You don’t get to choose who you love.

Seokjin thought back to elementary school, when kids still played ‘marriage’ and the squabbles over who would be the bride and who would be the groom were petty and quickly resolved. ‘No, I get to be the husband because I’m taller,’ and that’s all it would take. Simple.

But also meaningless.

He had experienced crushes before, and this wasn’t it at all. This was something much deeper, and by default of the situation, much more painful. At first, it was something he kept to himself, like a precious artifact locked away in his chest. He was careful never to make his feelings obvious, both for the sake of keeping his own vulnerable feelings safe, as well as to let things remain as they were. Before he had even come to terms with the fact that this was real, true, unavoidable love, he had already decided he would never tell anyone. Besides, wasn’t there something beautiful about carrying around a secret love? An unrequited love without any real hope, just the fake, make-believe hope he could allow himself to turn around in his mind late at night, when no one was awake to interrupt him. He liked keeping the secret to himself, he would lie to the emptiness. He liked feeling that false hope whenever their hands would touch or their eyes would meet, or his voice called out Jin’s name.

But his heart had other plans.

The first time was late one night. He was scrolling through his phone, checking the group’s Twitter comments and covering his mouth with one hand to stifle the giggles threatening to bubble out at some of the hilarious memes that ARMYs came up with. He thought about going to see if Jungkook was still up, and showing him some of the edited images about himself. He could barely breathe from laughter, but he was trying not to wake the sleeping Yoongi beside him. A tickle developed in his throat, then, and he coughed, rolling over onto his side and covering up the light of the phone with the edge of the blanket. His curled hand fell to the pillow, and that was when he saw something in his palm. A single white petal, long and thin and angular. His brow furrowed in confusion. Had that been in the bed before? He wasn’t sure, but it seemed like a strange thing to have in their room.

He coughed again, and this time he noticed the slight thick feeling at the back of his throat, as if he was dislodging something. His coughing intensified, until two more creme-white petals were on the pillow. That’s weird. It wasn’t like he had a habit of eating flowers, despite the others teasing that Jin would eat anything and everything. He waited, his fingertips brushing against the edge of the petals in the harsh cellphone light, but no more coughs came that night. Eventually, he fell asleep, deciding somewhere in the back of his mind to file away the incident as a strange one-time occurrence.

~~

The second time was during practice. They were in the midst of warm-ups, and Jin was determined to work extra hard today on the spin jump they had in their routine. You can do it, Jin. Just pretend it’s a new move Mario has in the new game or something. He reached over to stretch his back, and something caught in his chest, causing him to have a short coughing fit. He thought nothing of it, until he pulled back out of his stretch and saw the two little petals on the ground, looking as innocent as could be. His eyes widened, and without thinking as to why, he picked up the petals and shoved them into the pocket of his basketball shorts. Something instinctively told him that he shouldn’t show the others, although he was inwardly freaking out. People don’t just cough up flowers. It was weird, it was something he had never heard of. Which meant it was probably something bad. And right now, with their comeback looming so close on the horizon, this was the worst time to have something unheard of and bad.

“Hyung, we’re gonna start with a run-through of the new song, but later on, let’s work on the last chorus a little together, okay?” Hoseok chirruped, walking over to him with Jimin and Jungkook in tow. He smiled at them both. The three of them had been so good to him, putting in extra practice time to help teach him and keep Jin caught up with the rest of them. It was tough, being in a group with members who were so talented, and he hated feeling like a burden on the others. But rather than looking down on him (although of course teasing him playfully was too good an opportunity to pass up, which they did often) they often came to him with tips and encouragement. When it came down to it, Jin felt unbelievably lucky - only spurring on his determination to work harder.

He felt that cough coming back up into the back of his throat, but he stifled the sensation and nodded at the youngers. They went through the new song for the next hour, and Jin was sweating and breathing hard by the time they got a decent break. He leaned against the far wall, his arms crossed against his chest as he leaned his head back, trying to rest. The youngest three were still in the middle of the dance floor, Jungkook being taunted yet again by Jimin and Taehyung, pulling him into their impromptu dance competition. How they were so full of energy still, Jin could never tell, but watching them made his chest flutter with affection. He went to take a drink from his water bottle and half-coughed, half-gagged. It took him a few moments to notice the crumpled petal that had found its way into his bottle, floating delicately on the surface of the water. His eyes widened, and he stood up quickly, rushing to the bathroom past the three oblivious boys and having to cover his mouth as another fit of coughing overcame him.

He was getting really worried now, as he looked at the toilet with its half a dozen petals floating around. They looked so pretty and soft, but to Jin it was a harsh accusation, a bittersweet image. This wasn’t just some fluke or random happenstance. Something was really wrong, even though he didn’t know what. His hands started to shake, and his chest felt heavy. He clutched at his shirt, gripping at the material and the clammy skin underneath as if he could stave off the pain that was increasing with every breath. He knew he was having a minor panic attack on the bathroom floor, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. His mind was a tornado of possible theories, and none of them ending well. After a few moments of allowing himself to freak out, Jin carded his hand through his hair, pushing the brightly dyed pink bangs away from his face. He started to force his breathing to steady, counting out the seconds like he’d done in acting classes. His hand reached out and flushed the toilet, removing the evidence. Calm down, Jin. You’re going to be just fine. Just make it through today, just through this practice, and then you can tell the manager about it. He’ll know what to do.

Walking past the other members, he went to his bag and came back with a white disposable face mask, slipping it on before returning to his spot in the formation, where the others were waiting for him.

“What took you so long?” Namjoon queried from Jin’s right, arching an eyebrow. Jin just shook his head, sending him a little smile even though he could only tell from the way Jin’s eyes scrunched up slight from above the mask.

For the rest of practice, Jin’s coughing came back in short bursts, always giving him a minor heart attack, even though he knew the petals were concealed and contained under the mask. During each following break, he went first to the bathroom and dumped them out into the toilet before returning to the practice room. If the others thought his frequent bathroom breaks were strange, they didn’t give any indication, just chatting amongst themselves as they always did. Even during the extra practice with the kids, Jin was somehow able to focus and do well during the dance practice, even earning honest praise from the dancing line.

Part of Jin was kind of heartbroken, though, as if he had gotten too good at hiding his pain. He exhaled heavily as soon as they were officially, finally released for the night, clearing his throat a little as he bent to pick up his things. When he straightened up, he jumped half a foot in surprise at the sight of Yoongi standing close and glaring at him.

“Holy crap, Yoongi, don’t scare me like that,” Jin laid a hand on his chest, coughing a little and chuckling. Yoongi used to seem really intimidating to the older boy, but Jin knew it was just the boy’s natural expression. ...Or was it? He actually seemed irritated this time, making Jin pause.

“Hyung.” Yoongi narrowed his eyes, staring up at Jin with his lips pressed together in a tight line. The elder’s pulse quickened, and he wondered if he had been found out. With practiced calm, Jin arched an eyebrow, about to ask for an explanation, when they were called out to the van by a hungry and irritable Taehyung.

Jin shrugged his backpack over his shoulder, heading outside and followed closely by a silent Yoongi. He didn’t say anything for the rest of the evening, and Jin soon forgot about it, joining in on the dinner outing with the others, joking around like usual. He even forgot about the petals for a couple of hours, until he got to their room and was about to remove the mask. He felt the light brush of a petal crushed against his lip, and then he remembered, his fingers frozen along the edge of the itchy fabric. He cleared his throat, lowering his hand and turning to go to the bathroom when he saw Yoongi standing in the doorway, effectively blocking his path.

“Hyung.”

“What?” Jin asked, his voice sounded more irritated than he meant it to sound, due to his panic. “Hyung what? I gotta go to the bathroom, so make it quick.”

Before he could stop him, Yoongi reached up and yanked the mask down below Jin’s chin, the handful of white petals trickling down from where they had been concealed and dropping lightly to the floor. The two of them stared at the petals at their feet, not saying anything for a long time. Jin wasn’t sure if there was anything he could say. It was such a bizarre situation, he was at a complete loss.

Yoongi blinked at the petals for a moment, then looked up at Jin. “You’re coughing up petals.”

Jin shifted awkwardly. “Uh...yeah.. I am.”

Yoongi let out a sigh, as though all the weight of the world had been dropped onto his shoulders. “Hanahaki byou.” The words were completely foreign to Jin - literally.

“Huh?”

“You have Hanahaki disease...” Yoongi looked up into Jin’s eyes, and the elder could have sworn he saw pain in Yoongi’s gaze.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Yoongi. What is Hanahaku or whatever?”

“It’s a disease where someone coughs up petals. It’s caused by unrequited love.”

Jin blinked. “You’re making this up.”

Yoongi snarled, the sound he only made when he wasn’t being taken seriously. Jin retreated backwards, giving a little cough as another tiny petal crept its way past his lips.

“You can deny it if you want, but flowers don’t normally come out of humans, do they?!” he snapped, pointing down at the little pile on the floor. “How long has this been going on?!”

“Um…” Jin played with the edges of the mask for a moment. “I coughed up the first petals last night?”

“You’re going to the doctor tomorrow. It’s only going to get worse.” Yoongi stated. It wasn’t a question or a suggestion. He knelt down to pick up the petals, and Jin followed, helping. They shoved the petals into a cardboard box in Jin’s wastebasket before getting ready for bed. Jin felt shamed into silence - he hadn’t said anything because he didn’t want to worry the others, but he could tell Yoongi was really on edge and angry. He seemed to know quite a bit about whatever this flower disease was, and he wasn’t happy about it. It wasn’t until they were lying in bed in the dark that Jin ventured to ask about the biggest thing that was replaying in his mind.

“Yoongi? You didn’t ask me who it is.”

The younger boy grunted into his pillow. He didn’t answer, and eventually, Jin fell asleep.

~~

The next morning started off normal, but just as Jin had feared, it became tumultuous once it was declared that Yoongi and Jin would be going to the hospital instead of morning practice. The sudden interrogations and concern on all the members’ faces was hardly stilled by Jin’s reassurances that he was fine, coughing lightly from behind his mask. It was hard to say goodbye to them, waving and trying to smile at their worried expressions, as though he was abandoning them completely. He got into the van and was silent all through the reprimands from the manager and the curt commentary from Yoongi. Jin just stared out the window, nodding and staring back at the kids who were loading up into the other van. His chest ached.

That ache only ascended into a painful throbbing, and he had to empty his mask twice before they were finally called into the back. The doctor inspected his throat, listened to his breathing, x-rays were ordered, and he studied the flowers curiously.

“It’s a very rare disease, really, especially for an idol, of all people.” The doctor shook his head at the palmful of white petals, laying them out gently onto the little metallic tray as though they were made of glass. He turned to look at the x-rays. “It definitely cropped up quickly, but we caught this early on, so you have options ahead of you.”

“What do you mean?” Jin asked quietly.

“Well, the disease is basically a physical manifestation of your feelings. This happens in various ways - an extreme emotional trauma can cause some very real and dangerous phenomenon in the human body. What’s happening right now, in your body, is that you’ve been holding back some part of yourself so much, that those feelings are becoming flowers, trying to bloom and become known. The stronger your feelings become, the bigger the flowers will come, and you’ll continue to cough them up.”

“Is...is it dangerous?”

The doctor became very grave. “Yes, it is. I’m not going to beat around the bush with you. This disease can be fatal.”

Jin wasn’t sure why Yoongi had been allowed to come with him, instead of being forced to go to practice, but he was glad to feel the black-haired boy’s hand on his shoulder, and he reached up to take hold of his hand. He bit his lip. “What are the options I have?”

Giving a nod, the doctor continued, “The first option is to let the disease play out. There is a chance that if the feelings are returned, your body will let go of the need to manifest those feelings, and the petals will disappear. This happens in less than half the cases we see here. The second option is surgery. Since we’ve caught the disease early on, this would be a routine surgery, and you would be back to performing pretty quickly. The petals and the blossoms will be removed from your lungs, and you could continue a long, healthy life. However…” the doctor met Jin’s eyes, and he felt his breath catch in his throat. “If you remove the petals, your feelings for that person will also be removed, as well.”

Jin let out a long breath. He felt everyone’s eyes on him - the doctor’s, the manager-hyung’s, and Yoongi’s. He knew what they expected and wanted him to say, but the pain in his chest nagged at his attention, reminding him of why things had come this far. “What if I let the disease play out? What then?”

He could feel Yoongi’s hand stiffen, but he couldn’t back down now. The doctor looked down at his clipboard as if he had just been told he had to give a death sentence. “Well, theoretically speaking, there are records that show one can live for a long time with Hanahaki disease, although it is extremely uncomfortable for the patient. As long as your feelings do not get upshifted by rejection, and remain in that flux, the disease can stay there, too.”

“W-what does that mean?”

“It means that as long as the person you harbor feelings for doesn’t know and can’t reject you, then you may be able to live with the disease indefinitely. “

“So...I shouldn’t tell him?” Jin’s eyes were wide, and he knew he looked scared, because Yoongi’s hand tightened on his shoulder. In the back of his mind, he realized that was why Yoongi hadn’t asked for a ‘who.’ He had wanted to protect Jin from any further risk.

The doctor gave Jin a sad smile. “Whether you tell anyone or not is up to you. But if your feelings are rejected, your body will react accordingly. If that happens, you put your life at risk. Even if you are brought in right afterwards, the surgery may have complications.”

Jin stared down at his knees, tears welling up in his eyes without his allowing them to. This weightiness in his chest, which had been increasing in the last few months, could very well kill him. Perhaps he hadn’t been enjoying keeping that secret to himself as much as he had thought. He knew that everyone would advise him to just get the surgery and move on with his life, but...wasn’t that telling him to change who he really was? What was Kim Seokjin without his own experiences, his own feelings, his own heart? If his feelings were erased, wouldn’t that be effectively killing him anyways? The flowers were only there because of what was locked away inside of him. The disease wanted to betray the secret, because what Jin really wanted was to be loved back, and accepted. To not hide so well.

He reached out with one hand and picked up one of the petals from the tray, amazed at how beautiful they looked. He had already made his decision. With a sad smile, he whispered. “They’re lilies… “

“Don’t be stupid, Jin.” Yoongi shook at his shoulder, the gesture feeble even in Jin’s weakened state. “You don’t need to do this. It’s a simple surgery.”

“But lilies suit him, Yoongi.” He met Yoongi’s eyes, blinking away the tears and smiling even more deeply, until his chest hurt with the warmth. “It would be okay to bear it for a little while. Just to see.”

~~

Once he got back to the dorm, Seokjin went back to bed, not saying a word to anyone for the rest of the day. He could hear the others’ voices outside his bedroom, whispered questions and Yoongi’s deep voice explaining as best as he could. Jin knew that Yoongi would warn them not to ask who it was, but that wouldn’t stave off the boys’ curiosity. He coughed, wriggling up on the bed to lean over into the wastebasket. Since the doctor’s appointment, the color of the petals had changed. Instead of the pure white of before, now many of the petals were streaked with purples and pinks. Jin held one of the petals, running his finger along the trace of color. It was as if someone had painted them individually, the tiny little specks of color spreading out like flecks of paint. He wondered why they had turned out to be lilies. Was that because of himself, or the person he loved? He liked to imagine that the untainted whiteness wasn’t for him, but for the boy he loved - that he himself represented the growing streaks of color across the petals, adding something beautiful as his love grew. But there was something to be said for the loss of their former purity.

His chest ached so painfully, and he could feel that heaviness in his lungs, making it hard to breathe in fully. But it was bearable - at least as bearable as unrequited love could be.

He returned to work the next day, doing his best to act like nothing was wrong. The kids all came up to him at different points in the day and just embraced him, worry evident in their body language, even if they didn’t say anything aloud. He smiled as brightly as usual, was teased as usual, and worked as hard as usual. No one said anything when he wore a mask for practice, no one looked his way when he got caught in a coughing fit. It’s going to be okay.

The next week was their comeback stage, and everything went better than expected. ARMY always surprised him with their dedication and love, and he felt luckier with each passing day. Jin got better at dancing with less air in his lungs. He couldn’t wear a mask on stage, but he learned to control his breathing so as to hold back the coughs. The moment they stepped out of the limelight, away from the cameras, he was hunched over, his shoulders curled inward as he hacked and coughed. The other members surrounded him, and he could feel their worry weighing down on him, so he just waved them on, blinking through the tears of pain. “I’m fine, I promise. Go on,” he managed around the coughs. He looked up and met Hoseok’s eyes, sending him a smile. “It’s okay.”

About one month after his diagnosis, Jimin followed him into a corner away from the others, one hand on Jin’s back. He looked over at the younger, patting his silvery hair to reassure him. “Hey, Jiminie,” he whispered, his voice hoarse from singing and coughing.

“It’s Namjoon-hyung, isn’t it?” Jimin breathed, looking up into Jin’s face. For a moment, he arched an eyebrow, then a smile crept across his face.

“You shouldn’t ask me, Jiminie. But no, it isn’t.” He knew that people had been wondering at some of the closer moments between him and the leader. Jin didn’t blame Jimin for suspecting there was more between the easy way he played around with the rapper. But that had to do with their similarity in personality. They were close, yes. But close in the way of two best friends who looked out for each other. Jimin looked heartbroken. Jin reached over and took the boy’s round face in his hands, kissing at the top of his head. “Don’t worry so much. As long as he doesn’t know, I can bear with this much. It’s not as difficult as it looks.”

“But you’re in pain, hyung. Everyone can see it. I just don’t want you to hurt anymore.” Jimin clenched his fists at his sides, glaring at the unseen enemy of the disease. “If...if it’s me, I want you to tell me, hyung. And I’ll...I’ll d-do my best to love you back. I promise!”

Jin chuckled. “You can’t choose who you love, sweet Jimin. I’m sorry. But...thank you, I really appreciate it.”

Jimin went to leave, hesitating in the doorway, looking the smallest and most fragile that Jin had ever seen him. “Hyung? I hope he returns your feelings. And soon.”

“Thanks, Jiminnie.”

~~

He lay on his bed late one night, facing the ceiling as he twirled one of the most purple of the the petals in between his fingers. A coughing fit came over him, and since Yoongi would be at the studio until late, he let it come full-fledged, not bothering to cover his mouth as he turned to his side and let the petals tumble out onto the mattress, sprinkling out over his pillow and down onto the sheets. He gasped when a hand came down onto his shoulder, and he turned. Jungkook was there, clutching his blanket to his chest and looking fearfully down at the eldest. Jin coughed again, taking several minutes before he calmed down. “J-jungkook? What is it?” he managed through his dry throat.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Jungkook’s voice sounded so small in the darkness, the sound alone making Jin's chest hurt, and he coughed again. You could fall in love with me, Jungkook. That would fix it.

The dim light showed the boy's wide, lost eyes, the ones Jin always got distracted by. Jungkook had grown a lot in the last year, stretched out taller than Yoongi, his limbs long but strong, his skin still with that slight touch of color, despite him avoiding a tan like it was the plague. But as much as his body had grown, his eyes still looked as childlike as ever, as did the mouth, with the pinched little cupid's bow, parting to show his signature teeth.

Maybe it would be okay to indulge... just a little.

Wordlessly, Jin shifted over toward the wall, pushing aside the dislodged petals so that Jungkook could lie down next to him. He wrapped his arms around the younger boy, Jungkook’s brown head of hair draped across Jin’s pale arms. Jungkook let him, arranging the blanket he'd brought around them both so that they could share the warmth, a wordless understanding between them.

“They’re so many of them,” Jungkook whispered, picking the stray petals off Jin’s chest.

“Yeah…” he breathed, “I think it gets worse at night.” He didn’t just think so - he was almost certain. It was because Jungkook spent most of his nights out in the living room on his computer playing games, and if Jin sat quietly enough, he could hear the distant clacking of keys from the other room. Some nights, like tonight, Jungkook claimed his bed was too covered in stuff for him to sleep, and would crawl in with Jin or Jimin for the night. Jin just thought he was lonely, and too shy to ask directly for comfort. Jungkook had always had a harder time with his own feelings than the others. He didn’t express himself very much, and he was slow to react. It was easy to get swept up in the energy of the others, but Jungkook was the kid who was still hesitant a lot of the time, unsure of how to be intimate with the others. He was talented and energetic and charismatic, yes. But in tune with his feelings? Not so much.

That was one of many reasons why Jin knew Jungkook would never love him back.

Jungkook had been the youngest in the group, the one who needed the most protecting. At first, Hoseok and Jin had been the first to jump in to help the younger ones adjust, but Jin had started to step back once he realized that his feelings for Jungkook were more than just brotherly ones. He wanted more than just to be near the boy, but to be with him always. He didn’t just want to pat his head in reassurance, but to kiss and appreciate the little mole below the boy’s curved lips. He was selfish, and secretly wanted more.

But despite himself, he had still come to be seen as one of the more motherly, protective figures in the dorm. Jungkook and Jimin especially, calling him ‘Eomma Jin’ from time to time. It hurt, to be so sure that his feelings would never be the same as Jungkook’s, or as innocent, ever again.

“What is it like?” Jungkook’s voice whispered from against Jin’s chest, as the boy yawned. He felt so warm against Jin, who had been getting colder lately. “To be in love?”

“Painful,” Jin grimaced, a cough escaping him. He sighed at the warmth of Jungkook’s body pressed against his shoulder. “But lovely.”

“Why don’t you have the surgery?”

Jin’s chest tightens, and it feels uncomfortable, like something hard is lodged inside his lungs, shifting with each shaky breath. He had promised himself not to say anything about the disease to the others, to shut down any information gathering they might attempt. But honestly, if Jungkook asked him anything, he would probably crumple instantly.

“Because this person deserves to be loved, whether it’s painful for me or not, those are my honest feelings. To take away those feelings is to become a lie.”

He isn’t sure when the tears started streaming from his eyes, but the slight sniffle he gives signals Jungkook, who sits up in the darkness to look at him and murmur, “Hyung?”

He should have gone to sleep, or told Jungkook to go back to his own bed. Those were the things he should have done.

But the pain in his chest is overwhelming, and it’s like he can physically feel the lilies growing there, taking roots deep in his chest and rising up through his lungs, making his breaths ragged and abrasive. His hands clutch at Jungkook’s shirt as he starts to sob, his throat taut and coarse as he shuts his eyes. He’s tired of pretending like it doesn’t hurt. He’s tired of pretending like he’s fine as gradually everything becomes so, so exhausting.

“Hyung, hyung.” Jungkook’s voice is shaking in worry as he tries to pry Jin’s fingers off of the fabric of his shirt, to no avail. He can hear Jungkook crying, too. “Hyung, it’s me, isn’t it? It’s me. It’s been me all along.”

“No,” Jin finds himself crying, trying to rub away the tears from his eyes and scrambling to cover his lies back up again. “No, no, no. It’s not you.” But even he can hear the lie in his voice. Jungkook knew, and now everything was going to fall apart. Jin was caught up in another coughing fit, this one more painful than all the others. He twisted onto his side, gagging on something that was no longer simply a soft, crushed petal. This time, a fully-formed lily slipped out onto his hand. Its violent purples and pinks stained the white petals, the stem slightly damp from his saliva. Bits of blood stained the edges. Jungkook knew. He’d given it away, and now things would never be the same. Now, he was vulnerable to the inevitable rejection. His fragile heart was open to attack.

“It’s me. It’s my fault you’re sick,” Jungkook’s voice was shaky, and he was trembling like a leaf.

“I’m sorry, Jungkookie, I’m sorry.” Jin cried, reaching up and pressing his palm to the boy’s tear-stained cheek. “I don’t want you to feel burdened. This was my choice, okay? It’s not your fault. It’ll be okay.”

“But...hyung…” The boy’s eyes were as wide as saucers. “Hyung, you might die. Just f-for loving me. That’s not fair. That’s not fair at all!”

Jin smiled sadly, his hand dropping from Jungkook’s face, too weary even to do that. “People die for less every day. You deserve to be loved.”

“But I don’t want you to die!” Jungkook was full on sobbing now, his words thick as he clenched his fists, blinking heavily through the tears. “Get the surgery, hyung! Please!”

I knew he couldn’t love me back. But I still hoped. That tiny, stupid little hope is what kept me going this long.

“Hyung, please! If you love me, get the surgery! I don’t want you to die!”

Jin sighed, leaning to the side as he coughed up another fully-formed lily. When he spoke again, his voice was strangely calm and distant. “I’m sorry, Jungkook. I understand. I’ll get the surgery if it makes you happy. Just please don’t cry anymore.” Jungkook fell onto his chest, shooting pain throughout Jin’s whole body without realizing it. Despite what he had just said, Jungkook cried for a long time against him, and Jin tried to choke down the pain at the back of his throat that made him want to throw up another lily.

“Jungkook? Can I...can I ask you one favor, just this one time?” He whispered breathlessly. Jungkook stilled against his chest. The silence lingered on between them, and Jin was crying again. He wanted to ask Jungkook if he could kiss him, just once. One chance to feel what it was like to kiss someone he loved. Somewhere in the back of his exhausted and weary mind, he thought that maybe, just maybe, if he kissed Jungkook, a little of his love could be transferred to the boy, and reciprocated. But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t get the words to leave his mouth. Jungkook loved him enough to not want him to die for his sake. That had to be enough.

“Never mind. I’ve put you through too much already, and I’m sorry. It would have been better if you’d never known.” He patted Jungkook’s head gently. “Just go to sleep, Jungkook. It’ll be okay soon.”

Hours later, Jungkook had fallen asleep, still crying softly. Jin was utterly incapable of sleeping, so he slipped out from under the boy and went to the living room. He took out a sheet of paper and wrote and re-wrote a letter until the sun came up, slipping back into the bed and curling up against Jungkook, kissing the boy’s hair and drifting off into a fitful hour’s rest.

~~

The surgery was planned for the very next day. Jungkook insisted on going with him to the hospital, only leaving his side very rarely and always coming back with puffy red eyes from crying. Jin tried to comfort him, but ever since Jungkook had found out, his own pain had increased tenfold, the petals all becoming fully bloomed lilies that were painful to throw up. His hospital bed was soon littered with them, looking for all the world like Jin was lying in a decorated funeral bed. “They’re really pretty, I’ll kind of miss them,” Jin mused to the nurse when he thought Jungkook was out of earshot. “Can some be set aside for me? I want to press a few.”

The nurse nodded, worry tightly tucked in between the thin lines of her lips as she prepped. He fell into another coughing fit, and he was so tired and sore that a part of him was ready to just give up and stop fighting for air. But Jungkook was right there, so he forced his body to expel what he hoped would be the last of the lilies onto his lap.

“I’ll see you soon, Jungkookie,” he rasped, sending the boy a smile. “Everything will go perfectly fine.”

But it didn’t. The lilies had taken a firm root in the boy’s lungs, and even after several hours of surgery, they realized that the lilies were growing faster than they could be removed. His chest was an open book, exposed and literally bleeding as the nurses worked to pull out petal after petal, the pile of crimson-stained lilies growing. Jin’s body, already weak from fighting for air every moment the last few months, was giving up the fight.

Jin flatlined on the table while Jungkook was in the waiting room, anxiously pressing lilies into the books Yoongi had brought with him.

You don’t get to choose who you love.