“You’re not responsible for others’ feelings.”

He repeated it under his breath like a mantra, but it felt more like a prayer, a request for the words to settle themselves in beneath his skin and become a part of him and his psyche.

It sounded utterly preposterous to Hoseok. How could he not be responsible when what he said would affect people’s feelings? If he said something and they got hurt, it was probably his fault, and he was almost certain that it was something he’d done or said that caused Yoongi to suddenly pull away. But he couldn’t do anything about it as he was; already told to leave it alone by Yoongi himself. But why? Was it something he couldn’t talk to his soulmate about? He knew he himself had tried feigning nonchalance when they first met, saying they should just see how things went, no pressure as long as they were giving it half a chance (add a shrug, pretend not to hope). What a lie that had been.

The truth was, it hadn’t taken Hoseok long to become terrified at the idea of Yoongi leaving him, of saying he wanted someone better, someone more. Hoseok loved his quiet, lazy nature, his embarrassed way of showing affection, rare but heartfelt. But Hoseok struggled with those moments when he could almost tangibly feel Yoongi withdraw, like an eel slipping soundlessly back into the depths of its hole, deciding that the outer realms weren’t worth the risk of vulnerability. A slight change of expression or posture was all that it took to send Hoseok’s mind racing through his memories, scouring for a hint of what had been the cause. More often than not, he came up empty and frustrated. This was the annoying part, but he never felt himself pressed to the point of complaint, as worrying as it was to be the unaware cause of Yoongi’s pulling away. Unable to face that fear head-on without some sort of catalyst, he resigned himself to waiting for Yoongi to make a move first.

It came the day of Jin’s birthday party. As he was getting ready for class, he heard his phone vibrating, hidden among the mussed sheets of the bed, digging it out and swallowing nervously at the caller ID photo. Yoongi’s crooked, understated smile, the black face mask pulled down to cup his chin, the two fingers forming a salute with the raised hand that he wasn’t using to hold up his half-empty beer glass, and the paleness of his skin… it all combined to make a photo Hoseok had spent more than a few minutes lingering over, smiling and studying in rapturous contentment. He placed the phone to his ear and they exchanged brief hellos.

“What time are you out of class?” The question seemed normal enough, but for the fact that Yoongi never called him.

“Ah, well my class is supposed to end at 12:30, but we usually finish about 5-10 minutes early, and the prof lets us go,” Hoseok smiled, wondering if this meant Yoongi was coming back to him. It had been almost three whole days without seeing each other, with only required and carefully measured messages about the party being shared between them. Hoseok had felt increasingly empty with each hour that passed. He couldn’t imagine how emotion-share bond soulmates must feel, suddenly having the weight of two people’s loneliness bearing down on them.

“Okay, come over to my dorm when you’re finished.” Yoongi’s voice sounded strained, a rubber band pulled taut and ready to be released at any moment. The sound brought unrest to Jung Hoseok, who felt that he shouldn’t have hope and instead prepared himself for an ill-timed breakup and the resulting attempts to act like it hadn’t happened for the sake of Jin’s party. He walked to class in a haze, smiled as some friends of his greeted him, but instead, a dark fuzzy greyness had already formed, and he promised himself he wouldn’t cry at the end. It’s already over, isn’t it? Hoseok didn’t get much from his lecture that day, and he barely remembered walking to Yoongi’s dorm room.

He thought back to the first time he’d been here, shuffling indoors to collapse into Yoongi’s slight but beautifully soft frame, all cool fingertips and small limbs and plush belly, in sharp contrast to the sharp angles and lingering heat of Hoseok. Maybe he’d been too selfish, to think that his soulmate wanted him back. He took a breath to steady himself, but it did nothing to ease the dueling duo of nausea and achiness that dominated his chest. Best to just get it over with, he supposed. He knocked.

It took a few minutes for Yoongi to come to the door, and he looked like he had been preparing for Jin’s party. His hair was styled and his outfit of the kind that showed an easygoing look trying to appear like it had been achieved with less effort than it really was. A long jacket layered with dark material and his hands buried in the pockets of his black jeans set off the dapple grey and red scarf he had loosely wrapped around his neck. He let Hoseok in with barely a grunt of acknowledgement, sinking Hoseok’s heart even deeper, until he could almost feel it dragging on the stained carpet behind him.

“Been awhile since I was here,” Hoseok said, with a false cheer to his voice. He wasn’t going to cry, that was what he promised himself. But he also wasn’t going to rush to the end, either, some inner masochistic side of him wanting to prolong the moments where he didn’t have Yoongi’s rejection confirmed, a non-solid intent that hadn’t been morphed into a fact by passing through the boy’s lips. “You and Jin keep it pretty clean, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Where’s Jin now? Did he already head to the restaurant?”

“No, he’s got a class just before, but we had to get a reservation early, so he asked me to go grab our table. But we still have an hour until then.”

“Ah,” Hoseok replied, and a silence fell between them. Yoongi didn’t look nearly as uncomfortable as Hoseok felt, but he wasn’t going to admit it, trying his best to keep a placated smile on his lips. He hated the awkward silence - it felt like invisible arms had reached down and placed hands over his ears and mouth, muffling and staunching their communication, making him want to struggle and break free of that unseen weightiness in the air.

“Hoseok,” Yoongi said simply, and that was enough to make his heart rate speed up, betraying him. He let out a hum of acknowledgement, turning his body away from Yoongi so he could pick up a random textbook off the side table and rifle through it. He said Hoseok’s name again, but differently this time, with a newly added purpose to it, and made him look up, arching one eyebrow carefully in well-intended fake confusion. “We need to talk.”

He could play it off dumb, as if he didn’t know what was coming. Or he could pretend like he’d known all along and it wasn’t any big deal. Either of those would have been the better option, the safer ones. But instead, his palms started to sweat and he found himself mumbling only half-coherently.

“Please don’t.”

Fingertips wrapped around the edges of the pages, his fingernails digging in as if they were a life source. “I mean, whatever I did, I’m sorry and I won’t do it again.” He could feel his lip beginning to tremble in that annoying uncontrollable way, and he bit at it in a feeble attempt to stay the quivering. Yoongi was looking at him, but he couldn’t raise his head to meet his eyes.

“What?”

He glared down at his arms, crossing them against his chest and squeezing them together in order to give himself a little strength. “I said,” Hoseok began, finding his voice breaking with emotion, and having to clear his throat to start again. “I said, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did to make you angry at me, but I’m sorry. B-but I mean, if you really want to end things, that’s okay. I’ll respect that.” He took one shaky breath, then a second that sounded a little more normal, exhaling slowly and getting control back. His eyes were stinging, but he blinked it away half-successfully.

“Hoseok, I’m not mad at you. It’s….complicated.”

Giving a frown, Hoseok squeezed his arms closer together. “Complicated how?”

Yoongi swallowed, one hand tugging at his sleeve of his jacket, as if he was trying to stretch it out to cover his palms. “I just needed some space, that’s all. I’m not used to being with somebody so much.”

Hoseok stared for a moment, trying to process the words, but they weren’t computing. “So I was annoying you?”

“No. Well, yes and no.” Yoongi shifted awkwardly, and now Hoseok was sure he was avoiding looking his way. “I mean, no more than anyone else would?”

“What?”

“It’s like…” Yoongi paused, creating a wet little hiss sound as he in a half-breath of air, his hands twitching back and forth in an attempt to find the right gesture, the right word. “There’s a point to where everyone annoys me. It’s nothing they’re doing, I just...can’t...for awhile. Can’t be around people, can’t talk with them. Can’t….” The sentence trailed off, never receiving a proper conclusion. “I just needed a bit of a break.”

Hoseok wasn’t sure he understood, but he felt like an iron fist was squeezing at his lungs. “So I was annoying you...but just like how everybody annoys you?”

“Yeah? Well, not like annoys in the way you’re thinking. It’s more like, I’m tired of being around them.”

The words stung, and he visibly wilted. “...Tired of being around them?”

“No, no, not like that.” Yoongi waved one palm in front of Hoseok, sighing as he ran the other hand down his face in exasperation. “I told you, it’s complicated. It’s like...I just need to be alone sometimes. And it’s nothing against you, I just...have to disappear for awhile sometimes.”

He said it like it was the simplest thing in the world, him disappearing. Hoseok didn’t intend for his throat to feel so choked up, but unfortunately it came through in his voice. “I didn’t know you were tired of being around me and annoyed by me...I wish you’d just said so before.”

“Hoseok, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“But it is what you said.” Hoseok said. “And it’s been three days. Couldn’t you have just messaged me and said you needed some time to yourself?”

“Well, yeah, I guess, but--”

“But what? I would have respected your space. Unless you really think I’m that clingy and needy.”

“Hoseok. That’s not what I’m saying.” It was Yoongi’s turn for his voice to soak in some of the animosity cloud that hung in the air between them, darkening his words and souring his tone. “I don’t know how to ask for that time, or exactly when I need it, but I’m trying to tell you now and --”

“And maybe now I don’t want to hear it. I’m not stupid. I could tell you weren’t exactly a social butterfly, you know. But I don’t mind that. You should have just told me if you had a problem with me being around so much.”

“That’s what I’m trying to do right now, numbskull,” Yoongi snapped.

The jab made Hoseok halt in his tracks momentarily, blinking away the blurriness stinging his eyes as he fumed in his head without the right words forming to snap back with. Sure, he should have been able to tell Yoongi was irritated by him, tired of him, done with him. But he wasn’t the only one at fault here. Yoongi had deliberately kept silent when he should have told Hoseok there was a problem, instead of letting him continue to look foolish, falling more and more in love with the soft-faced, rough-voiced, grey-haired boy.

“I missed you,” Hoseok found himself saying, his voice crackling with emotion in an embarrassing way that had him sniffling into his wrist. “I missed you and you didn’t even tell me there was anything wrong. You said to leave it alone.”

Yoongi said nothing, looking straight into Hoseok’s face, studying him in all his sniveling glory, and Hoseok turned his head away at the continuing silence.

“But you,” Hoseok added, his tone bitter, “Didn’t miss me at all.”

“That’s not it,” Yoongi mumbled, “I just haven’t had enough time to miss you….”

Hoseok visibly winced. He was done. Yoongi moved forward, awkwardly reaching out for Hoseok’s sleeve, but he tugged it away. Instead of feeling angry he just felt like a little child.

“Don’t touch me,” he snapped. They stood quietly, each screaming unspoken words in their mind that wouldn’t escape - couldn’t escape. After several minutes of silence, Hoseok blinked again to clear his vision, sniffed, and said, “I’m still going to the party. For Jin. Don’t make this worse than it has to be.”

“Hoseok…”

He slammed the door on his way out. So much for giving Yoongi the free ticket to his Christmas dance recital.

~~~

Today was a good day, Jin could just feel it. The crisp cold weather caused the couples on the street to huddle closer to each other, and he buried his face into his scarf as best he could against the wind. There was the echo of a Christmas carol in the air, leaking out of some shop corner, and little flurries fluttered their way to the ground and entangled in the ends of his hair. It was his birthday, after all, it had to be a good day, right? It just felt lucky somehow.

He walked up to the restaurant and found Jungkook at the doorstep. Waiting for him. He was leaning against the doorjamb, his hands in his pockets and a thick black scarf pulled up nearly to his nose as he looked down at the ground, a dark leather messenger bag tucked over one shoulder. Jin smiled.

“Jungkook-ah!” He called out cheerfully, making the boy look up. Had he styled his hair differently today? It looked like he had made some different sort of effort with it, the bangs swooped over in a wide, dark curve, leaving a large circle of his pale forehead peeking through that Jin found immediately distracting. He looked older today, somehow. His jaw was sharper, his lips darker, his eyes more defined and focused. Don’t think too hard on it, Seokjin. Just remember, you’re the older one, so you have to be responsible. Let Jungkook set his own pace here.

And somewhere in the back of his mind, Yoongi’s words echoed. What if you don’t have to? Have you asked him?

“Jin-hyung,” Jungkook said quietly, his lips curved up into that quiet smile that Jin liked so well. The shy, genuine one that made the skin just under his eyes bunch up just slightly, and the apples of his cheeks lift into prominence. “Happy birthday.”

Jin smiled so broadly that his eyes nearly shut with the effort, his chest filled with warmth. A hopefully little spark in the back of his brain concluded that Jungkook had waited outside so he could give Jin birthday wishes before the others. He tilted his head to the side, enjoying the sensation of feeling so cared for. Okay, so maybe he had to be the older, mature, responsible one. But when it came down to it, Jin liked to be spoiled, especially on a day like his birthday. “Thanks! You look nice today.”

Jungkook buried his face further into his scarf, following after Jin into the restaurant. The others had already arrived, since Jin was the only one with a class period just before, and they called out warm, smiling greetings as they joined the reserved table. Jin slid his shoulders out of his long tan overcoat, left in a grey sweatshirt which scooped low and wide across the skin of his collarbone, set off by a long silver necklace his friend Ken had given him last Christmas. The necklace got caught on one of the buttons of the jacket, and he laughed through his greetings and small talk with Hoseok as he awkwardly tried to untangle it. After a moment, a pair of hands moved in to help unhook him, and Jin looked up in surprise at the taut expression on Jungkook’s face, mere inches from his own.

“Thanks,” Jin mumbled, his face heating up at the close proximity that Jungkook didn’t normally invade of his own volition, the backs of his hands brushing up against the skin of Jin’s shoulder. Now that his bulky tent-like jacket was off, Jin could see that Jungkook had made even more efforts than just styling his hair. The normally skater-boy casual style had been replaced by a sincere effort to dress up, and Jin could only think of one logical reason as to why. He was wearing form-fitting black jeans with thick patches sewn into them, and a striped sweater with drop stitches scattered all over it, revealing increasingly large areas of skin that showed he was obviously not wearing anything underneath. Won’t he be cold in just that? Jin wanted to mentally shake himself, so he turned his head to deliberately look past Jungkook to Yoongi, asking if they had ordered the first round of drinks yet. He could feel Jungkook’s eyes flickering up to his face as he released Jin from his necklace prison, but he couldn’t afford to glance back to see what kind of expression he had. Jin hadn’t mentally prepared himself for this sort of silent gesture.

But even though he had purposefully kept his hopes low, not dared to hope for these sort of small movements from Jungkook, he still had the underlying suspicion that this wasn’t the high point - that Jungkook was building up to something more.

Jungkook slid into the seat next to him wordlessly, pressed up against his thigh and didn’t allow for anyone else the chance to sit next to the birthday boy. Jin’s smile faltered for a second from pure surprise (and perhaps a little breathlessness), but he recovered as he reached to take the menu from Taehyung, who was bickering with Jimin about what flavor dessert they should share.

“Shouldn’t we have drinks and food before we think about dessert?” Hoseok laughed, half-chiding the younger two in a motherly tone.

“But this is mochi ice cream. And besides, we’re adults. We can eat in whatever order we want!” Taehyung boasted, then glanced over at Jin and added, “...Right?”

“Well,” Jin smirked, perusing the menu and trying to smoothly ignore the way Jungkook was leaning in so close to read that his chin was resting lightly on Jin’s shoulder. “Since it’s my birthday, we can call it a study in food science. We’ll call it ‘the experiment to find out if meat’s tastes are better with the lingering coolness of ice cream on our tongues.’” Taehyung and Jimin whooped in glee and went back to their flavor debate, which ultimately had to end in an arm wrestle.

“Wow, that’s quite a title you’ve got there,” Namjoon teased.

“It’s genius, right? I’m a food science expert by this point,” Jin laughed, feigning cockiness and making the others roll their eyes in amusement. “I think I’ll try the melon flavor…” He took the risk of glancing over at Jungkook, who was still inspecting the menu. Don’t get your hopes up, be the responsible one. “What about you, Jungkook?”

“...I’ll have melon, too.”

Jin paused a moment, nodding quietly, wondering if there was something to read into there. “Jimin? What’s the verdict from you two?”

“Strawberry!” Jimin screeched with laughter, as Taehyung was tickling under his soulmate’s chin, teeth bared in a boxy smile. Jin smirked, holding out the menu to Namjoon and Kiara next. As the two of them leaned in close together to look at the flavor and drink options, Jin glanced over at Hoseok and Yoongi, who were surprisingly not all over each other. In fact, it almost looked like Hoseok was in pain, his lips pinched together in a strange shape, his shoulders hunched forward as he leaned in to listen to the conversation between Jimin and Taehyung. Yoongi was still wearing his jacket and scarf, and his face was not its normal kind of blankness as he stared languidly at the napkin holder.

Jin’s brow furrowed, trying to think back if there had been any indication earlier of something off between the two of them, but he couldn’t think of anything particularly off. Since he was sitting across from Yoongi, he lifted his booted foot under the table and kicked lightly at Yoongi’s shin until the boy looked up. Jin gave a pointed glance toward Hoseok, arching an eyebrow in question while the rest of the table was preoccupied. Yoongi gave the smallest of shrugs in response, looking back down at the table wordlessly. He made a mental note to ask Yoongi about it later, perhaps at the illumination.

The mochi ice cream turned out to be just as good as the boys had been hoping, and Jin gleefully joined in on the exhalations over the dessert with the others. Even Jungkook seemed more involved and spirited, cracking jokes as they ordered round after round of food and laughing openly. They all decided that the lingering ice cream taste only heightened their enjoyment of the meat, but the sweetness was over too soon. At the very end, Hoseok slipped out and brought back a cake, lit up with candles, getting everyone to sing happy birthday. Jin let out a little cry of happiness, hiding his face behind his hands before blowing out the candles.

~~

“On to the illumination!” Taehyung sang in a wavery low tune, tugging Jimin along behind him. The entrance to the park, which was normally black from the lack of light of ineffective street lights, was now glowing a beautiful blue-ish hue from the large archway that glowed into the night. At some point along the way, Jungkook had slunk up to Jin’s side, and while it made him smile, it also made him somewhat nervous. The first half an hour was a slow, gentle stroll with the others, trying to take half-decent photos together in the strange contrasting light. Giant light-up dragons and elaborate doves hung from trees, pathways twinkled with dim orange bulbs, and everything was accentuated with the lightly falling snow, too light to stick for long beneath their feet.

It was probably ten or fifteen minutes before Jin noticed that the others had vanished further down the path without him, and when he looked around to find them, he found only Jungkook at his side, watching him curiously. His stomach clenched a little more tightly.

“Jin,” was all Jungkook said, a large Christmas tree made up entirely of a blanket of white lights shining behind him, casting the boy’s face in shadow. Jin knew he should make a joke or pull away, give Jungkook space (would that be for Jungkook’s sake, or his own, though?) but no words came out of his mouth, his lips only parting wordlessly. Jungkook reached out and took hold of Jin’s sleeve, slowly pulling him closer before looping his wrist around Jin’s elbow.

“Yes?”

“Can…” he started slowly, as if testing out waters in the snowy air between them. “Will you take a photo with me?”

Jin smiled, “Of course!” Jungkook pulled out his cell phone, flipping on the camera with fingers that looked like they were shaking, and Jin moved in to lean against Jungkook’s shoulder ever so gingerly. He held up a peace sign to match Jungkook’s as they shifted a little awkwardly, finding the right lighting with the Christmas tree behind them after a few moments. Jin smiled up into the camera, planning to look into the lens but his gaze getting shifted over to the main screen of the phone, seeing Jungkook’s eyes smiling up over the edge of his scarf. He looked happy. Jin’s smile became a little less forced, a little less controlled, and he heard Jungkook exhale, felt his hot breath against his cheek, saw the tiny puff of cloud that trickled down in the corner of his vision, and the camera went off.

“Nice,” Jin said, standing fully upright and stepping a bit away from Jungkook, already congratulating himself on not making things too awkward. “I wonder where the others--”

“I have something for you.” Jungkook shifted the messenger bag on his shoulder over, reaching in and pulling out a leather binding, opening it and holding it out. It only had a few pages in it, but each page was laminated, encasing at least a dozen different drawings of hands. Familiar, unique, strange hands. Jin’s hands. They reached across the corners of the page, long and lanky and expressive. He could see the gestures he used when he was writing, when he was talking excitedly, when he clenched his fist in frustration. There was nothing else on the page but hands, but still he could almost place each moment that had been captured in the light, careful lines Jungkook had created.

He had really meant it when he said he wanted to draw them. Jin felt his chest constrict and his guts do a flip, the kind you feel when you can feel someone’s attention has been on you, lovingly. Looking at each of the sketches in turn, he felt like he could see a small part of the way Jungkook saw him, the way he looked in Jungkook’s eyes. Jin raised his gaze up until they were watching each other for a long moment, then sighed, a smile blossoming on his lips. “God....thank you. This means so much to me, Jungkook. They’re...they’re beautiful…”

“I only gave you the best ones,” Jungkook murmured, peering over the edge of the binder.

“Wow…” Jin breathed, not knowing what else to say. Still a little withdrawn into each line of graphite on the page, he sat down on a nearby bench, holding up the pad so he could see it in the light of the display behind them.

“...And Jin?” Jungkook was sitting next to him, leaning in closer than Jin expected him to be when he looked up. “If you want, you can… I mean…”

Jin’s lips were a little parted as he moved to speak, but was cut off as Jungkook leaned forward, catching his mouth against Jin’s. He could taste the chapstick that kept Jungkook’s lips soft against the harsh winter air, and he took in a sharp inhale as his brain registered that it was Jungkook making the first movement at last, and that his hands were on Jin’s shoulders, pulling him forward into the kiss. Jin hesitated, flailing deep within the back of his mind for all the excuses he’d been using to keep himself at arm’s length with Jungkook. His reasons for waiting, for being patient. But they all seemed rather silly and useless now, since Jungkook was pressing his hot breath in between Jin’s lips, making Jin want to curl up into the sensation and hide there for the rest of the winter. The worried, impatient way Jungkook worked against his mouth told him in no uncertain terms that Jungkook didn’t want to wait or ‘be responsible.’ Or whatever stupid excuses for hiding Jin had been giving himself. The electricity-like jolts that stung at their skin, reminding him that this was his soulmate, after all, crumbled the last bit of lame resolve he’d been clinging onto. Jin reached forward, the leather binder slipping into a delicate balance between their thighs as he scooped his palm around the back of Jungkook’s neck, twisted his head to the side and reciprocated properly. Their teeth knocked briefly against each other’s, and Jin’s other hand found its way into the bottom hem of Jungkook’s jacket, nuzzled its way beneath the striped sweater, his cold fingertips finally making contact against the hot skin of Jungkook’s hip. He smiled into the kiss as he felt Jungkook involuntarily withdraw at the shock of cold, not expecting it. After diving back in for a moment, Jungkook pulled away, laying his hand against Jin’s chest as if to warn him he needed to pause.

“You wanted to kiss me the night you slept over,” Jungkook said, his voice almost a broken whisper. Jin flushed, biting his lip. “I just want you to know that you could have.”

“I know… I mean, I think I knew.” Jin’s eyes flickered away from Jungkook’s face, as if guilty of something, even though Jungkook hadn’t spoken accusingly. “I just don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“Thanks,” Jungkook smirked, quirking an eyebrow. “But I already have a mother. What I’m looking for is my soulmate.”

Jin smiled. “Well, I think that can be arranged…” He leaned in, pursed lips first, but to his chagrin Jungkook pushed him back again, jabbing a finger at Jin’s chest.

“I left you one more surprise…” Jungkook said, at first his eyes over Jin’s shoulder but gradually moving to meet his gaze pointedly. “But it’s too cold to show you now.”

Into the crisp December air, Jin laughed. He thought back to the little drawing he'd once found on his hip, and his gut clenched pleasantly with anticipation. Jungkook was always going to surprise him, in his own quiet, gentle ways, wasn’t he?