Jaebum’s eyes snapped open, like they were about to jump out of their sockets. He was gasping for breath, his heart seemed like it was being crumpled. He felt sweat beaded on his temples, streaming down to his hair. His eyes watered from the pain, though he didn’t know the source, and he rubbed it away harshly.

He didn’t even know who the boy was, yet he already appeared in his dreams four times since the start of this month, and woke him up the same way. There was always the same face he couldn’t match with any name he remembered, staring up at him from where the boy was lying limp. His hair was sticking on his forehead, glued by sweat and blood. A wide stain of red darkened the grey asphalt where his head lied, with traces of the white snowflakes sprinkled all around. Like the stranger, Jaebum didn’t move, he couldn’t. He was trapped by the other’s gaze, lost in the labyrinth of meanings he couldn’t decipher. The moment that seemed to have been frozen in time except for the falling snow was broken by the movement of the boy’s pale lips, slowly trembling to open. Jaebum could barely catch on the faint sound that was muttered out of his mouth, but strangely he understood clearly what he was saying.

He was calling his name. And that was when Jaebum woke up.

He had only dismissed it as a mere nightmare the first time it happened, but when it continued to appear he couldn't thought that way anymore. Was it a scene from a movie he watched? No, he couldn't recall watching a movie with that scene and that actor. Or was he seeing the future of someone? But why was he seeing the future of someone he didn't even know? Or maybe, as Jaebum had hoped from the deepest of his heart that it was just a passing dream without any meaning, though it faded the more that dream appeared.

He was baffled and feeling grim. No one would feel nothing after seeing the scene of someone's possible death moment, especially something that tragic, over and over again. It was more likely that the boy was involved in a traffic accident, seeing how he was lying in the middle of the road. And he was calling his name.

Again, why? Why was he calling his name? Did Jaebum actually know the boy? Maybe he actually made acquaintance with him somewhere and forgot him? Or is he someone he knew when he was a kid that had changed through the years he didn't recognize him anymore? But somehow he felt that the possibilities for those reasons were nearly zero. He was really sure he had never seen the boy before.

His frantic train of thought was broken when there was a force pressuring his chest. He smiled when a pair of blue eyes entered his sight, his hand moved to brush the owner's silky fur as she meowed. "What, are you already hungry, Nora? This early?"

Nora meowed louder. Jaebum chuckled, his nightmare forgotten for a while. "Alright, alright. Let me get myself out of bed first."

He set his feet on the floor, stretching his body. The dream always left him feeling tired despite the sleep he had. He walked to the shelf where he stored Nora's food. He poured it in her bowl and squatted down to put it in front of her, watching fondly as she purred when he her head. A peaceful morning, if not for the way he was woken up. He sighed before standing up and preparing to take a shower.

--

Jaebum barely made it to the class before the professor came, thanks to him having to look for the left pair of his shoes that was hidden by Nora right when he was about to go. He quickly sat and dropped his head on the desk, trying to catch his breath. He could hear Mark's failed attempt to stiffle his laugh from beside him. He looked at his friend with a frown.

"Always delighted to see someone's misery, aren't you?"

"Why? It's interesting," Mark said, contrasted to the innocent smile that was hanging on his face. Yeah, what did you expect from someone who spent his time watching shows where people was pranking others? Jaebum just managed to let out a dry laugh filled with sarcasm before his professor greeted the class.

The class ended three hours later. Mark was rushing to gather his stuff under Jaebum's amused stare. "So eager to see your dear darling Jackson, Mark?" Jaebum teased, earning himself a pair of rolling eyes before Mark dashed out of the class. He shook his head, still in disbelief that Mark was now dating Jackaon when it was him that introduced them to each other. Well, it was a given since Mark was the most quiet person he ever met, while Jackson was the noisiest. Well, Mark laughed the most when he was with Jackson, so maybe that's why.

He knew Mark since their high school days, and had been best friend since. The silence with Mark was comforting, and he liked his bluntness. Jaebum admitted that he was a straightforward person himself, but Mark was on another level. He often told what he thought even when it could hurt others. Others might resent him for it, but Jaebum thought it was his strong point. The strength to carry the burden of hurting others from delivering a harsh truth rather than hiding or sugarcoating it.

And about Jackson, he knew him since they both played basketball at the university, though in different team because they were from different department. Sometimes their teams had unofficial sparring, that was how they become close. The first time Mark met Jackson was when he watched the match where both Jaebum’s and Jackson’s teams played, though not having a face-off yet. When Jaebum introduced them to each other, he didn’t suppose they would become a couple five months later since they were too different. But they did anyway.

While Mark was black and white, always clear on what was wrong and right, Jackson was yellow and blue. He was always a bright and funny, a chatterbox. He was an easygoing person, easy to be with. But sometimes there were moments where he was serious, sensitive, and insecure. That was one of the reasons why he confessed to Mark. Jackson had once told Jaebum that Mark eased his insecurities, because he knew he only said the truth. He didn’t have to ponder whether there was any other meaning on what he said, and being with him made him felt peaceful. They completed each other with their differences, and it was heartwarming to see.

Jaebum walked out of the class thinking what he should eat for lunch when an unfamiliar voice stopped him in his track, calling him. He turned around, and nothing could ever prepare him to see the person that had been haunting his dreams here, in his real life.

The boy was walking hesitantly to him, yet all he saw was him lying in the middle of the road. The boy was looking at him shyly, yet he was trapped again in the labyrinth of meanings he was in last night. The boy was giving him a faint smile, yet his mind was filled with the trembling lips, mouthing his name.

He snapped back to the present when he felt a gentle grip on his upper arm. He let out a ragged breath, realizing he had been holding his breath the whole time. When his eyes were finally able to focus on reality again, he found the other staring at him with concerned gaze.

"Are you okay?" The boy asked softly. Jaebum tried to steady his breath before stuttering an 'I'm okay'. Jaebum took a deep breath, calming himself down.

“Are you really okay?” The other asked again, voice laced by worry. Jaebum nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay. Do you need something from me?”

The person in front of him nervously shifted his gaze down, fidgeting. Red started blooming on his cheeks, spreading to his ears. “Er, yeah. You probably don’t know me. My name is Jinyoung, from literature department. I have something to give you.”

Jinyoung slide the strap of his backpack off of his right shoulder and reached to open the zipper of the front pocket. He took out a plain white medium-sized envelope and gave it to Jaebum. Confused and curious, Jaebum accepted it.

“Please read it. Thank you.” And he left, leaving Jaebum standing alone on the corridor, still dumbfounded. He still couldn’t believe he just met and talked with the boy he had only seen in his dream. Moreover, he approached him first, and apparently he knew Jaebum. He didn’t know what to do, or what to feel. There was so much going on his mind right now, his head started to hurt. So he chose to listen to his growling stomach and forget the problematic envelope for now, trying to reorganize his mind before thinking about it again.

It wasn’t until that night, after a dinner he couldn’t remember the taste of since he couldn’t focus on his meal, that he steeled his heart and anxiously opened the envelope. He was sitting on his bed, his back leaned on the headboard. There was a letter inside. And the content was something he would never expect.

‘Hello, I’m Park Jinyoung. And I love you, Im Jaebum.

I know it’s lame to write something like this, but I can’t find any other way, and I know I’m such a coward for not having the courage to say it straight at you. I just want to tell you my feelings. I know you might find it creepy to get something like this from a stranger. You can just throw this letter away and forget it, but if you feel like giving me a response, I’ll be waiting at the coffee shop near the campus at 3. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.

Thank you for reading this letter.’

Jaebum was taken aback by the confession. From many things the letter could contain about, he would never expect this. Now he got more things to think about. What should he do?

He wouldn’t accept his confession, of course, like what he always did when someone confessed to him since years ago. It was only bothered him more since Jinyoung was someone who kept appearing in his dream, dying, even though he didn’t know if it was just a dream or something that would really happen in the future. And it made him felt some kind of guilt to reject him.

However, accepting his confession wasn’t an option either. It would only hurt both of them. He definitely wouldn’t be able to love Jinyoung like he did to Jaebum, he had lost the ability for that long time ago. He still could, however, feel attached to someone like he did to Mark and Jackson. And if Jinyoung really died, it would still hurt him greatly. He knew that feeling well. Moreover, even if it was just a dream, it happened too often and he might still see it in the future. It was already hard for him to see how a stranger died in his dreams, he wouldn’t be able to bear it if it was someone dear to him. It would be better to stay away before he grew fond of him.

--

Jaebum woke up with the same state he was in the morning before. However, it was a different dream he had, a dream he hadn’t had since a year ago.

It was Choi Youngjae, coldly staring at him with accusing stare. There was no trace of his dazzling smile anywhere in his face, the smile Jaebum had loved so much. It didn’t change no matter how much Jaebum pleaded for forgiveness in tears. Then Youngjae turned and walked away, leaving him.

Youngjae had been his sunshine, and Jaebum was left alone in the darkness when he was gone. It happened during his second year of high school. They had a big fight, Youngjae was storming out in anger, and the morning after he was told of the news. That his sun was no more.

He spent the years after in regrets. That it was his fault Youngjae died. If he had made Youngjae happy, they wouldn’t have fought. If Youngjae hadn’t left in anger, he wouldn’t have crossed the road recklessly. That Youngjae died unhappy because of him. They were the regrets that would forever be nagging in the back of his mind.

It was those that made him couldn’t love anyone the way he loved Youngjae. He couldn’t forgive himself, and he couldn’t even ask for forgiveness from Youngjae. He would never ever be forgiven, and he had no right to love anyone else anymore. He didn’t deserve that happiness.

He looked to his left, at the opened letter on his nightstand. Today he was about to make someone who hurt again. And when his dream of him dying became true, he might live in regrets again. For only giving Jinyoung the memories of being hurt when he knew he might not life long enough to find happiness after getting his heart broken. And he had to go through the pain just because he loved someone incapable to feel love again. Just because he loved him.

Then a thought crossed his mind. What if he stayed by Jinyoung’s side? What if he tried his best to bring him happiness, something he hadn’t been able to give Youngjae? What if he could finally let someone left with happiness, unlike how Youngjae left with the wound he had inflicted in his heart? Maybe then he could atone for his mistakes. Maybe then he wouldn't regret it so much. Maybe then he might feel like Youngjae could forgive him, even just a little. Maybe then he could feel like forgiving himself.

He knew he was using Jinyoung for his own selfishness. His own relief. But Jaebum was tired of living in regrets. He was tired of feeling his worn out heart always dragging on his feet. If there were any way to stop or at least ease it, he would do anything. And this might just the way he needed. The only thing he should do was hiding the fact that he would never be able to love Jinyoung, not even anyone else. He just had to act like he could. And he was great at those, both hiding and acting, after all these years pretending he was fine, so that his family and friends wouldn’t be worried, and succeeded.

So he showed up at the coffee shop that afternoon. He sat across the surprised Jinyoung and said, "Hey." The other boy didn't reply, he just stared at him without saying anything. After what seemed like a long stillness, Jinyoung gave him a faint smile, shy and hesitant.

"I didn't expect you to come."

"Well, I'm here now."

"Yeah. Thank you. I'm so glad you come."

Silence veiled around them again, filled with nervousness. Jaebum was busy with his mind, and Jinyoung was playing with the ear of his cup. Jaebum suddenly sighed heavily, startling Jinyoung.

“So… Do you want to go out with me?” Jaebum finally asked, straight to the point. He could see how the other got dumbfounded by his question by the way his eyes widen, his mouth gaped. It would be funny if not for the nervousness that tightened in the air around him.

“W-what?”

“Do you want to go out with me?” Jaebum repeated his question. Jinyoung shook his head. “No, I hear your question clearly. It’s just… It’s just…”

“What, you don’t want to? Don’t you like me? Or is that letter a prank?”

Jinyoung frantically waved his hands in panic. “No! Of course not! I really, really like you. It’s just… It’s too sudden. I didn’t even expect you to come here. And when you came, I thought you would just reject me and go. But now you’re asking me to be your boyfriend. There are too many unexpected things and I’m so overwhelmed right now. Are you sure you’re not the one playing a prank to me?”

“No, I’m serious.” Jaebum said with unwavering certainty.

Tears started to fall on Jinyoung’s cheek, alarming Jaebum. “Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong?”

Jinyoung sniffled, but he was smiling brightly. “No, I’m just too happy. Oh God, I feel like my heart about to burst.”

Jaebum returned the smile, and he moved his hand across the table to hold Jinyoung’s, giving him reassuring .

“So what’s your answer?”

“Do you still need to ask? Of course it’s yes!” Jinyoung said, making a shocked face. Jaebum laughed.

“Now let me introduce myself.” Jaebum said, pulling his hand. “You might’ve known me already since you confessed to me, but let me do this properly. My name is Im Jaebum. I studied film. I’m from Ilsan, and I’m the first born of two. Please take care of me.”

Jinyoung wiped his tears from his cheek and smiled again, brighter than before. Only now Jaebum noticed the crinkles formed on the corner of his eyes whenever he smiled. “Again, my name is Park Jinyoung, from literature department. I was born in Busan, and I’m the last child of three. Please take care of me.”

They looked at each other with a smile on their face, and Jaebum had already felt fond of this boy. It surprised him how fast Jinyoung made him that way. It’s okay, he thought, it’s a consequence I have to take on. At least even if it’s painful when he was gone, I won’t feel regret anymore. It’s okay.

I can do this.