“Jungkook, I think you should see this,” Yoongi whispered, slipping an envelope across the table to the boy. Jungkook looked up, in the midst of pressing the purplish-pink flowers into the hardbacked cover of Yoongi’s copy of Demian.

“What is it?”

“It’s a letter that Jin wrote.” He paused, “About you.”

The boy scrambled to open the letter, unfolding it with shaking hands.

To Jin.

It’s strange to write a letter to myself, right? But I don’t know what ‘Jin’ will be like after the surgery, or how different I’m going to be. Will I remember my feelings, will they just be gone? Or will it be like loving him never happened? I’m not sure. So I’m writing this to that new ‘Jin’ that I don’t know.

Whatever you may feel now, you love Jeon Jungkook. Don’t forget that. You love how innocent he looks, barefaced and sleepy. You love how hard he is to wake up in the morning. You love when he can’t figure out his feelings and his eyes glass over, and you can tell he is swimming in his own emotions, directionless. You love how hard he works, how he wants to prove himself. You loved him since you met him, and that doesn’t change, even if they tried to physically remove it from you, it will always be there, deep in your chest, inside the real ‘Jin.’

It would have been better if he’d never known, but it’s too late for that, now. He was never going to love you, anyways, not like this, so at least try to be a good hyung. Without my love, I’m not sure if I’ll find it as easy to pull him close, or notice little things like when he is feeling tired or scared, but I hope I do. Even without loving him, I hope I care enough to notice these things. He may push me away, now that he knows I fell in love with him once, but I still want to try. Eventually, he might forget about my feelings, and then I can support him wholeheartedly at last.

To the ‘Jin’ of the future, please do your best.

Jungkook sniffed, his chest constricting so suddenly that he laid his palm against his throat, trying to breathe normally. “Why didn’t I know?” His voice was strained and crackled.

“If it makes you feel better, I didn’t know, either,” Yoongi whispered, with a wry smile. “Turns out he’s as good an actor as he boasted.”

“But...what if I had--?”

Yoongi opened his mouth to respond, but the nurse came back in, calling their names. She looked tired, but she gave them a little smile. “He made it. We almost lost him twice, but he pulled through. “

Jungkook exhaled, then in a voice barely audible, he asked, “And the flowers…?”

~~

Jin opened his eyes when he felt Jungkook slip his hand into his own. The maknae looked worn out, eyes pleading him in silent question. Jin tried to give him a smile.

“Sorry, I’m really tired…” he sighed. His whole body felt like it had been dragged through the dirt for hours. He was sore and weakened.

“Hyung,” Jungkook had a look of determination on his face. “Do you still…?”

“Don’t worry so much, Kookie, I’ll be alright. They’ll have me do the second surgery to get the rest as soon as I’ve recovered a little, so--”

“Hyung, did the surgery work?”

“What?”

“Do you still love me?”

Jin’s mouth fell open at Jungkook’s directness, but he couldn’t answer. Jungkook scooted closer, setting the letter down in Jin’s lap.

“If you don’t love me anymore, read this. Read it and remember and please love me again. And this time, make me fall in love with you back.”

He bit his lip, staring at the younger. “Jungkook, don’t say things like that. Be serious.” He had known from the moment he’d woken up that the surgery had failed. The thought of Jungkook’s smile, the gleam in his eyes when their gazes met, still made his heart flutter painfully. Perhaps the surgery had taken away his last ray of hope, but it hadn’t removed his love. As he had suspected, Jungkook had crawled in more deeply into his heart than had been anticipated, and it would take more than one surgery to extricate his feelings.

“I am serious.” He stood up, leaned across the hospital bed, and pressed his lips to Jin’s cheek. His lips were soft and gentle against him, and Jin let out a little sigh. For the first time in forever, Jin’s breathlessness was caused by something warm and pleasant, rather than choking and cold. His eyes squeezed shut, relinquishing tears that fell down his cheeks. He felt like his heart had now burst completely, and he would die any minute now; because there was no way this was reality. Jungkook was the first one to pull away.

“I’m sorry, just give me a little more time,” Jungkook whispered. “Give me a little more time to fall in love with you.”

“Jungkook, I don’t want you to feel guilty for me. You can’t force yourself to love me back, you know.”

“I’m not forcing myself to do anything,” Jungkook snapped, his eyes flashing. “How could I return your feelings if I never knew about them!? How could I fall in love with you if I didn’t even know that was a possibility!? You have to give me time, Jin.”

His lips parted in surprise as he stared up at the younger boy. He had a point. That was the thing about secretly loving someone - it was something you did alone. Jungkook was still young, and as always when it came to his feelings, Jungkook needed more processing time than some people. Jin smiled softly. “Okay. I’ll wait a little longer.”

Jungkook lifted his free hand and placed a single purple and white lily into Jin’s hand.

~~

Despite what he promised, time was something Jin didn’t seem to have much of. There were long, painful arguments about what was best for him, about going ahead with the surgery. He had already signed off on it, after all. Jin already struggled to keep any food down, and he was coughing up blood pretty regularly, but he asked to be allowed to go home. Jungkook, who had previously been the loudest advocate for getting Jin the surgery that could save his life, now remained silent, his determined gaze locked on Jin for the duration of the meeting. It was a feeling Jin was unused to, and it made it hard for him to defend himself. He wouldn’t be allowed to go home, but they would put off the second surgery as long as possible. The only time they would give him was the time allotted for his body to recover enough to go in for a second surgery. Which could be a couple days or a couple weeks, depending.

In the meantime, Jungkook practically lived in the hospital. The others came too, of course, and soon his room was filled with strange gifts and paraphernalia from the kids. At one point Taehyung even tried to sneak in a puppy he had borrowed from their neighbor(“You did ask first, right?!”), and almost got banned from visiting. It became routine for them to visit between the few hours after practice and before bed, and even though the time was short and they were often smelly and exhausted, he felt like the atmosphere was somehow lighter each day. After everyone said their goodbyes, Jungkook would crawl up onto the tiny hospital bed and curl himself under the blankets, shivering. They would sit there, Jin running his hand through the younger’s hair, and talk. It was usually about random things, like the postponed comeback, or the new song Namjoon was working on, or something funny they’d found online. Sometimes, Jungkook asked questions he normally wouldn’t have.

“When did you start to love me?” Jungkook asked on the fifth night, his voice low.

Jin pursed his lips, stifling another cough. “I don’t know, actually. It just sort of happened. I think it was before debut, though.”

Jungkook let out a contemplative little “Mmm..” sound, his fingers tracing patterns. He felt like Jin had been looking out for him in all sorts of ways, while he swam blindly beneath a convoluted ocean of coming of age in the spotlight. It wasn’t something he would trade for the world. But it had definitely made life complicated more often than not.

There were many things he wanted to ask Jin, but they all felt self-indulgent and ill-fitting, considering the circumstances. But somehow, Jin sensed it, kissing the top of his head.

“I like moments like these,” he whispered to the boy. “When we can just be close. I like being someone you can feel safe with.”

Jungkook made a little sound to show that he liked it, too. They lay there for a moment, not saying anything. Jungkook found his head swimming with lyrics that he thought suited their situation, and they made him want to cry again. Jin coughed heavily for a few moments, interrupting their thoughts. The elder brushed the lily aside and reached for his water, his voice drier than he’d ever heard it in his life.

“Tomorrow after my checkup, they may tell me to go in for the surgery,” Jin said quietly. Asking without asking.

Do you love me yet, Jungkook?

But he still didn’t know. How frustrating to be hanging on the edge of a deathly precipice, knowing as little about his own feelings as if he were a stranger to himself. If he could rush his feelings along, wouldn’t that be best? But he couldn’t. It was something oddly in and out of his control, all at once.

“I don’t know yet, though. I think I might love you. All I know is that I don’t want you to leave, no matter what.”

“Hm.” Jin murmured, returning to his previous activity of running his hands through Jungkook’s hair. “A hopelessly romantic part of me hopes that, if I have to get the surgery, that I could fall in love with you again, and give you plenty of time.”

Jungkook nodding, understanding the feeling, but not quite as lost in the fantasy as the elder. He shifted, then, sitting up on the bed and facing Jin. “Hyung,” he started out confidently but when Jin’s eyes locked with his own, he felt his pulse quicken with the hope that was glowing there. The tiny trace of hope that was easily overpowered by the sorrowful look of Jin already preparing himself for the worst case scenario. His voice lost its steadiness. He was going to sound so selfish. “T-Tell me how you love me.”

Jin tilted his head to the side. “It’s not something so easily said, I think.” He smiled. “Haven’t you ever heard of ‘showing instead of telling’? Sometimes, words don’t cut it.”

“T-then show me.” Jungkook his lips nervously, but he was determined to find an answer for himself.

The elder stared at him for a moment, his eyes uncertain if he could assume what the doe-eyed boy meant. “...Jungkook?”

He shifted on the bed until they were closer. Jungkook didn’t say it aloud, but something about the set of his shoulders, the expression on his face, did it for him. Kiss me. This may be our last chance.

Jin leaned forward, cupping Jungkook’s face in his long, knobbly hands. Before doing anything else, he just stared at Jungkook, making the boy’s eyes shift around anxiously under his gaze. He was starting to get an idea of what Jin meant - he could hear Jin in his head calling him beautiful, saying he loved him. But the words alone didn’t quite cover what Jin’s eyes were conveying. It seemed like there was a lot more that words were simply inadequate for. Jin tilted his head, pressing his lips to Jungkook’s gently, as if treasuring him, even now. It wasn’t Jungkook’s first kiss, but it was his first kiss with Jin, so his stomach was still doing nervous flips and shifts, trying to stay in his chest. He felt scared, honestly speaking, under the strength of Jin’s feelings for him. He wondered if his own would ever compare, if he could treat the elder as gently as he’d been treated.

Somewhere in this line of thought, without plan or calculation, Jungkook was kissing Jin back. He leaned forward until Jin was pressed back against the pillows, his hands threading into the elder’s pink hair and tugging his mouth closer. How was it even possible that he could feel Jin’s surprise through a kiss? But he did, nonetheless, and then the following sigh of happiness as Jin finally let himself enjoy the moment unabashedly. Were kisses something that could let one feel the other’s emotions? (If so, could Jin tell Jungkook about his own, like a reflection in a mirror?)

He could have died before we ever had a chance to try this, Jungkook thought with a flash of fear, as he felt tears escaping his closed eyes. Wanting to see what it would be like, how he would feel at a simple kiss, that unknown had been tugging painfully at his chest for the last week. But Jin had been withholding that question for years, without giving any indication. How the hell had he pulled it off?

Jin pressed in more deeply, his hands wrapping around Jungkook’s waist as Jungkook let out a little noise of surprise at the sudden sensation of Jin’s tongue in his mouth. This moment, this taste, was the difference between being makeshift band-mates/family and being more, something that had lingered beneath the surface in wait for a long time. Jungkook realized that, now. Loving someone, it was impossible to avoid being vulnerable. Jin could hate him someday, he could hate Jin. He could be the reason Jin died at any moment. He could hate himself for letting Jin suffer, or be bitter that Jin had hidden his feelings for so long. Or he could just love him and let himself be vulnerable, as Jin had been able to do.

I... I do love you, Jin. I’m sorry it took so long.

They pulled away, a light wet sound as their lips parted, and Jungkook blinked at Jin for a long moment. The elder had been crying, and he still looked so beautiful, weakened and pale and tired as he was. Jungkook had been envious of Jin’s looks for a long time. If one could call it envy now. The boy smiled a little, watching Jin’s tears continue to fall and his swollen lips come together and part again. His expression fell when Jin laid a hand on his chest.

“What is it?” Jungkook’s worry was evident in his tone. No, no, not now! Please not now!

“I...it feels different now,” Jin gasped, coughing again. “You have to say it again, Jungkook, but you have to say it out loud this time.”

“W-what? What are you talking about?”

Jin smiled sadly at Jungkook, more tears falling. “If you don’t say it out loud, over and over again, I won’t believe you. I can’t believe you. I’ll think I’m making it up or that you’re just feeling sorry for me, that this was just because of guilt.”

“It’s...it’s not, really it’s not,” Jungkook mumbled, his voice coming out more childlike and whiny than he intended. He gripped at the front of Jin’s hospital gown. “I promise.”

But when he didn’t answer, not the way Jin was asking for, the elder just sighed, the breath turning into another coughing fit. Resignation. It was the ugliest expression on Jin. “It’s okay, Jungkook. It’s better not to lie, even for my sake...”

“I’ll say it,” Jungkook snapped, not intending to sound so dramatic about it, but he felt like his head was starting to spin, and he felt dizzy. “I’ll say it every day, Jin. I love you.”

“Jungkook, I--”

“I love you! I made up my mind and you can’t convince me otherwise!” He pulled at Jin’s gown again, yanking him into another kiss that was much less delicate and tender and more crushing and desperate. “I love you! I love you! I love you for loving me, for not pushing me, for being willing to die for me, for always taking care of me. I love you for your pretty face and your stupid jokes and your bland cooking and your quiet personality. I love you, Jin!”

Jin stared at him, mouth agape. Jungkook decided that Jin was definitely right - sometimes words didn’t cut it.

But it didn’t hurt to give them a try.

~~

The checkup took longer than usual, because Jungkook had been attached to Jin like a koala ever since the first ‘I love you,’ and refused to leave him. The nurse just arched an eyebrow at the two of them in question, and then gaped at the x-ray.

“One...one moment, please.” She ran off, to go get the doctor, Jin presumed. He smirked down at Jungkook, who was back to sitting in his lap, his head tucked up underneath Jin’s chin and his arms wrapped around him, half-asleep.

He kissed the boy’s head, and even in his half-doze, Jungkook whispered, “I love you…” It made Jin’s chest warm and swell with happiness.

It took longer than Jin thought necessary for the doctor to come back and inform him that the flowers were receding. He was already in the safe zone.

Later that afternoon, they were waiting by the entrance to the hospital, Jungkook pushing Jin’s wheelchair out to the front door. The kids would be here soon to pick them up and take them home.

“I love you,” Jungkook let out in a little half-groan, stretching forward to cuddle against Jin’s back. Since that morning he had said the words in a hundred different ways, testing out how the words felt on his lips like an exploration. Jin didn’t answer - he couldn’t. He was so happy his chest hurt. Jin coughed again, and the last of the lilies floated down into his lap, small and wilted.

Somehow, he thought that they were the most beautiful ones he had produced.