor heart as it gets more brightly each second.

Do you know that I had a dream last night? The cold hands became more warm as it held mine. It made me wonder how it is beautiful when two lonely souls met, except in reality, you weren’t alone … I am. Then solitude’s grim hands slowly creep up upon me as everything fades away.  I screamed I’m not lonely, I won’t get lonely, no one’s lonely, and no body’s going to be lonely. And before I know it, I’m wide awake.

Maybe one day I’ll look into you again, to those captivating eyes that twinkle whenever you smile. If your heart can see me even when there’s someone that covers it with her own love, stop feeling guilty, Mina. One day I’ll place your breathing in my ears to calm you down. Everything’s going to be okay now, so please … don’t cry no more. You look ugly when you cry.

Even if everything but us changes, keep smiling for me. Those smiles are my only sanctuary. I’ll go to you first if things crumpled upon your surroundings once more. I’ll wipe your cheeks that are wet with tears and ask you in your deep dreams if everything’s going to be alright when I leave you later. I’ll walk away if it’s finally okay because on that moment, you’ve completely moved on with my goodbyes.

Happy birthday, Mina. This is my final goodbye. I love you until blizzards and storms leaved my broken heart.” That was her last words before the scene changed into an image of our first picture back then.

Tears never stopped flowing from my eyes. My heart hurt so much. My phone then rings. “Hello? Mina? I-I know this is something painful for you b-but … can you o-open your TV and see the n-news?” It was Nayeon-unnie and her voice was trembling. She’s crying.

‘The news? Why?’

I wish I didn’t oblige that time. When I turned the television on, all I can hear was deafening sounds while I watched a burning blue-white colored race car being reported over the screen.