Review 2
Not Only Audacious [OS]
TITLE: NOT ONLY AUDACIOUS [OS]
AUTHOR: TRIPLE-KEY
CHARACTERS: MIYON (OC) JONGHYUN (SHINEE) ONEW (SHINEE)
LINK: HTTP://WWW.ASIANFANFICS.COM/STORY/VIEW/123962
TAGS: korean, shinee, original character, romance, confession, one shot
AUTHOR: TRIPLE-KEY
CHARACTERS: MIYON (OC) JONGHYUN (SHINEE) ONEW (SHINEE)
LINK: HTTP://WWW.ASIANFANFICS.COM/STORY/VIEW/123962
TAGS: korean, shinee, original character, romance, confession, one shot
Creativity and Originality: 10/15
- A lot had already written about crushes and confessions, since these two go well together, and yours could easily be categorized as one of the many... or cliche. I didn't see much original aspects and the descriptions were simple enough. The ending where Miyon suddenly said that she liked him back caught me off guard; other than that part, everything else were quite predictable. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. You are writing a romantic story and one thing for sure you wanted to assure your readers that the story will have a happy ending (if they were cheering for Jonghyun instead of Jinki). I know you could do better.
Vocabulary and Grammar: 14.5/15
- You don't know how happy I am right now! It's quite rare to see writers nowadays with decent vocabulary- you're one of the few that bothers to use sources- examples: dictionary, thesaurus- and edit their own work. You even know how many dots there should be when you use an ellipsis! (I'm tearing with joy.) There were small mistakes here and there, I'll point out some of them below, but other than that, I'm really impressed. Keep up the good work.
JongHyun MiYon JinKi
I was a bit troubled about whether I should take out a point for this or not because it is grammatically wrong. I am not Korean, let alone am I fluent in their language and experienced with their alphabet. I'm not sure if this is how it was taught to Korean students so I'll just leave it as it is.
JongHyun quickly gave me reassuring smile, and said:
First, it should be JongHyun quickly gave me a reassuring smile and secondly, you do not use a colon (:) before a person talks, unless you use it to explain a list or the preceding details to support the previous statement. How you used it in your story was wrong; a simple comma does it.
JongHyun quickly gave me a reassuring smile and said, "Look, if he says no to you you could cry on my shoulder and do whatever girls do to get over a guy. But honestly, anyone would be crazy not to like you!"
I can't believe I'm saying this as a reviewer but you could have used simpler words. I'm impressed you used unusual, or how noobs will call it, big words, but some didn't quite fit with your story's mood. It's not a story filled of darkness and angst yet some words did give that feeling. It's about crushes and confessing and romance, and I think simpler words would have done well with these key terms.
Writing Style and Story Flow: 22/25
- The story had a legit speed, enough for the story's conflict to take place perfectly. Your writing style was not problematic, but I deducted three points because of your characterization. I felt as if you didn't write enough about the characters so I had a hard time understanding them. You could have talked more about Miyon and how she suddenly liked Jonghyun, or how happy Jonghyun turned out now that he's out of the friend zone. A story is a story but it can't be a good one if there are few descriptions or details supporting it. You have to consider your audience; let them relate to your story. They can't do that if they have few understanding of your characters. Characters are important too, that's that.
Storyline: 11/15
- I've had a problem with you how you ended your story. Miyon showed no hints that she felt the same way for Jonghyun even at the beginning so I got a bit confused when she confessed she liked him too. I guessed you probably played with your title and so I've interpreted this from that: Miyon was not bold enough to ask Jinki out, and she didn't have enough confidence that if she did successfully ask Jinki out, she thought he would turn her down. Jonghyun stated that when a girl asks a guy out that's not only audacious but also attractive. In this case, Miyon was not audacious but she was still able to steal a guy's heart- Jonghyun's. I'm not sure if this was what you're trying to say. It's either you didn't do a good job expressing your thought, or I was just overanalyzing it; it's probably the latter. Anyway, other than the ending, the story was consistent from beginning to end. There weren't too many characters so it was easy to identify who's who and what their roles were. Although, I have to admit it wasn't that interesting. Maybe if you added a couple of details here and there, I could have given you a higher mark. Suggestions: If you were to rewrite this story, I suggest you add details about Miyon's real feelings towards the two guys, and Jonghyun with his feelings for Miyon. You've mentioned that Jinki was disappointed when Miyon failed to ask him out, so he probably had feelings for her too; maybe you could write a scene where Jinki chases after her but ends up hearing her confession to Jonghyun.
Content: 14/15
- Characters. Check. Plot. Check. Conflict. Check. Setting. Check. Resolution. Check. Elements of a story were all covered and I've got to hand it to you, you've impressed me with your descriptions. You used words that weren't usually used for stories like yours and they were relevant to the idea of the sentence or paragraph. I only gave you a fourteen (14) because I think you just rushed it. Yes, it was obvious that Jonghyun had feelings for her from the very beginning but when did she start liking him? Elaborate. Other than that though, well done.
Appearance: 7/7
- I'm giving you a perfect mark because it was easy to identify the flashbacks from the current narrative thoughts of the main character, and because of the correct input of quotation marks for the dialogues. I would deduct a point because you used colons for your dialogues, but I'll be nice. I've mentioned it above if you want to consider changing it. There was also a problem on your poster; the full quote isn't readable, but it's still good.
Introduction/Foreword and Ending/Epilogue: 2.5/3
- I've deducted half a point because of your ending. I've stated it above.
Overall Enjoyment: 4.5/5
- I'm actually glad I got a chance to read this story of yours. It wasn't too dramatic nor too tragic, it got the exact amount of romance and conflict it needed. Simple- a bit too fast though but still good.
Total: 85.5/100
CREDITS TO LADYGENERAL @ CODE ROMEO REVIEW THREAD.
reviewer's overall rating
★★★★✩ Work more on your characterization; characters' personalities and roles are vital to support your plot. Don't just tell a story, write it with perspective. Impressive vocabulary though. The story is quite simple and fast but still a good quick read. Keep up the good work.
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