A chair is creaking. A heavy sigh leaves his mouth. A hand lands on hers.

“Hey… Um I'm not sure if you can hear me or not but the doctors said you might so I wanna give it a shot. You scared the out of me, you know? I… I have been waiting for you. At our secret place as we agreed years ago. When you didn’t come, I thought that you might hate me after… after everything that happened. But the ambulance guy who called me said that you were heading into that direction when that ran into you. I’m so sorry I doubt you, I just… It’s been so long since we last talked and I was mesmerized when I saw you at the graduation ceremony. I should have called you earlier. I shouldn’t have let you leave. Wait no, that sounds like a jerk move. Gosh... I just don’t know how to function without you. We promised we would do this together till the end, right? So don’t you dare to die on me now, Kim Jisoo!”

* * *

Middle school can be really scary. Especially if you just switched schools and doesn’t know anyone in this new town by the sea full of colours and laughter. The sunrises are so different now that they live on the beach compared to the busy city with its high buildings shielding the sunlight. But schools? They are the same anywhere.

“Hello,” the shy girl chirps in a quiet voice, casting her eyes down while bowing deeply, politely. “My name is Kim Jisoo and I’m a transfer-student. I hope we can be good friends, please take care of me! ”

“Good. Good,” the homeroom teacher pats her on the back and shush the little ten years old towards the desks. Almost all of them are seated with whispering students who are eyeing her curiously. However, there’s one boy in the last row straightening his back to get to see her over the ocean of their classmates. The table marred with doodles next to him is the only one left empty. “Sit beside Jin in the back, he will show you around after class.”

That’s it. That’s how their friendship starts: with luck, a push and a welcoming smile from the skinny boy in glasses. Jisoo returns the friendly gesture instinctively and soon, they cannot be separated.

Neither of them has siblings so they finally find someone who they can play with, a precious new friend. Jin teaches her how to play Super Mario on his dad’s computer and they act out the classic save the princess from the dragon story on the playground multiple times. They do their homework together, go to PJ parties together and even persuade their parents to go on vacations together. When they have to choose a high school, it’s obvious that they would apply to the same prestigious one.

“Do you think we will stay together forever?” Jisoo asks naively while they lie down on the sandy beach and stare at the night sky with its bright stars. Nowadays, she can’t seem to stop thinking about it. The possibility of losing someone who has been almost constantly by her side during the last few years is quite scary. Even if it only meant different schools in the same city, they would be close but far away all at once. Just like stars.

However, Jin doesn’t even hesitate before he answers:

“Of course! We will go to the same high school, then we both go to university in Seoul. We will be best friends till the end. Nothing will change that,” he tries to soothe her nerves and ruffles her hair playfully that makes Jisoo pout in annoyance. Yet, her chest blossoms with relief.

“Promise?” she holds out her pinky finger with a hopeful smile.

“Promise,” the boy who never tells her to stop acting childish, only nods fondly and hooks their fingers together to seal their deal.

* * *

The sun is peeking through the window. The machines are beeping. The boy still holds the pale girl’s hand in his.

“I got you chrysanthemums today. I know the pink ones are your favourite but the store only had purple ones. They are pretty, though.” A brief silence. “You mom called. She worries a lot about you. It’s been two weeks. According to the doctors you should be up by now but something must hold you back. So I brought your favourite book. You know, the one with poems. You left it at mine and said I should read it. Now I will so you should wake up before I finish, okay? Alright, let’s start...”

* * *

Things do change when they go to high school. Even though they attend the same school, they both find new friends and interests. Jisoo starts working out and joins the cheerleader club to keep fit and gain some self-confidence. At the practices she meets Chaeyoung and it’s nice to have a girl friend for a change. Meanwhile Jin starts working at the school journal and starts hanging out with guys like Sandeul and Jaehwan. Still, nothing can come between the two of them. Nothing but a bottle.

“Whoa… Jisoo and Jin, your turn!” some underclassman hollers at them while pointing at the empty soju bottle that stopped spinning. The loud blasting of music suddenly fades away as the two friends’ gazes meet but before they could utter out any protest, the other guests shove them into the walk-in closet and close the door.

“You have seven minutes, guys, have fun!” somebody shouts and the dark room fell silence. Jisoo lets out a breathy laugh while she fidgets with the hem of her dress. She can hear Jin moving around and cursing when he bumps into the wall.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just searching for the switch to… Oh, I got it!” he replies and the bulb lights up. But while darkness created this mysterious but calm feeling around them, with light everything comes back to focus and Jisoo’s nerves are dancing on fire.

They are caged in a small closet room only a foot away from each other and they both have a hard time to concentrate on the detergent’s smell instead of the other’s perfume. Their closeness and the pressure of expectations make it hard to breathe in the suffocating atmosphere. Jisoo lifts up her head to look straight at her best friend, really look and she’s taken back how much she missed growing up beside this boy. How could she not notice the good job puberty was doing on him? She can’t deny it anymore: exchanging his glasses for contact lens, his new haircut and his suddenly broad shoulders make him quite handsome. No wonder girls in their school are swooning over him. They would be green with jealousy if they knew why they are here in the first place.

“Ah... just get on with it,” Jisoo snaps and the boy leaning against the closed door blinks in confusion.

“We don’t have to do anything,” he says carefully forming each word as if he would knock over dominoes otherwise. He’s staring into her chocolate orbs trying to map out her thoughts and trying to figure out what she really wants. Oh right Jin is nice just like that, always making sure she’s comfortable. Despite the fact that she’s no longer that shy little girl he met in middle school, he feels obligated to protect her. Somehow. Even if now it’s him who she needs protecting from.

But it doesn’t look like Jisoo needs his caring now. She seems quite confident when she takes a step closer. Definitely too close, almost backing him up against the door and Jin can’t help but feel cornered. His usually calm aura decides to take a day off and he can feel his heart beating like a drum in his chest. His eyes are comically wide and it would make Jisoo giggle if she wasn’t serious about this.

“But I want to,” she whines in a girly voice and huffs dramatically. “I don’t want to start dating without knowing how to kiss and I know for a fact that you didn’t kiss either.”

“How can you be so sure?” Jin rolls his eyes trying to regain his posture. Maybe he has underestimated how well they know each other.

“Oh please, you would have told me,” Jisoo scoffs and the boy can’t argue with her because probably she would have been the first one he would have told. If it had happened but it didn’t and he certainly didn’t expect it to happen with her. Jisoo must sense how conflicted he is because she quickly adds: “I trust you. You are my best friend. But if you don’t want to do it, it’s okay. I just thought...”

Her voice fades away as she trails off.

“No! That’s not it,” Jin interrupts her quickly making sure she doesn’t think it’s her fault. He scratches the back of his neck nervously and lets out a devastated sigh. “Just… what if it will be weird after?”

“Only if we make it weird,” the girl points out playing with the end of her locks and looking up to him under her lashes. It’s not the first time it happens and it definitely won’t be the last but suddenly Jin is well aware of the fact that he can’t say no to her. Not when she looks at him like this.

A fleeting moment later, the gears stop spinning in his head and he bends. He blames it on his own curiosity and how convincing Jisoo can be but as soon as his lips softly touch hers, every thought disappears from his mind. It’s merely a chaste peck on the mouth but he can already taste the sweet taste of her lip balm and her scent is intoxicating. Jin tries to keep his instincts under control but it’s hard when his best friend nips at his lower lip once, twice and grabs his shirt to pull him closer until they’re chest to chest. For a moment, he forgets how to breathe.

He’s both grateful and furious when somebody flings the door open. The seven minutes must have been up, he realizes dumbfounded while both of them clumsily stumble out of them closet.

They don’t talk about it afterwards. They act like nothing happened and Jisoo would never admit that when she eventually gets her first boyfriend only a few months later, kissing him just doesn’t feel as right as it felt kissing her best friend. If only she knew he felt the same way.

* * *

The flowers are changed every now and then. The nightstand is full of piled books. The boy is reading poems to the girl without missing a day.

“Sorry, I know I’m late. I had a job interview today. At the magazine I told you about. Unbelievable, right? It seems only yesterday when we started uni and it’s already over. You should be here to cheer me on. You have to wake up before I get the job so we can celebrate together, okay?” He clears his throat awkwardly but the usual mirth colours his voice again when he opens the worn book cover. “Where was I? Ah, yes, the thirteenth sonnet.”

* * *

It’s their senior year when one night Jisoo calls him crying.

“Can you come over?” she asks but her voice cracks at the end, so miserable it breaks the boy’s heart. He doesn’t hesitate at all.

“I’ll be there in ten. Do you want to stay on the line?” he immediately gets up and leaves his computer behind not caring about homework or anything now. Jisoo tells him no, it’s okay and hangs up but that only makes Jin more desperate and he has never sworn so much in his life like that night on the way to her family’s home. When he arrives, running from the bus stop, he texts her before he would alarm the whole neighbourhood with his loud pounding on the door. Jisoo opens the door right away and bury her tear-streaked face into her best friend shirt. The boy wraps his arms around her frame tightly without hesitation and soothe her with slow caresses on her back.

“What happened?” he asks voice dripping with worry and caring. The girl is sobbing into his chest quietly for a while but Jin knows better than to rush her. He waits and she knows he would wait an eternity for her.

“Minho dumped me,” she utters out in the end, shoulders shaking with humiliation. “He says he doesn’t want to start university with a burden. Can you believe it? He called me a burden.”

Anger boils in the boy’s system, he can’t comprehend how anyone can say something like that to her. He never liked the dude from the football team but Jisoo seemed radiant beside him and that’s all he has ever wanted: to see her happy.

“He’s an ,” he sums it up briefly and her long hair gently. “And he’s stupid for letting go the best thing that ever happened to him.”

Eventually, Jin stays over so she can sleep in peace and comfort. Sometimes when she has trouble sleeping they talk on the phone until she dozes off. But that night they don’t get a wink of sleep. They sit cross-legged on the floor of her room and they plan enthusiastically their future lives in the capital. It seems so easy: to move in together in Seoul so they can save up money for university if they are both accepted. It seems like a dream for so long but it doesn’t take a year and they’re already there, ready to explore the nightlife of Seoul together.

* * *

The hospital gown is covered with tiny blue flower patterns. The infusion bag hangs by the bed. The boy brushes away the girl’s fringe out of her closed eyes.

“Sometimes I like to think you’re just sleeping. You were always a heavy sleeper and even if I wanted to make fun of you, you never drool or anything. How can you be so pretty like this? I feel like a ert watching you but even this dude claims that it’s romantic. Isn’t it weird? Me reading love sonnets to you? My friends wouldn’t let me leave if they knew. I expected you to call me out on it but no, you are so damn stubborn, you keep sleeping. The nurses think I’m your boyfriend so I hope you feel embarrassed.”

* * *

Jin isn’t angry. But this isn’t the first time it happened and his patience runs thin after all those times he had to pretend to be invisible in their shared apartment. Over the past year Jisoo developed a habit of bringing home one night stands and Jin more often than not has the unfortunate of meeting them in the morning. But really though, what happened to those casual flings when the guy had enough pride to sneak out after action? These lazy s spend the night, shower in the morning, sometimes even steal from the breakfast Jin made and only leave then. Since Jisoo is an incredibly heavy sleeper, she isn’t around to see that. But Jin is and he’s not amused.

So when he’s in the middle of making pancakes and the half- guy walks out of the bathroom in nothing else but jeans around his waist reeking of the shower gel that wasn’t his in the first place and walking around like he owned the place, Jin clears his throat with a wooden spoon in his hands.

“If I were you I’d get out as quickly as I can.”

The athletic, European looking guy is so startled he kicks into coach in surprise but Jin doesn’t feel an ounce of sorry for him. The bastard deserves it.

“What the hell? Who the are you?”

“Language, young grasshopper and be grateful I’m not in the mood for a fight,” he scoffs turning a pancake in the fizzing oil. Anyone competent enough wouldn’t stay arguing but this guy really doesn’t really get the memo.

“I think you mistook the door, dude, I…”

“You just hopped out of the bed Jisoo and I chose last summer in IKEA, I know,” Jin stops the intruder before he could make a bigger fool out of himself and muscly guy finally stutters.

“It’s not…” But the best flatmate any girl would wish for doesn’t let him finish:

“Though I don’t know what she sees in you. The guy from last week was much more built and he was a gentleman disappearing at dawn,” he clicked his tongue, speaking in a higher tone than normal and watched with satisfaction as the realization hit the guy. The living room was full of his and Jisoo’s pictures so he could have pretended to be the angry boyfriend (He had tried and ended up with a broken nose, so no thanks.) but nothing spook away these boys more than a gay best friend ogling them. (Though, there was once this guy who tried his luck after the news flash and Jin had to kick him out literally.)

“I gotta go,” the guy excuses himself, finally coming to his senses while grabbing his shirt from the floor and finds the exit quicker than expected.

Jin smiles satisfied with himself while he finishes making the rest of the pancakes. He can hear the faint footsteps approaching even before Jisoo speaks up:

“Did Pete leave just now?” she steps out of her room still in her silky nightgown, rubbing her sleepy eyes.

“Yeah, he had to go,” Jin shrugs nonchalantly and places a plate full of banana split pancakes on the table. “Come and eat.”

“You are the best,” the still sleepy girl exclaims while trying to suppress a yawn and drags herself to the table. She only takes one bite of the still hot pastry and she lets out a content moan with half-closed eyelids. “Hm… you should really have your own bakery one day. It’s amazing.”

“Thanks,” the boy wipes down the scattered flour from the kitchen cupboard. “Eat well, I won’t be home for dinner.”

“But it’s Saturday! What about our movie night?” Jisoo complains, a whine still stuck in but after a second thought, the cutlery stills in her hand and her gaze is piercing a hole into her flatmate’s wide back. “Are you still seeing that Japanese girl?”

Jin hums taking off his apron. “Yes, she’s kawaii.”

The no longer tired girl holds back her urge to snort but she doesn’t protest. She munches on her food wordlessly and Jin doesn’t want to think about why he wanted her to do otherwise.

* * *

These walls here are painted orange and not yellow. The CPAP mask covers most of her face. The boy lifts her hand to his mouth, lips brushing over her knuckles gently.

“They moved you into a different room. Do you like it? I don’t. It means you have been in coma for over a month. You must be mortified that they made you wear the same clothes for weeks now. You have to wake up quickly so you can dress up prettily and sweep all the boys off of their feet. You have always had a good fashion sense. No wonder why your fashion designs are so cool. Your advice scored me multiple dates already.” The boy cracks up at the memory but it sounds forced, fake. Yet, his next words can’t be more genuine and it feels like a confession. “I regret not telling you enough how beautiful you are.”

* * *

They share a handful of memories neither of them wants to remember. One of them is a party after their last semester celebrating their final exam. Things get a little out of hand way too quickly: they have too many shots and everything seems blurry in their drunken state.

“Come on! Let’s dance,” Jisoo drags him to the dance floor illuminated by neon lights. Both of them trip on the way but they laugh it off. Jin feels so light, so carefree like he can finally do anything with his life, anything he wants. The club seems dreamlike and he feels bold, not caring about the consequences. Just this once.

Million thoughts run a mile in his head when his hands enveloping Jisoo’s thin waist and pulls her closer as they are swaying among sweaty dancing bodies. His best friend’s eyes are half-lidded in happy bliss, her face is a beautiful stoic statue of some Greek goddess and the way she presses her body chest-to-chest to his clouds his judgement. The whole experience is so otherworldly under the colourful lights while the EDM provides background music to the scene, he can’t help but stare.

Jisoo must sense his intense glare on her because she looks up to him with wide cat eyes and a lazy smile.

“What?” she tilts her head while her hands are sneaking around the boy’s neck, playfully brushing against the short strands of hair.

Jin feels heat coiling up in his insides while his eyes are roaming up and down her body, settling on her lips at last. They are glossy and pink, reminders of that one forgotten high school memory hidden in the closet. It takes a while for him to find his voice, but then he forces himself to look deep into her eyes and he blurts out without meaning to:

“You are beautiful.”

She really is: inside and out. She’s the kindest person he’s ever met. The one who can have her love will surely be the luckiest man on Earth and greedily he wants a taste of that luck.

They’re drunk, the party is loud around them and it’s a spur of the moment decision that leads to such an aftermath neither of them is ready to face. Kissing her is sweet and refreshing like eating ice cream on a hot summer day. Still, it burns every fibre in his body and all of his nerves scream more when she pulls back panting. Her dark, dilated eyes hold emotions Jin can’t quite put his finger on but he knows one thing for sure: nobody has ever made him feel like this.

“We can’t,” Jisoo stills in his arms and suddenly she sounds so sober it sends chills down the boy’s spine in panic.

“Oh.” He can’t say anything else because he doesn’t know what he should do. Apologize? Explain? But the girl beats him to it with dull eyes:

“There’s this guy and we might get serious soon,” she says stepping back to put some space between their bodies. Her words shock the confused boy as if he was dumped into ice cold water.

“Are you seeing someone? Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks almost hysterically. Even though he knows it’s wrong he can’t shake off that feeling that suddenly trapped his heart and threatening to break it.

“Why should I tell you every little detail of my life?” Jisoo crosses her arms across her chest, her voice higher than usual in an almost defensive tone.

Jin can’t help but feel betrayed. “I thought I was you best friend.”

“Well, you don’t act like it now. Are you jealous?” The girl snorts, mindlessly touching her lips probably regretting kissing him back.

“NO!” Jealous of you for being happy? no! Or rather of him because he can get to hold you and kiss you? No matter how unbelievable it is, yes, Jin is fuming with jealousy in the middle of the dance floor of some club and he doesn’t even care anymore. The alcohol makes him reckless and he groans out: “But what if I am? Would it matter?”

For a moment Jisoo looks shocked, taken aback. Her beautiful face is a portray of sadness and her eyes tell a tragedy on their own. She shakes her head.

“You had years, Jin and you didn’t say anything. So now, please shut up and let me be happy!”

Weren’t you happy with me? the boy with a heart-shaped hole in his chest wants to ask but he bites back the question because he gets his answer when she walks away from him.

The next day, Jisoo packs all her stuff and moves out without a word. She leaves a note saying she needs time to think. But then why does it feel like she has already made up her mind? They are drifting away more and more each day even though the hurt transforms into longing soon. It doesn’t change anything when she breaks up with her boyfriend. They’re tiptoeing in limbo and only their graduation ceremony forces them to meet again. Somewhere between shy smiles and whispered congratulations, hope vibrates in the Jin’s chest before he leaves for their secret place.

But Jisoo never arrives.

* * *

It’s been almost two months since their graduation. It’s been forty-two sonnets since he brought the book. It’s been thousands of wordless confessions by the boy holding her hand. But today is different.

“I think I found my favourite sonnet, listen: I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” The boy recites completely immersed in the poem then puts down the book with a sigh. “So yeah, it reminds me of you… Please, Jisoo, come back to me. I have so many things to say. I want to say sorry. Sorry for not reaching out to you, sorry for getting jealous, sorry for letting you go. I miss you so damn much. All the time. And I keep thinking about you, about what we had and what we could have if I didn’t mess it up. I can’t stop thinking that I might be in love with you. So much. I wish I could tell you this.”

A pearl-like drop of tear crosses the girl’s face. The heart monitor starts beeping like crazy. It makes the boy shoot up to his feet in panic.

“Hey, are you crying? Heck, is this normal? I’m calling a nurse,” he’s rambling but before he could move, he feels it: the faint pressure on his hand that still holds her. He looks down, into her nut-brown eyes he hasn’t seen for so long. He feels like crying when he sees them open, watery and searching for him. He leans closer gripping her hand like a life-line thanking the heavens for this miracle.

Jisoo’s voice is hoarse from not speaking when she weakly removes the mask and looks him straight in the eyes, pleading:

“Tell me.”

Jin is confused at first, not knowing what she wants but then suddenly it all makes sense and he couldn’t be happier now that he has a chance to say those precious words out loud: “I love you, Kim Jisoo, I love you so damn much.”

The girl smiles, her heart is beating fast and alive. They will be alright after all, she can feel it.

Not far from them, the book on the nightstand is open on the last page. It should be blank but there’s one handwritten line on the white paper: I wish I could tell you, Jin, that our story is my favourite kind of love sonnet.